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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being judgemental about friend?

40 replies

User1125 · 02/05/2022 11:49

Been really close friends with someone since age of 2. We are now both 32.

But her actions over the last 3 years have made me question her as a person and I can't help but judge.

She developed a crush on her married co-worker about 5 years ago. Then about 3 years ago, the married man went through a rocky patch with the wife and they ended up splitting up but never divorced. They have a young daughter together.

During this time, my friend and this married man admitted they had feelings for each other and slept together.

Fast forward a few months, married man gets back together with wife. Wife is none the wiser that any of this went on. She even invites my friend to the man's birthday surprises as she knows they are friends from work.

My friend is just friends with the man now and refers to him as her best friend and that she's glad she's got him as a best friend. But they message regularly, I've seen texts when she's sat next to me of him asking her if she made it home yet from her night out. They go running together several times a week. Definitely nothing physical or sexual going on.

I guess my question is, is this essentially an emotional affair?

Will she always cling onto him and "settle" for being the friend just to keep him in her life?

As a woman, I just don't think I'd feel comfortable if my husband had that kind of relationship with a co-worker where feelings were once involved.

Am I being unreasonable?

I care so much about her but I can't get over the fact that she's clinging, he's married, and the wife is clueless.

OP posts:
Momicrone · 02/05/2022 11:51

That's really shit behaviour

worraliberty · 02/05/2022 11:52

I didn't pick up on any judgement of the married man who shagged her?

tomatoandherbs · 02/05/2022 11:54

They slept together when marriage split up
Mand now you’re absolutely sure nothing is going on

i really can’t see any issue whatsoever

MajorCarolDanvers · 02/05/2022 11:55

worraliberty · 02/05/2022 11:52

I didn't pick up on any judgement of the married man who shagged her?

This.

He's the one breaking vows and being unfaithful

tomatoandherbs · 02/05/2022 11:58

No one has done anything wrong

the man slept with someone when he was single
now he is back together and he and the op don’t have anything physical going on
they run together
and message
but nothing inappropriate that you mention

UnsuitableHat · 02/05/2022 11:58

I’d probably feel a bit judgemental about that tbh, and icky about her now referring to the man as her ‘best friend.’ Would probably try to see it as her situation/business and keep out of it, but I wouldn’t want to hear much about it/him and don’t think I’d have much patience if she ever showed off about it or criticised his wife.

UnsuitableHat · 02/05/2022 12:01

Actually I misread a bit and didn’t notice that he was single when they slept together. Still
think her being his ‘best friend’ sounds a bit much, but perhaps wouldn’t judge as such.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 02/05/2022 12:03

Well, technically nobody has done anything wrong.

They split up
Friend and husband then slept together
Then husband got back together with ex
Husband and friend still speak and hang out socially

So, nobody cheated or had an affair, and people are allowed friendships with the opposite sex. It feels a bit icky to me that even though he's back with his wife, he's still best friends with the woman he slept with while separated, but I suppose that's his business, nobody else's.

Testina · 02/05/2022 12:04

So she really liked him, but kept it to herself as she worked with him, and he was married.

Only after he split did they get together.

Then he got back together with his wife so nothing more is happening between them.

Sounds like your friend’s moral compass is pretty steadfast to me 🤷🏻‍♀️

TulaOfDarkWater · 02/05/2022 12:05

I would not be friends with someone like this and yes, I would absolutely judge her. Sure everyone can make a “mistake” but this has been ongoing, calculated behaviour for the last 3 years which to me shows her moral code / who she actually is; personally I would not want someone like that in my life.

worraliberty · 02/05/2022 12:06

I'm judging the 'single' man who dived straight into bed with his colleague as soon as he separated from his wife, then went back to her a few months later.

chisanunian · 02/05/2022 12:07

worraliberty · 02/05/2022 11:52

I didn't pick up on any judgement of the married man who shagged her?

Presumably that's because the OP doesn't know him from Adam?

tomatoandherbs · 02/05/2022 12:09

TulaOfDarkWater · 02/05/2022 12:05

I would not be friends with someone like this and yes, I would absolutely judge her. Sure everyone can make a “mistake” but this has been ongoing, calculated behaviour for the last 3 years which to me shows her moral code / who she actually is; personally I would not want someone like that in my life.

Did you actually read the op?

BlimBosh · 02/05/2022 12:11

I'm with you OP. I bet the wife wouldn't be happy with the friendship if she knew.

worraliberty · 02/05/2022 12:11

chisanunian · 02/05/2022 12:07

Presumably that's because the OP doesn't know him from Adam?

Show quote history

You can't judge someone for separating from their wife, fucking a colleague, going back to their wife a few months later and completely keeping the woman in the dark about it, to the extent she invites her husband's ex sex partner to a party, because you don't know them from Adam?

Righto.

CrispSandwichesRule · 02/05/2022 12:12

They were on a break…

OnTheGoAlways · 02/05/2022 12:13

It's not your friend who you should be judging...if it wasn't her it'd likely be someone else. Your friend isn't the married person

tomatoandherbs · 02/05/2022 12:15

The husband and wife were split up
we don’t know what she did when they were split up!

TulaOfDarkWater · 02/05/2022 12:17

tomatoandherbs · 02/05/2022 12:09

Did you actually read the op?

Show quote history

Yes I did thank you and the part that stood out to me is the OP saying her friend is “clinging” and is willing to “settle” just to be in his life i.e. it’s NOT purely platonic from her end; since the OP knows her friend I will assume her conclusion about her friend’s motives are accurate. Personally, I wouldn’t be friends with someone who is clinging onto a married man but that’s my choice, each to their own.

Momicrone · 02/05/2022 12:20

To the posters asking why op is not judging husbands behaviour, that's because she's not friends with the husband. They are both behaving shady

worraliberty · 02/05/2022 12:22

Momicrone · 02/05/2022 12:20

To the posters asking why op is not judging husbands behaviour, that's because she's not friends with the husband. They are both behaving shady

Rubbish.

Mumsnet would grind to a halt if people only judged the behaviour of those they're friends with.

BadNomad · 02/05/2022 12:33

I wonder how the wife would feel if she knew her DH is now best buds with the woman he slept with. He's a real shit to allow his wife to obliviously keep inviting this woman to their special occasions.

Whatsmyname100 · 02/05/2022 12:35

chisanunian · 02/05/2022 12:07

Presumably that's because the OP doesn't know him from Adam?

Show quote history

Exactly. I don't know what posters hope to gain by pointing out silly things like this. What does the op have to do with the MM, she doesn't know him.

Momicrone · 02/05/2022 12:36

Worraliberty, you miss my point, we can all judge whomever we like but the op was asking about her friend, the husband is not her concern

drpet49 · 02/05/2022 12:37

I would not be friends with someone like this and yes, I would absolutely judge her. Sure everyone can make a “mistake” but this has been ongoing, calculated behaviour for the last 3 years which to me shows her moral code / who she actually is; personally I would not want someone like that in my life.

^I agree with this.