Am I being judgemental about friend?

[User1125]

Been really close friends with someone since age of 2. We are now both 32.

But her actions over the last 3 years have made me question her as a person and I can't help but judge.

She developed a crush on her married co-worker about 5 years ago. Then about 3 years ago, the married man went through a rocky patch with the wife and they ended up splitting up but never divorced. They have a young daughter together.

During this time, my friend and this married man admitted they had feelings for each other and slept together.

Fast forward a few months, married man gets back together with wife. Wife is none the wiser that any of this went on. She even invites my friend to the man's birthday surprises as she knows they are friends from work.

My friend is just friends with the man now and refers to him as her best friend and that she's glad she's got him as a best friend. But they message regularly, I've seen texts when she's sat next to me of him asking her if she made it home yet from her night out. They go running together several times a week. Definitely nothing physical or sexual going on.

I guess my question is, is this essentially an emotional affair?

Will she always cling onto him and "settle" for being the friend just to keep him in her life?

As a woman, I just don't think I'd feel comfortable if my husband had that kind of relationship with a co-worker where feelings were once involved.

Am I being unreasonable?

I care so much about her but I can't get over the fact that she's clinging, he's married, and the wife is clueless.

I wish, in circumstances like this, we could ask the wife. If she had all of the information, ie realised they had slept together (separated or not) would she be comfortable with this. I suspect not. So if that's the case, it's shitty of the friend to carry on with this. It should go without saying, this man should respect his wife by making sure she's not the only one in the dark about this. He won't though, will he. He's keeping his options open.

Exactly. He's fucked another woman and now he's back with his wife (if they ever separated in the first place), and she's clueless.

I only hope he wore a condom.

What turnover said. He’s keeping his options open and your friend is infatuated enough to keep hanging on.

The point of being a friend is that you stick by one another, even when you do something that the rest of the world would judge. Friends are not there as a means of social control, are they? 'Behave impeccably or I don't want you in my life' is no basis for a friendly relationship, IMO.

I would be telling my friend that she is asking to get hurt by pinning her hopes on this man (if that's what she's doing), but I would be there to pick up the pieces if she persisted. And whereas I might judge her as being a bit naive, I'd hope she knew that she could confide in me as much as she needed, without being written off as unworthy of friendship.

Yes, you obviously are being judgemental about your friend, which is pretty poor behaviour on your part.

It's like Ross from friends, we were on a break.

Yes they are close based on your post op, but overall I'd say they appear to be good friend's

He's the one cheating but she's far from innocent. I'd probably have a discussion about it and if she saw nothing wrong with it and intended to continue I'd have to back off.. Liars, cheats and dishonest people don't have a place in my life no matter how long we have been friends or if we are related etc.

For those wondering, of course I think the married man is worse. However, I am not friends with him and don't have to spend time with him so I'm not fussed about him really.

It's my friend I am concerned about. On one hand, I want to shake her and tell her to let him go. But she won't. They work together, run together, always talk to each other, she always brings him up in conversation. Says he is the only guy she has ever truly had a connection with but is happy that they are best friends.

I have a lot of male friends myself so part of me wonders if I am just being a hypocrite about them being close friends.

Equally at the back of my mind, I don't think she will ever find anyone as no one will ever compare to him. And he is happy to keep her there in the friend zone.

She's kidding herself. If he offered her his dick again, she'd jump back on top without a second thought. She likes him more than she says, all this 'he's just a friend' is her just trying to pretend that's true.

Both deserve each other really. If it's totally no problem, why haven't they told his wife? Why is she still in the dark? Because they know its wrong, they know they want more, but he is happy to have his wife back to do all domestic stuff and keep his idiot side bit too.

It sounds to me like you are very concerned about your friend. I would be too. Perhaps you can focus on those feelings of care and compassion, rather than the judgement.

The situation is not ideal but who among us has not made mistakes/done ill-advised things in relationships. If that disqualifies somebody from friendship with you, then you are going to end up with a very small and select circle of friends.

I would be thinking that he is keeping her sweet, incase he is single again, needs a quick shag, doesnt want his wife to know because they didnt really split up, all sort of things about him.

My friend, I would just be there incase I was right and I needed to be there for her

There's no point in worrying about it. It's her life she's wasting. In the future, if the wife ever finds out, I very much doubt this guy will choose your friend's "friendship" over his family.

Quite... this is the case on MN and IRL unfortunately. Has your friend got a partner OP?

I'd judge, yes. She slept with a married man. (Separated isn't divorced, as proven by this example. He went back to his wife.) I'd also judge him very harshly. He's using your friend, keeping her in the wings to boost his ego and for the next time his marriage hits a rough patch.

Your friend knows that the man's wife is ignorant of what happened and your friend is taking advantage of that fact to stay close to him, which is sleazy behaviour, imo.

She's also hurting herself by clinging to a user instead of finding a man who is free to have a real relationship.

You can still be friends with someone while judging them.

I might worry about her if she were my friend but I wouldn’t judge her too harshly because she’s not doing anything wrong per se. It sounds like she is infatuated with this man and seeing as he’s the one that’s married it’s him that’s in the wrong.