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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be upset by friendship secrets?

42 replies

Cloudsandrainbows · 02/05/2022 08:50

Hands up I don't have many friends, but one friend I met shortly after birth of my first child has been who I'd consider one of my best friends for several years. I have supported her through difficult times and she has me. The pandemic has certainly made the friendship harder, but rules have been lifted for some time, yet still I am not allowed in her house and she will not come to mine, yet she works in a nursery. The nursery being the first secret. She left her job during the pandemic, as chose to keep her child off school when it was still open, and even though a key worker she still would not send her child in so ended up quitting.....she was very down and depressed, sought counselling but refused any medication as her partner didn't want her to take it....I encouraged her to get out and even sent her a few little jobs I'd seen advertised when she said she was looking, which she turned down. However the reason she turned them down was she had already got another job and kept it from me until she'd been there several weeks! I was confused why she didn't say, but brushed it aside and was happy for her. Anyway a few months pass and excuses keep coming, covid, she's ill, child has a sniffle, in laws coming over, DP off work and meet ups get rained checked, then she calls one morning to catch up after school run and clear as day as soon as I see her she is obviously pregnant! She says nothing, I say nothing, drop my youngest to nursery and she finally confesses, as if I couldn't tell. I am really really happy for her, she has had several miscarriages, but with only 7 weeks to go I'm really hurt she hadn't told me. I suspected it last time I saw her in January, but assumed not when nothing was said. She then says she hasn't told anyone at work but told her other child and swore them to secrecy and thinks she might allow it to be common knowledge now....I am so confused, how does she think nobody knows! I ask and she says she doesn't know the sex, even asked me to keep my son's old clothes incase it's a boy, but when at the park with the kids a couple of days later I see her partner and DD who is friends with my DD, but at different school, and I asked if she'd like to tell my DD her special news as I hadn't told her, and she says I'm having a baby sister, which is not at all corrected by her dad, so obviously they do know the sex 🤷 I am happy for her, I know how much she wanted this, and understand keeping it quiet initially, it's the lies that have been told along the way to deny the truth that have hurt me so much. My DH tells me to cut her off but I just want to understand, and am upset to lose what was once a really good friend. WWYD?

OP posts:
Ducksinthebath · 02/05/2022 08:55

It’s entirely up to your friend how much she shares with you. She owes you nothing.

40Jem · 02/05/2022 09:00

It does sound like odd behaviour. My feeling is that this is about her and not you. It seems she is keeping stuff to herself and not sharing information with other people, not just you. There could be any number of reasons for that.

Whatsmyname100 · 02/05/2022 09:05

I couldn't be friends with someone like this. She doesn't trust you for whatever reason and then blatantly lies to you. There's no friendship without trust. I'm with your dh.

tomatoandherbs · 02/05/2022 09:06

Op I’m afraid she doesn’t sound as though she enjoys your company and doesn’t want to be your friend anymore

Cloudsandrainbows · 02/05/2022 09:06

I understand it is up to her who she tells what, I am not saying she has to tell me, it's the fact she had made things up and told lies that I am hurt by. She even suggested going out for cocktails as she fancied a drink a Christmas, it didn't happen, and she would 100% never drink when pregnant, but why say that? She told me she had a few drinks and was tipsy once over Xmas too. And last time we met she out right asked me if I was going to have anymore children, which I was a bit taken back by. It is up to her what she says to who, but if your not willing to divulge yourself, surely you wouldn't be bold enough to ask someone else for the same information? 🤷

OP posts:
Olsi109 · 02/05/2022 09:06

It could just be that with the miscarriages, the anxiety she feels around covid etc she did not want to tell people. I was pregnant during covid and I only told people as I saw them. I wouldn't take it personally. This might also be why she hasn't met up much if she wants low contact because of the pregnancy. Yes she may work in a nursery (again she may not have said anything as wanted to make sure she was happy in the job first), but having to go and do your job to keep a roof over your head is different to choosing to go out and socialise.

tomatoandherbs · 02/05/2022 09:07

Perhaps she doesn’t trust you with the truth?

WabbitsAndWeasels · 02/05/2022 09:09

It sounds as though she has a lot going on in the relationship that's not always positive (you've hinted he's controlling) so she could be doing a lot of this to protect herself especially if she's recently struggled with her mental health. As for the daughter saying sister, it could be they're a little fed up for trying to correct her so just let this occasionally slip or they do know and don't actually want to share yet.

I think if the relationship is so bad you suggested leaving but instead she's become pregnant and refusing medication on her partner's say so (did she initially want to take it?) then I'd cut her some slack. I'd be there in case she needed to talk but wouldn't make as much effort to see her myself if she's prone to cancelling. She's contacted you herself this time so I'd take her lead.

MarilynValentine · 02/05/2022 09:11

Her behaviour is pretty opaque. Strange. And I don’t blame you for feeling dropped. I would stop contacting her and give yourself time to come to terms with her not being in your life - certainly not in the same way.

Crumpetcrazys · 02/05/2022 09:12

It’s about her, nothing you’ve done. If you’re happy to continue with the friendship be positive, supportive and keep in touch with her. It sounds like strange behaviour but I’ve seen people act this way before, they considered things secret that most people wouldn’t, like getting a new job. It is a personality trait of theirs.

girlmom21 · 02/05/2022 09:13

Yeah I think it sounds like she has an unusual home life and your friendship isn't working anymore. It's not you.

worriedaboutmoney2022 · 02/05/2022 09:13

Whatsmyname100 · 02/05/2022 09:05

I couldn't be friends with someone like this. She doesn't trust you for whatever reason and then blatantly lies to you. There's no friendship without trust. I'm with your dh.

I was going to write exactly the same she sounds like you don't need her in your life

CharSiu · 02/05/2022 09:16

DH and I knew we were having a boy and we didn’t tell another soul, I think that is irrelevant to a friendship.

PearPickingPorky · 02/05/2022 09:17

At first, I was reading along thinking the woman is clearly anxious and nervous, and doesn't want to share news until it's more concrete.

But I think she's tipped over into the point where, regardless of the reason behind it, she's not being honest with you, which does ruin friendships.

Rikitikitardis · 02/05/2022 09:17

A couple of times I have started off keeping things a secret, because I’ve been anxious and haven’t wanted people to be getting all excited on my behalf and asking for updates etc all the time. I’ve found it less overwhelming if I can compartmentalise and not be talking about it all the time.

Sometimes it’s easy to miss the ‘time to tell’ moment and it slips from just not mentioning, to actively concealing the truth. Then it’s difficult to backtrack.

LagunaBubbles · 02/05/2022 09:18

Ducksinthebath
It’s entirely up to your friend how much she shares with you. She owes you nothing

Oh come on, its odd behaviour from a from a friend!
Shes not really a friend OP. Regardless of why.

Cloudsandrainbows · 02/05/2022 09:18

They don't need the money, she doesn't need to work, she wanted to for her own sanity. So she could have done any job she liked. She is happy to go to a cafe together but won't come to my house or allow me to hers which I am confused by?! I don't want to hurt her by cutting the relationship dead, but if maybe she has no interest in the friendship and is trying to cut it off herself then it wouldn't matter, but I just don't know what her thoughts her. We've had many a long phone conversation but now it seems much of what she has said during these conversations are lies, and I don't see what the benefit of lying is. It is easier to say nothing than create a lie to hide the truth about things. One weekend she messaged lots saying she was stressed out with work and covid and couldn't meet, then confessed the following week that actually they were just car shopping as their car broke down and needed a new one, she was really snug about it and couldn't wait to show off the car, even though she doesn't drive and neither her nor I are at all interested in cars. I said it was a nice colour, but didn't know what else to say! Now turns out car didn't breakdown they up sized for the baby....again why lie, you just fancied an upgrade doesn't have to be a reason?!

OP posts:
WabbitsAndWeasels · 02/05/2022 09:19

Having just reread it I think you suggested leaving the job not the partner.

I assume some of the lying was her clumsily trying to cover the fact that she was pregnant but you could still have gone out for cocktails and she got the non-alcoholic versions. I wouldn't be hurt by the lies you've retold here as some of them were just withholding information until a later date. How long have you actually known her? Pandemic really kicked off March 2020 so for 2 years the relationship has presumably been not regularly face to face but through messages if she's reluctant to meet up.

MRex · 02/05/2022 09:21

You know she's had a rough time with miscarriages and anxiety, so she doesn't like to share news until it is more certain. Your behaviour sounds pushy; it's unusual to have such strong opinions about all aspects of her life: work, medications, pregnancy etc. It sounds like you are quite demanding where you expect to be told all her private business on your schedule, and talking about "cut her off" as though she's kicked a puppy. My advice would be to recognise that all she did was keep her private matters private, so you should accept her as she is, if she is actually your friend. If not then at the very least you should recognise she has done nothing wrong, it is just a mismatch in expectations of friendship, so the onus is on you to make an effort to remain polite.

Cloudsandrainbows · 02/05/2022 09:35

I have to say o have been more distant since last summer, and haven't made as much contact as I used to as her new job and covid anxiety has made it hard, but she has continued to ring/message me, and we still exchanged Easter gifts for kids etc and I honestly thought it would just come to its own natural end. But now she's told me about the baby I'm confused if it's just her trying to do the decent thing and tell me before I find out for myself, or if she actually wants me as a friend still. She happily accepted some baby items I gifted her, but I now don't know where I stand. Like I said I don't want to hurt her, and I don't think her relationship is controlling, I think sometimes she uses her partner as an excuse for her own choices, saying he doesn't allow etc, but she definitely holds the strings in the relationship. I saw her partner several weeks ago and he was like a rabbit in the headlights, he must have taken the day off for an antenatal appointment or something and he was so nervous talking to me, I thought it was odd, but now realise it was likely because he had been sworn to keep the pregnancy quiet. I'm always going to bump into them, I don't want things to be awkward, but I can't continue a relationship like this. Do I just do nothing and see what happens or make a point of cutting her off?

OP posts:
Cloudsandrainbows · 02/05/2022 09:39

I am not at all pushy with her! I don't expect her to tell me anything, but she always has in the past, this is my point, she is now keeping secrets and making up lies. I have been there for every miscarriage, like I said she doesn't drive, I've taken her to hospital and other appointments etc and she has always been honest. It has always been her telling me, not me asking. Something has changed and I don't know what. It is just the pandemic or something else?

OP posts:
Cantthinkofanewusername · 02/05/2022 09:43

The friendship isnt working for you so let it drift and step back a bit. Once the baby comes she'll be busy and it'll probably drift anyway

NoWigNoWit · 02/05/2022 09:48

It sounds like a form of gaslighting.

I had a friend who did this. We were best mates or so I thought! Her DS had an op and then developed an infection, he was pretty portly for a while. She told everyone but me…all our mutual friends, people in the playground…my own mother…

I questioned her why on earth she didn’t tell me, I wanted to be able to support her and help. She said she just forgot 🤣

This was three years ago now, her DS is fine thank goodness but we are no longer friends. Not just because of this, but it played a big part:

CheeseBoard2022 · 02/05/2022 09:49

I'd say she doesn't trust you.

I had a friend who I couldn't tell anything to as she'd go round blabbing to literally anyone - even people I didn't know! I was very bland in what I told her much like this case.

That or she's got her guard up due to miscarriages and doesn't want to accept it's happening until baby is born and well.

MargaretThursday · 02/05/2022 09:55

I can understand her not wanting to tell until the last minute if she'd had lots of miscarriages. I know someone who tried to hide it for a long as possible because of that. She got to about 32 weeks before she started telling, and actually she showed about 5-6 weeks before that but we didn't say anything, just kept our fingers crossed.

On the knowing the sex, we knew on ds but chose not to tell anyone. He was waving all his bits about on the scan so could hardly fairly to know. Grin. If either of our older ones had picked up on it though, then we'd have then told people as they wouldn't have kept it quiet.
So I could imagine that happening where they know but weren't planning on telling anyone. Then it slips out in front of the dc and they then think "oops we better tell people because she will".
Or alternatively they went for a later scan and it was seen then.