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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be upset by friendship secrets?

42 replies

Cloudsandrainbows · 02/05/2022 08:50

Hands up I don't have many friends, but one friend I met shortly after birth of my first child has been who I'd consider one of my best friends for several years. I have supported her through difficult times and she has me. The pandemic has certainly made the friendship harder, but rules have been lifted for some time, yet still I am not allowed in her house and she will not come to mine, yet she works in a nursery. The nursery being the first secret. She left her job during the pandemic, as chose to keep her child off school when it was still open, and even though a key worker she still would not send her child in so ended up quitting.....she was very down and depressed, sought counselling but refused any medication as her partner didn't want her to take it....I encouraged her to get out and even sent her a few little jobs I'd seen advertised when she said she was looking, which she turned down. However the reason she turned them down was she had already got another job and kept it from me until she'd been there several weeks! I was confused why she didn't say, but brushed it aside and was happy for her. Anyway a few months pass and excuses keep coming, covid, she's ill, child has a sniffle, in laws coming over, DP off work and meet ups get rained checked, then she calls one morning to catch up after school run and clear as day as soon as I see her she is obviously pregnant! She says nothing, I say nothing, drop my youngest to nursery and she finally confesses, as if I couldn't tell. I am really really happy for her, she has had several miscarriages, but with only 7 weeks to go I'm really hurt she hadn't told me. I suspected it last time I saw her in January, but assumed not when nothing was said. She then says she hasn't told anyone at work but told her other child and swore them to secrecy and thinks she might allow it to be common knowledge now....I am so confused, how does she think nobody knows! I ask and she says she doesn't know the sex, even asked me to keep my son's old clothes incase it's a boy, but when at the park with the kids a couple of days later I see her partner and DD who is friends with my DD, but at different school, and I asked if she'd like to tell my DD her special news as I hadn't told her, and she says I'm having a baby sister, which is not at all corrected by her dad, so obviously they do know the sex 🤷 I am happy for her, I know how much she wanted this, and understand keeping it quiet initially, it's the lies that have been told along the way to deny the truth that have hurt me so much. My DH tells me to cut her off but I just want to understand, and am upset to lose what was once a really good friend. WWYD?

OP posts:
Cloudsandrainbows · 02/05/2022 10:07

I hope it's not that she doesn't trust me. I have never told anyone of her miscarriages, nor would I. There isn't really anyone I would tell anyway, the few other friends I have are from work or my DS school and she doesn't know them, so assume the latter, but can't help but feel hurt. I'm not going to be nasty, I do care about her, but I will not be making contact, the ball is in her court, and if she doesn't make any further contact then perhaps she has been trying to end the friendship, for whatever reason.

OP posts:
PinkSyCo · 02/05/2022 10:08

She sounds very odd, but worse than that she is a liar. I don’t like liars so I could not be friends with her, so would tell her not to bother calling me again and tell her exactly the reason why if she asks. You deserve better than this OP.

Greyarea12 · 02/05/2022 10:18

Cloudsandrainbows · 02/05/2022 08:50

Hands up I don't have many friends, but one friend I met shortly after birth of my first child has been who I'd consider one of my best friends for several years. I have supported her through difficult times and she has me. The pandemic has certainly made the friendship harder, but rules have been lifted for some time, yet still I am not allowed in her house and she will not come to mine, yet she works in a nursery. The nursery being the first secret. She left her job during the pandemic, as chose to keep her child off school when it was still open, and even though a key worker she still would not send her child in so ended up quitting.....she was very down and depressed, sought counselling but refused any medication as her partner didn't want her to take it....I encouraged her to get out and even sent her a few little jobs I'd seen advertised when she said she was looking, which she turned down. However the reason she turned them down was she had already got another job and kept it from me until she'd been there several weeks! I was confused why she didn't say, but brushed it aside and was happy for her. Anyway a few months pass and excuses keep coming, covid, she's ill, child has a sniffle, in laws coming over, DP off work and meet ups get rained checked, then she calls one morning to catch up after school run and clear as day as soon as I see her she is obviously pregnant! She says nothing, I say nothing, drop my youngest to nursery and she finally confesses, as if I couldn't tell. I am really really happy for her, she has had several miscarriages, but with only 7 weeks to go I'm really hurt she hadn't told me. I suspected it last time I saw her in January, but assumed not when nothing was said. She then says she hasn't told anyone at work but told her other child and swore them to secrecy and thinks she might allow it to be common knowledge now....I am so confused, how does she think nobody knows! I ask and she says she doesn't know the sex, even asked me to keep my son's old clothes incase it's a boy, but when at the park with the kids a couple of days later I see her partner and DD who is friends with my DD, but at different school, and I asked if she'd like to tell my DD her special news as I hadn't told her, and she says I'm having a baby sister, which is not at all corrected by her dad, so obviously they do know the sex 🤷 I am happy for her, I know how much she wanted this, and understand keeping it quiet initially, it's the lies that have been told along the way to deny the truth that have hurt me so much. My DH tells me to cut her off but I just want to understand, and am upset to lose what was once a really good friend. WWYD?

I think there maybe could be stuff going on in the background that you are unaware of. Or it could be that her mental health is so affected by her miscarriages that her pregnancy now is making her mental health worse. To be honest I think it sounds abit like there's stuff going on in the background. I was in an abusive relationship a few years back (I'm not saying that she is) but if this helps I kept it secret (the abuse) from everyone especially when I was pregnant because I was so ashamed that I was pregnant to my abuser and I was so ashamed at the way he was treating me. I didn't speak about my pregnancy much because of the overwhelming feelings of shame/guilt that I had. Even my closest friends of 15 years didn't know what was going on and I withdrew from them. (Maybe they had suspicions). If one of them had of came and said to me along the lines of ...is everything OK? It might of been enough for me to start to open up but none of them ever did. (They are no longer my friends).

Freddiefox · 02/05/2022 10:18

I don’t think she see the friendship as the same as you, you sound a little intense, and I wonder if you come across as over involved or clingy.

I feel she’s trying to keep you at arms lengths a bit.

Mariposista · 02/05/2022 10:19

A friendship is meant touring you positivity, not baggage. Drop her. Too many issues.

Anonymoussssss · 02/05/2022 10:34

On the one hand, I can see why you're upset but you sound like her social worker!

Just give her space! It looks like the main lies she has told you have centred around the fact that she didn't want you to know that she was pg (upgrading the car, etc). It's not ideal, no. But, please just back off a bit. It sounds like she has a lot going on that she doesn't want you privvy to.

And if that doesn't suit you, then cut her off. You are not obliged to settle for a substandard friendship.

Sorry if that comes across harsh.

TheDaydreamBelievers · 02/05/2022 10:40

With the pregnancy I'd say previous losses made her v anxious about revealling it. With not being allowed at her house, id be worried about the partner being controlling

PinkiOcelot · 02/05/2022 10:43

I agree with your husband. Let this “friendship” go. What’s the point if you’re sat there wondering if you’re being fed a pack of lies?!
I would just go no contact and if you see her about just give a cheery wave and say you must dash, you’re in a hurry or something. I couldn’t be arsed with all her crap tbh.

WibblyWobblyJane · 02/05/2022 11:03

When I was younger I passively distanced myself from a few friends who did not share big news with me. It made me recognize that they did not think of our friendship in the same way that I did. Today I would not be as bothered by someone not ready to share a pregnancy or a job change.

However, this woman has lied to you about minor things. That’s very different. There was no reason to tell you the car broke down.

I had a friend that would lie about things like this. I believe she does it for power/control. You cannot have a good friendship with a person like this.

This isn’t your fault nor is it about you. She’s messed up.

Lalliella · 02/05/2022 11:08

I think she is suffering badly with her mental health and you should try to make allowances. We had a colleague who was pregnant after previous loss and she never spoke of it and no-one was allowed to mention it. She disappeared on maternity leave one day and that was that. When I was pregnant after many years of problems I was completely convinced it was fate that I would never have babies and that my baby was going to die. These things can shred your MH. Couple that with covid anxiety which is really bad for some people. Plus the stress of not having a job for a while. And it also sounds like she’s got a very controlling partner - not allowing her to take meds for her MH, wtf??

Stick with your friend and see what she’s like after the baby has arrived. She might need all the friends she’s got.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 02/05/2022 11:31

I struggle telling people personal news. I don't know why, maybe its because I hate a fuss, I just found it really difficult to get the words out when I got engaged or when I was pregnant, it felt like those things were quite special and personal and i hated answering all the follow up questions. So it wasnt about how I felt about the friends at all, it was entirely my weird personality! When I was pregnant and not ready to tell people then I could imagine saying something about being hungover to explain why I was a bit peaky and not drinking. I can imagine this as a self preservation thing rather than a blatant lie as if you tell people things they become more real. I had a friend who had a stillbirth who didn't want to share any details of the next pregnancy as it was just too hard for her to talk about, when I asked what she was up to one day she told me watching tv or something rather than that she was in the hospital for her section, I dont think of this as lying, it was that she was so scared of something going wrong that she couldn't talk about it.

So maybe its something like that. Although if she is telling everyone else about these things and just not you then I would be questioning why (and doing some self reflection on if it was anything in my reaction that was connected, even if you're being nice, it might be overwhelming for her)

Riverlee · 02/05/2022 11:35

In the past, have you been too demanding of her attention/friendship, so now she holds back? ie. She doesn’t want to share every detail of her life with you, so tells lies to cover up the truth.

ZealAndArdour · 02/05/2022 11:40

It really doesn’t seem like it’s about you, so I would try to remove yourself from the centre of it all in your head. It seems like she’s being generally very private and we’ll never know her reasons for it. Sometimes people just go through some stuff and feel like the world is out to get them, or that things are safe and protected while they’re known to so few. Perhaps she is struggling with anxiety or whatever, but I’d try to approach it with concern for your friend, rather than concern for yourself.

drpet49 · 02/05/2022 11:47

I couldn't be friends with someone like this. She doesn't trust you for whatever reason and then blatantly lies to you. There's no friendship without trust. I'm with your dh.

^I agree. Life is too short to be friends with a dickhead like her.

AlternativePerspective · 02/05/2022 11:50

I suspect this isn’t the first time she’s lied about things.

She’s probably been lying to you for the duration of your friendship, but because they might be little lies and you’ve been involved in bigger bits of her life you haven’t noticed.

Compulsive liars don’t generally just become compulsive liars, it’s likely that because COVID has distanced you somewhat from each other you’re now seeing her for the person she is.

Personally I would just cut her off.

walkersareback · 02/05/2022 12:09

Maybe you could just be friends but not at such a deep level. I don't think it has to be all or nothing.

For me the lies ( not necessarily keeping things like the pregnancy from you) would be the think that upset me the most. Like most people I hate lies. I believe what people - especially those are I consider to be my friends - say to me. If I'm wondering if they are telling me lies I would just constantly be on edge.

I would leave her to contact me and only meet up if it were convenient. If she calls/ messages a lot you don't have to answer.

For your own sanity I think you now need to put your feelings first in this relationship. Good luck

RedHelenB · 02/05/2022 15:26

I'd see what happens. Take a step back , let her initiate contact .

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