Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have not answered the door...

35 replies

dumbledory · 01/05/2022 22:04

Bit of backstory, without being too outing...

We were close friends - very close, but things fizzled out due to a number of reasons and the last I heard from them was over two years ago when I was being thanked for birthday gift I had sent them.

I heard nothing since then and had made a conscious decision not to chase anymore, as it felt clear that I was the one keeping the friendship going and the negatives (low level constant criticism on their part, not supporting me through a difficult personal issue, despite always being there for them etc.) were beginning to outweigh the positives.

As expected, the friendship ended and I was both heartbroken and relieved and in time, I realised that whilst it had it's good moments, I was happier overall to be out of the friendship. I moved on, or so I thought!

Fast forward to tonight and out of the blue they showed up at my front door and it completely threw me.

I didn't answer the door, because frankly I was on the brink of having a panic attack, which to me is a pretty good indicator that it was a door best left closed.

But now I'm second guessing myself. What if it had been an emergency? Although, my phone number hasn't changed...they could have called...

Anyways...putting it out there...

WIBU to not answer the door?

What would you have done?

OP posts:
the80sweregreat · 01/05/2022 22:07

I would have thought they could have phoned you first? It was a bit off to show up after two years like this.
Do you think they try again to get in touch?

the80sweregreat · 01/05/2022 22:08

Will try rather,

Original poster
dumbledory · 01/05/2022 22:11

@the80sweregreat
Thank you for replying.

Not really sure if they will try and get in contact again.

So as not to drip feed, I'm currently awaiting an autism assessment - one of my main triggers are unexpected house visitors, which this person is well aware of, having previously known me for several years.

A phone call...or even a message would have been much less anxiety inducing, which makes me wonder if it was an emergency?

OP posts:
WeAreTheHeroes · 01/05/2022 22:14

Surely if it were an emergency they would have called you? Was it clear you were in when they called?

Original poster
dumbledory · 01/05/2022 22:19

@WeAreTheHeroes
Thank you for your logical response...

Lights were on, but don't think it was overly obviously we were in. DD and I were both reading at the time, so were making no noise...

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 01/05/2022 22:19

Did your friend assume that you weren't at home, or did she know you just didn't answer the door?

Original poster
dumbledory · 01/05/2022 22:21

@Leeds2
Not sure to be honest. Although they would probably have expected me to be in, given the time and lights being on.

OP posts:
hihellohihello · 01/05/2022 22:26

It's your door. There are a whole host of reasons you might not be available to answer it. In the bathroom, getting dressed, asleep...

But it's not the worst thing ever not being able to face this person.

Don't lose sleep over it.

Original poster
dumbledory · 01/05/2022 22:28

@hihellohihello

Thank you. Think that was the reassurance I needed. Will try not to let it affect me all night.

OP posts:
CarrieCookie · 01/05/2022 22:29

I don’t think I would’ve answered the door either. Two years? Nah, she should’ve phoned first.

Leeds2 · 01/05/2022 22:30

I don't think YABU. I would probably have done the same!

Given you don't know for certain that she knew you were home, I would try and put it to one side and wait and see if she texts/calls and then see what she has to say.

NoSquirrels · 01/05/2022 22:32

I think you were OK not to answer. I’m sorry it made you so anxious. Flowers

hihellohihello · 01/05/2022 22:32

@dumbledory, happy to have helped.🙂

lemmein · 01/05/2022 22:33

Don't overthink it - they're being unreasonable thinking it's perfectly normal to pop round 2 years later without calling first. Weirdos!

BangaloreLulu · 01/05/2022 22:34

When someone knocks at your door or rings or texts you, it's a request to communicate with you, not a summons. You're perfectly entitled not to answer 😊

TokyoTen · 01/05/2022 22:34

Silly of them not to call - after 2 years! You could be at home but turning something out, in the bath, anything really. Don't worry about it.

Squiff70 · 01/05/2022 22:37

If it was an emergency, then with respect to you I don't think they would have chosen to come to you after 2+ years without contact. They are an adult and will surely know other sources of help are available if they need them.

Really, honestly, I wouldn't have answered the door either. If they want to talk to you then should test the water first by calling, emailing, texting or messaging through social media etc and asking if you're available to meet up at a mutually convenient time and location. Landing on somebody's doorstep like that puts you on the spot with no way of backing out if you don't want to/can't see them at that precise moment.

Don't give it another moment's thought and don't sit there worried thinking "what if...". If they value your friendship now for some unknown reason, then they shouldn't have been crap for so long without trying to make amends.

If this is really eating you up, send her a message asking if she is alright, politely requesting she doesn't come round unannounced, and if YOU want to, extend the hand of friendship once more.

AngelinaFibres · 01/05/2022 22:44

You did absolutely the right thing. People who turn up unannounced after a long period of absence want something from you.

WeAreTheHeroes · 01/05/2022 22:45

In which case they probably assumed you were out/ in the garden and I wouldn't give it a second thought.

AngelinaFibres · 01/05/2022 22:51

I am not autistic. I have no problem with not answering the door. If its a proper friend or a delivery for me I will answer. If it is a neighbour then they are knocking because they want me to do something for their benefit thst isn't something I want to do. I just don't answer. I don't take in deliveries for anyone else. We live in a small village, everyone has somewhere the parcel can be kept. I don't want to reset their oven timer now the clocks have changed, I don't want to buy another raffle ticket ever in my life. Forget about her Op. She is nobody important.

Gagaandgag · 01/05/2022 23:13

Will be interesting to see if they send you a message!

I would have done exactly the same!!

WallaceinAnderland · 01/05/2022 23:21

How did you know it was them at the door?

Original poster
dumbledory · 02/05/2022 11:59

@WallaceinAnderland It was the video intercom she rang...

Thanks all for your replies - they've really helped put things into perspective.

She's not attempted to message or call, so am still quite confused about her motive...but thanks to your messages I didn't lose any sleep over it.

OP posts:
vdbfamily · 02/05/2022 12:03

This is a bit tricky because people are all different. I am not neuro typical, likely undiagnosed ADHD, as me daughter has been diagnosed. I don't really notice how long it is between seeing friends. My friends know if they don't contact me I probably won't notice. They know not to take it personally and are good at chasing me for meet up dates as needed.
Unless I hear been told they no longer wanted to see me, I would think nothing of knocking on their door of I was nearby. But then again, I am better at spontaneous things than planned.

LoveSpringDaffs · 02/05/2022 12:16

I would have answered.

I don't even look before I answer the door.

curiosity about what she wanted would be driving me insane by now.

I don't hold a grudge & I don't do 'not knowing'

but we're all different & you do you.