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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I’m in the wrong job

55 replies

Sarah891 · 01/05/2022 10:48

So, I have been doing the same job for about 5 years. I recently mentioned promotion to my manager and he gave me a project to do, he asked me to look at the data base and ask other team members to get involved to see how we could improve it, which I think is fine, however, my DH said he would have already discovered the issues and corrected them before being approached by manager (hence why he has done so well) I’m really not very business minded and feel like going for promotion is a mistake?

OP posts:
IsDaveThere · 01/05/2022 10:58

YABU to think you are in the wrong job just because you would do something do differently to how your husband would!

Original poster
Sarah891 · 01/05/2022 11:02

im just concerned that DH is better at things like this than me hence why he has been promoted so many time. Maybe this isn’t the right path for me? I’m not proactive etc

OP posts:
Bornsloppy · 01/05/2022 11:11

If your manager has asked specifically to ask other colleagues then maybe they're looking for evidence of your leadership & people management skills. I've done this before when I had a promotion candidate in my team but they didn't have much experience leading a group.

katmarie · 01/05/2022 11:14

There's a possibility that you haven't been proactive until now, if I was looking for a potential promotee I'd be keener on the one who came to me and said 'I've found this issue, and here's what I think we should do to fix it.' If they were looking to demonstrate they are ready for promotion.

Equally though, if you don't know what you need to be doing to gain promotion then a conversation with your manager about a development plan would be a good way to go. It sounds like your manager has given you a project to allow you to demonstrate some team working skills and some problem solving too, but if I were you I would also be looking round at ways I could demonstrate my initiative and other skills independently.

Original poster
Sarah891 · 01/05/2022 11:17

My DH said that if it was him he would have already fixed the problem before it was picked up, which deflates me a little. I feel a bit daft asking people for their input like I’m brown nosing, it just feels off?

OP posts:
LuaDipa · 01/05/2022 11:21

My dh has been very successful. Before my current role I had been out of the workforce for 10 years. When I ask him his opinion on something he gives me good, constructive advice. He doesn’t simply tell me what he would have done better because 1) he isn’t me so he doesn’t expect me to think in the same way that he does, and 2) he isn’t a dick.

Does your dh always compare you unfavourably to himself?

lovelyweathertoday · 01/05/2022 11:41

You are not your DH. Your manager has given you as task to do, probably to see how you deal with it. Why not feel proud that you've been given an important task to do and work with the people suggested to work out some improvements? You will learn from this experience.

Your DH's response is a bit "well I wouldn't start from here", which is just unhelpful.

SinaraSmith · 01/05/2022 11:46

Op I am very senior in my company and was head hunted into my current role. One of the reason being that I can collaborate with people.

I often ask for others input. Because other people may have a very good perspective that others wouldn’t. But also, some right, people feel appreciate and heard when asked for their input. Especially, if you ensure their name is attached to the idea.

The MD, CIO and CEO often ask my opinions and for me to give my input because my jobs gives them a slightly different perspective.

how your husband does it, is not the only way.

PointyMcguire · 01/05/2022 11:56

I disagree you’re in the wrong role just because you’d approach things differently to your DH, but I do agree with him that it pays to be proactively looking at ways to improve processes or identify and fix issues if you’re looking to be promoted.

In terms of how to handle the task at hand, don’t think of it as brown nosing, your manager is clearly looking for you to demonstrate your leadership and project management skills here. Identify what improvements you feel need to be made and then share your findings with the wider team and ask for their thoughts on your suggestions/any additional insights they have on what can be improved.

PenelopeGarseeya · 01/05/2022 12:02

My DH will sometimes give opinions like this in a really well meaning way but he doesn’t work in the same industry as me so it doesn’t always fit. The intention is good though. For example, where I work it would not have been ok to just fix issues like that. Completely wrong but in the real world we have to navigate politics, feelings etc. the point I’m trying badly to make is, don’t take it to heart. He probably means well but as you work in a completely different office/building/company it means you aren’t doing anything wrong at all. Take on board that he advises tou to be pro active, speak to your boss about that. Good luck

Original poster
Sarah891 · 01/05/2022 12:04

I honestly don’t think I can do this 😢

OP posts:
ldontWanna · 01/05/2022 12:05

Sarah891 · 01/05/2022 11:17

My DH said that if it was him he would have already fixed the problem before it was picked up, which deflates me a little. I feel a bit daft asking people for their input like I’m brown nosing, it just feels off?

Ok he's great at his work. How is he at home? Does he share the mental load? Does he share childcare,school runs,ill days ? Does he cook,clean etc.?

It might be that he's just that much better than you (which is irrelevant really as he is not your colleague or manager,all that matters is what your work think of you) or he is that good because that's the only thing he has to do and focus on, while you pick up the slack at home?

ldontWanna · 01/05/2022 12:07

It sounds to me that he's just building himself up, while bringing you down and ruining your self esteem. Almost like he doesn't want you to get the promotion, or have the confidence to apply for it.I wonder why...

Aprilx · 01/05/2022 12:09

It’s really hard to comment on the situation without knowing the context. On the one hand gathering together a group of people and securing input is a positive thing. On the other hand, if this is essentially your database, then yes you might have been expected to be proactively looking for ways to improve.

Either way your husband sounds very critical of you for really no good reason.

UnsuitableHat · 01/05/2022 12:10

Sorry just voted yanbu and I think I meant yabu. Sounds like your DH is trying to undermine/belittle you for some reason. Hold your nerve and go for it.

Overthebow · 01/05/2022 12:11

You don't sound like you want to go for promotion and do the extra work/gain the experience needed for it. It's really ok not to want to do it, not everyone will want to or be suited to it. Are you happy in your current role?

barkingdogturfwar · 01/05/2022 12:12

Sarah891 · 01/05/2022 11:17

My DH said that if it was him he would have already fixed the problem before it was picked up, which deflates me a little. I feel a bit daft asking people for their input like I’m brown nosing, it just feels off?

Your DH has an over inflated ego if he really thinks that he would have the foresight and capability, in any given situation, in any line of work, to resolve any given issue, with full autonomy.

It sounds as if you felt ok with this situation until your DH belittled you.

Damia · 01/05/2022 12:13

You said in your op that you need to look at a database and try to improve it with colleagues, so no matter what you oh has said just have a go at it. Make a list of issues, ideas on what you can do. Then take that to your colleagues and ask for their input. It's very easy for someone to say I would have done that, but it sounds like no one else at your company has done it.

SinaraSmith · 01/05/2022 12:25

Sarah891 · 01/05/2022 12:04

I honestly don’t think I can do this 😢

Why? Because of what your husband said?

or is there something about the task that you don’t want to do?

Original poster
Sarah891 · 01/05/2022 12:29

My DH is a bit of a know it all, he backs it up really well and openly admits he is never wrong to anybody. He says he is only wrong when the processes are wrong which ultimately isn’t his fault. I can’t work out if he is an arrogant pig or he maybe does know everything!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarah891 · 01/05/2022 12:30

I just feel that ringing around people is just so out of character for me? I don’t feel comfortable with it? Asking what they would do and trying to get their opinion, I feel like it looks quite obvious to people what my aim is and I just can’t bring myself to do it. Maybe I don’t want it? I should want it though?

OP posts:
ldontWanna · 01/05/2022 12:32

Sarah891 · 01/05/2022 12:30

I just feel that ringing around people is just so out of character for me? I don’t feel comfortable with it? Asking what they would do and trying to get their opinion, I feel like it looks quite obvious to people what my aim is and I just can’t bring myself to do it. Maybe I don’t want it? I should want it though?

Do you have to ring people? Can't you email them or arrange a team meeting where you can discuss opinions and ideas?

redskyatnight · 01/05/2022 12:36

I sort of see where you DH is coming from but not sure he's entirely correct.

I'd expect someone wanting promotion to be proactively seeking opportunities to do something outside of their normal day job - so that might have been spotting that there were ways to improve the database and making a proposal to the manager about what could be done. A key part of being a more senior person is doing things on your own initiative, rather than just because someone else told you to do so.

However, senior people tend to be spread more thinly - hence they can't be experts in everything, so being able to take and evaluate the opinions of others and make decisions based on these is also important. If you feel awkward asking others about what they think this suggests that you're more used to working by yourself, so this is very much a skill that you need to develop. The best managers do not assume they are always the ones that know it all, but will seek out independent experts!

mudgetastic · 01/05/2022 12:37

Sarah891 · 01/05/2022 11:17

My DH said that if it was him he would have already fixed the problem before it was picked up, which deflates me a little. I feel a bit daft asking people for their input like I’m brown nosing, it just feels off?

Perhaps his job is different?
Perhaps he's scared you'll do well , better than him? ( I had one like that )

Original poster
Sarah891 · 01/05/2022 12:38

It’s not that I feel uncomfortable as such, it’s more me knowing what they will be thinking when I’m talking to them?

OP posts: