Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think being a SAHM/housewife is not the same as someone claiming benefits?

1002 replies

Jajana · 01/05/2022 08:00

Was chatting to my sister and was talking about how my MIL is a housewife (sorry not sure if that’s the correct term). She said that being a SAHM/housewife is no different to someone claiming benefits and would rather claim benefits than rely on someone for an income!

Bearing in mind, FIL runs a very successful business and all of the money MIL receives is from private funds - not through the state.

Am i being reasonable to think being a SAHM/housewife isn’t the same as claiming benefits?

OP posts:
YetAnotherSpartacus · 03/05/2022 14:12

But not enough for men to value it enough to want to do it themselves

Exactly.

Mumwantingtogetitright · 03/05/2022 14:13

Surely SAHMs are valued primarily by their families rather than by society as a whole? There is no obvious benefit to wider society from having people sah with their kids, but there may be significant benefits to individual families, depending on their specific circumstances. Hence it is the immediate family that is most likely to value the work that the SAHP contributes.

hihellohihello · 03/05/2022 14:14

I personally believe the competitive infighting between women regarding the different roles each might take in life does absolutely nothing to further the feminist cause. In fact it hinders it and women end up not wanting to align themselves with it at all. And who can blame them? They are alienated from feminism when other feminists don't include them by valuing them as fellow women.

Topgub · 03/05/2022 14:16

@hihellohihello

Youre not including yourself in this competitive infighting?

When does it go from sharing personal experience do competitive infighting?

hihellohihello · 03/05/2022 14:21

But wm can do what a sahm does and work

Not necessarily to the same extent. Much has to be outsourced and delegated or overlooked. Not saying WAHM's role is not equally valid or their families are neglected but their obligations are split differently. Look at how, for example, many women who have children with additional needs end up giving up work in order focus on caring for those children. Not working just means there is more time to devote to family priorities. Not acknowledging this simple fact is devaluing some of the benefits of being a SAHM.

hihellohihello · 03/05/2022 14:23

When does it go from sharing personal experience do competitive infighting?

Sharing personal experience is not competitive infighting. Being wholly critical and attempting to devalue someone else or all they say in order to inflate and affirm one's own status would be.

hihellohihello · 03/05/2022 14:24

Mumwantingtogetitright · 03/05/2022 14:13

Surely SAHMs are valued primarily by their families rather than by society as a whole? There is no obvious benefit to wider society from having people sah with their kids, but there may be significant benefits to individual families, depending on their specific circumstances. Hence it is the immediate family that is most likely to value the work that the SAHP contributes.

Benefitting the family does benefit society as it enables the family to thrive and contribute.

5128gap · 03/05/2022 14:26

Its not the same thing, no. But often its only the whim of a husband that stops one from very swiftly becoming the other unfortunately.

hihellohihello · 03/05/2022 14:27

YetAnotherSpartacus · 03/05/2022 14:12

But not enough for men to value it enough to want to do it themselves

Exactly.

But a key point of feminism is to not let men act as arbitrators over what is deemed valuable.

Topgub · 03/05/2022 14:40

@hihellohihello

I dont outsource, delegate or overlook anything. I dont see any benefit to having a sahm.

Being wholly critical and attempting to devalue someone else or all they say in order to inflate and affirm one's own status would be.

oh good thats not happened then.

Topgub · 03/05/2022 14:42

@hihellohihello

Saying men should value the role enough to do it isn't making them the arbitrator.

pinklavenders · 03/05/2022 14:49

But not enough for men to value it enough to want to do it themselves

Women may place a higher value on it than men?

Women may get more enjoyment and fulfilment out of looking after their families than a man might? Of course there are many exception and I know of several men who are sahp and value that opportunity.

pinklavenders · 03/05/2022 14:59

But wm can do what a sahm does and work.

They can certainly work and look after a family and home, but surely a sahp has much more time and flexibility to devote to the family and home.

pinklavenders · 03/05/2022 15:00

Saying men should value the role enough to do it isn't making them the arbitrator.

It doesn't matter what men think or value.

What matters is that women choose what they prefer and value most!

Mumwantingtogetitright · 03/05/2022 15:03

Sorry, I meant net benefit to society. The family would very likely thrive and contribute at least as much if there wasn't a SAHP.

pinklavenders · 03/05/2022 15:08

The family would very likely thrive and contribute at least as much if there wasn't a SAHP.

Would they? Having a supportive partner at home can be a massive help in rising up the career and pay ladder!

hihellohihello · 03/05/2022 15:10

Topgub · 03/05/2022 14:40

@hihellohihello

I dont outsource, delegate or overlook anything. I dont see any benefit to having a sahm.

Being wholly critical and attempting to devalue someone else or all they say in order to inflate and affirm one's own status would be.

oh good thats not happened then.

So you have young children and are devoted to working full time in paid employment without the need for any childcare or anyone else within the family taking on this role? I would say that is quite unusual.

Topgub · 03/05/2022 15:12

@hihellohihello

By other family member do you mean their dad?

It may be unusual but that's what we did.

Topgub · 03/05/2022 15:15

@pinklavenders

How much more time do they need, do you think?

Do you think my kids are not prioritised or are missing out in some way?

What matters is that women choose what they prefer and value most!

personally I think equality matters more. Both men and women being able to value caring roles.

hihellohihello · 03/05/2022 15:17

The family would very likely thrive and contribute at least as much if there wasn't a SAHP.

Not every family and that is the point. If families have made the decision that works best for them then that is how the family thrives. If one parent has a very time consuming difficult but well remunerated occupation then it is often a good decision for the other parent to take over looking after the children and home. Equally, some homes / families require more care and administration than others.

pinklavenders · 03/05/2022 15:21

Do you think my kids are not prioritised or are missing out in some way?

Not at all.

Why are you assuming this? I simply said that a sahp has more time and flexibility! Some sahp may find this helpful.

Why are women not supporting each other, supportive of each woman's decision?

LeeMucklowesCurtains · 03/05/2022 15:23

pinklavenders · 03/05/2022 15:21

Do you think my kids are not prioritised or are missing out in some way?

Not at all.

Why are you assuming this? I simply said that a sahp has more time and flexibility! Some sahp may find this helpful.

Why are women not supporting each other, supportive of each woman's decision?

This whole thread full of women not supporting each other’s decisions.

As is life, I’ve found. Some of the worst comments I’ve had have been from other women.

pinklavenders · 03/05/2022 15:25

personally I think equality matters more. Both men and women being able to value caring roles.

Shouldn't everyone be free to choose what they value most? Women might value caring/nurturing roles more highly than men?

5128gap · 03/05/2022 15:25

pinklavenders · 03/05/2022 15:08

The family would very likely thrive and contribute at least as much if there wasn't a SAHP.

Would they? Having a supportive partner at home can be a massive help in rising up the career and pay ladder!

To be fair, so can having a working partner, given its odds on the man's 'big job' will take priority over the woman's when it comes to balancing domestic life. With the added bonus she brings in some extra money.

pinklavenders · 03/05/2022 15:29

Yes of course. I was replying to the comment that "The family would very likely thrive and contribute at least as much if there wasn't a SAHP"

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In
This thread is not accepting new messages.