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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be really scared of getting old

77 replies

Sophia91 · 30/04/2022 12:23

I’m so scared of getting old and losing my looks. I was talking to a friend last week who said it’s all down hill after about 35. Im also bothered about health, more so than looks, but these things are really playing on my mind.

OP posts:
5128gap · 30/04/2022 21:31

I8toys · 30/04/2022 21:08

You need to find other things to value and not just vanity. Ageing brings increasing problems and its not all to do with your face. Its ageing parents and their problems and illness. Just wait until the menopause hits you then you will not give a flying feck about "being invisible to men!"🙄

I've reached menopause and if I were single, I'd certainly still care, as I'd still want to have sex with men. As it is I have a partner so it's not an issue. However I'm far from invisible and get asked out regularly.
I've also gone through caring for aging parents, and then their deaths, which were two very difficult periods in a half century lifetime that's brought joy and sorrow in every decade.
No time of life is perfect, but the idea that aging is unavoidably linked with misery and struggle is not true for many of us, and its a shame to frighten and depress younger women by presenting it as an inevitability.

Herani · 30/04/2022 21:38

This says everything I was going to say.
OP it might seem hard to do, but getting older is inevitable, so no point concentrating on it or when you are 50 or 60 you’ll be rather cross with yourself that you wasted valuable time on it!
Make sure you live life to the full now - whatever that looks like to you. If you have good health, make the most of it. Not everyone will have health challenges in later life and if you do, medicine is there to help and will be even better in a decade or two, with all the research that’s going into DNA and longevity.

Yes, looks fade. I’m 46 and while I probably look a bit younger, I’m noticing things are starting to sag and I’m starting to look like my mother. But, I didn’t waste a moment of my life - I did everything I wanted to and probably some things I shouldn’t have - so don’t feel short-changed on anything.
Like PP I spent my life with lovely comments and feeling attractive, and I do miss not being noticed so much, but that’s pure vanity and honestly, I’m much happier being recognised for my brain and feeling attractive for me alone. I enjoy mentoring younger women and definitely don’t feel like I don’t have a place in society.
I promise you, it’s not as bad as you think. The wisdom you amass over the years makes up for it!

DontKeepTheFaith · 30/04/2022 21:38

I am enjoying being older, nothing to be afraid of!

My 30’s were shit, I had 2 young dses and cancer plus DH losing both parents. My 40’s have felt liberating by comparison; my career has blossomed and I care less about what people think of me. Menopause has been shit but I’m now on HRT and doing much better with that.
Looking forward to my 50’s.

5128gap · 30/04/2022 22:06

More good stuff OP:
My children are adults and my great friends. We go to gigs and on days out and mini breaks together, even clubbing. They are proud of me, and I'm reaping the rewards for the tough days of parenting.
I have way more disposable income now I have no dependents and a more senior role at work, so can throw a bit of money at my appearance, and make sure my hair looks its best, and I buy clothes that suit me, whenever I choose.
My job has become easy, because I know exactly what I'm doing. The young women on my team look up to me and I get to support them, which is very rewarding.
Life in general has become easy because I know exactly what I'm doing!
I look the best I ever have. I won't lie, I work at it. Religiously followed skin care routine, vegan diet, very little alcohol, a little botox, a lot of sleep. But I'm a size 6/8 with a 24" waist post menopause, and barely a wrinkle, so it's a good deal.
All of this, plus a bank of experiences going back 50 years, and nearly half my adult life still ahead of me.Truthfully, if I had the chance to go back to my 30s and leave all this, there's not a chance I'd take it.

FriedTomatoe · 30/04/2022 22:14

I'm late-40s and my two words of wisdom enjoy life but look after your body. A lot of my friends who don't exercise are starting to have issues of high blood pressure and cholesterol already. Also, if you're out doing fun stuff there won't be any time for worrying about losing your looks.

ImWearingReallyJudgyPants · 30/04/2022 22:18

Just wait until the menopause hits you then you will not give a flying feck about "being invisible to men!"

Couldn't agree less with this.

I'm not looking after my (very happily married) parents, either, as they are only 70 (they were sensible enough to have children when they were 19-24 - I wish I had done the same).

AChocolateOrangeaday · 30/04/2022 22:24

Never be afraid of growing old, it is a privilege denied to many.

Moonface123 · 30/04/2022 22:27

l am 53 and never give it a second thought.

Sorehandsandfeet · 30/04/2022 22:31

I think it's about priorities, I'm 40, I'm not as thin as I'd like to be, have gained weight due to medications, I want to regain my looks but am also happy that my kids are growing up, doing well, I'm discovering myself again in regards to hobbies. I can lose weight again but life, at all ages is worth it!

FabFitFifties · 30/04/2022 22:38

"I'm 41 and becoming invisible to men. It's freeing" This 100%. Plus other women are less bitchy to you. It's actually fabulous to walk into places and no one turns round or takes any interest!

RubbishDay · 01/05/2022 07:08

Sophia91 · 30/04/2022 20:52

health is more important to me I think, leaving the kids prematurely fills me with dread. I’m scared I won’t see them grow up, i sunbathed, used sun beds in my youth so feel doomed with the looking old thing, men age better than women apparently so I worry my DH will trade me in for a younger woman 🙄…pathetic I know

If I thought my DH would trade me in for a younger model he wouldn't be my DH anyway because if he only valued me for looks I wouldn't have married him. And I do know he values me for many things but that is because I am far more than how I look in my skin.

Original poster
Sophia91 · 01/05/2022 07:12

I honestly never worried about it in my 20’s…why now?…is this why husbands have affairs with younger women, because they believe their wife has lost her looks?

OP posts:
FindingMeno · 01/05/2022 07:13

I still look hot, just in a different way 😊

dudsville · 01/05/2022 07:19

You're frightened of what you will hopefully experience, that's a conundrum. Look at pics of Betty White or Robert Retford, etc., in youth, middle and old age. The changes are hopefully going to come, as opposed to an untimely death. The thing I'm doing is working on getting to a weight I will be happy with and making sure I'm living well so that I can keep moving for as long as I can.

I8toys · 01/05/2022 07:23

My experience is my experience it's not a scaremongering younger women or making them scared of the future. It's reality. It's not all sunshine, lollipops.......I was fine until I hit 49. Then at 50 got a chronic condition that causes pain 24/7. Never taken as much medication in my life. Pain on movement, no sleep. What I looked like had zero importance. Just getting through the day and hoping for less pain was all that mattered. Coupled with trying to get dementia diagnoses for parents and powers of attorney. It's been difficult. It's reality for some people. Wish I could say I do marathons and look and feel better. That's not my experience. I've also been married for 25 years so have never been interested in turning heads on entry to a room. And also respect the fact that my husband respects me as a person not just as a body/face. Especially as that body has let me down this year! 😁 Sometimes things happen out of your control and that is the scary part at any age!

ExMachinaDeus · 01/05/2022 07:35

The alternative is worse.

And if you’re worried about “losing your looks” develop a life with works and interests which don’t rely on “looks”. Get a personality!

UnsuitableHat · 01/05/2022 07:38

Embrace ageing; it's part of your identity and the only alternative is dying. If appearance is your thing, take comfort in the fact that there are some fabulous looking older women. Also, remember it happens to everyone.

Lykia · 01/05/2022 07:38

My best friend didn't get to grow old. She died very suddenly of cancer. Live your best life everyday and don't sweat the small stuff.

Walkingthedog46 · 01/05/2022 07:38

Don’t worry about growing old. It’s better than the alternative!!!

SquirrelG · 01/05/2022 07:40

Oh do get over yourself! What a ridiculous attitude for someone of your age. Rather than being scared of getting old I think you should be looking forward to growing up, as you sure aren't there yet.

Notdoingthis · 01/05/2022 08:41

Sounds more like you are afraid of being alone than losing your looks.

planetme · 01/05/2022 08:48

Whatlovelyweather · 30/04/2022 19:58

I’m in my 40s so can’t comment on further down the line but, while I do have to take a bit more time with my appearance, skin care etc, I’m so much happier than I was in my 20s. I care much less what people think, am healthier and just don’t worry so much. There are good things about all ages but you don’t get to discover them til you’re there I think

I feel like this too

Admittedly sometimes I look at pics when I was 20s and 30s and feel a pang but generally life is so much better in my 40s. And I look and feel great. I can run 5k and I do most days, I can also pole dance

I have the best job I've ever had, live in a lovely house which I own, 3 beautiful kids, a husband which I adore. I didn't have any of these things when I was 25 and "hot"

I give NO shits what people think of me anymore as well, it's so freeing.

MintyMoocow · 01/05/2022 08:50

Well I spend less on clothes because fewer clothes actually look nice on me. I get bone-tired more easily too, but I am fit and healthy and I have a bit of spare cash. I speak as I find, I have a lot of very specialised knowledge at work so no-one ignores me and in 5 years time I can retire.
Lost two dear friends in their 40’s, there is no point in fretting about old age, it may never happen.

planetme · 01/05/2022 08:53

Sophia91 · 01/05/2022 07:12

I honestly never worried about it in my 20’s…why now?…is this why husbands have affairs with younger women, because they believe their wife has lost her looks?

Do you have any particular reason to think dh is the type of shallow dick that would leave you once you're no longer young and beautiful ? Has he made comments, or has he cheated or given you the impression he might ?

If so this is more of a worry than just a general concern about getting older (which is normal in young women - which you are if your username is your year of birth)

Mumsnet is invaluable for relationship advice so if you've got any please do post xxx

starrynight21 · 01/05/2022 08:54

Nothing to be scared about ! I'm nearly twice that dreaded age of 35 and I still look OK and have good health. Just live a reasonably healthy life, everything in moderation, and don't stress about things you can't change .