Or is this need for constant validation rather pathetic?

[Wheniruletheworld]

It seems that so many here need some kind of physical gesture/gift/public service announcement to vaidate their feelings or as proof that they are liked/loved. For example;
Didn't get a leaving gift/card when I left work and yet I was so popular and this means my manager is at fault...
Was expecting somerhing better for my 'x'tieth birthday because I have been planning DP/DH/OH birthday since even before I knew them...
Wanted a more romantic proposal because otherwise he doesn't really love me does he if it isn't worthy of a love island type gesture

Why?

Most of the population are insecurely attached. Maybe you're in the lucky percentage who had a secure attachment as a child and feel settled and happy in yourself as a result. Most of the rest of us feel basically unworthy and unloved and spend all of our adult lives trying to escape that pit of despair.

@JulesRimetStillGleaming Essentially that.
OP if you’re lucky enough not to need the validation of others and be fighting that on a daily basis then that’s brilliant for you but by saying others are pathetic you just make it feel worse for other people and contribute to those feelings

I didn't say they were pathetic, I asked why the need for validatuon by others. Surely we should be working towards finding ways to 'validate ourselves' so to speak; if you don't get a leaving card and party when you leave, just revel in the fact that you did well and you are moving on. Their loss, and you get to understand that not everyone thinks or acts in the way you would want.
For info, I did not have a secure upbringing, so been making my own way for much of life. Perhaps this has made me secure enough not to require a fuss at times when society expects one. 🙁

In my case it stems from childhood, I think you would find that’s the case with most people.

lucky you to of had a loving and secure childhood.

What's wrong with wanting to feel appreciated at work? What's wrong with wanting the person you love making you feel a tad special on your birthday?

Self valuation and appreciation is all well and good but it does make us feel better when your boss says good job or your colleagues get you a leaving card or your DP surprises you with gift or something, there's nothing wrong with that.

Granted, if someone is being a whiney arse 'tell me I'm great' every 5 minutes, that would be hugely annoying but things you've mentioned I don't think are so horribly far fetched to want or enjoy.

I don’t think the items you mentioned are anything to do with requiring constant validation.

theyre cultural expectations which when people are excluded from them can be upsetting. If you’re the only one not getting the leaving present you feel bad. Not even the most self validated one of us wouldn’t.

the partner thing usually turns out to be where someone is running themself ragged and the freeloading partner doesn’t even do the gesture to brush it all under the rug for another year

it’s healthy to show appreciation for other people and it’s healthy to expect the same back.

I remember a time when my junior colleague came into work one Monday morning with an engagement ring on her finger. It was lovely, and I admired it. She wasn't happy though, because apparently it hadn't been expensive enough, and if he really loved her, then he would have spent far more money on it.

@JulesRimetStillGleaming Sums it up pretty much in one. I'm so fucked up with insecure attachments and BPD stemming from a shitty childhood that I can't even have relationships or friendships.
So pat yourself on the back OP. You are such a cool, secure and modern thinking individual. Oh and some of us just have higher standards than you.

I didn't

I hope you’re wrong.

Constant validation? The examples you give are, IMHO, more about gauging the level of respect you're getting from those you interact with. Less about validation, more about thinking might be taking you for granted.

Do you think this is to do with the parenting methods that were recommended in previous generations - cry it out, bottlefeeding, etc?

As pp said. It's not necessarily about validation. It's showing someone that you appreciate and see them. I don't view gifts as a token of someone's love, well not alone anyway.
We are social beings and I would equally be bothered about someone that doesn't need any approval and acceptance from their family and peer group, that can be as much as a red flag as someone needing a lot of validation.

I suppose I feel the only person you can really rely on is oneself. The world owes us no favours, so best not to expect anything, then you're not disappointed. I just think that expectations can be dashed, or not fully met, so better to not have any in certain aspects of life.

See your own perspective sounds equally as damaged, as someone that is overly dependant and is likely coming from bad experiences, as opposed to a true desire to depend solely on yourself.

Some seek validation in the things you mention OP, others in starting threads on AIBU, we’re all different.

@veronicagoldberg No. It's generational. Trauma is being passed down over and over again as people are parenting in a way that's influence by the emotional qualities of their parents and their parents etc.

I was emotionally neglected as a child. None of that was down to parenting techniques. My parents were not emotionally secure enough to make me feel emotionally safe and secure. Things like poverty and trauma on a wider scale feed into that too but familial trauma is often underestimated in how much it affects us.

I had to pretend it wasn't my 16th birthday so as not to embarrass my grandparents who weren't expected to remember and wouldn't have bought me anything and then told off when I got tearful in the car afterwards. Some people just cannot parent.

I agree that the world does not owe us anything, and expectations can be dashed - there are no guarantees for anything. However, most people rely on each and mostly in many good ways. That’s how fundamental healthy human relationships are formed and sustained. It’s not a bad thing, as we need each other. Of course, there overly dependent people are who expect too much from others, who require none stop validation and who are draining and tiresome but show no reciprocity. But for the most part it’s a healthy human characteristic.

Social Media has much to answer for.

Folk are so taken in and invested into what others are up to, believing it to be real and that is how their lives should be that they fail to see what is right in front of them.

@Wheniruletheworld in your title you say it’s pathetic to do it so of course you’re suggesting people are being pathetic for it
i had assumed you were smugly very confident in yourself which I apologise for but I’m sad to read your update that you can only rely on yourself etc; to a certain extent that is true but equally id rather have hope and expectations then be disappointed rather than not expect anything so you’re not disappointed. I think the danger of that approach for some people is then their low expectations mean they then accept less than they are worth and being treated that way rather than demanding and expecting better

Possibly a slight tangent but I think a lot of women suffer from Cinderella syndrome - where they have been taught that if they work hard, are quiet and compliant then some day their fairy god mother will magically appear and grant them their hearts desire!!

ok, so that’s a little over the top but it feeds into this idea that the perfect partner will just know the perfect present to give you without prompting, or will telepathically sense your ideal proposal location/wording/ring choice. We do seem to raise girls to think asking isn’t ‘nice’ but are then unprepared to deal with the fallout when this isn’t how real life works… you want a particular present for a birthday? Don’t ‘drop hints’, bloody ask for it directly.

That said, the three examples you give are quite divergent - leaving card I would expect (nice to have the reminder), but not necessarily a gift - birthday gift, ask for as explained above - proposal is all about sincerity not showiness imho.

As a footnote, my ex was on the spectrum and thought that having told me he loved me once, it was unnecessary to repeat the sentiment - honestly thought that saying ‘I love you’ every day was pandering to my need for external validation. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Do you do thoughtful things for people you care about and want to show appreciation for? If so do you do it willingly?

I don’t understand your point at all. We live in a society which has agreed rituals. Humans have forever given each other presents to make occasions and show care and appreciation. We’re the same as we’ve always been albeit with variations on the things we mark or celebrate. I make an effort to do thoughtful things and give gifts to the people I care about. I expect the same from them and don’t feel weird about it.

Do you feel superior to other people who demonstrate care or respect through gift giving?

There is absolutely nothing pathetic or unhealthy about wanting to feel appreciated from time to time with gifts or gestures, it’s just nice, especially if you do a lot for other people it’s normal.

What’s unhealthy however is constantly seeking validation and attention on social media, or feeling inadequate because you don’t look a certain way or get enough likes on pictures etc. That is rife today, and very unhealthy.

parenting methods that were recommended in previous generations - cry it out, bottlefeeding, etc?

Leave it out with the bottle feeding.