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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is this need for constant validation rather pathetic?

36 replies

Wheniruletheworld · 30/04/2022 09:22

It seems that so many here need some kind of physical gesture/gift/public service announcement to vaidate their feelings or as proof that they are liked/loved. For example;
Didn't get a leaving gift/card when I left work and yet I was so popular and this means my manager is at fault...
Was expecting somerhing better for my 'x'tieth birthday because I have been planning DP/DH/OH birthday since even before I knew them...
Wanted a more romantic proposal because otherwise he doesn't really love me does he if it isn't worthy of a love island type gesture

Why?

OP posts:
Notanotherwindow · 30/04/2022 14:35

I didn't say they were pathetic

It's literally in your title...

What I find pathetic is people who have nothing better to do than post goady threads in the hope of upsetting others and provoking a row.

Don't you have homework or something?

Original poster
Wheniruletheworld · 30/04/2022 15:11

Vsirbdo · 30/04/2022 13:48

@Wheniruletheworld in your title you say it’s pathetic to do it so of course you’re suggesting people are being pathetic for it
i had assumed you were smugly very confident in yourself which I apologise for but I’m sad to read your update that you can only rely on yourself etc; to a certain extent that is true but equally id rather have hope and expectations then be disappointed rather than not expect anything so you’re not disappointed. I think the danger of that approach for some people is then their low expectations mean they then accept less than they are worth and being treated that way rather than demanding and expecting better

No apology required!
To be clear, everyone, I am not heartless, and I love doing things/giving to others (and not feeling superior when doing so as one pp has asked!).

I apologise for using the word pathetic. It was harsh. I should have just asked aibu to not understand

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 30/04/2022 15:12

Then YABU for saying you don’t understand when you do the same.

Original poster
Wheniruletheworld · 30/04/2022 15:16

Notanotherwindow · 30/04/2022 14:35

I didn't say they were pathetic

It's literally in your title...

What I find pathetic is people who have nothing better to do than post goady threads in the hope of upsetting others and provoking a row.

Don't you have homework or something?

It was the concept not the people
Read some of my replies to other posters and you will see i was not being goady.
But love your comment about homework to do. Such wit.

OP posts:
TooManyPJs · 30/04/2022 15:28

Yes if you were securely attached you wouldn't see anything wrong with people wanting and expecting appreciation for their efforts and for themselves as people. The fact that you seem so dismissive of it and dismissive of people who expect to be valued suggests maybe you don't feel you are worthy of such respect and validation. Perhaps something to look at in yourself there rather than pointing the finger at others and calling them pathetic.

TinnitusTina · 30/04/2022 15:34

NarcissasMumintheDoghouse · 30/04/2022 12:38

Constant validation? The examples you give are, IMHO, more about gauging the level of respect you're getting from those you interact with. Less about validation, more about thinking might be taking you for granted.

Agreed, your examples are not about validation OP, they are about people being very rude, either intentionally or unintentionally. The question that's more interesting to ask is why are so many people so very envious of others?

Irishfarmer · 30/04/2022 15:37

I think most people like to think it's not to be thought of. I know I do. No it doesn't have to be expensive/ flashy but it's lovely if someone goes to a bit of effort for you.

It's nice to have your loved ones remember it's a special birthday, although IMO all birthdays are special. It's nice to get a little card from work.

Goldengoosey · 30/04/2022 15:39

When I opened your thread I thought it would be about daily selfies on social media. The examples you describe are not about constant validation, and certainly not pathetic, as you describe.

I think it’s reasonable when you leave a job where the culture is to make a bit of a fuss with gift and card, and you get nothing, to feel a bit miffed. Similarly, if you make an effort for your family and friends birthdays and it isn’t reciprocated it’s OK to feel a bit shit about it.

I originally thought you seemed a bit dismissive and detached but I don’t quite buy the don’t give a fuck and only rely on myself attitude. I think you’re protecting yourself with the expect nothing so you can’t be disappointed approach to life. And that’s a wee bit sad.

If I left my job tomorrow after making an effort for lots of colleagues leaving dos, and colleagues didn’t mark it I would definitely be upset. Likewise if husband didn’t make an effort for my birthday I would be upset/pissed off. I think most people would feel the same.

ldontWanna · 30/04/2022 15:43

Wheniruletheworld · 30/04/2022 12:54

I suppose I feel the only person you can really rely on is oneself. The world owes us no favours, so best not to expect anything, then you're not disappointed. I just think that expectations can be dashed, or not fully met, so better to not have any in certain aspects of life.

That is the other presentation of insecure attachment and a coping mechanism. You're protecting yourself from disappointment because you expect people to disappoint you or not being able to rely on them. It's often not healthy either.

You can't understand it because you're not wired that way, you can't allow yourself to be because you think you'll end up hurt.

As an aside , every single example you gave can depend on the circumstances, and in some situations it's completely reasonable to upset. For example a work place that ALWAYS does something for someone leaving /marrying/having a baby from the cleaner to the CEO, but you're the only one it wasn't done for. It's normal to hurt and wonder why me ?

Anonymum263 · 30/04/2022 15:44

Wheniruletheworld · 30/04/2022 12:04

I didn't say they were pathetic, I asked why the need for validatuon by others. Surely we should be working towards finding ways to 'validate ourselves' so to speak; if you don't get a leaving card and party when you leave, just revel in the fact that you did well and you are moving on. Their loss, and you get to understand that not everyone thinks or acts in the way you would want.
For info, I did not have a secure upbringing, so been making my own way for much of life. Perhaps this has made me secure enough not to require a fuss at times when society expects one. 🙁

Show quote history

OP, you did say "pathetic" in the title of the thread.

badgermushrooms · 30/04/2022 15:46

When it comes down to it we are social animals, overevolved monkeys basically. Monkey brain knows that we're only one drought or bad fall from a tree from needing the help of the people around us, and it makes us nervous when we aren't sure that help will be forthcoming.

It's not actually healthy to logic yourself out of normal human emotions. Monkey brain is still there, deep down.

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