For feeling guilty for keeping an unplanned pregnancy

[Mumtobe4675]

Almost 15 weeks pregnant today and although I am happy with my decision to proceed I am also struggling with some feelings of guilt.

My partner decided at 11 weeks that he was out, threatened suicide if I didn’t get an abortion so I have not spoken to him since. I know logically in my head that it is my choice. But why do I feel selfish keeping a baby he doesn’t want and which may also make him suffer mentally. Am I just traumatised by things that he said? I’m struggling to think of legitimate reasons why fathers should be involved with children they didn’t want. Again I know
logically they should be but if they didn’t want one WHY should they be? Maybe he’s just manipulated me so much that I am not seeing sense!

I also feel slightly guilty for this child. I know there are amazing single mothers out there and I do not feel that they shouldn’t have gone ahead so I’m not sure why I am applying those feelings to myself. I guess I’m just terrified I am doing this for selfish reasons because I want a child?

I guess I also have guilt for my family and friends who will have to give up their time to support me and that too feels selfish. I feel like they want logical reasons off me for why I want to keep it which aren’t just because I want to!

ugh anyway I know a lot of this is just hormones but has anyone else felt this way!

I just wanted to say to you that I think all pregnancies come with a degree of guilt. Even if planned, even if happily married etc - there’s always a little bit of guilt in there somewhere. Please don’t feel too bad

Lots of people have to deal with stuff they don't like and didn't choose happening in their lives. If you think about it, most parents don't consult their first child about having another child (or several!). Instead, older siblings are just expected to lump it and put up with it and they don't even have the option of walking away like adults do. Your partner can choose not to be involved (except financially), but since you're the one carrying this baby, it's your choice whether or not to continue the pregnancy.

I voted yabu as there is no reason for you to feel guilty.

Threatening suicide unless you do his will is incredibly controlling and narc tbh.

Absolutely agree! His suicide threat is horrendous and controlling.

It’s funny how his desire not to be a father was strong enough to threaten suicide but not strong enough to stop him from doing the act that makes babies.

I assume that he is still alive and kicking despite you not being willing to do what he wanted?

If I thought a pregnancy would kill me, I'd make bloody sure I didn't get pregnant. He had the same choice. He just doesn't get to force you to abort (although he abusively tried).

Biology is pretty horrible and unequal for women. The only advantage we get is one more chance to choose not to have a baby. That's all, one more. Everyone knows that going in.

Congratulations. I hope you have a wonderful pregnancy and a lovely new baby!!!

I’m with @Duckyneedsaclean

Unless you lied about using contraception and also poked holes in the condoms he would have been wearing if he was truly determined to avoid being a father, it took two of you to conceive, he’s the one that should feel guilty. For planning to walk away from his child and trying to emotionally blackmail you.

Why would family and friends have to give up time to support you? What if they don't want to and say no?
Can you not support yourself and the baby?

Your ex partner is beyond pathetic - the only reason you, and indeed any, woman gets pregnant is because a man’s sperm is inserted inside her vagina via his penis, so 🤷🏻‍♀️ yanno, zero fucks available, really, for him.

Don’t ever feel guilty for welcoming a wanted and loved child into the world.

Dont ever doubt how strong and amazing you are - honestly I really admire that you dumped your knobhead ex and you’re keeping your baby.

Yanbu to keep a baby you want and yanbu to feel guilty. I planned both my children and when I was pregnant with my second I felt horrendous guilt for my second because his little life would change but it was 100% the best thing for all of us. As a mum you'll feel guilty about things, whether you can control them or not so get those feelings out, write on here etc and then accept you'll do everything right by your baby and then move forward. Good luck with your little bundle of joy and ride the waves of emotions as best you can x

I don’t think well of people who threaten suicide. It is manipulative and deceitful.

(people who actually attempt suicide, whether ‘successful’ or not, tend not to announce it)

I was made to feel guilty for keeping my unplanned pregnancy.
those guilt trips then turned into wanting to control what happens and talking to me as though I was an incubator!
men can be so selfish, they forget that pregnancy is difficult on the body.

it’s ok to want to keep a baby just because you want to. It’s nature.

Thanks for your advice everyone. I guess it is normal to feel this way to a certain extent.

And yes I mostly think the suicide threat is just to manipulate but there is a small part of me that fears for his safety.

My sister had an unplanned pregnancy during our relationship so we talked extensively about what we would do in this situation. He said he wants children with me but not for 3 years but would stick by me if it did happen. I was using natural cycles which he new isn’t the most reliable but I had the confidence that if something unplanned happened it would be fine. So it was discussed and I felt we were on the same page. If I knew he would act like this I would not have continued to sleep with him.

And yes he wasn’t too suicidal to have sex! Just very controlling and messed up person!

Do we think I need to keep him informed of the pregnancy? Technically he doesn’t know I’m keeping it yet as he hasn’t responded to messages asking to have a discussion.

Why do you feel guilty? Did you steal his semen? Did you rape him?

If you both had conceptual sex, then there is nothing to feel guilty about.

I guess it just feels like such a huge choice that impacts so many people that I’m constantly questioning if it’s the right thing just because I want it.

I voted YABU as you have nothing at all to feel guilty about. It is the most natural thing in the world to want to keep your baby and not a bit selfish. Your ex sounds absolutely horrendous- how dare he. Threatening suicide is a form of coercive control and abuse. No you absolutely do not need to keep him updated about anything.
Congratulations on your pregnancy.

@Mumoftwoinprimary yes I assume he is still alive and kicking! And yes @DifficultBloodyWoman i have heard that too. He has often used his mental health as an excuse so really I should have seen this coming!

@KitBumbleB its more that I know I have a fab family and friends and they would always go above and beyond to support me no matter what. I guess I just feel guilty knowing that they will be spending time helping me. It’s something I’ve always struggled with!

Oops, misvoted. You're BU (but only in the very specific context of this post), he's being manipulative.

Nothing to feel guilty about. Your friends and family will only support you as much as they want to. My close friend was a single mum from day 1 and it was a pleasure to help and be involved in her daughter's life. I certainly hope she doesn't feel guilty!

Walk away from him - even if he decides we wants to be involved, you have now seen a nasty, manipulative side of him and should keep your distance.

Didn't you post about this scenario before you got pregnant? Seeking affirmation it would all be fine if you got pregnant when he didn't want to yet? The "3 years" but not using contraception is familiar. If so, that would seem to be the source of guilty feelings and understanding that will help you deal with them.

Anyway, your friends and family don't "have to" help you - so when they do you know it's because they choose to and you don't have to feel guilty. They love you and they want to, not have to.

Nobody has a baby for any reason other than wanting a child. It's always "selfish" but I doubt you condemn other people the way you're condemning yourself?

As for contact - it's the child's best interests that come first. Not yours. Not his.

One day (probably not far away), you will be so happy you kept your baby. Stuff your (ex?) DP.

@cornflakedreams nope I only heard of mumsnet after I was pregnant. I did one other post a few weeks back when I was about 12 weeks I think. The conversation was more that ideally it would be 3 years but if it happened we would be fine. So I definitely did not plan this but I chose a less safe contraception under the mutual understanding that if the unexpected happened it would be fine.

and yes I guess in that sense it is always selfish in some way and no I wouldn’t apply that to anyone else. Just myself it seems!

and yes agreed about child’s interest. But I’m still not sure what the best course of action is with that in mind. He has been horribly abusive and really I know I’m more than strong enough to deal with his behaviour. I’m very good at separating my feelings. But is it right for the baby that he is involved if he has acted this way. My sense is to communicate the bare minimum necessary so that he can choose what he wants to do with that information.

Agree with PPs threatening suicide is a dick move. Don't feel sorry for him for a second. Surely he knew that sex can result in pregnancy.

@Mumtobe4675 Don’t feel guilty.

Something like this happened to me. Was told by gynae I would never conceive naturally and would need IVF. Started seeing a new guy and was pregnant within 3 months.

The stress of the circumstances (he admitted he was expecting a baby with another girl who was already 8 months!) and my extreme guilt / shame contributed to a miscarriage at 4 months.

Reeling from that loss, I cursed myself for allowing external factors to cast a shadow on the gift of my pregnancy.

You will do just great! This is a blessing. Congratulations & I wish you all the very best 🧡