... to think a lot of middle aged couples stay married for convenience

[HofstadtersLaw]

That's certainly my own case. We've drifted apart over many years and live very different lives. I've met someone else, a good friend, but that is all for now. I'd like to change that so have some big decisions in the coming weeks for me.

DSis is in an unhappy marriage too. Feeling unloved, not appreciated, no sex, etc. She's decided to wait things out until youngest starts work or goes to college.

My best friend has no kids, and happy staying in her marriage for financial and a few other reasons.

Is it just me and people I know?

I think this is essentially it what you say. I absolutely annoy my husband as he annoys me but I love him despite of this, as does he.

Our mutual friends are the same but I think the reason behind it is the friendship & love we have, aswell as the hardships we've experienced and pulled ourselves through.

In relation to time together we're probably not at same level as others, we've been together 19 years so may feel differently in 20 years or so.

I hope you get things clear in your head in what you plan to do OP.

No relationship stays the same over the course of a lifetime. Most of us have different needs and expectations as we age.

I place a great deal of value on companionship in my 20-year marriage. That's the most important aspect of our relationship, for me. It's not exactly the same as it was at the very beginning, and there have been ups and downs, but we still support and care for one another. We have interesting conversations and enjoy spending time together. Yes, it's almost always more convenient to stay together than to split, but there's more to it than that, even if we might seem a boring couple from the outside.

Divorce hasn't been common in my circle, and while I'm certain the middle-aged couples have disagreements and irritations, they've so far all stuck it out and seem satisfied with their lives. They could divorce any time they wanted to. I don't think they're together only because it's convenient. They've built something together and want to see it through to the end.

I'd say it's a bigger number than one would expect it to be, but I don't think it's 'a lot', as in a majority of. And it's not an excuse to cheat.

If you're truly in a 'friendship' with someone you want to 'take to the next level', please leave your marriage before you cheat. At least spare your spouse that pain and allow both of you to exit with dignity.

I think that as we grow older our marriages change and evolve. Certainly DH and I are not the same, nor is our marriage the same, as during the early days of 'newlyweds' and the hectic years of childrearing. In our retirement years there is a peace and a calmness in our married life that we didn't have when we were younger. But that doesn't mean we no longer love each other nor that our marriage is simply a 'convenience'.

I'm 56 and see a good few friends who are very happy. They laugh a lot together. I would give my right arm to be in a loving relationship. My 9 year old relationship ended very recently. I feel bereft, lonely and very upset

There are lots of unhappy older women (60 plus) on Gransnet who are now stuck with demanding and miserable old buggers. They should have got out years ago but now fear old age on their own or can't afford to split. They fetch and carry for husbands who sit and watch TV all day.

I stayed single when my kids were young and I'd have to say I had a great time. I had 2 amazing lovers. We ended it because one of them had to move because of his work in different countries and my recent longterm partner ended things completely out of the blue, no warning, nothing. Up til then I loved being in a relationship

We split when youngest was 18. Life is amazing now

I know my heart is broken now but I would love to be with someone who I love and who loved me. I used to be in some really loving relationships and I miss that

Don't tar us all with the same brush. Middle aged and loving life and my DH, not bored, not coasting, not making do but having a great time together ta very much.

I think it's a spectrum, as with most things. There are a lot of relationships in between deliriously happy and completely miserable. I'm not sure at which point people decide to pull the plug. My relationship with DH is unexciting, probably even dull most of the time because we are busy with demanding full-time jobs and raising kids. I still much prefer it to being on my own. I enjoy the companionship,shared humour and the family time. We don't spend very much time at all doing things just the two of us but when we do it is enjoyable. I like being able to share the responsibilities of life.

It's certainly very different from the early years and we can be distant at times but I wouldn't trade it in to go off seeking passion, romance and excitement that I might never find.

When I was in my first longterm relationship when I was in my 20's I ended the relationship because I wanted to do and see different things. He was so great and he was devastated when it ended. I know now why he took it so hard. Having your heart broken is horrific! I know I'm exaggerating but it is so effing painful. I'm going to join a nunnery!

Of course there are tons of them. I know quite a few who stay married because of the kids, financial reasons, don’t want to be alone.

I think it's common tbh. I feel very sad for my friend in a sexless marriage with an utter dullard, but having already been through one divorce I don't think she can face another. It's all very polite until she's had a few to drink and then she'll tell us how depressing it all is.
Unfortunately she thinks she just has to stay in the marriage now, despite the fact her husband is a complete cocklodger who has spent years working in low-stress jobs and sitting on his arse watching TV, while she has run herself into the ground in a highly stressful job and runs around after him like he's the Queen of Sheba. He's now convinced her to sell the house she bought and use the equity to pay off debts he had before they were married and move to a cheaper property in his home country, away from her family and friends. But she's scared of being on her own, has no children, and thinks if they divorced she'll grow old alone.
It's so sad.

Maybe some people feel this way. But surely the minority. Personally we don't- mid fifties, together 25+ years and still love each other and enjoy spending time with each other.

It’s interesting the comments about people not wanting to be alone. I’d be fine being on my own, I love it! As long as I still had my friends (who are mainly women), it wouldn’t bother me.

Not that I don’t enjoy DH’s company.😂

There's plenty of middle aged couples I know that are still together sans DC's or even didn't have DC's that still adore each other despite the troubles they may have been through. They simply love each other.
Others I know didn't make it. Including myself.
It's your life OP. Do what you feel is right.

I know of a few couples that are still married, but clearly far from happy and satisfied (I've been told). I also know many are very happy (again based on what I've been told by them).

I was lucky in that I exited a wrong relationship for me when I was younger. I think as people get older they're less likely to make such a change, even if they are unhappy?

Having been in both positions, I'm always delighted to read about other happy couples. It's not for everyone ... but those of us lucky enough to be in such a situation should cherish and nurture it.

I think lots of people are like this initially when the dc grow up and move out, but gradually grow closer together again. Relationships change often, sometimes you are close other times further apart. And all relationships have to be worked at.

I agree with you. I'm happily married and love sharing my life and my home with my husband. But if that were to end, the being on my own part I'd be fine with!

Thinking about my friends I believe those who are married are happy. I have single friends who are divorced and they seem happy too, not one of them regrets ending their marriage.
I don't doubt there are women who stay for the lifestyle and because it is easier than having to get a full time job and work yourself to the bone.
As for leaving for another man/woman I disagree that it rarely works out. People like to think there is such a think as karma but I haven't seen much evidence of it. I read once that second marriages have a higher failure rate than first marriages, this doesn't bare out in my experience.
I have quite a few friends who are on their second marriages and I can't think of any one who is unhappy in their marriage. If course they might be giving a good performance. I only have one friend who is going through problems and she isn't married they just live together.

@Penguinsaregreat I agree that subsequent relationships can work out, but from what I've observed, it's more likely to work out if the unhappy partner leaves, has some time alone, and then meets someone new - or perhaps kindles a romance with someone they already knew, but weren't involved with at all.

I suppose it's because they have time to process the end of one relationship and figure out what they really want from a new one.

This is very much how DH and I still are after 30 years together. He makes me laugh every day and can still make me blush. There's still a lot of passion (ahem) and we still argue - but that's because we could never be indifferent to each other. I always say that the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference.

But, this is exactly the type of marriage I wanted. I never wanted to be with a DH who was essentially just a friendly house-mate. Tepid domesticity has always left me cold. I don't need DH to ever clean the bathroom or cook dinner - I need him to make me giggle like a teenager, and make me feel like I'm always the most beautiful woman in the room (to him).

But, lots of people are very content to share their life with a friendly house-mate. Not everyone wants or needs to be Romeo & Juliet or Clare & Jamie.

I know a few couples that split up in 40s/50s/60s for a variety of reasons. This probably would not have happen in my parents time. Things do change in relationships over long periods time, it is normal and expected, nothing stays the same. That can result in the relationship growing and evolving, or becoming more distant (and perhaps failing).

For example, in my case, over the years, DH has grown an interest in a time consuming, somewhat expensive hobby, sometimes with travel involved. While I don't have an overlapping interest in that hobby, I'm actually very happy for him to have something he enjoys like this. It's good for him!

DH also has some health issues that sometimes results in ED (viagra not a help). That was a big issue for him to deal with on a personal level, and of course it had an impact on me too and impacted my confidence. However, we've worked something out that works for us as a couple, even now is still keeping me very happy

So looking from the outside it might look like a challenged relationship (DH's hobby/time/money + his ED and a partner that still wants a sexual relationship), but I think we're both happy together.

So you’re having an emotional affair and considering ending your marriage.

Would have been much better to decide what to do about your marriage before embarking on an EA.

Doubt many people stay in marriages due to ‘convenience’. For money issues, fear of other options, and/or upsetting DC, sure.

I do wonder about my parents to be honest. My father did bugger all day to day at home really when we were kids. If he shut a cupboard door he was helping out. Father had his hobby that he did at least two evenings a week, usually more (cycling wasn't a thing back then and it wasn't golf), so we never saw him some days at all.

They are 79 and 84 now and they bicker like hell, it's very draining. He has another expensive hobby now, which they can afford, but it does wind my mother up, but she did say to me a while ago, that she gets evenings to herself.

I do wonder if they had us a children now whether the marriage would survive.