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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to think a lot of middle aged couples stay married for convenience

78 replies

HofstadtersLaw · 29/04/2022 13:43

That's certainly my own case. We've drifted apart over many years and live very different lives. I've met someone else, a good friend, but that is all for now. I'd like to change that so have some big decisions in the coming weeks for me.

DSis is in an unhappy marriage too. Feeling unloved, not appreciated, no sex, etc. She's decided to wait things out until youngest starts work or goes to college.

My best friend has no kids, and happy staying in her marriage for financial and a few other reasons.

Is it just me and people I know?

OP posts:
HeDidWhattt · 29/04/2022 13:44

More people are in the same boat than you realise.

it’s sad really….but it is reality.

Discovereads · 29/04/2022 13:46

If by “a lot” you mean a significant minority, YANBU
If by “a lot” you mean a significant majority, YABU

Its really easy to split up especially in middle age so imho most couples are together because they want to be together.

FourTeaFallOut · 29/04/2022 13:47

I'm not seeing evidence of that around me. Are you sure you aren't just scanning for examples to confirm your plan? You can just leave him you know, without having to cast yourself as some kind of misery avoiding trailblazer.

VladsPants · 29/04/2022 13:47

It’s not at all true for me personally but I look at my friends relationships and wonder how so many of them can live in such a loveless manner. I think they convince themselves it’s normal.

Skinterior · 29/04/2022 13:48

DH and I were like this. It got really tough so we went to marriage counselling.

Total game changer. It doesn't work for everyone but before you do something you can't undo, please consider giving it a try.

ivykaty44 · 29/04/2022 13:49

so you meet someone else and are now trying to justify failing marriages etc to fit your own agenda - thats how it came across to me

CharSiu · 29/04/2022 13:53

Of all long term couples I know, two broke up. The rest are as far as I’m aware fine together. My friends are like minded women who are very vocal and have financial independence. The two that called time were fine financially. I think finances play a huge part. Three of my women friends vastly out earn their husbands.

the80sweregreat · 29/04/2022 13:53

I know a few people who were unhappy and got out after meeting someone else. It isn't without its trouble and heartache , but it worked out for them in the end.

emmathedilemma · 29/04/2022 13:58

It sounds awful but i was wondering this about my parents recently when i went to visit. They are constantly snapping and bickering at each other over ridiculous things, seem to do very little together, and I'm sure most of the time my dad only does stuff my mum wants to do to keep the peace and would much rather be subscribed to a sports channel and spend most of his day watching that!

NoSquirrels · 29/04/2022 13:58

I think every long-term intimate relationship goes through peaks and troughs. It’s whether you’re willing to consider a trough to be a temporary, expected thing and ride it out, perhaps with counselling or other help if needed, or if you’re inclined to see it as a sign of ‘settling’ for something substandard, that defines if your relationship is successful or not.

People who are bloody miserable should divorce. But a lot of people will be dissatisfied to a greater or lesser extent for a shorter or longer period of time and get through that if they want to. Having children to consider or other binding ties makes it more likely you’ll stick it out.

Long term relationships are about pragmatic decisions and practicalities as much as emotions. That’s normal, imo.

the80sweregreat · 29/04/2022 14:09

I wished my late fil had left my mil years before they both died unhappy and leading separate horrible lives full of recriminations and back stabbing and heartache , but people of their generation just didn't do this type of thing. They stuck it out :(

LocalHobo · 29/04/2022 14:24

It certainly is simpler to stay together but, looking round my friendship group all married 30 years plus, I see mostly very happy couples.
We are financially stable, working on our own terms and enjoying more quality time together now the DC are pretty much independent.
One couple have split and one couple, not only married but running a business all day, every day, don't seem to be very affectionate with each other.
The remainder, approx 10 couples including us, are genuinely having fun together.

MugOfBuildersTea · 29/04/2022 14:28

42 % of marriages end up in divorce.

Out of the remaining 58 % who knows how many are staying together for the kids, financial reasons, or because they are scared of being single.

the80sweregreat · 29/04/2022 14:33

We've had our downs and a few ups , ( lots of downs) but we are reasonably happy after 30 plus years and have shared interests and still make each other laugh too. It's not always been easy , but marriage isn't. It got easier as the children grew up and we give each other space too. I understand why people do split up though , life is tough and marriage is hard going plus I think many stick at it because they don't want a messy expensive divorce or worried about the children. All understandable too.

Onwards22 · 29/04/2022 14:38

I know loads of couples like this.
What’s sad is I know a few 20-35 year olds like this too and I always if this is just their life now.

A lot of the time they just don’t like change or it’s more convenient financially or they don’t want to be alone.

You see it on here a lot too - if the relationship isn’t awful people think they don’t want to risk leaving for the unknown.

If they happened to find someone they’re attracted to physically and mentally and who was well off they wouldn’t think twice about leaving.

the80sweregreat · 29/04/2022 14:41

I've got a friend whose boyfriend is pretty awful but she won't leave him ! It's been a few years of misery for her , but she loves him. They don't live together or have any ties.
I'd cut my losses there , but people sometimes like being treated like this I think ? Or they think the person may change?

AlabamaSong · 29/04/2022 14:44

I think there may also be a bias when reading mumsnet. In general people only post when they have problems, if everything is great then people don't post.

Having said that, I know middle aged couple friends that seem to have great relationships. I also know others that are just chugging along, and that obviously suits them!

Looking back I certainly "settled" for a comfortable option getting married (bad experience really messed me up for a few years), and it has turned out OK. We're in a great position financially, great kids, house, good father, etc.

However, when I look back I really feel as if I've missed out on parts of life (passion, real closeness, etc.). It's sad if I think about it, but that was my choice.

CrystalCoco · 29/04/2022 14:48

I'm mostly still here due to the financial devastation a divorce would inevitably cause but it's getting harder and harder every day to stay here. From the outside it looks to me that my parents might be the same, I don't see a lot of love between them and we're all grown up so no need to stay for us.

One friend of mine stays for the children, another is planning to leave because the shit show that is her marriage is not fair on the children.

I think there are possibly a lot of couples just 'muddling through' and a lot of couples staying because they want to be there.

Nobody really knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Cameleongirl · 29/04/2022 14:57

Ending your long marriage because you've met someone else isn't the best idea, IMO. Ending it because you've truly drifted apart and can't reconnect is completely different.

If you think it's over, perhaps suggest separating and live life on your own for a while. Jumping into a new relationship isn't a good idea, you need time to figure out what you really want from life. If you start a new relationship right away, you're not giving yourself any space to do this.

For context, I'm also in a long marriage (we're happy) and I would definitely want to be single for a while before starting anything new. Even if I'd met someone, I know it would be healthy to have time alone first.

Good luck, OP. Flowers

likestartingover · 29/04/2022 14:58

Outside of an abusive relationship, it's also a big decision considering the financial and social implications. People don't like change.

With the exception of an abusive relationship, of course there is also a risk in doing it, the grass is not always greener!

I really felt empty, somewhat alone, unfulfilled, unappreciated, bad sex (when I was lucky!). Friends told me I was crazy, but I'm in a much better good place now. I'm so so so glad I was brave enough to make that change.

Life is for living!

I'm not doing anything amazing with my life! but am enjoying it, feeling less alone (even though I'm single), and better sex (when I want it!).

Cameleongirl · 29/04/2022 15:06

Good for you, @likestartingover !

That's what I meant, the OP should make the decision for herself, not for a new relationship or because she's relying on a new relationship for support, IYSWIM.

Anonymous48 · 29/04/2022 15:09

Me and most of my friends are in the 45-55 age range. Some of them have gotten divorced. The rest of us who are still married seem, at least from the outside, to be happily married. Of course you never really know, but I have no reason to believe anyone is staying in their marriage for convenience.

bythebanksof · 29/04/2022 15:09

We'll all have our own subjective experiences, and been exposed to those of closer friends and family.

However, there is an underlying trend. I encountered this as topic at a conference a few years ago. In the US it's called "Gray Divorce Revolution".

I know of many many such cases. These would have been fairly rare when I did legal work in the UK in 90s, but times changed. Lots of research and analysis of the reasons ... and causes are nothing too surprising!

nearlyspringyay · 29/04/2022 15:10

No one knows what goes on behind closed doors, you might think people are happy but do you really know?

Two friends have recently separated and going through divorce, both waited until the kids had done their GCSEs. You would never have expected them to be the ones to not make it.

AuntieMarys · 29/04/2022 15:10

I know people married 30 plus years, bored eith each other but now overinvested in their grandchildren as they have nothing else in their life.
I divorced mid 50s and moved on to a much happier, fulfilled life.