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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling hurt

28 replies

suitablefolk · 29/04/2022 12:31

My partner two years( not living together) is quite unwell. He is hospital having tests and investigations at the moment. He is an impatient in a hospital near where I live as he was with me when he became acutely unwell.
I am a Medical professional and he, in his own words , is completely clueless when it comes to medicine, terminology etc.

I suggested using me as a next of kin which he gladly accepted . Gave him all details for admission.
He is meeting all different medical teams each day and is utterly confused regarding lingo and plans for his treatment.

I rang the unit to be told that I am not NOK so they can't speak to me, which is fair enough.
However I do feel upset by this as he has no idea what is going on with his care and treatment.
I visit him every day which is an hours round trip for me on top of a very busy day with kids and bring him what he needs and wants .
He is presently athree hour round trip from home.
He has not had any other visitors and is on his own we all day long otherwise .

I feel hurt that he said he wanted me to be his NOK and minutes later, having typed out details for him, have his brothers name as NOK. His Brother hasn't been in touch with medical staff whatsoever and just texts partner daily.

I am worried sick as there is a possibility of cancer and there doesn't seem to be a plan in place.
Meanwhile he is deteriorating daily and isn't on any treatment .

AIBU to feel hurt about this ?

OP posts:
Original poster
suitablefolk · 29/04/2022 12:35

Inpatient .. so many typos 🙈

OP posts:
MojoMoon · 29/04/2022 12:38

He chose his brother to be next of kin freely and while he was mental cogent?

Original poster
suitablefolk · 29/04/2022 12:39

Yes

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 29/04/2022 12:42

To be honest, I understand wanting a family member over a partner you don’t live with.

It must a worrying time. I hope you get some answers soon.

PurpleDaisies · 29/04/2022 12:44

I wonder if he felt a bit pressured by you to name you as the NoK during that conversation.

Original poster
suitablefolk · 29/04/2022 12:44

Hi details were registered with the hospital since a previous visit and such was his state in admission he may have thought he couldn't be arsed changing it., which I could understand.
I'm still hurt though.
I feel helpless as it is.
Now I just feel redundant .

OP posts:
Original poster
suitablefolk · 29/04/2022 12:46

He may have felt pressured. Hopefully he didn't but whether he did or not , he chose not to have me as his NOK so now we are all in the dark about diagnosis and treatment.
Is it dramatic to say that he has shown me where I figure in his life?

OP posts:
BlitheRobin · 29/04/2022 12:48

I think it's understandable you're feeling hurt about this.

PurpleDaisies · 29/04/2022 12:51

Is it dramatic to say that he has shown me where I figure in his life?

Yes, and I would be wary of trying to distract yourself from how worried you are about him with anger at him over this NoK thing.

Sunnytwobridges · 29/04/2022 13:07

I would be hurt about this as well. I don't think it should matter if you live with someone or not, if you love them you'd expect to be NOK.

Giveitall · 29/04/2022 13:18

My partner is just out of hospital, ICU life support etc. We don’t live together and because I have hearing issues & struggle with phone calls we decided his daughter would be NoK & cascade info to me.
She wasn’t much good at it, short on details etc but when I visited I asked to see the ICU Consultant and she freely brought me up to date with my partner’s situation without query. She was lovely, likewise all the other staff I spoke to.
Have you tried pinning down a Dr or Consultant face to face & explained your situation? It was successful for me & as a result via a WhatsApp family group I was able to properly update the group after every visit/conversation with professionals.
I wish you well as you face the challenges ahead. Likewise your DP as he faces the possible outcomes and any further treatment.

Maydaysoonenough · 29/04/2022 13:20

Maybe he is minted and doesn't trust you not to add a DNR to his notes?

Original poster
suitablefolk · 29/04/2022 13:20

Regardless of whether it's right or wrong, I do feel really hurt. It has been in my home that I've minded him for the last week pre admission.
Filling out forms, doing his shopping, laundry , dropping and collecting
Him from dr and then daily visits considering Im up the walls in my own life.
I did all of this because I love him and wanted to help him but I feel let down and in the dark now.
It won't be his brother who'll be providing after hospital
Care for him. It will be me.
Does it Smack of me not being as important in his life as I thought or
AIBU.... he was weak and sick in admission and kept his previous details the same for an easy life?

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 29/04/2022 13:22

Is it dramatic to say that he has shown me where I figure in his life?

Yes, because as you’ve just admitted he’s in a bad way and the NOK details were already registered so it’s hardly deliberate, just unfortunate.

Next time you visit, remind him it’s impossible to get updates if you’re not NOK and revisit the conversation right there in hospital where you can support him through doing the admin if he wants to. But only if he genuinely wants to.

He needs your support not your hurt feelings. Don’t take your worry out on him.

NoSquirrels · 29/04/2022 13:24

Does it Smack of me not being as important in his life as I thought or
AIBU.... he was weak and sick in admission and kept his previous details the same for an easy life?

Why do you think he doesn’t care about you and you’re not important? Why aren’t you inclined to give him the charitable explanation, the benefit of the doubt?

Is it because it’s shining a light in other aspects of your relationship?

user1471457751 · 29/04/2022 13:30

Are you sure he didn't fill out the forms and the hospital just hasn't processed it?

Either way, you sound v dramatic and I hope this is just a way to distract yourself from what is going on, otherwise you don't sound v considerate

Aprilx · 29/04/2022 13:31

I know people often prefer to say partner than boyfriend, but I think not living together means life is not shared yet and I personally don’t think the word fits. So yes, I can understand him having a brother as NOK versus a partner that he is not living with. In any case, I would not expect medical matters to be discussed with a NOK unless the situation was extremely serious and the patient could not speak for themselves.

A one hour round trip doesn’t sound that bad, but then I have a one hour round trip to Tesco, but if it is getting too much then you need to have some days off.

Justcallmebebes · 29/04/2022 13:41

Even if you are not next of kin, he can give the hospital authority to talk to you and discuss treatment etc with you. As long as he gives authority, you don't have to be next of kin

BlitheRobin · 29/04/2022 13:46

OP doesn't sound like she's let her partner know her feelings on this matter, which is as it should be.

Perhaps when he's home and well enough, gently query that you didn't seem to be listed as NOK. It may be an oversight by the hospital, as a pp suggested, or some other trivial reason.

Toddlerteaplease · 29/04/2022 13:54

As a medical professional surely you know that the NOK stuff is actually pretty meaningless. It give you no rights to anything if he is competent.

Original poster
suitablefolk · 29/04/2022 13:59

He has absolutely no idea what the teams are talking about. He doesn't know any terminology and the staff get annoyed when I ask them to
Please speak to him as a lay man and not a medical professional . Some
Things never change!
At least I would have an idea of what's going on and could inform
Or support him.
He thinks he might just go home today as nothing is happening!

OP posts:
10HailMarys · 29/04/2022 14:22

You mention they had his details from a previous hospital visit, so it was probably just an oversight. He's clearly very unwell, so I doubt the form-filling was his main concern.

If my partner was seriously ill in hospital, I don't think my first worry would be how hurt I was feeling over some admin. I completely understand why its frustrating and why you're worried about him not understanding his treatment. But honestly, I don't think your feelings are the most important thing here.

whitewashing · 29/04/2022 14:52

Not one medical professional has given him any indication as to what the problem is? Are you saying they are refusing to speak to him in order for him to understand his condition? The nurses, doctors etc are not explains anything to him in a way he can understand? As an ex-nurse of 40 years standing, I really don’t believe that? He asks questions and they reply only in medical terminology?

Seenoevil1 · 29/04/2022 16:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Seenoevil1 · 29/04/2022 16:34

Very sorry
Did not mean to hijack your post- it was accidental.
I will ask for it to be removed
About your situation- yes I can see it would feel very hurtful. Hope you can sort it out if it is affecting getting updates from staff- otherwise I would try to put aside for now. Take care

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