To think ‘no’ and ‘not really’ are not the same bloody answer?

[Merryoldgoat]

I’ve just had a conversation with a Health Visitor and ‘not really’ was the stock answer she had to my questions and it’s pissed me off.

My son has ASD and they’ve offered nothing, they get things wrong all the time.

I had to go to A&E with him on Monday as he had croup.

this was a follow up to that with absolutely zero purpose as far as I understand.

I think I’m just pissed off because they offer no help when you need it and when they can’t do anything they call.

In your scenario then I can see why she said not really.

She can say no concerns were raised by the doctor but she shouldn’t really reply that there are no concerns at all as surely that’s the entire point of her following up.

Obviously you’ve not put the full conversation down but from the section you did put then I’d say she could have definitely reworded things but without the full conversation for context it’s hard to say for definite.

She did her job and you and your DC are both ok so I wouldn’t worry too much about it.

@Testina it does matter because he was listed as ‘Amber’ as he was supposedly admitted.

Anyway - this is getting off track.

it’s the stupid ‘not really’ to questions that need a ‘yes/no’ answer that pissed me off.

Thanks @Onwards22

She doesn't sound the best communicator.

Saying at the start of the call that it was a courtesy follow up call to see if you had any concerns might have been better.

Having to drag information out of her to ascertain if any follow up was needed would have driven me mad too.

I also think 5 times in A&E in a couple of years is something that should be followed up so although she can’t see anything physically concerning the actual visits could be cause for concern which is why she didn’t want to say a definite no.

You do understand safeguarding, right?

Any A&E admission (and yes, it is an admission) will trigger a phone call. The health visitor doesn't get a medical history and is checking your child is safe.

The conversation is not pointless to the health visitor, even though it may seem it to you.

@Onwards22

totally - but she couldn’t offer help!

if she said ‘we have a clinic for children with recurring croup’ or ‘I wonder if you’d like to try <insert actual advice>‘ but all she could do is refer me to the doctor!

im just grouchy and tired.

@Hallyup89

how does that phonecall check my child is safe?

and yes I do. I work in a school and have extensive safeguarding training.

that call would have zero effect.

peopke on MN use safeguarding to explain some of the most ridiculous stuff.

Depends how you respond. Tone of voice, answers to questions etc.

5 hospital admissions in less than three years is a fairly major safeguarding concern. You've acted snotty with her. I wouldn't be surprised if your child is more closely monitored now.

@Hallyup89

and no, it’s an attendance. Admissions are when you are admitted to the ward from A&E, attendances are treatment in department.

you can patronise me if you want but don’t tell me I’m wrong if I’m not.

I don’t think it’s fair to say she couldn’t offer help. Each person she calls, she has no idea unto she speaks to them what help - if any - they’re going to need.

You sound like the kind of mother who would have already found the recurrent croup group yourself!

What if you were the mother who burst into tears on the phone, finally someone has reached out and has 5 minutes to listen to you saying how much the croup scares you?

Just because you didn’t need help with it, doesn’t mean there’s no help she can offer anyone.

I do understand your frustration with wanting precise language, but you’re being too black and white about the usefulness of the call in general I think, just because it wasn’t helpful for you.

Fine, believe what you like.

I cannot be bothered to argue with someone who knows better than me.

@Hallyup89 😘

I tell the hospital we don’t engage with HV service (because they’re about as useful as a chocolate teapot!!) and they just put N/A or none in the relevant box on their paperwork

It sounds like she was offering a handhold, a person you can just talk about how horrible its been. Some people need that. A reassurance. A shoulder to lean on in times of great stress. Its her job to follow up.

The way you described the call you sound very aggressive and argumentative. Thats a red flag to any child care worker.

Op, hope your DS is ok.

Getting to the point of your Op, my husband does that instead of saying no and it drives me crazy! I now refuse to answer / action until he says 'no' rather than not really & repeatedly say that they're 2 different answers meaning different things! He's much better now at saying no, rather than not really (although it's taken over 20 years!)

In a medical context it would absolutely infuriate me!

@Pixiedust1234

I’m pretty involved with the hospital, SALT, OP, his nursery, the panel and EP currently working on his EHCP.

No one else has had concerns about me, neither did the hospital.

so if an HV who’s never met me and seen me with my son wants to refer me or raise concerns she can crack on.

@JacquelineCarlyle

thank you. I’m glad you understood what I was posting about.

I feel like this went off track but it’s ok because I’ll probably be watched carefully for being aggressive and argumentative now.

There is nothing agressive or argumentative about correcting an error. An admission is different to an attendance as the OP rightly says. It’s important.

YANBU @Merryoldgoat , not really isn’t an answer!

Thank you @TheOriginalEmu

My kids do a similar thing where I ask a question like ‘would you like a lift?’ and they will answer ‘sure’ as if THEY are doing ME the favour accepting my offer. It drives me nuts. ‘Yes, please’ or ‘no, thank you’ or even ‘yeah if you don’t mind’ is fine… but ‘sure’ does my head in!!

@TheOriginalEmu oh god - ‘sure’ is my older boy’s go to and my DH and I hate it for the exact same reasons. 🤣

@Merryoldgoat I’m so glad I’m not the only one!! They all act like I’m mental but it really bugs me 😂😂
I’d genuinely prefer they said ‘no fuck off’ 😂😂

The point of the call was irrelevant. The lack of communication skills from the caller is worrying. Her language implied there were issues or concerns but she wouldn't share what they were.

Answering "Not really" to the question "were there any concerns raised" suggests that there were concerns but they were not serious concerns.

I would find that phone call infuriating and unhelpful. Not really is not the same as no. I like people to be clear and precise at all times but it's even more important when talking about something as serious as your child's health.

My husband uses not really to mean no. I hate it and find it very confusing. If I ask a question like, "were there any problems at work this evening?" and he answers with, "not really", then that means that something happened but was probably minor and not great but not necessarily a problem. It doesn't mean that there were no problems and everything ran smoothly, which is what he'll mean. I just don't get it. It's actually quicker and easier to say no so why do it??

I don't know why some previous posters are acting as though you are pedantic. If a health visitor called me and answered "not really" when I asked whether the hospital were concerned, I'd be really worried and wonder what nobody was telling me!