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Original poster

What to say if someone mentions a child loss?

42 replies

pastatriangles · 28/04/2022 20:40

Hi, just wondering what might be the right thing. Other day I was talking with acquaintances and one replied to "how many children do you have" with "three living."

In others' experience is it preferred to acknowledge the loss or not? I didn't but wasn't sure if that was the best thing? I came away wishing I had said sorry for your loss, but maybe that's not right.

OP posts:
WeAllHaveWings · 28/04/2022 20:43

I would have replied with something like "what age are they?", or"what year are they in school?" and left it to them what they wished to disclose further.

TheVolturi · 28/04/2022 20:43

I have a friend who had a stillborn baby. She says she wants people to mention her and talk about her. She's still part of her life.

Hospedia · 28/04/2022 20:44

A generic "I'm sorry to hear that" or something along those lines usually covers most bases, depending on how well you know the person.

JenniferBarkley · 28/04/2022 20:44

It will never be the wrong thing to acknowledge and sympathise with someone's bereavement, especially if they mention it to you. I would (and have) respond with "I'm so sorry to hear that" and let them steer the conversation from there.

searchingforsomethiing · 28/04/2022 20:45

In that instance I probably wouldn’t ask anything else: I think “three living” is a way for them to acknowledge their child who is very much theirs and is a part of their lives Despite others perhaps not having any knowledge of it.

Original poster
pastatriangles · 28/04/2022 20:49

@searchingforsomethiing thanks, that's what I felt at the time, that she did it to acknowledge her child but might not have wanted the conversation steered onto it

OP posts:
BiscuitLover3678 · 28/04/2022 20:50

WeAllHaveWings · 28/04/2022 20:43

I would have replied with something like "what age are they?", or"what year are they in school?" and left it to them what they wished to disclose further.

So completely ignoring it! Really don’t do that.

Yika · 28/04/2022 20:52

Acknowledge it. They specifically mentioned it so they are inviting a reaction. It's painful when people gloss over a loss. I think your afterthought 'sorry for your loss' would have been a good and simple way to react, or the 'sorry to hear that' mentioned by PP. Can be hard to know what to say though when you are taken aback in the moment like that.

searchingforsomethiing · 28/04/2022 20:55

@pastatriangles the way they’ve worded it would mean any further questions about the child who is no longer here would seem….clumsy? I can’t think how I’d phrase any questions relating to their loss based on that response

Hugasauras · 28/04/2022 20:55

It's difficult though because 'I'm sorry to hear that' when they say they have three living children doesn't really work either. You aren't sorry they have three living kids, you're sorry about the loss(es) that are implied but also don't want to not celebrate/acknowledge the three living children they have.

So maybe something like 'I'm sorry to hear you've had a loss. What ages are your living children?'

searchingforsomethiing · 28/04/2022 20:56

But i also agree a “sorry for your loss is appropriate” but would be the end of it for me unless there was more in the conversation that prompted a discussion about it

Oinkypig · 28/04/2022 21:16

I don’t think I’m sorry for your loss is right either, maybe they have lost more than one child? I don’t think there is an easy or right thing to say. Maybe what are your children called?

JenniferBarkley · 28/04/2022 21:20

Hugasauras · 28/04/2022 20:55

It's difficult though because 'I'm sorry to hear that' when they say they have three living children doesn't really work either. You aren't sorry they have three living kids, you're sorry about the loss(es) that are implied but also don't want to not celebrate/acknowledge the three living children they have.

So maybe something like 'I'm sorry to hear you've had a loss. What ages are your living children?'

Yup. If someone tells you they have three living children and you say "I'm so sorry to hear that", you're clearly talking about their living children and not their losses Hmm .

If someone mentions that they have lost a child or children, they are acknowledging them. To ignore that is cold, I can't believe people would just blithely carry on to talk about the living children and ignore their loss. Express sympathy and then the person in question can choose which way to steer the conversation from there - either to talk about their loss, or what their living children are up to.

Workyticket · 28/04/2022 21:33

Op I've struggled in very similar circumstances lately.

I just said "I'm so sorry to hear you've suffered a loss, I'd love to hear about all of your children. We'll have to grab a coffee and I'll tell you about my tornado too" or something like that

I'm shit, utterly shit at dealing with things like this and I'm really trying as I get older to get better at it but it's so difficult knowing what to say and sometimes what not to say

Death is a badly dealt with thing particularly in the UK I think. I need to think more about this and make more effort in future

DiscoBadgers · 28/04/2022 21:35

Always acknowledge. You can always then ask them if they’d like to talk about it, so it’s for them to choose what they do or don’t want to say?

DivorcedAndDelighted · 28/04/2022 21:35

"Three living children" is almost a challenge - "Don't forget my other child; they existed." I sometimes used phrases like that to acknowledge the babies I conceived who didn't get to stay. I'd respond with a clear acknowledgement of the losses. If the parent did not want you to acknowledge their lost children, or didn't want to talk about it, they'd just have said they had three.
I'd say something like "Ah, you've lost a child, I'm sorry. How old are the ones who are with you?"

Snowdropbulbs · 28/04/2022 21:36

I just said "I'm so sorry to hear you've suffered a loss, I'd love to hear about all of your children

This is perfect

DivorcedAndDelighted · 28/04/2022 21:38

I just said "I'm so sorry to hear you've suffered a loss, I'd love to hear about all of your children. We'll have to grab a coffee and I'll tell you about my tornado too" or something like that

That sounds like a lovely response @Workyticket 😊

LilacIris · 28/04/2022 21:42

My baby died neonatally. I would imagine your friend was telling you they had had a late miscarriage/TFMR/stillbirth or neonatal death and hoped you would acknowledge that because going through what they have has fundamentally changed them.

Saying I’m sorry for you loss is better than not saying anything. They know full well the way they have phrased it says they have had a child or children die and are asking you to understand that.

Ultimately in my experience most people who hear of other parents having a child die feel awkward about it and want to gloss over it, which is the opposite to what the grieving parent wants. The grieving parent will remember those who acknowledged their dead child is a far nicer way than those who didn’t say anything or think talking about it is clumsy. If you don’t want to say sorry for your loss because you think it’s not appropriate just answer it straight on and say “I assume that means one of your children died. If so, I’m really sorry to hear that. What was their name?”

Many of you are very lucky to be in a situation that means you are completely incapable of seeing it from the grieving parent’s point of view.

Workyticket · 28/04/2022 21:43

DivorcedAndDelighted · 28/04/2022 21:38

I just said "I'm so sorry to hear you've suffered a loss, I'd love to hear about all of your children. We'll have to grab a coffee and I'll tell you about my tornado too" or something like that

That sounds like a lovely response @Workyticket 😊

Thank you. I'm usually one to hide at funerals and shy away from difficult topics but I've sat with a couple of relatives as they passed in the last couple of years and it seems to have removed the taboo of death a little for me

Turns out that the little boy she lost has a very similar name to my ds (think Toby and Tony amounts of similar) and we had a nice chat about them and her living children.

UndertheCedartree · 28/04/2022 21:44

I think any well meaning response, gently acknowledging the DC no longer with them.

As an aside I always struggled with people talking about me 'losing' a baby. I didn't lose them somewhere, they died. One family member said 'I'm so sorry your baby died' and that meant everything to me. Having said that I still very much appreciated the sentiment when people said 'sorry for your loss'. I don't know if anyone else feels that way or if it is because I'm autistic.

Rrrunrunrunrunrun · 28/04/2022 21:45

@Workyticket has a lovely suggestion. I don’t often mention my late daughter, unless I feel really comfortable with someone new, mainly to avoid awkwardness and them not knowing what to say.

Yes acknowledge it if someone is brave enough to say it.

Things to say ‘I’m so sorry that happened, I would love to hear more about him/ her if you want to talk’. Do not say ‘that is my worst nightmare’.

80sMum · 28/04/2022 21:45

I think I have would have acknowledged it, because by referring to the non-living child/children the mother had given a clear indication that she wants it to be known and acknowledged that her living children are not the only children she has given birth to.

Everyone's different. Some parents may not want to talk about the child who died. So it's best always to take your cue from them.

Fridafever · 28/04/2022 21:45

Recently I had some work done to the house and the guy that did it told me very much in passing that he used to have two kids but one died in an accident at school. I just said “oh I’m so sorry” which felt very inadequate.

LilacIris · 28/04/2022 21:49

@UndertheCedartree Like you, I used to feel very strongly about it when people said loss to me but these days I just appreciate the fact they are talking about it and acknowledge what happened. I refer to my baby as dying as well for the same reasons you have said and have found many other parents in the same situation do as well, but the word loss is no longer something that irritates me when it refers to a baby dying.