What to say if someone mentions a child loss?

[pastatriangles]

Hi, just wondering what might be the right thing. Other day I was talking with acquaintances and one replied to "how many children do you have" with "three living."

In others' experience is it preferred to acknowledge the loss or not? I didn't but wasn't sure if that was the best thing? I came away wishing I had said sorry for your loss, but maybe that's not right.

If people don't want to talk about something they won't bring it up. I would always think acknowledging someone's loss is the right thing to do.

@Fridafever It wasn’t inadequate. You heard what he said and acknowledged it. He knows that nothing you can say will make any difference or making things feel better but by telling you about both children they were both included and acknowledged in the conversation. What would have been inadequate would have been to have stumbled over not answering and changed the subject.

Two of my friends lost babies during labour. One sadly never experienced motherhood and pregnancy again and the other had a second pregnancy and a baby girl. On the birthdays of their babies, Mothers day and other ''important dates'' I always send them a little note or a card. I have asked whether this is ok and they both actually stated that they prefer their children being acknowledged and named as they are a huge part of their family. If a ''random'' person tells me about the loss of their child I ask them their name and see whether they want to talk about it. If not, I won't ask further. I hope this is the best approach as I would never want to cause upset in that regard.

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Generally I avoid commenting beyond my three living children. If it's someone I feel I can trust I might say something to refer to loss, I must admit I'd never be this clear though. I'm very wary of putting a lot onto someone else emotionally.
If someone said three living I'd assume it was a reasonably clear invitation to have a conversation about their loss. But my aunt who lost a teenager has recently started talking a lot more about missing her son that she used to, because she had been bottling things up. Maybe this person is trying to do something similar? Express themselves, articulate that they are struggling?

If they bring it up then absolutely you should acknowledge it. People get so awkward about child and baby loss, as if acknowledging it will remind the parent and make them sad. In reality they are already sad and it’s probably all they think about. Ignoring it just adds to the sense of isolation.

If they bring it up, acknowledge it. What the pp above said is perfect.

I would love to talk about my little ones who went on ahead. Someone asked me how many children I have in front of my DM the other day. Before I could open my mouth she blurted "ONLY ONE!" and I wanted to say "no, I have three" but she completely silenced me, and the memory of them, and it really stung.

You need to ask the individual. I have two friends who have had losses… one gets quite upset that no one mentions her son as she still feels like she is a mother of four not three. Then I have another who really really does not want to talk about it and wants to keep her loss close to her heart.

i would ask something like would you like to talk about it? But maybe in a less clinical way that I am too tired to think up right now!

You can't generalise about these things. One of my colleagues lost a daughter 30+ years ago, and I felt quite privileged that she told me about her, and how her other surviving daughter remembered her. We were both almost in tears , but it was rather lovely to hear about her daughter..

You cant generalise. If someone asks me, then i feel obliged to acknowledge my lost child because I would feel that I dont want to ignore him. But I certainly dont want to talk about him.

If they said 3 living children in a group scenario, I'd say they are feeling safe enough in the group to disclose it and are testing the waters. They may also not know how to talk about it yet.
A pp said something lovely like- I would love to hear about all your children. That's such a kind heartfelt response

I lost my son, its really difficult for me to talk about still, but I always acknowledge him. I will always say 4 children but my son passed away. I'm sorry to hear that is usually the response I get and it's definitely preferred. It shuts don't the conversation about him, but I've also acknowledged him if that makes sense. I can't talk about him without breaking down.

I couldn't agree with you more!!!

I had that said to me. Conversation went like this.
Bitch face. 'How many children do you have'

Me. ' 4children, although my son passed away.

Bitch face. 'Oh my god! That would be my worst nightmare' and she had this bloody grin plastered on her face.

I was so close to swatting her with my brolly.

This is so hard for bereaved parents and it's lovely to see this conversation. When asked about my children I don't want to deny the one that died at three days, or the one that died at eighteen.

When asked about my children I hate to not acknowledge the dead ones as well but I also hate the downer it can bring when someone innocently asks. Saying one adult child now living is a shortcut way of saying that and any respectful acknowledgement of my grief is welcome.

However, I don't want to switch the focus of the moment onto what's happened to my family in the past. If we get to know each other better in the future, these are the stories to share.

So any of these suggestions are fine. I used to be irked by people talking about my loss. Like a PP I feel strongly that a loss is putting something down and forgetting where it is. I wouldn't do that to my children. Now I understand it's a phrase some people use without meaning anything in particular except to express sympathy.

Love to other bereaved parents and those who care about us.

Oh yes. I relate to wanting to swat with a brolly.

Other inappropriate responses to avoid:

God only sends us what we can bear

He's in a better place now

They've got their wings now

If you had prayed harder and believed in God your child would have got better

First babies often don't survive. Usually they die in utero if they're going to die.

Be grateful for the child(ren) you have now.

These things happen for a purpose.

Crossing the road to avoid a bereaved person really does happen. Don't think we don't notice

Exactly this

@StyxBankDweller

It wasn't until my son died, that I realise just how cruel and selfish could be.

I would never ever say to anyone 'he's in a better place' or words to those effect, but all the ones on your list I've had said to me except one.

When I was told he was in a better place, it destroyed me, I fell to my knees screaming what place could be better than with me. It was truly awful.