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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I am just going to have to put up with this

45 replies

Wearegoingtoneedabiggerboat · 28/04/2022 13:24

My mum is early 70’s and in good health. She lives two hours round trip away so I go to see her one day at the weekend with DC’s. I work Fulltime so Saturday is catching up in house and Sunday going to see mum.
she split up with my dad a long time ago but still is besotted with him, they remain friends. She has one good friend who she has known since she was in first school. It would be fair to say she is a very difficult person to get on with and has got worse over the years. She has health anxieties so is constantly ringing myself and her friend and going to the G. P’s with whatever she thinks she has that week.
she has fallen out with so many people including most of her neighbours. The latest is the falling out she had with the lady next door. They had a disagreement about a TV show. The lady has since tried to put out an olive branch but my mum has refused to speak to her. My mum is now going round the village telling everyone about the lady. I have told her not to but she says she wants everyone to know what a nasty person her neighbour is.
I dread going and visiting her because she is either talking about her past life with my dad, her imagined illnesses, or bad mouthing everybody. ( this includes her best friend who has stood by her when others have walked away) It’s really draining. I have tried to suggest things she can do to make her life better but she is not interested.
DP has suggested that I just go to visit her every two weeks as when I get home I am often in a bad mood. I feel I can’t do this as myself and the D.C’s are all she has. I have told her to be more positive but she says that I am bullying her and being awful to her.
has anyone else been in a similar position and has felt an obligation to visit parents even when they haven’t wanted to. Or any coping strategies when I visit.

OP posts:
Daenerys77 · 28/04/2022 14:01

You are not obliged to visit your mother every week, or indeed at all. Does she enjoy your visits or find them helpful? Do your children enjoy going to see her every week? When do you get to spend time with your children/your partner/your own friends?

nearlyspringyay · 28/04/2022 14:03

It's a fine line. Every Sunday was granny duty for me as a kid, EVERYONE hated it, would have been less stressful to cut it back Namur there is the sense of duty. Difficult op.

palmplantcirca1980s · 28/04/2022 14:04

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Aimee1987 · 28/04/2022 14:07

It sounds like she has depression. Has she ever talked to the gp about her mental health.

Also your not obliged if you dont want to go

NarcissasMumintheDoghouse · 28/04/2022 14:08

If you found out that she was going round the village telling everyone that you are bullying her and being horrible to her, how would you feel? Because I bet she is. I would cut the set visits down and try to find different ways to be in her life. Every weekend, when you work full time and have children, is a large commitment.

Original poster
Wearegoingtoneedabiggerboat · 28/04/2022 14:20

Her GP has advised CBT but she says it’s not for her and she won’t take anti depressants as she has heard they can increase your suicide risk. She listens to people she meets in the village rather than health professionals.
she thought she had asbestosis last month this is despite the fact she has never worked ( in her life) with asbestos.

OP posts:
Wimbunds · 28/04/2022 14:24

You and your DCs are the only ones she has because she has isolated herself from everyone else. Don't put yourself through the misery of going every single week. You are allowed to have boundaries and a life of your own as are your DCs. Tell her fortnightly or whatever works better for you and ignore her complaints.

Wimbunds · 28/04/2022 14:28

I'm going on now! I'd also try to accept that this is who she is and she's not going to change. By all means put your viewpoint across, but don't be surprised if everything stays the same. But you can change how you react to her and how you feel about her. Have a read about grey rock, FOG etc and see if anything resonates.

billy1966 · 28/04/2022 15:04

I can't believe you or inflicting this on your children every week.

Whatever about yourself, your poor children.

Your husband is correct, you need to go less frequently.

What about your childrens lives? Sports, hobbies, parties?

Every Saturday? Poor kids.

You need to start putting your family first.

Comedycook · 28/04/2022 15:07

I'd get one of your DC into football.. you will be too busy taking them to training and matches to visit every weekend

TheThreadisMildlyAmusing · 28/04/2022 15:15

I agree with your DP. Once every two weeks with a phone call in between is plenty, you have your own family now and should be doing stuff on the weekends with them. And I say that as someone who loved their Mum and had a really good and close relationship with her, but she understood that I had my own life and was happy that I did.

newfriend05 · 28/04/2022 15:19

She sounds like my mum ,you need to talk care of yourself too .. go visit eow and phone or FaceTime her the other Sunday..

Original poster
Wearegoingtoneedabiggerboat · 28/04/2022 15:24

Sorry should have said my DC’s are late teens, one does a sport which means we miss the odd Sundays. We are away this weekend for their sport, mum has said to them what about poor grand ma she will have no one this week.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wearegoingtoneedabiggerboat · 28/04/2022 15:25

newfriend05 · 28/04/2022 15:19

She sounds like my mum ,you need to talk care of yourself too .. go visit eow and phone or FaceTime her the other Sunday..

How often do you see your mum.

OP posts:
SockFluffInTheBath · 28/04/2022 15:30

Wearegoingtoneedabiggerboat · 28/04/2022 15:24

Sorry should have said my DC’s are late teens, one does a sport which means we miss the odd Sundays. We are away this weekend for their sport, mum has said to them what about poor grand ma she will have no one this week.

And whose fault is that? If she wasn’t so grim she’d have friends. Emotionally blackmailing/manipulating the DC is out of order and I’d be inclined to step in at that point.

My dad was similar, long time dead, and my mum is similar. I’m low contact with her, and while it was hard at first, we all noticed how the black weighty cloud naffed off.

FictionalCharacter · 28/04/2022 15:32

Cut down contact very drastically or she’ll make you very unhappy. Stop taking the kids unless they really want to come. She’ll probably get worse and worse. You can’t make her happy so protect yourself and your family from her negativity.

FictionalCharacter · 28/04/2022 15:34

@SockFluffInTheBath Black weighty cloud is a good description. I still remember the feeling of joy, relief, lightness and being able to breathe that I felt every time I drove away from her house. They drain your energy like vampires.

LookItsMeAgain · 28/04/2022 15:46

FictionalCharacter · 28/04/2022 15:32

Cut down contact very drastically or she’ll make you very unhappy. Stop taking the kids unless they really want to come. She’ll probably get worse and worse. You can’t make her happy so protect yourself and your family from her negativity.

100% this 👆

Also the post that @SockFluffInTheBath wrote. Who's fault is it if she is by herself? You mother only has to look in a mirror for the answer to that one! She is alienating everyone around her.

It reads as though you are neck deep in the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) and you need to break that cycle. You don't want to pass it on to the next generation.

You're fearful that she will be "Oh woe is me, no one comes to visit, I'm all alone" so you feel obliged to visit even though it makes you angry (so your DH says) and then you feel guilty about when you don't visit.

You should feel like you WANT to visit, not that you HAVE to visit.

traintraveller · 28/04/2022 16:15

Your husband is right, you don't need to see her weekly. She's not doing anything to help herself and I'm surprised late teens want to visit their granny every week.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 28/04/2022 16:19

Good god! Stop going. The kids are late teens? I'm shocked they've not refused to come. Seriously. Once a month max. For your sanity.

DeliaOwens · 28/04/2022 16:22

OP. This was me three years ago. Therapy reframed my own warped view of my familial relationships. Here is what I learned:

Toxic guilt is when we experience guilt without having done anything wrong.

People with the martyr complex (my mother) constantly seek ways to portray themselves as the good or best parent and like to remind you and others of all the sacrifices they made, to guilt people even more. They are manipulators extraordinaire and will pull all the emotional strings. They will say things like "I hope you enjoy Bristol at the w/end, I'll just be here as always. "
You need to say to yourself, I've tried to help her, I've suggested meds, CBT etc, she does not want my help and that is outside of my control. You can lead a horse to water etc etc
So, say, "yes, hopefully the weather will be great and Bristol will be super. " don't get suckled into the negative vortex!

Coming on here is good. You get other view points and can rationalise your (perfectly acceptable) opinions.

Remember, you are allowed to have boundaries. I can't make it today, sorry! That is ok to say.

She will act out, she will endeavour to make you feel guilty and change your boundaries, but stay strong! You can learn to tolerate her disapproval. You can't have a healthy relationship when there are unhealthy attachments or negative emotions,

TheCanyon · 28/04/2022 16:26

This sounds like my fil. Except I don't subject myself, my dc or anyone else to his shit behaviour.

Let her crack on and visit far less.

Billandben444 · 28/04/2022 16:29

I'd miss one weekend first of all - warn her in advance that you've got something specific to go to and ignore the woe-is-me comments. Then go for a couple and miss another one, get her used to the break in routine and then make it a regular thing - tell her you've signed up for some class/activity in the opposite direction. Harden your heart.

Original poster
Wearegoingtoneedabiggerboat · 28/04/2022 16:42

It’s hard to understand why she would rather refuse any suggestions to improve her life. My grandparents ( her parents) were lovely, so I can’t understand how she can be so nasty about people.

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 28/04/2022 16:48

Don't try to justify why she is nasty around people.
Just accept that she is and it should make the whole situation easier to deal with.