To think I am just going to have to put up with this

[Wearegoingtoneedabiggerboat]

My mum is early 70’s and in good health. She lives two hours round trip away so I go to see her one day at the weekend with DC’s. I work Fulltime so Saturday is catching up in house and Sunday going to see mum.
she split up with my dad a long time ago but still is besotted with him, they remain friends. She has one good friend who she has known since she was in first school. It would be fair to say she is a very difficult person to get on with and has got worse over the years. She has health anxieties so is constantly ringing myself and her friend and going to the G. P’s with whatever she thinks she has that week.
she has fallen out with so many people including most of her neighbours. The latest is the falling out she had with the lady next door. They had a disagreement about a TV show. The lady has since tried to put out an olive branch but my mum has refused to speak to her. My mum is now going round the village telling everyone about the lady. I have told her not to but she says she wants everyone to know what a nasty person her neighbour is.
I dread going and visiting her because she is either talking about her past life with my dad, her imagined illnesses, or bad mouthing everybody. ( this includes her best friend who has stood by her when others have walked away) It’s really draining. I have tried to suggest things she can do to make her life better but she is not interested.
DP has suggested that I just go to visit her every two weeks as when I get home I am often in a bad mood. I feel I can’t do this as myself and the D.C’s are all she has. I have told her to be more positive but she says that I am bullying her and being awful to her.
has anyone else been in a similar position and has felt an obligation to visit parents even when they haven’t wanted to. Or any coping strategies when I visit.

Don't bother trying to make suggestions to improve her life, just accept this is who she is and adjust your visits according to what gives you the best balance. She has isolated herself whether she means to behave that way or not. If she's early 70s and in good health, why not go a bit nuclear and say that you'll visit once a month but she is welcome to travel to you to make it up to fortnightly? She sounds a drain.

I am really surprised your kids are teenagers and happy to give up half their weekends to go and go and see grandma - that's bonkers. What happens if they want to stay over at a friends or go out shopping or to a football match or something - are they guilt-tripped into visiting grandma anyway?

Honestly - just stop.

I saw my grandparents for a couple of weeks every two years.

Go once a month. Call her once a week on the other weeks.

It doesn't sound like your visits are making her happy, and you aren't obliged to sacrafice yourself to fulfil her needs anyway.

My mum lives 20 minutes drive away.
She and my Dad are lovely. I get on with them really well and love spending time with them.

I do not see them every week.
Why? because I have a full life of work, family and friends and they have a full life of friends and activities.

I am always available if they need me, so some weeks, I mihgt see them 3 times. Then I might not see them for 3 weeks.

The dynamic you are in is painful becuase your mother is being a matyr.

Oh poor me.
Well she chooses to be liek that and that is the response you get.
I am amazed that your teens put up with it. Mine don't come every time I see my mum and would kick off massively if I suggested they spend every Sunday with their grandparents.

Go once a month. Take kids every 2nd time.
Phone every Sunday.

You aren’t obliged to visit and it’s her own fault she’s in that position.
Certainly don’t be teaching your teenagers to be emotionally blackmailed, you need to stop her from doing that.

telling her to be more positive is useless though, as is telling her how to live her life

but you can say mum I don’t want to hear about the neighbours / negative thing
and change the subject. You can even explain more and say mum I feel like it’s draining to focus on the negative and I don’t like it, let’s talk about something nicer
but you don’t have to sit there every weekend and then go home in a bad mood

I LOVE spending time with my mum, my child love spending time with her, we all get on and have an amazing time. Seriously couldn’t ask for a better relationship for all involved.

AND WE ONLY SEE HER ABOUT TWICE A MONTH!!!!

We’re about the same distance away as you and we all know it would be too much. And it’s not a set every other Sunday thing either, it’s when there’s a reason and it fits in with our schedules. Because if you make it a duty thing even the best relationships can become tedious or doing it for the sake of it!

So I 100% think you should cut down regardless of what your mum is like.

Both our sets of parents live a three hour round trip away. We see them about once a month. I’d cut it down and either make excuses or tell her the truth - whichever you think is best.
I couldn’t stand it if my kids’ grandparents behaved like this. Hats off to you for coping this long!

I was your child. Sunday lunch and afternoon with the grandmother who frankly hated us. But dad said we HAD to go. One week she said something nasty to me and I went to my dad and said either he took us home now or I woukd catch the bus. I was 15/16 at the time. He agreed as I walked out of the door. I hardly ever saw her after that - sorry exams to study for, x to go to etc. She died a sad and lonely woman - and I have never really forgiven my dad for forcing us to go.

Once a quarter year visit would be more than enough for me. Poor kids. At least leave them home with their Dad if you must martyr yourself like this.

She won’t see anyone and it’s of her own making.

She’s a person that has alienated everyone and does nothing to help herself.

there are many things she could no doubt do or access for company and to keep busy bit if you go every week and pander to her she can keep on being a mean and bitter woman.

id go every two weeks maximum and tell her she’ll have to find more activités to fulfill
her needs.

she’s perfectly capable if push comes to shove.

Early 70s and in good health?? Why on earth is it you (working full time with a busy household) travelling to see her?

I love my dm to bits and only see her about once a month. We work ft and are busy, but so is she.

I would never force the kids to visit either. My ds didn’t come with dd and I last time. He had things to do and that’s fair enough. I want them to want to visit and that’s far more likely if it’s always a choice.

I see mine max twice a year. I can’t understand why you give up pretty much every Sunday? I have far too much on to give up every Sunday. Pull back a little.

They are late teens and you inflict this on them every sunday, this awful woman?

Missing a sport for this?

Unbelievable.

I'd mix it up a bit so that you actually enjoy the visits. Why not go on your own, or just take DH, but go for a pub meal / walk / visit a market / beauty spot / garden centre / go shopping / or something instead of going to her house?

Meet halfway if she is able to travel.

Start going every other week. I would hate having to go every Sunday when working full time. I really need the time to catch up on myself before the new week starts.

If she moans about the kids being absent just say they can't come, they've got sport. / exams. / a party. That's totally normal for kids to drop out of visiting with their parents as they get their own activities that they don't need you for.

You don't have to see her at all. But if you feel you should then fix a target for yourself such as seeing her twice a month, or less. You could phone her every Sunday instead. You are not responsible for her entertainment and she will look for something to do on Sundays if you're not there every week.

She sounds like catherine tate's nan sketch.

Wearegoingtoneedabiggerboat
You said its hard for you to understand why she wont listen to your suggestions that wd improve her life.
My answer to that is that maybe she sees this as a threat. In that she actually does not want to.improve hee life
That she percieves her ' difficult" life as something that gets atrention and is therfore.rewarded by it and so.wants to keep her life this way. If she fixed it .. wd she be happy..? Id guess no.. id guess she wd find something else to complain about.
I have a relative who says she is billy no mates if people dont visit her. She even gave me half a set of curtians so that i had to.return for the other one( i didnt) . What i realised and what liberated me is that some people like this just want their needs met and they dont care who meets them so long as they get the attentiom they crave. Id be intrested to see if yr dm is like this in anyway. Once i realised it didnt matter who met my relatives needs i felt off the hook.all.she.wanted was attention . Once i didnt give it i was replaced straight away. Light bulb realisation ! I dont know if your mum is like this( and sorrry if ivw got it wrong) but if she is i hope it helps.
Also she shd not try to.make you feel.guilt.for not.going .. shè shd be pleased for you that you have good stuff to.do.

The fact that she has alienated people is a bit of a red flag too .

This! I too have a parent who is frankly horrible I’m nc but it really annoys me that other family members explain or justyhis bad behaviour . No excuse of it if your willing to accept it then do so but don’t justify it . Oh and stop going every week you don’t have to nor do your dc .

Thank you for all your suggestions. It has made my head clearer. I’ve spent ages trying to analyse why she is like the way she is but like people have said that is her, she’s not going to change. I just feel really sad for her that she wants to live like she does, what a waste especially as she is fit and healthy and could do so much more.

I think every other week is more reasonable so l agree with your OH. You can’t pour from an empty cup and your weeks sound busy