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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think I may be in a toxic relationship? ☹️

27 replies

Usernamesonly · 28/04/2022 11:29

For context, me and my DH have been together for almost 9 years and have 1 DC. Within those 9 years we have spent almost every day together (amongst my other friends DH is one of my best, we talk about everything).

One of my friends organised a girls holiday away for her hen do (think party place abroad). I was really unsure at first to leave DH and DC for 5 days but decided a girls holiday was really something I wanted to do so decided to go.

When I was there I had CONSTANT messages from DH which was fine, as I wanted to speak to both him and DC every day. But it just felt a little overwhelming at times and like I couldn't fully relax. My girl friends also thought it was a little OTT.

I came home yesterday and DH was constantly asking if I basically cheated (no history, not a holiday like that, no reason to give for him to think that). I thought this was really strange as I've never know him to be insecure before. He woke me up at 1AM last night to ask again, 1 AM!! Again I said NO and expressed my frustration with the constant asking and little trust in me (despite our smooth sailing relationship). He finished the conversation by saying he doesn't feel comfortable with me going on holiday with the girls again.

I am just flabbergasted this morning and haven't said anything about it yet.

What is evreyones thoughts please?

OP posts:

Triffid1 · 28/04/2022 11:32

mmm, in the previous 9 years, have you been out for dinner/coffee/walks/shopping/theatre/drinks etc with girlfriends alone on a regular basis and if you did/do, how does he usually behave?

OR.... have you basically found yourself only doing things with your DH (or him tagging along to all activities).

This level of insecurity if consistent over a long time can lead to controlling and toxic behaviour which you may not have even been aware of. But if you've been only spending time with him for 9 years then yes, I'd consider that a concern.

If it's new, I have seen a lot of people on MN say that it's often a version of a reverse - he's feeling guilty for something so he's putting it on you. Is that possible at all?

Triffid1 · 28/04/2022 11:33

Oh, and to be clear, no matter what, his behaviour currently is totally unacceptable.e Waking you up to ask i you cheated!?! WTAF?

Notimeforaname · 28/04/2022 11:34

Hes trying to control you. This is a big issue.

PonyPatter44 · 28/04/2022 11:34

That is totally unacceptable and I would be leaving him in absolutely no doubt of my feelings on the subject. Who the fuck does he think he is?

Notimeforaname · 28/04/2022 11:37

Ask him to leave for a few days.

Its not healthy at all. He needs to go away and have a think as much as you need space.. He wants to be around you all of the time.

Waking you up at 1am is fucking mental.

ApolloandDaphne · 28/04/2022 11:37

Have you never had a trip away or a night out with friends in the 9 years you have been with him?

Original poster

Usernamesonly · 28/04/2022 11:39

@Triffid1 Thanks for your response, sorry my OP was so long winded.

Yes, previously I have gone for 1 stay away breaks with the girls for a night out and a dance, meals out etc. Any big events (like festivals) he has always come with me, saying he doesn't want to miss out of the fun (and he does truly enjoy these events).

OP posts:

Original poster

Usernamesonly · 28/04/2022 11:40

@ApolloandDaphne I've had one night breaks away, and a hendo a couple of years ago which was over the weekend (none of which were abroad though). I always feel guilty leaving DC 🙈

OP posts:

NarcissasMumintheDoghouse · 28/04/2022 11:41

Waking you up at 1 in the morning is abusive. He needs to apologise for that, and for accusing you of cheating.

Triffid1 · 28/04/2022 11:42

What about him? Does he go away? Has he been on stag dos? Because now I'm concerned that on stag dos his behaviour has been less than stellar so he's thinking that yours will be too.

Ultimately, accusing you of cheating is not okay. Waking you up at 1am is not okay.

As for "big events" that he has come with you on - I think that depends very much on whether he was genuinely welcome. Or have you traditionally been that woman whose partner tags along to activities that should be a group of girl friends only? When you're out for a night with the girls, is he texting and calling you constantly? Do you feel you have to be home by a certain time?

It's definitely weird that's for sure.

Fairislefandango · 28/04/2022 11:45

You need to tell him very clearly that he is being paranoid and controlling and that you will not tolerate it. He is behaving totally unacceptably, and if he can't see that and stop doing it, he needs to accept that he is risking causing the end of his marriage.

Original poster

Usernamesonly · 28/04/2022 11:46

@Triffid1 He has gone away a small handful of times to stay with friends etc but isn't one for going out for weekends away, stag dos etc. He always says I'm his best friend and he would rather spend that money to do something with me (which I used to think was really sweet but now I'm doubting it all).

OP posts:

Carryonmarion · 28/04/2022 11:54

I have a friend who is in a similar situation to you and I am the baddy friend who asks her to do dangerous things like going for lunch in town with me without him, so I hardly ever see her. I am therefore following with interest as I'm thinking of letting the friendship go. May I ask, does he also post lots of OTT things on social media about your relationship - best friends, couple goals type, everything together stuff? I'm wondering if there is a pattern.

KatherineJaneway · 28/04/2022 11:57

To be honest you sound like you are in an unhealthy relationship with so much time together and very few breaks from each other.

He was well out of order waking you up and asking you that question, asking that question at all really!

PenelopeLively · 28/04/2022 12:00

I think the phrase doth protest too much springs to mind. Any issues with his fidelity in the past?

Regularsizedrudy · 28/04/2022 12:04

This is coercive control

Lollipop858 · 28/04/2022 12:19

It sounds like you’ve had way too much time together and not having lives separate to yours. And now when you try to have space with just your friends he’s become suspicious.. waking you up at 1am to ask again if you’ve cheated is abusive and rude.

Has he always pushed to come to these big events with you? Or have you invited him off your own back?

girlmom21 · 28/04/2022 12:33

I'd ask him if he's projecting!

Aquamarine1029 · 28/04/2022 12:51

The mask has slipped. How he is treating you is abusive and should be a deal breaker.

AryaStarkWolf · 28/04/2022 12:55

Spending that much time in each others pockets is not healthy and sounds suffocating. You two need to do some serious work on trust and making your relationship more healthy

BlimBosh · 28/04/2022 12:57

Always going with you to big days out is controlling. Not having much time to yourself is controlling.
Him saying he'd rather have money to do this with you is controlling.
Waking you up is nasty and rude.

ManateeFair · 28/04/2022 14:15

Usernamesonly · 28/04/2022 11:40

@ApolloandDaphne I've had one night breaks away, and a hendo a couple of years ago which was over the weekend (none of which were abroad though). I always feel guilty leaving DC 🙈

So what was he like when you went away before? Was he weird about that? Or is this totally out of the blue?

It’s absolutely not OK for him to behave like this. If it’s a pattern, I think you know what you need to do. If it’s completely out of character and he’s usually easy-going and non-clingy, then I think you have to ask him what the actual hell he is up to and that his dramatic personality change is scaring you.

Honeyroar · 28/04/2022 14:34

I think you need to sit him down, tell him you’re very upset and angry at him for his behaviour-

Accusing you of cheating

waking you up to accuse you

constantly calling and checking up

telling you you can’t go on more girl’s holidays

Tell him it’s not normal, rational behaviour and he needs to get counselling or something to address it or he will wreck the relationship if he carries on. And tell him he owes you a bloody apology!

billy1966 · 28/04/2022 14:59

Really controlling and unhealthy.

He sounds like a freak and you can absolutely be sure your friends think so too.

It is not normal to be harrassed by calls while away.

His accusations of cheating are a clear indication of a deeply unhealthy, controlling relationship that you have been sucked into, not unlike the boiling frog analogy.

It would be very wise to take some time to think about your relationship.

Ringing Women's aid for a chat would be a good idea also.

HealthProbs · 28/04/2022 15:20

My ex accused me of sleeping with various family members and his best friend ( no basis for any of this). He also kept me awake all night trying to goad me and start arguments when we went away with another couple. He was laughing and enjoying upsetting me. Even our toddler dc was crying and asking to go to sleep (we were sharing a family room).
To my shame it took lots more years and worse treatment before I left him.
Please be in no doubt you are in a similarly toxic situation

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