To not email but ask him to look at calendar

[Baby3at40]

So my fiancé and I split a month ago when I was 29 weeks pregnant.

Backstory: By the next week he'd moved out his things and find somewhere to live (some of you have seen my post that this started after his daughter spat on my son)... He's the one who left me with no bed or fridge at 30 wks pregnant (to be fair he bought them) but didn't hold out on moving them out until he found out I had a new bed etc... Just took them. Anyway that's just backstory!

The day he moved out he was crying saying "this is nothing that can't be fixed" which blew my mind and then the next week we met to talk where he still wanted to be with me but living apart for now.

He picked me up for a growth scan a few weeks ago and I had a fainting episode at the hospital which I normally do every few days or on a long walk, midwife commented that I looked anemic. He's dropped me back home as if nothing had happened, didn't check I got to the door ok etc or even offered to make me a drink or food (from living together he knows that when these episodes happen I can't stand up long enough to make a cuppa - I've made cups of tea sitting on the kitchen floor before now 🤦‍♀️) and for some reason this was oddly the straw that broke the camels back for me and I said no after everything he's done and leaving when he did after one argument - this was the last straw (I know it's weird that this was the moment). Since then, I've had loads of help from midwives and the freedom programme as he was emotionally abusive in our relationship and I didn't even realise.

So ffwd to last week - he's asked me to email him every time there's an appointment for the baby. I nearly agreed and the freedom programme showed me that again this is him wanting me to serve him and it's not giving me the opportunity to grieve the relationship at now 35 weeks pregnant with everything wrist I have to think about, but I also want to do the right thing and make sure he knows when the appointments are.

When we were together we had a shared calendar for our things to do together so as I have a calendar for the baby anyway (especially these days I have serious pregnancy fog!) then I thought it would be so much easier just to invite him to the baby calendar, then everything i put in about her now, growth scans, consultant appointments because she's big async even things when she's born eg health visitor appointments / jabs etc - he can view and attend if he wishes without the need for constant emailing.

He's REFUSING to press "accept" on the calendar and wants me to email him every time there's an appointment with the information.

AIBU to think that it would be so much better for us both if he accepted the calendar invite instead?! I know he's going to try and accuse me of being difficult for not emailing him but I'd rather the space to grieve this relationship and I am giving him the opportunity to see all appointments where he doesn't have to hear from me directly.

The Freedom programme suspect this is him again trying to control my actions by getting me to serve his needs. When he could just press one button to see all appointments. I don't want to come across as difficult!

You’ve asked him to join the calendar. He’s said no. You’ve done your bit. Leave it now. It’s his choice not to accept and expect you to take over the work. Fuck that.

The way you want to do things, using the calendar, is perfectly reasonable. You are not an admin service; and I agree he is being controlling by insisting on emails.

Well done by the way, it sounds like you are holding things together so well despite the difficulties he's putting you through and managing advanced state of pregnancy. 👏💪🌻

He’s being controlling.
You’re offering him all the information he wants via the calendar.

if he chooses not to accept the calendar invite then it’s all on him.

as an aside is having him at all your appointments helping you in any way?
if not id not bother telling him anything.

You're not being difficult. All the drama is not required and I'd suggest it's based in you being conditioned to fall in line for him - choosing not to is causing you to overthink.

Very simple steps here;

He says; Hi you need to tell me the appointments.
You say; All appointments are in the shared calendar.

He says; I missed the scan, it's your fault
You say; All appointments are in the shared calendar.

He says; blah blah bablahblah
You say; All appointments...

Ad infinitum. Calm, clear, not obstructive, not reactive. He is trying to blame you. You don't have to let him.

You are not being difficult. You are giving him access to the information. End of story. Tell him it is that or nothing and you will not discuss further.

Oh my goodness he is being so petty. 🙆🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♂️.

Do not send any emails - you are not his PA.

Ignore anything about emails and just repeat “everything is in the calendar”.

If he really wants to know what is happening with the baby he will accept the invite.

Cross post w pp but same thing: “everything is the calendar”.

The end.

This shows you he’s just trying to control you; if he really wanted to know and you gave him access to the calendar then he’d just say thanks

That is a control thing, making it your responsibility to give him information in the way he demands it rather than taking responsibility himself. Screw that, you have acted reasonably so it is up to him from here. Good luck with your new baby x

There is no need for him to be at the appointments other than to support you. Is it helping you?

I agree. He wants to be informed of baby appointments. You've offered access to a calendar of appointments but that's not good enough for him. He's being unreasonable, you're not being difficult.

You've been really strong so don't let him make you waiver

The calendar is a very sensible way of communicating your child's appointments and key details once they're born. YANBU at all.

Just grey rock.

I will put everything relevant on the calendar both now and after the baby is born it's up to you whether to use it or not"

Well done on your quick learning with the Freedom Programme.

Once you have repeated this a few times just ignore the question.

@JustALittleHelpPlease this was our daily conversation until I said to him by email that due to Gestational Diabetes I'm now going to be colostrum harvesting as of next week so I won't be responding to any emails as I need to be in a relaxed calm headspace. Told him all appts are in calendar as discussed but I'll no longer be engaging about this issue.

Congratulations on getting out and in seeing through his shit.

I expect my husband (still happily married and living together) to check out shared calendar because I'm not his secretary. I certainly wouldn't be one to a tool like your ex.

Stand your ground. You're in the right. You don't even have to have him at the appointments if you don't want so he should be grateful for what you're offering him with the calendar.

What everyone else says.

I'd only add that how you behave now is setting a precedent for the future, when he might be expecting you to relay all the school-related timetables and event calendars to him and remind him of stuff, rather than keep on top of them himself.

You’re not his PA so you’ve been more than reasonable by sharing the calendar that you have set up. It’s up to him to check it. Sending best wishes 💐

@frazzledasarock at the appointments I kinda feel safe and supported by the midwives as the they know the situation and have been amazing. He will behave and be on best behaviour there and give me no crap in front of them, he's way sneakier than that. He's not permitted at the birth as I'll be in a vulnerable state there but appointments I'm not concerned with

@NarcissasMumintheDoghouse exactly one of the main reasons I'm doing it this way. If I set my stall out now it will be the norm for the future. I put my life in the calendar and would be lost without it so he can view the baby one and know everything. With everything I've got to prepare (I've done the nursery from start to finish with no help from him from buying it to building everything in the last month) - I also don't put myself in the position of missing out on some information in the email. Eg. I put in calendar notes when the appointment is made the location, where I park the lot. If I emailed him something and forgot to include something I make myself a target if he was in the wrong place etc. So i feel this is so much better for us both without any need for any communication.

Gaaaaaah what an arsehole!!!!!

I’ve just realised this is exactly what my ex does too - he refuses to log into the school Parent app, refuses to sort out Teams for the children, so I have to inform him of everything. It was terrible during lockdowns as I was having to print off reams of homework, instruction sets, photographing and uploading schoolwork, all because he couldn’t be arsed. He is perfectly able to navigate tinder etc though 🧐

i stopped about a year ago. I still don’t know if he realises he has missed four parent teacher meetings now. When something comes up I just say “it was in the parent app” I absolutely refuse to be his secretary.

it’s so controlling.

ive readytour other threads hes a narc stop worrying about what he thinks

do you really need him at these appts-hes going to insist on being at the brth aswell are you going to give in to that

You tell him where you park-this isnt normal he doesnt need to know these things

@whynotwhatknot no I've made it very clear he won't be at the birth. I'm 100% happy with that decision and have spoken to the midwives about it who have put it in my birth plan so everyone knows in the labour ward not to let him in. I've let him know this already. I gave birth to my son naked and I'm not having an ex seeing me naked in a vulnerable position. He won't be of any support to me and his reason for being at tut birth is completely self serving as he has huge FOMO. That's not the time to think about that though. I sent him this:

During labour, your body
produces a chemical called oxytocin,
which helps progress your labour. Stress
hormones affect the production of
oxytocin, and make your labour longer.

And he will cause me stress just being there so that won't be good for the labour process therefore the health of our baby.

I'm never budging on that and feel a bit empowered to do the birth alone. My mum has offered but she's so squeamish I would be worried about her which won't help and although friends have offered, none of them have children and again I'd be worried about them having had no experience. So I feel quite happy doing it alone

@whynotwhatknot no I tell myself in the calendar where to park 🤣 for example my consultant appointments are in a different building to my antenatal so I just put in the calendar notes remember park in the other car park 😊

Apologies i misread

very glad youve told the hospital hes not to be there-but i dont think him coming to all appts is helping you either-hes doing it for control nt because hes concerned