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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I giving up too quickly?

27 replies

newmuvva · 28/04/2022 06:06

Had my baby on 23/04 via EMCS. Was planning to breastfeed and did so during the 3 days we spent in hospital after. Baby seemed to be latching (although I wasn't latching him 'properly' according to the midwife, I was kind of sticking him on the nipple and hoping for the best) but he was spending a lot of time suckling and producing dirty nappies which they said was encouraging.

As the days went on however he became more and more unsettled and on the last day in hospital/first day back home he was frantically crying before and after feeds and point blank refusing to settle at night. The first night at home was actually quite traumatic for dh and I as nothing we did calmed him down.

The second night I gave in and offered him some of the emergency formula. After 1oz he slept for 3.5 hours giving us the rest we desperately needed.

I'm leaning towards ff now. The routine and practicality suits our family (have other dc at home that I need to be present for) and something was clearly going awry with bf.

But that guilt and fear of judgement is creeping in like I've somehow failed first by not giving birth naturally then by giving up on bf in the first week. I'm aware that my milk will come in any day now and we could continue but I don't want to confuse baby and I honestly can't stand any more unsettledness especially while recovering myself.

Any experience or input appreciated x

OP posts:
Maybebabyno2 · 28/04/2022 06:16

I struggled and cried for weeks due to issues with breastfeeding. The option to continue was taken away as ds was losing weight, not latching and was basically terrified of my boobs. I don't think my milk ever really came in either.

I ff predominantly, topped up his feed with expressed milk (what tiny amounts I could get out) and then used a shield and let him suckle for comfort.

I felt immense guilt for a long time that I didn't breastfeed, but now he is 2, he is happy, healthy and really I don't think it made a lot of difference. What would have caused more issues is if I had continued down my spiral of depression/guilt and not been the happy, present mum he needed.

Give yourself a break (I appreciate it is so, so hard) and do whatever is right for your family. You are doing your best and there is absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. You have not failed!

Original poster
newmuvva · 28/04/2022 06:35

As silly as it sounds I think I feel worse as nothing is forcing me to give up yet so I don't feel like I have a legitimate reason. Other than my sanity. I just feel like ff would suit our family better but quitting after less than a week makes me feel shit.

OP posts:
BeingATwatItsABingThing · 28/04/2022 06:40

Your sanity is definitely a legitimate reason! I understand the guilt all too well. I tried and failed to BF both of my DDs and the guilt had me sobbing for days. When DD2 had her first bottle, DH gave it to her whilst I cried in the kitchen.

If you decide to switch to formula, don’t feel like you have failed. Don’t feel like that because of the EMCS either. You have successfully brought a baby into this world and you will successfully nourish them to ensure they are healthy. You are succeeding!

KangarooKenny · 28/04/2022 06:42

Do not feel guilty, do what is right for you and baby.
In a couple of years baby will be eating chicken nuggets anyway !

StephMum92 · 28/04/2022 06:44

I was in the exact same position as you. I went to formula feeding fully after a week. From 3 days I was topping DD up with expressed milk but it just wasn't enough. There was nothing making me stop she was gaining weight but I felt more guilt around the crying because she was clearly hungry than I did not breastfeeding. Do what's best for you and your family. If people judge that's their issue, I seem to have had more of my friends and family be more judgemental are the ones that never even tried to bf, the ones that have done so are the ones that have been a lot more supportive which really makes no sense but shows just how hard bf can be! X

Hesma · 28/04/2022 06:44

It took me 6 weeks of persistence to establish bf with my DDs but I got there in the end. Do whatever you need to do for your sanity and to have baby fed and happy 😃

Matchingcollarandcuffs · 28/04/2022 06:45

Do what suits you. I fully FF my first, he then developed bad eczema and allergies (but related) but I swore to myself I'd BF DC2. She refused to BF due to bad reflux and other issues so I ended up pumping, would you consider that?

I bought a second hand Medela double pump after hiring one, then after 6 months sold for as much as I bought it for.

She was exclusively fed pumped milk but it really wasn't much hassle, and was lovely DH being able to feed.

DC3 ended up being BF until 2, he refused a bottle/cup. Never again

Good luck in whatever you choose, congrats

Amicompletelyinsane · 28/04/2022 06:45

A fed happy baby and mum is best. If you look at adults can you tell who was breastfed? Nope. Just enjoy your baby. However if you really do want to breastfeed then can you try and find a support group to help.. The early days are tough so congratulations and sending hugs

Weatherwax13 · 28/04/2022 06:50

Try not to feel guilty. You don't have to justify yourself.
A well fed baby is the important thing. End of.

calliopea · 28/04/2022 06:57

Glad I found this, I'm in exact the same position. Trouble latching, and as ftm recovering from a big old tear, I just threw the towel in because it was so upsetting. I started pumping which I hated immediately and have decided to do for 6 weeks max.

I feel horribly guilty but once I realised how much easier you can get in to a routine with bottle/formula feeding I don't think I could start breast feeding now.

It feels awful because I feel like I'm doing what's best for me and not baby.

ThatsALotOfPassionfruit · 28/04/2022 06:59

Do what you need to get through. You haven’t failed on any account and anyone who judged you for either of those things is a twat not worth your time anyway!

congratulations on your new bundle

TheChild · 28/04/2022 07:11

I know how you feel, agonising over quitting and that people will judge you. I gave up breastfeeding my eldest when she was 6 months, I didn't enjoy it and wanted freedom and forced myself to get to 6 months.
I would stay up at night googling things like "want to give up breastfeeding but feel guilty", probably even had my own mumsnet thread about it 😁 Looking back, I can't believe I wasted so much energy agonising over it! Eldest is 8 now, and no different from all her peers, no idea which of them was breast fed and which was formula. In the grand scheme of things it really doesn't matter.
Easier said than done me saying not to feel guilty and that it doesn't matter, but if you decide to switch to formula just know that this time in a year you probably won't think twice about it 😊
Congratulations of your baby 😊

MRex · 28/04/2022 07:11

Day 4-5 is typical for babies to cry a lot and cluster feed because your milk supply needs to come in. It's tricky but normal; a night or two of crying drama and then the baby is fine because they've upped your supply. It happens a few more times at specified ages, you can look up information by searching about "cluster feeding" . Regarding a proper latch, if baby is making nice nappies and it doesn't hurt (with lansinoh cream used in the early weeks) then it's fine and ignore "help" about what the latch ought to look like. By all means move to formula if that's your preference, or mix feeding with some supplements, but it sounds like you could just do with someone around you who knows about breastfeeding. If you Google about breastfeeding support in your local area then you may find some groups; we had children's centre, an osteopath held a session, plus two community groups that met regularly. The most helpful that I found though were the two weekly church playgroups, not advertised to help but just had other women breastfeeding who I could chat with about what's normal. You can also call La Leche League helpline.

Good luck whatever you decide to do and enjoy your baby.

RedHelenB · 28/04/2022 07:37

newmuvva · 28/04/2022 06:06

Had my baby on 23/04 via EMCS. Was planning to breastfeed and did so during the 3 days we spent in hospital after. Baby seemed to be latching (although I wasn't latching him 'properly' according to the midwife, I was kind of sticking him on the nipple and hoping for the best) but he was spending a lot of time suckling and producing dirty nappies which they said was encouraging.

As the days went on however he became more and more unsettled and on the last day in hospital/first day back home he was frantically crying before and after feeds and point blank refusing to settle at night. The first night at home was actually quite traumatic for dh and I as nothing we did calmed him down.

The second night I gave in and offered him some of the emergency formula. After 1oz he slept for 3.5 hours giving us the rest we desperately needed.

I'm leaning towards ff now. The routine and practicality suits our family (have other dc at home that I need to be present for) and something was clearly going awry with bf.

But that guilt and fear of judgement is creeping in like I've somehow failed first by not giving birth naturally then by giving up on bf in the first week. I'm aware that my milk will come in any day now and we could continue but I don't want to confuse baby and I honestly can't stand any more unsettledness especially while recovering myself.

Any experience or input appreciated x

I think you've always wanted to FF so just get on and do it. You can BF but you're not wanting to. Own your decision and enjoy your new baby, don't look for excuses.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 28/04/2022 07:52

My dd is 10 - she was bottle fed and her best friend was breast fed. Both healthy, strong girls - it matters to you now op but in the end, it doesn't matter..
Give yourself a break - much better to have a happy fed baby.
Lots of advantages to bottle feeding

JustATomCat · 28/04/2022 08:03

@RedHelenB 🙄 Very helpful!

JustATomCat · 28/04/2022 08:05

Dear Op, having a new born baby is hard enough as it is without the added pressure of BF or FF. You have to do what's right for you & baby. A happy Mummy equals a happy baby. Congratulations on your new baby. Enjoy him. 💙

Original poster
newmuvva · 28/04/2022 08:10

@RedHelenB what a pointless comment. If I always intended to ff why would I not just do that to begin with? I wanted to bf but maybe didn't give enough consideration to how hard it might be. I did try though.

Why do people have to get so nasty about this issue? Thank you to everyone for the supportive comments. Unfortunately there are a lot of people who judge but I guess I just have to rise above it and focus on what works for us.

OP posts:
bettysboob · 28/04/2022 08:12

The pressure on mothers that breast is best, and the only way, is unfair and stupid.

When the midwife came through on day 4 and recorded baby as ‘no feeding witnessed’ when I hadn’t got my tits out but given him expressed milk from a bottle I was so put off I just stopped after 6 weeks being unable to put up with it anymore.

And I had really wanted to breast feed. Had the baby at 45 completely unexpectedly. A real gift and I wanted to do all the bonding.

Monty27 · 28/04/2022 08:12

Don't be bullied OP. The baby is probably hungry. Go from the heart.
Congratulations on the birth. Enjoy this special time ❤️ xx

Mariposista · 28/04/2022 09:16

A happy and healthy baby is a fed baby. It doesn't matter how it is fed. Stick to FF and that way you can have help with feeding, and get a bit of a break for rest, especially after your CS.

blobby10 · 28/04/2022 09:21

newmuvva it was a long time ago (26 years!!) and I got way more support in hospital after an emergency CS than mothers seem to now but I struggled with bf my eldest until a midwife suggested using nipple shields. It not only gave the baby something solid to latch on to but reduced the intense soreness that comes from baby not latching properly. If you don't want to give up just yet, it is worth trying those? You could use normal bottle nipples as a temporary measure ?

user1471538283 · 28/04/2022 09:28

If you were mine I would tell you this - you have not failed your baby! You grew him, birthed him and you are feeding him! What ever way works as long as your baby is fed and happy then you are doing a good job!

I struggled with breastfeeding my DS at first but managed it in the end. I was ff from the get go and I thrived!

Plus formula has come a long way since I was fed it. A lot of them absolutely and effectively replicate breast milk.

It does sound as if your milk may not sufficient for your baby. This isn't a failing either, it happens sometimes. Your baby sounds very happy on formula.

Congratulations!

RedHelenB · 28/04/2022 20:04

newmuvva · 28/04/2022 08:10

@RedHelenB what a pointless comment. If I always intended to ff why would I not just do that to begin with? I wanted to bf but maybe didn't give enough consideration to how hard it might be. I did try though.

Why do people have to get so nasty about this issue? Thank you to everyone for the supportive comments. Unfortunately there are a lot of people who judge but I guess I just have to rise above it and focus on what works for us.

The fact you had formula in and say it suits your circumstances better suggested to me that you weren't/aren't desperate to bf. Which is fair enough, as I stated in my post. Nothing to do with being nasty. However, if you are in fact desperate to bf then you need to be asking your midwife for help to do so or at least to point you in the direction of bf counsellors etc.

Anyway the important thing is that you and your baby are happy and settled, concentrate on that.

Norush4 · 28/04/2022 20:11

The second night I gave in and offered him some of the emergency formula. After 1oz he slept for 3.5 hours giving us the rest we desperately needed.

I noticed the same thing with DS too.. for me it was the end of BF once I realised.

I don't think you can rely on the dirty/wet nappy thing and think your baby is getting enough milk because of it... I think it's a but of a fluke. However you can't argue with a settled baby and this is what healthcare professions should be saying!