Husbands/partners speaking over women on postnatal ward

[pedropony76]

I’m really interested in hearing what other people think about this!

I had my first baby last May and we were in hospital for a week due to loads of complications. Women would come and go on the postnatal ward and one thing I noticed was how some men would speak over their wives/partners when the midwife would come round. For example, I remember there was one time when a midwife came round and asked about someone’s C section wound and if there was any pain. The woman started speaking saying, ‘There’s been a bit of pain and I’ve….’ and straight away the guy that she was with started speaking and said ‘oh yeah the wound is fine, she’s healing fine’ and that was it. The midwife tried to redirect the question back to the woman and the guy answered again! Super awkward so the midwife just left it. I noticed a few more instances when similar things happened but didn’t think too much about it.

Fast forward to now and I’ve had my second baby last week Wednesday. He’s in intensive care so I spend most of my time upstairs with him but when on the ward, I’ve noticed the same thing happening! Midwives will start speaking to the woman and asking questions and the man they’re with will just cut them short and start speaking over them. I don’t mean when the women are too tired to speak so the men speak instead or when midwives ask about the baby and the dad answers instead of the mum. I mean when the midwife asks direct questions about the woman and any pain/worries and the guy will just talk over them. I wondered what other people may think this is because of or if they’ve experienced similar when being on the postnatal ward?

Just to add. I know I’m posting on MN whilst my newborn is in intensive care but please don’t imply I don’t care about him or anything unpleasant along those lines. I’m cruising on autopilot and could do with a chat and nice distraction tbh. Thank you

That’s actually quite concerning, and my ears would prick up if I were the HCP looking after a woman whose partner kept answering questions for her. It might be nothing at all, just a twatty man, but she also might have been abused, trafficked, anything. Could you quietly mention anything to the midwife?

I hope your little boy is home with you soon ❤️

I don't think it's a common occurance. There are plenty of people, men and women, who answer questions that are directed at someone else - its really odd. When it happens to me I just repeat the question to the person I asked originally.

The midwife should've told him she was talking to the actual patient about her pain, not him.

I used to work with mothers and sometimes I had to send the husbands out on errands just to get the wives to talk. Sometimes the wives seemed to prefer the husband talking for them. I'm not sure what to make of it. I wonder if wives speak for men too.

I think the midwife would be totally in the wrong by not putting the guy nicely in his place and pursuing her enquiries with the patient. Unless, of course, she didn't want to cause grief for the woman, so she waited til he'd gone and then returned to check the patient out.

I used to teach adults at college and sometimes husbands of the women I was teaching would be unhappy that they were attending classes. So they'd come along mid lesson, knocking on the doors to get them out and take them home. Not a lot I could do about it really.

RED FLAGS ALL OVER THIS

Surely when it comes to women's pre and post-natal healthcare, we should be given the same privacy as anyone else would be in a clinical situation?

Husbands / partners / anyone else should be asked to leave, curtains drawn, full privacy, before any interaction with the clinical team.

I think the "all-bets-are-off" presence of men on the post-natal ward is a serious dignity and safeguarding issue.

😄 My friends husband's in hospital at the moment and she definitely speaks for him. He always understated his symptoms. He's not henpecked or bullied but he never wants to make a fuss. If it hadn't been for my friend, he'd still be in bed at home, probably dead. And that's not an exaggeration.

If the HCPs are not addressing that and ensuring they can speak to the woman alone they are failing in their duty of care and professional responsibilities.

That is not acceptable to simply ignore and is a massive safeguarding issue.

This is why I'd be a terrible midwife - because I'd just tell these imbeciles that I am talking to the new mum, NOT to them, and that they need to leave while I do my checks.

In the interests of protecting the women, though, I guess its better to come back when Big Daddy has gone, and speak to mum then.

That's the complete opposite of the patient being spoken over to dismiss any concerns about wound-healing or pain.

I can’t believe the midwife gave up!! When i was a waitress and men would do this I wouldn’t give up trying to speak to the woman and that was about what she wanted for her bloody dinner, never mind her surgical scar and pain!

I overheard a midwife ask a heavily pregnant woman 'how are you feeling?' her husband quickly piped up 'I'm absolutely shattered, didn't sleep at all well.' 😮

I haven’t seen this, my DH certainly did not do it, but believe you that it can and does happen. The midwives should not give up and ensure they speak with the new mum. It’s actually concerning that some men do this, the whole hospital birth process is dehumanising enough as it is without your own partner making it worse. I actually think the midwives/OBs should start by saying they are there to consult with the new mum, and so could new dad please go find a cup of tea or snack for a few minutes to give them privacy. Then the new dad only stays if the new mum objects and specifically asks for him to stay and listen in.

Best wishes to you and baby to be home quickly, OP 💐

Oh yes I had experience of a very loud, bossy father on the maternity ward after dc2s birth. Pacing up and down the ward in his mobile etc…. very annoying. Demanded his wife be discharged hours after the birth because they had lots of other children at home they needed to get back for. The midwives refused to discharge her until the set number of hours had passed. I then overheard a kerfuffle and one of them tell him that this was why the policy was to keep in for x number of hours after delivery. She was allowed to go home shortly after. I didn’t hear her speak once! He did all the demanding.

Hugs to you and little one, OP.

Hope your little one is OK op and you are recovering well. I've not seen or experienced it on the postnatal ward. I did have an incidence where my midwife directed a question at both my dh and I at our booking in appointment and he answered before I did and she was going to go with his response. The question was with regards to whether we would consider termination if screening discovered any issues. Dh said no and midwife said no need for screening then. At this point I interjected that I did want the baby to be screened and as the primary caregiver and the pregnant person it was up to me and I would like to be prepared and wouldn’t rule out termination. I told my dh off afterwards that whilst he can advocate for me when I am unable to I didn't appreciate him talking over me. She never made that mistake again but rightly or wrongly I took a dislike to her after that.

I had something stronger in mind.

"Mind if I talk to the organ grinder?"

That sort of thing.

Best wishes for your baby’s recovery OP ❤

I spent all my time on mindless internet forums when my baby was in the NICU, I was too anxious to watch a movie or read and the interactions were a good distraction. Hope your baby is ok.

Anyway, men are idiots, more at 11

That would ring alarm bells for me. I'm sure there is some training in this and what to look out for. Is it possible midwife came back later to speak to mothers?

Sending thoughts and prayers for your little baby

Talking as a midwife here, I think men just want to get their wives out of the ward and home as soon as possible. I’ve heard them talking behind closed curtains before, saying things like ‘if you tell her that, they won’t discharge us”. It’s fairly common - especially post-covid where there’s limited visiting etc, they just want to get their families home. It is fairly short sighted though, yes you get to go home earlier but then higher chance of readmission or long term issues if they’re not addressed early

I'm an NHS clinician (not midwife) and I think we're fairly good at ensuring the patient has their say.

As other PP say - we ask husbands to go and fetch something or we take them into a different room for something.

I don't think we always get it right, but I'm hoping that the midwives you're seeing don't just leave it without hearing from the patient themselves.

Yeah this does happen, it happened to me in fact- my ex totally took over when I was in hospital having our babies. He also abused me throughout our entire relationship and I don’t think it’s a coincidence. He absolutely hated it when other people i.e me, would get attention and he didn’t.

I’d like to think that when this happens a midwife would pick up on it and be a bit I dunno, firmer at saying they wanted the answers to come from the actual patient. It probably does but maybe it’s not easy to be very forceful?

Thank you so much for the well wishes/prayers regarding my son, I really do appreciate it❤️

I also want to be clear that this isn’t a dig at midwives at all. The midwives are on the ward are absolutely amazing in this hospital. I was focusing more on these men that decide to speak over their partners when the question isn’t aimed at them.

I totally get the comment about people not saying certain things in case it takes longer for them to get discharged. It’s horrible having a baby during Covid times when you’re not allowed visitors. In the previous hospital, birthing partners were allowed on the ward 24/7 but there was a 2 hr period between 7-9 where they HAD to leave. I’m sure midwives would use this opportunity to speak to anyone they may have had concerns about however they don’t do this in the current hospital I’m in.

I’m just trying to figure out the agenda of some of these men that won’t let their partner speak!

How did you feel about your husband?