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Original poster

Reduced to tears by colleague

42 replies

Fubla72 · 27/04/2022 14:29

I've always hated any type of confrontation like most people but I feel like such a wimp/idiot that I get reduced to tears so easily. Happened today after talking to a colleague online who was unfairly taking out frustrations on me - eye rolling, tutting etc whilst I was explaining something. Patronising tone when speaking to me, as if I'm stupid. Made me feel tiny/useless. I immediately burst into tears as soon as I came off the call - but why! I have no backbone, can't stand up for myself at all. I know exactly what I should say but for some reason I panic, can't find the words and feel the tears coming. I find myself apologising when people are nasty and rude rather than standing up for myself. I'm 40 now - but still feel 20 in this respect, my lack of assertiveness has never changed in all these years. Surely I should have grown out of being such a baby by now!

OP posts:
Snowflakes1122 · 27/04/2022 14:32

Very unprofessional behaviour. Do you have a manager you can mention it to? This kind of belittling needs to be addressed in the form of a royal bollocking from senior management.

Watchkeys · 27/04/2022 14:36

The way we relate to people often has a lot to do with what we learned about relationships when we were children. Did your parents listen to and respect each other? Did they listen to and respect you? Were there any regular instances of you or someone else being made to feel inadequate/stupid for expressing their point of view?

Mischance · 27/04/2022 14:38

Not necessarily - you are who you are. No-one likes it when someone is rude (which this lady was being). Give some thought to what you wished you had said and what you would like to say to her and send her an email...... Dear X, Since our online conversation I have given some thought to your manner and attitude during that call, and wish to state that I do not find this either acceptable or professional. I hope that you will see fit to behave in a reasonable manner when I next speak with you. " -....or words to that effect. Or report to higher management. She sounds like a right royal cow!

Ionlydomassiveones · 27/04/2022 14:47

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

SleeplessInEngland · 27/04/2022 14:51

Well, I don't think eye-rolling and tutting would result in disciplinary action, but I agree it's annoying when crying feels like an easily triggered reflex.

springtimeishereagain · 27/04/2022 14:55

Can you role-play how you could react to this with your h or a friend, so you have practised it and know what to do in real life? In advance of your next call/Zoom, think of some things you could say. And yes, report to your manager. Maybe ask if there is some assertiveness training you can go on?

Giveitall · 27/04/2022 14:56

She was bullying you. It takes many forms but actually it’s also about how it “makes you feel” & this is defo something to share with management.
Keep it factual but finish up with how she made you feel and how you cried afterwards.
If management aren’t supportive, think about your future with that company.
I was bullied as an adult on and off by an entire group of women. After two years I left & found another job. It was fantastic to be respected & appreciated for my skill and capabilities. I stayed with them for yonks.
Chin up and stay strong. We’re here for you.

whenwilliwillibefamous · 27/04/2022 14:57

You can learn to react differently, OP - it's not too late.

A useful thing to keep in mind is that someone's behaviour reflects primarily upon themselves. The phrase, "What is their problem" (to be thought not said!) is a useful mantra.
Go through the interaction mentally, and try to redirect your thoughts to things like,
"Gosh she's being rude... Anyway, what do we actually have to get done here?".

Ultimately she's just a colleague - you're not obliged to like each other. You carry on being calm and professional, and if her behaviour interferes with business then it's on her.

AryaStarkWolf · 27/04/2022 15:03

Why does everyone think it was a she? The OP never said the sex of the colleague

needmorethanthis · 27/04/2022 15:09

Role play this in front of a mirror or hire a therapist who will role play this with you on a practice teams/zoom call over and over so that you are prepared. It’s the unexpected that is making you panic. If this happens again you could immediately mute and switch off your camera. Take a minute, get a glass of water and then go back to the call and rejoin. Say “sorry bad connection. Where were we?” Then restart and see if that interrupts the bad behaviour. If it then restarts you can say “sorry I’m going to mute and switch off for a moment. You are tutting again so let’s take a break. I’ll call you back in 5 minutes” then keep doing that. The other option is to just stop talking and stare at the camera sternly say “sorry. Is there an issue? Are you ok. You keep tutting?” Then wait for their response. Then if they keep doing it just say “I’m sorry I can’t concentrate because you keep making strange tutting noises. Let’s do this over email instead” then without waiting disconnect the call and immediately write via email what you wanted to say.

gwanwyn · 27/04/2022 15:41

Because it rude behavior that you fear will fly just under the radar and they can easily deny so you feel powerless to stop

I've seen people pull other's up for this over the years - often just stopping asking if there an problem or calling out the behavior - do you have an eye issue then why are you constantly rolling your eyes - it usually stops it.

Roll playing, observing others dealing with the situation, assertivness training if possible and as whenwilliwillibefamous says realising it's them not you.

CalmH2O · 27/04/2022 15:46

I’m kind of the same in that when I get frustrated with people who are rude/nasty it makes me want to cry, no idea why 😅it’s not that I’m upset it’s out of frustration and wanting them to realise what a twat they’re being. I don’t know how to change it and I don’t think you necessarily need to. If their behaviour was a one off thing I’d just forget about it and sleep it off 😊

MrOllivander · 27/04/2022 15:48

CalmH2O · 27/04/2022 15:46

I’m kind of the same in that when I get frustrated with people who are rude/nasty it makes me want to cry, no idea why 😅it’s not that I’m upset it’s out of frustration and wanting them to realise what a twat they’re being. I don’t know how to change it and I don’t think you necessarily need to. If their behaviour was a one off thing I’d just forget about it and sleep it off 😊

I do that. If I get frustrated I cry which makes me more frustrated Confused

DomesticatedZombie · 27/04/2022 15:50

It's great you have the self awareness to recognise this, OP.

I'd approach this in two ways.

  1. I'd consider therapy of some sort to explore the 'why' of why you react/respond like this and
  2. I'd start reading up on/training in assertiveness and
  3. Mindfulness - I found this helped me to see the gap between an event and my reaction to it, so I could step back and better choose how to respond. There are good 8 week courses, the book 'Mindfulness' by Danny Penman takes you through it with a CD, but it's good to find a qualified teacher. 'Headspace' app is free and has a guided programme.
Okay, that's three things. 😊
Sweetleftfood · 27/04/2022 15:51

I have a colleague like this, totally nice to my face when we meet but bloody hell he is so rude on Teams and on emails. I really detest him, luckily my manager is very supportive and this one is known to be a bit of a dick, why he is still there I don't know. Just try and shrug it off and get on with your day, I know how difficult it can be though

MrsToothyBitch · 27/04/2022 15:53

Did I miss where OP states that the nasty colleague is a woman??

Id probably have done the same as you OP. I think stopping and asking "is there a problem?" is the way forwards.

chisanunian · 27/04/2022 16:00

I'm surprised by the number of people suggesting coping strategies and ways the OP can change the way she responds to situations like this.

The OP was not in the wrong here.

It is the colleague who was in the wrong, and they should be the one who needs to change their attitude and behaviour at work. Nobody should be reduced to tears by the shitty behaviour of a colleague.

10HailMarys · 27/04/2022 16:00

Your colleague is the problem here, not you. Your colleague is an unprofessional bully who needs to learn a few valuable lessons about manners and respect.

Bordesleyhills · 27/04/2022 16:14

Next time press record and let someone senior look

EmmaH2022 · 27/04/2022 16:17

I read about an exercise where teens were helped to identify their feelings by sitting in the "upset" chair or the "angry" chair. In my 20s, it helped me realise I was identifying anger as upset and then I'd cry - sometimes after talking to the bank or something!

Would it help to think of it that way?

MrsCranky · 27/04/2022 16:21

Ha! I saw a male colleague doing all this in my mind.

Mischance · 27/04/2022 16:21

I find it helps to imagine the bullying person seated on the toilet struggling to pass the rock of Gibralter! Smile

DomesticatedZombie · 27/04/2022 16:27

Here, OP, maybe a bit of Stoicism might be of use:

psyche.co/guides/how-to-take-things-less-personally-and-avoid-mind-reading

gwanwyn · 27/04/2022 16:28

chisanunian · 27/04/2022 16:00

I'm surprised by the number of people suggesting coping strategies and ways the OP can change the way she responds to situations like this.

The OP was not in the wrong here.

It is the colleague who was in the wrong, and they should be the one who needs to change their attitude and behaviour at work. Nobody should be reduced to tears by the shitty behaviour of a colleague.

Clearly the colleague is the problem and ideally people would be more professional, and all mangers/hr department would deal with such unprofessional attitude.

If OP feel HR or her manager would be helpful - then she can approach and see if they can pull this colleagues behaviour up.

If not then she need to find coping strategies so the impact on her is inconsequential as possible.

Sadly I’ve these coping strategies very useful life skills and there are many difficult people out there in RL who are often strangely tolerated by others and I've frequently had to make it clear by myself that I won't tolerate such behavior directed at me.

TheSillyMastiff · 27/04/2022 16:34

You don't have to change you at all, there's nothing wrong with not wanting to be confrontational and assertive at all. And there's also nothing wrong with having an emotional reaction to someone else's behaviour, it's all normal.

I'm a bit of the confrontational type, so when I see people huffing and puffing on teams when I'm talking I go "oh sorry (enter name here) did you want to add something, I can see you gesturing, my apologies" In the most soft, polite and kind tone.

I then sit and watch them backpeddle and enjoy it 😂

So I'd say you are actually a better person than me OP. 😳

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