Reduced to tears by colleague

[Fubla72]

I've always hated any type of confrontation like most people but I feel like such a wimp/idiot that I get reduced to tears so easily. Happened today after talking to a colleague online who was unfairly taking out frustrations on me - eye rolling, tutting etc whilst I was explaining something. Patronising tone when speaking to me, as if I'm stupid. Made me feel tiny/useless. I immediately burst into tears as soon as I came off the call - but why! I have no backbone, can't stand up for myself at all. I know exactly what I should say but for some reason I panic, can't find the words and feel the tears coming. I find myself apologising when people are nasty and rude rather than standing up for myself. I'm 40 now - but still feel 20 in this respect, my lack of assertiveness has never changed in all these years. Surely I should have grown out of being such a baby by now!

Me too that's why I was surprised people were saying "she" obviously it could be either, i just automatically thought man

I’m sorry as much as she is rude, please do not go to management and complain she rolled her eyes, used a patronising tone (in your view), and tutted at you. You are not a child telling teacher and should not be encouraged to behave like one.

eye rolling and tutting is rude but it’s also not disciplinary level behaviour. I mean what are they going to say, did you eye roll and tut, and maybe use a patronising tone, could you stop it as she cries when you do. It does the op no favours at all.

op, you need to learn to manage your own emotions and reactions to what is a rather minor frustration being displayed to you by a colleague.

there are on line courses you could do, Ie managing conflict in the workplace. I’d also address as to why she was behaving like that. Did she have different expectations, what was it you were explaining that made her react like that?

Well done for not crying until you got off the call. Next time you find yourself in a situation that you find difficult and feel you can't stick up for yourself and someone is tutting etc just stay 'sorry I didn't catch that, did you say something?' They will often shut up and you can carry on and if they do say something back to you, hang up the call immediately and contact your manager. You don't need to be confrontational to stick up for yourself. If you do this truest me you will gradually feel your self worthy and confidence grow and eventually you will be confident enough to blatantly call them out

This is illegal and she would be rightly fired for it. You cannot record someone without their permission.

You are a bully.

@TheSillyMastiff sorry, I misread that as 'huffing and puffing in tears when I am talking' not on Teams!

This could well be me. The tears come because the emotion is boiling up, the only way I would have been able to prevent them
would be through confrontation but then you risk looking stupid. So I bottle the rage and end up crying - it’s a nightmare

There are non confrontational ways of calling this kind of shit out. Like pausing and asking them if there is something they would like to add EVERY time they tut. End of the day why are you feeling bad? Everyone probably thought they were out of order too. Get off the call, shrug, think what a wanker and get on with your life. Choosing not to confront someone does not make you weak. Why waste your energy?

You could ask to record every such call so you can check you have understood everything. So if they repeat such behaviour there is evidence. It may mean that they think twice about a repeat.

Thanks so much for all the comments. I did think about reporting it to management but decided against it - like someone above said, I worry it sounds like I'm telling the teacher, makes me look a bit ridiculous. A couple of people mentioned if a she/he - it was a she.
I think some assertiveness training would be helpful for me so I'm better prepared for next time although agree that the problem is mostly her horrid attitude rather than me. I do think I'm probably too sensitive though but you can't help the way you are I suppose!

To echo everyone else, this isn't a problem with you OP.

Crying is just an outlet - sadness, anger frustration...
You stayed steady on the call in the face of proper rudeness and unprofessionalism, and for me that is a win.

I have had a very confrontational job for 20+ years and I still get the shakes after big bust ups and will have a pressure releasing cry if I need it.

What has helped is making a concious effort to feel angry (not raging, but understandably pissed off) when people are disrespectful rather than hurt or sad, which links into PP post about the chairs! Very interesting!

Nobody can make you feel anything.we are responsible and in control of our emotions,nobody else.
so take ownership of yourself and gain some self belief,do not allow anyone to attempt to make you feel small.
it's so easy to think of things to say afterwards isn't it?😀
if this scenario happens again say nothing,just state at her forehead until she shuts up.
then begin talking again,calmly and with confidence.if she puts you down with comments ask her what she meant by that.she'll soon learn you are taking no shit by quietly being firm and professional and will behave appropriately.

I do think I'm probably too sensitive though

I was always told as a child it was me - when it was other's behavior towards me that was actually the problem.

I've since witnessed others dealing with similar behavior and then started trying it out myself - I think it gets easier when you do feel able to push back a bit - more in control and less frustrated and angry.

we are responsible and in control of our emotions,nobody else

Big mistake here. If we were in control of our emotions, we'd all choose to fall in love with the right person, love the gym, hate chocolate, etc. We're not in control of our emotions. We are in control of the choices we make regarding what triggers our emotions, and we are in charge of how we respond to our emotions.

Big difference.

Nobody can make you feel anything.we are responsible and in control of our emotions

This is such shit. And you don't really need to think about it very long to realise it. Just think of all the situations in life, being bullied at school or work, being raped, being in an abusive relationship, having unloving and harsh parents, being beaten up, being humiliated in front of others, being ostracised, being targeted by a twitter mob, being surrounded by a real life angry mob, being threatened, walking alone at night and hearing a man quicken his footsteps behind you, that poster who was surrounded by men trying to get into her car. All these people were not just mentally weak, as this quote from PP implies. We live our lives through our social relations with others. Of course how other people behave towards us has a profound impact on our feelings! Simplistic statements like this means a bullied person still feels shit, but now is also told that are weak and inadequate for feeling shit.

Haha that's ok, 😊 easy to skim read and fill in different words. Happens to the best of us!

OP..hold your head up high, paint a smile, do what you have to do and don't give him/her time of day. They don't deserve anymore of your air time or kindness.