To regret walking away

[ConfusingCrush]

Basically had a massive crush as a teenager. Had some drunken fumbles over a period of around 3 years. He never pursued anything further and I kept quiet about wanting that. For my own sanity I stopped the physical stuff but didn't say real reason why. Moved on but whenever I've seen him again I still feel so attracted. Fast forward many years and nothings changed. We're both now single and there's clearly still something there for me but could not say if anything is reciprocated. Circumstances mean I see him more often now and I'm really regretting not saying something all those years ago and feel like I want to confess my feelings! Would this be foolish. Obviously if he feels the same it could be amazing but if not it could be devastating. Am I just fantasising over some teenage crush that I've built up in my head or will I regret keeping my feelings to myself again?

No one can tell you if he feels the same way.

How does he act towards you? I wouldn't admit to undying love, but could you suggest a drink, just the two of you, or dinner? Something to give you both space to make a move if you want to?

As above post. Ask him if he wants to catch up for dinner or drinks or coffee and see where it goes. I wouldn’t be confessing undying love.

eek keep us updated, love a love story!

Ok, so you need 1 or 2 good friends or family and you need to concoct an elaborate plan to tempt him 100%. Don't even entertain the idea that he may not be interested. Get some tips from period dramas. Work it girl and go get your man. Make him think it was all his idea. Have a great life!! xxx

Go for it!

You don't want to miss another opportunity and look back in another decade and wish you'd said something now.

I think this is my dilemma. Is it better to risk potential humiliation or keep wondering??

He hasn't done anything recently to make me think he feels the same way but back then I wondered if he was anxious and that he felt I rejected him so is playing it cool. I feel like a teenager again when I'm near him and always have. God it sounds ridiculous!

I need to find a way to pursue this ........

You won't be humiliated if you ask him for a drink. Just take it easy

He didn't pursue anything further. Why do you think that was?

He might still find you attractive, but still not be open to anything more than a fumble. I'd invite him out for a drink and be open to seeing if there's still a spark, but I wouldn't be confessing feelings. For whatever reason, you weren't good enough for him back then, so be wary of assuming anything has changed.

If it hasn't, amazing, but proceed with caution...

Ugh, I did exactly this. It was awful. We were midway through (our first) sex and he suddenly announced he just doesn’t fancy me like he used to and he can’t offer anything more than this one shag.
I died inside, and it took ages to get over. It still hurts… I’ve unfriended him on Facebook. 😱

That's horrendous! Please tell me you booted him out of bed right there and then?!

In what circumstances do you see him? Is it through work or a hobby or what? Something that you can suggest a drink or a coffee afterwards?

Oh god lilyboleyn thats awful 😩 At the moment I feel getting clarity on whether there could be anything real or even whether there was feels preferential to always not knowing. Its made me realise there has always been this underlying question mark for a long time hanging around. But I also know an outcome like yours would be mortifying!

Its kind of a work situation. Not same workplace but a regular collaboration. Always a group situation so far though so no conversations have been able to happen that haven't been in earshot of others! He would also I guess be classed as senior to me in the situation so suggestion of a drink etc would not look appropriate. People knowing of our past would also be awkward at this point too. (Noone even knew about it at the time!) I guess I'd need to try somehow to orchestrate some alone time or a meet in a less formal group situation where this type of conversation can happen. The subtle things I have tried to do so far to manipulate an appropriate opportunity have been unsuccessful so far. Hence the wonder about forgetting subtle and just laying it all out there somehow!!

He could be completely uninterested but I had an inkling that his failure to progress our encounters into something more all those years ago was due to confidence rather than lack of wanting to and I think I handled this badly and instead of encouraging action I think it was interpreted as lack of interest! I have regularly kicked myself for this. Obviously I am a grown woman now and not an awkward teenager and generally am much more upfront about feelings. I have however reverted back to lovesick teenager in his presence 🤦‍♀️

I was too shocked and meekly let him finish… 😫

You say you walked away, but I am not sure there was anything to walk away from. I would take care not to over romanticise “it” and definitely do not declare undying love, but I also see no harm in suggesting a drink.

I was going to say go for it, but I think it needs to be handled more carefully if it’s a work situation.
you need to work on having some conversations away with just him, away from work and gauge his reaction before you make a move. do you have him in social media or anything apart from his works email address?
No need for anyone else to know about your history with him.

This is I guess my worry, have I just blown all this up in my head.

Basically we would regularly end up together at the end of a group evening. There appeared to be a massive chemistry between us but also we were both a bit inexperienced in the world of relationships. I stupidly thought at the point of another encounter declaring that this wasn't for me and walking away would encourage him to pursue me in a more romantic relationship way but instead probably just made him think I wasn't interested 🤦‍♀️ Obviously the sensible thing to do would have been to just say this casualness is not for me as my feelings are growing but if you would like to date and see where this may go I would be more than up for that. But no I just torpedoed any development out of the water!! A time machine would be great right now! I would like to add I was young 😩 he was a bit older.

Exactly can you imagine if I get this completely wrong and end up accused of sexually harassing a client 😱

There is no ‘our past’. You liked him a lot, casual stuff happened (standard young people stuff), that’s all. Would try let go of all that.

You fancy him now, so just ask him to do something 1:1, if he accepts you can see how it goes.

he’s not been a friend in the interim and isn’t your friend, he’s just a potential romantic interest like any other. so nothing lost if he’s not interested or you date but it doesn’t go anywhere.

IME, if a guy likes you, he'll do something about it. The fact that he didn't bother to pursue you then, or attempt to since, suggests to me that he's not interested.

This is I guess my worry, have I just blown all this up in my head.

I think this is in all in your head - sorry!

It sounds really unhealthy. I would avoid actually and date men that are interested and available.

This could end very badly with you looking foolish and unprofessional. He can ask you out if he is interested, I would not be embarrassing myself like this as an adult woman unless I knew 100% that he was into me, and even then I would probably wait and see how it develops.

Wow yes this is another much more sensible way to look at things! Although much much more mature now (this started 20 years ago!) I am still very shit at the whole dating malarkey!

Things aren't quite so black and white for me but there is no reason why I cannot lean towards this interpretation. It was much much more than casual in my head back then and that was the problem. On the infrequent times I've seen him over the years there has been massive resurrection of these feelings and such an attraction but I've never been single up until now so have been able to just shove them back down. My dilemma I suppose is, is it just that I am massively attracted to this person and thats why they continually make me feel this way and like you say should just act on this new situation or have I just built them up so much in my head over the years that it is mixing up nostalgia with reality. How can you tell the difference between genuine massive lustful urges and feelings for an unrealistic fantasy person that I may have concocted without realising???

How can you tell the difference between genuine massive lustful urges and feelings for an unrealistic fantasy person that I may have concocted without realising???

You think long and hard about what this person has actually said to you in recent years and you make a concerted effort to separate that from this fantasy that you've created and curated for twenty years.

Nothing that you've said in any of your posts on this thread suggests that this guy has given you any indication of current or ongoing interest. We're talking about a few teenage fumbles 20 years ago and I'm willing to bet he doesn't even remember them. I think this: I am still very shit at the whole dating malarkey! is very pertinent. It sounds like you're still very inexperienced at dating and confusing an infatuation with reality.

I think this is all very one sided from what you have said. You clearly had big feelings for him at the time and still do when your paths cross, but other than a few drunken fumbles (as a pp said - standard young person stuff), it doesn't sound like he has ever really given you any indication that he has actual 'feelings' for you, or that he would want to pursue any kind of relationship.

In the work situation, if you had never met him before, would you think he had an attraction to you? It doesn't really sound like it? Has he spoken to you personally at all? Sort of 'really nice to see you again', type of thing?

This kind of happened to me in reverse. I had a fling with a guy I worked with in my early 20s, similar stuff - we would end up together at the end of nights out but it never really went anywhere and it messed with my head so I had to stop it. I was infatuated with him, obsessed really. It wasn't good and thankfully he left the work shortly after. It was all forgotten and I moved on.

Anyway we bumped into each other at a couple of work things years later, all friendly etc. Then at the end of that project, he took me aside and confessed all these feelings he still had for me which had been reignited again. It was really awkward, I was so taken aback because it just wasn't where I was at anymore and although I let him down gently, it was quite embarrassing.

My point is, he may have moved on while you haven't. So any declarations of your feelings might take him very much by surprise and not necessarily in a good way.

You didn't walk away from anything - there was nothing there, and to be honest if he's not making any moves, there is nothing there now either.

You are building up an old crush, which is harmless if you can keep it in perspective, but it might be worth considering whether you are a bit bored and just looking for something nice to fixate on?