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Original poster

To understand the attitudes

41 replies

OrlaOrka · 26/04/2022 21:28

I hope I manage to articulate this enough so it makes sense! I have been watching the series on tv Yorkshire midwives on call, and have had a bit of a realisation with language we use around birth
The women having normal deliveries have been told things like ‘well done you’, ‘you’ve done amazing’ etc etc
The women who had a caesarean never had any such thing said to them. I myself have had 2 sections and never had anything like this said to me, and I spoke to a midwife friend who actually confirmed she agrees, women who push babies out often get this kind of praise where as women who have sections don’t often. I don’t know where I’m trying to go with this really but I think it’s going to make me definitely make an effort to any of my friends who have sections in the future tell them how amazing they have done!

I think what I’m interested to know is have any of you found the same? Or I am alone in this? (I really hope I am tbh).

OP posts:
Original poster
OrlaOrka · 26/04/2022 21:29

Just to add I’m not looking for a pat on the back or anything, I’m delighted with my babies but I understand a lot of women who have sections feel like they have failed or are traumatised by what has happened and something as simple as language used without even thinking can make a huge difference

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Mymindisnotmyown · 26/04/2022 21:30

I think you’re right! I almost had an emergency c section and let me tell you I put in alot of graft before it got to that point haha

On a serious note even women who have a planned c-section also go through a hell of a lot, it’s not the easy option.

PrincessRamone · 26/04/2022 21:32

I completely agree. Although I eventually had VB, the bravest thing I have ever done was say “OK then” when they told me I was likely to need an emergency caesarean.

Darbs76 · 26/04/2022 21:32

Yeah it’s true, and it probably makes women who need a section feel awful about it. The end results is a healthy baby, no matter how the baby arrives. It’s ridiculous these attitudes exist as if those needing a section have failed. They haven’t - not at all

Pinklimey · 26/04/2022 21:32

I have no idea if I was congratulated as I was off my face for three days on the drugs they put into me. Have you thought about talking to your hospital PALS?

Pyri · 26/04/2022 21:34

I had an EMCS and although it was hard work until the point where the epidural kicked in, I actually don’t think it deserves the “well done you did it!!!” stuff that vaginal births get. I am really happy and comfortable with the birth experience I had, but I think if I’d had a vaginal birth I’d feel like an absolute warrior and deserving of the extra “you did it!!” stuff

It’s not the take away from the CS mamas, the recovery is definitely harder, the decision to have a CS is tough or it’s tough that decision being taken away from you because you’re in a dangerous situation. But the actual delivery of the baby is way way easier, being numb and having it done for you as opposed to actually pushing it out.

smooshraspberry · 26/04/2022 21:34

Oh I agree. It's a badge of honour held by those who do it and giving great praise by others.

I had no such comments regarding my ECS. Yet I had a very calm, wonderful, loving birth. Where I was cut open and had to recover from. It still involved a trauma on my body.

Fact is, no matter what people say, virginal births and breast feeding will always be seen as the superior route to those who have a c section and/or formula feed. I don't think it will ever change.

Maydaysoonenough · 26/04/2022 21:37

I had 10 natural births without pain relief.. Then an emcs at 35 weeks. Never felt I was less than a dm or had done less of a job tbh!!

sst1234 · 26/04/2022 21:42

Yes and this attitude stems from care rationing in the NHS where aversion to c sections has cost lives of women and babies in some trusts. It’s all about the money.

Lasana · 26/04/2022 21:47

This is true and I wonder if it stems from the fact that a vaginal birth is something a woman does by herself/an active process whereas the CS is a bit more like something done to you/passive, it's seen more as a surgery maybe? You wouldn't tell someone well done for having their appendix out. Not that I don't think there's anything worth praising after a CS, if you've been through one you know it's definitely a 'well done' situation!

UsernameInTheTown · 26/04/2022 21:50

Who gives a fuck? My elective c section was ace and I don't have any post birth horror stories or injuries unlike many who give birth naturally. The last these poor fuckers deserve is a well done and a pat on the back.

MangyInseam · 26/04/2022 21:54

I think there is a kind of intuitive logic to it, when mothers giving birth are told they are doing/have done well, it's largely about encouragement. Because it is a very active event.

On the other hand a cs - and I have had four myself - is not like that, it's much more passive on the part of the mother. A lot of the medical team is also down on the other side of the screen. For the mum, it can feel more like something is being done to her rather than she is doing something.

I did have a very nice anesthetist who was encouraging and I appreciated it, but it was slightly different in tone, more around remaining calm and saying how things were going on the other side of the screen.

I can't say I really wished I'd been told well done but I can see how others might.

Original poster
OrlaOrka · 26/04/2022 21:55

Yeah I agree with lots of what has been said here. It definitely is maybe because it’s seen as a surgery and done for you and not something you do yourself. Also seen that you are numbed for the birth so must be the easy way out (it’s not) but I also agree that those poor women who yes had a vaginal birth but ended up with horrific perineal trauma have really had a raw deal, I cannot imagine how painful that is and I definitely would prefer c section recovery over that! I think for me I just meant that in future I would be more mindful of language I myself use in terms of every kind of birth as it doesn’t seem uncommon what’s been said here

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ldontWanna · 26/04/2022 22:01

I wish I had a C-section. Everything I worried about with a C-section, happened anyways with a vaginal delivery and DD might've not been in distress either.

As an aside, I was so out of it I still have no fucking idea what happened,what they gave me, what was going on and it happened to me(forceps assisted delivery) rather than me doing anything.

whumpthereitis · 26/04/2022 22:06

A c section is seen as an easy way out. I’ve no idea whether it is or isn’t, but even if it is I don’t see the issue. I don’t understand at all why anyone would choose to suffer more than they have to, under the impression that it’s somehow more noble to do so. Fuck that.

AHungryCaterpillar · 26/04/2022 22:09

I had to have two emcs and I agree there is a thing about it being an easy way out and I’ve even seen posts on Facebook congratulating those who have given birth naturally 🙄 if I didn’t have my emcs my son would have died

MozzarellaMonster · 26/04/2022 22:12

I've had both, first a C section and second vaginal. Luckily I never felt like I failed after my C section I just felt relieved to have had help and for the bloody thing to be done with.
I suppose I see both versions as hard work and traumatic. A Section is so painful, our bodies are amazing that we can heal up and be on our feet running around after a baby in a matter of weeks that I guess just a bit more praise for how hard recovery is.
I had a cut with my vaginal birth and forceps so that took just as long to heal although I could get up and about a lot quicker. Just think women need more credit for what a shit show birth is and that we are legends for getting through it regardless 😁

FairyPolkadot · 26/04/2022 22:13

Both mine were emm cs deliveries and I definitely felt that I was treated differently on the post natal ward on both occasions by some of the midwives. A couple made me cry. I didn’t particularly expect to be told well done but I also didn’t expect to be made to feel like that. I spoke to my community midwife about one of them in particular when I returned home. Turned out, this midwife was known for being extremely unkind. She visited me on the ward with another midwife and I was (and still am) amazed that they both sat there, reduced me to sobs and gave no comfort, only said ‘you should feel guilty’ and walked away. I despised being on those postnatal wards and was very pleased when they discharged me fairly quickly after dc2 birth.

Original poster
OrlaOrka · 26/04/2022 22:15

MozzarellaMonster · 26/04/2022 22:12

I've had both, first a C section and second vaginal. Luckily I never felt like I failed after my C section I just felt relieved to have had help and for the bloody thing to be done with.
I suppose I see both versions as hard work and traumatic. A Section is so painful, our bodies are amazing that we can heal up and be on our feet running around after a baby in a matter of weeks that I guess just a bit more praise for how hard recovery is.
I had a cut with my vaginal birth and forceps so that took just as long to heal although I could get up and about a lot quicker. Just think women need more credit for what a shit show birth is and that we are legends for getting through it regardless 😁

this ^

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JenniferBarkley · 26/04/2022 22:17

This wasn't my experience at all. Two sections, no vaginal deliveries. I had excellent care, and was certainly told more than once that I was doing well, and told to take care of myself and that I'd been through an ordeal etc.

I do think there is an issue with the conversation around natural birth, but I think it is more of an issue before the birth than after. In my very limited personal experience.

Ducksinthebath · 26/04/2022 22:19

I find the whole thing utterly bizarre. If your friend/sister/colleague announced they planned to have a tooth pulled with no pain relief you’d be appalled. Push a baby out with nothing but breathing and they’re heroic, brave, a warrior. The whole language and attitude around childbirth is just odd.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 26/04/2022 22:30

I agree - I was told I didn't do anything by a number of people when DD1 was delivered. OK, I didn't move, but I think the epidural not having taken when they made the incision was a pretty fucking big deal, along with the post op infection, wound reopening, adhesions and general ongoing pain.

DD2 was a VBAC and was by forceps after over 24 hours in labour. I was up by the morning, showering, obviously very tender, tired and I'd lost a fair amount of blood - but I was fine to get on with everyday stuff after the weekend like the school run (walking a little gingerly, mind). but I was treated like I'd done something far harder, when, from my perspective, I was feeling invincible, if a little battered and tired.

What I needed from the section was reassurance that I'd done something major (ie, surgery) and was doing great. Not being told that when I'd done something far easier physically and mentally than by first experience.

Choopi · 26/04/2022 22:37

I can't remember if anyone said we'll done or not but I had 2 very easy vaginally births less than 10mins pushing, no tears, up and about like normal the next day(I had both of mine late at night). I never really talk about my births because they were a breeze and I feel kind of guilty about it. I would definitely think being sliced open is the scarier, braver option than what I went through.

Womeninblack · 26/04/2022 22:39

I pushed identical dds out and I was classed as a “hero” on the maternity ward. Everyone was talking about me apparently, I was very pleased with myself 😌 But women having c sections are just as amazing in my opinion

xxcatcatcatxx · 29/04/2022 02:52

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