Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not invite MIL to wedding?

30 replies

Tigerandthetea · 25/04/2022 18:30

I’ll try to cut a long story short but I’ve posted before under another username. MIL is a narcissist and DH fell out with his family over a year ago. MIL definitely blames me. The fall out was that DH believes he’s been treated differently his whole life (I do agree) and was sick of feeling that way.

so last year we had our legal wedding. We were meant to get married abroad but Covid cancelled it. Our money was tied up in the venue so we decided we would do this event as a marriage celebration and party for anyone who wanted to come. MIL actually encouraged us to go with this venue and cancel our English one. We knew we wanted to get married so went to a register office and had a party after, we paid for everything and it was local to most our family and friends so required minimal effort/expense.

MIL upset DH on the wedding day and they left with them having argued (about unfair treatment again). We haven’t really spoken since but his sister has stopped inviting us places but we are on talking terms with his DB (he’s not done anything wrong but the sister has).

we wanted our abroad celebration to be easy going. No one has to come, most people want to and it’s fairly expense free as we’ve paid for accommodation and the event for the weekend. It’s a well connected city. I said a while ago, DH agreeing, that we didn’t want MIL or his sister and husband to come, we have invited BIL and his soon to be wife (his mum always tried to stop him proposing as she believes he can do better - simply because his fiancé is “fat”). We want this to be just a fun celebration with our closest friends and for it to be no pressure. I suppose it will be a doover for the negative feelings that tarred the first.

Recently we became aware of some messages his mum had sent to people before our legal wedding. How much she dreaded it, wished he’d say no and call it off and calling me nasty things. They didn’t show up to DH’s pre-wedding drinks so it was just the men in my family with him. His family went for lunch (didn’t invite him) and tagged it on social media as “family time” with no reference to the day. Now we have seen the messages, I suppose it all makes more sense!

Anyway, I’m now livid and whilst there may have been a chance of reconciliation before we knew of the messages, now there is none. I have made it clear that his mother will never be part of my life. DH agrees. However, his family talk so what do we do about not inviting his parents or his sister, but still invited BIL?

do we tell them? Had Covid not delayed it, they were invited.

OP posts:
Adhdnewmedsnewproblems · 25/04/2022 18:34

If you're going to cut them off anyway, then don't invite them. Just be prepared to tune out any drama they try to cause in the lead up.

141mum · 25/04/2022 18:34

Do not invite her, it will end in tears

SpindleInTheWind · 25/04/2022 18:36

You must do what you wish, and when families are this complicated I think you should; as whatever you do will be 'wrong' in the eyes of the pillocks. So you may as well enjoy yourselves.

Duchess379 · 25/04/2022 18:40

Just go no contact. Both you & DB will feel better for it. Stay in touch with BIL if you wish but just don't get 8nvolved with the WhatsApp messages & trivial posts on FB. 💕👍🏼

billy1966 · 25/04/2022 18:42

You have made you decision.

No apologies.

You are NC with them.

Invite his brother and do nothing else.

Allow his brother make his own decision.

You will never be peaceful with someone like that in your life.

Greensleeves · 25/04/2022 18:46

Invite her?! I'd have bouncers posted at the entrance to keep her out.

She sounds absolutely foul. I suspect the reason she hates you is because your DH is stronger and more confident with you, which doesn't work for her. Ditto his brother's partner. You'll all be much happier once you've cut her off for good. And don't feel guilty about hurting her, either. My experience of this sort of person is that they are ALWAYS unhappy, however much love, attention, appeasement and general bending-over-backwards is lavished on them. It's never enough. They will eat your entire life, and still not be satisfied. So just stop now - it sounds like your DH is ready to, which is great.

Original poster
Tigerandthetea · 25/04/2022 19:18

Thanks everyone.

I don’t want her to come. However I’m not sure how that will be communicated. Does DH text? Do we just await something?

she has text DH every few months since saying how she hopes we are all ok. I’m always the last initial “hope you, Dog 1, Dog 2 and T are ok” I am T. He wants to react but I think it’s better off rising above.

OP posts:
Moodycow78 · 25/04/2022 19:25

You don't need to tell them at all do you? You only need to inform the people who are invited. They'll find out about it from someone eventually but what do you care? Or are you saying they were initially invited and have an invitation and you now want to uninvite them?

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 25/04/2022 19:25

No, no contact. DH will have to tlak to DB to explain what he is doing, tell DB that he is invited but that isn't carte blanche to tell DM and start off a whole new fight. DBs choice as to whether he attends or not.

Do nothing. Just carry on organising, looking forward to it. And simply do not contact them!

If anyone contacts you DH can reply something short and blunt "No! This is our time, for us!"

Original poster
Tigerandthetea · 25/04/2022 20:40

@Moodycow78

so, the wedding was initially July 2021. Covid stopped it happening due to quarantine which we found out about in June 2021. They were invited to this. When quarantine happened we text saying we are postponing it to next year and they all gave their sympathies / it’ll be great then dw. We were low contact at this point. Pleasant in person if need be.

Legal wedding took place in July 2021 in England - this was always taking place for the legality and only parents were invited as main event was abroad. Due to postponement of abroad, we invited anyone who wanted to come (best man for example couldn’t make it) to witness this and we hired a pub for after with an open tab and food etc.

they know about the fact it’s postponed, BIL will 100% mention it to MIL. I don’t know what the actions will be from either side about this.

To make it more awkward, the new date happens to fall on MIL’s birthday.

OP posts:
Moodycow78 · 25/04/2022 21:52

Tigerandthetea · 25/04/2022 20:40

@Moodycow78

so, the wedding was initially July 2021. Covid stopped it happening due to quarantine which we found out about in June 2021. They were invited to this. When quarantine happened we text saying we are postponing it to next year and they all gave their sympathies / it’ll be great then dw. We were low contact at this point. Pleasant in person if need be.

Legal wedding took place in July 2021 in England - this was always taking place for the legality and only parents were invited as main event was abroad. Due to postponement of abroad, we invited anyone who wanted to come (best man for example couldn’t make it) to witness this and we hired a pub for after with an open tab and food etc.

they know about the fact it’s postponed, BIL will 100% mention it to MIL. I don’t know what the actions will be from either side about this.

To make it more awkward, the new date happens to fall on MIL’s birthday.

I'm so sorry but I couldn't help but laugh that the new wedding falls on MIL birthday 🤣🤣🤣 just don't overthink it, they're not worth it, they're not invited, don't communicate with them and if they find out so be it. Put them out of your mind and concentrate on looking forward to your wedding, you're taking up too much headspace with these people x

PaperTyger · 25/04/2022 22:17

Don't bother..I was pressured into having mine there

They added zeros to the moment, massively uncomfortable, if it wasn't for her it would simply have Been a beautiful day.
Don't Risk it.

Natty13 · 25/04/2022 23:17

I've been through similar in my extended family. Just don't invite them, don't contact them, don't bring them up to others,totally ignore their existence. Literally anything else will invite drama.

If anyone brings up the fact the mum and sister aren't invited you can either ignore it e.g.

Someone: "I noticed MILname and SILname weren't invited, blah blah blah"
You: "have you seen it's gping to beraining again tomorrow I better remember to bring my washing inside"

Or act you could reply and say "after the things they've said to and about me, why would they be invited?" Or even better "DH deals with his side of the family better ask him"

You are going to be the "bad guy" in their eyes no matter what you do so do whatever will preserve your sanity and happiness without a second thought to them.

Original poster
Tigerandthetea · 25/04/2022 23:45

Thanks everyone.

all other guests know the drama (we keep a small circle) and commented on my in laws behaviour - all acted atrociously.

MIL wore black which I joked was for a funeral at the time but from the messages I saw from before the wedding, she said she wore black to upset me as it’s for a funeral.

OP posts:
StageRage · 26/04/2022 00:14

Just go for your wedding.

If I was your DH I would send her and FIL a message: Hi parents, just to let you know that the dates have finally come good and we will be celebrating our wedding in (month…don’t specify exact date) in xxx. place. I am aware from the messages sent xxx that this isn’t an event you wish to celebrate, so I haven’t embarrassed you with an invitation. But just letting you know what is going on. I could not be happier than to be marrying Tiger and will be focussing in my life with her from now on. Best , your son…

Tell BIL he is welcome, without pressure, to do as he pleases

Indicatrice · 26/04/2022 04:16

Just ignore them all. They will find a way to ruin this do over wedding as well.

timeisnotaline · 26/04/2022 04:55

Just go, you don’t need to tell her in any way. But forgive your bil if he doesn’t come - having it on your mils birthday does make it very much a choose your sides and it’s not fair on him really.

ittakes2 · 26/04/2022 06:07

Your m’n’law sounds awful but there is a concerning number of ‘I’ in your text.
“Anyway, I’m now livid and whilst there may have been a chance of reconciliation before we knew of the messages, now there is none.”
“ I have made it clear that his mother will never be part of my life. DH agrees.”
“I don’t want her to come.”
”The fall out was that DH believes he’s been treated differently his whole life (I do agree) and was sick of feeling that way.”

I get what she has done to you but when people write information their thoughts show through. What you have written is largely about you. You have written ‘I’ rather than ‘we’.

My m’n’law decided she did not like my f’n’laws family and she was so bitter I could clearly see that if f’n’law ever wanted to reconcile with his family it would have been impossible for him to consider it because of her feelings. Maybe he didn’t want to reconcile - but we’ll never know. I think you need to take a step back from this and let your husband drive it. It’s his family - he should be the one making these decisions to cut people off on his own without influence from you. It’s ok if he decides he wants to because of their treatment of you - but he has to make the decision on his own because there may be no going back. You don’t want him to feel like he has to because of your feelings do you?
Other posters think your wedding celebrations falling on your m’n’laws birthday is funny. I think it’s a red flag. It’s not as if your hubby or you did not know this was her birthday when you booked it - why if you dislike her so much would you want this date associated with her birthday? You’ve put so many wedding dates back due to covid there was no reason to accept this date. You are married now - sounds like you had some sort of social celebration on the day and now you are having another one. I’m sorry having had a legal wedding and trying to have another social get together at another date it is hard do recapture the essence of a wedding. I am not sure leaving his family out is going to have as much impact on them as you seem to think it might.

AzazaelsFury · 26/04/2022 06:08

I wouldn't invite. If we got married today my MIL wouldn't be invited. One of my kids is getting married soon and this is their grandmother who hasn't seen any of my kids in many years. She has zero interest and won't be invited. She does sometimes text my husband a half hearted whinge about how she would like to see him or abuses him for something he didn't know he even did since we don't see her....... Some people, blood related or not, don't belong in your life.

Eggshelly · 26/04/2022 06:13

Just don't invite them. They'll probably do some massive thing for MILS birthday and post family pictures again. Just ignore.

Eggshelly · 26/04/2022 06:14

If she does mention it directly be blunt and say she didn't seem to enjoy the wedding much so thought she wouldn't be interested

AlternativePerspective · 26/04/2022 06:25

I agree with ittakes2 sorry this new bloody update won’t let me tag posters.)

you have very much made this about you, and your dh is seemingly going along with what you want.

There is no way organising this weekend on her birthday wasn’t deliberate, and tbh while I can understand that you’re upset you’re the one coming across badly here.

You need to let your DH do the deciding. And if he wants to invite his mum then that needs to be his decision. You need to take a step back or you run the risk of creating a real rift between him and his family.

Autienotnaughtie · 26/04/2022 06:32

If your going nc. I'd do it properly no messages/socials that way your not hearing the crap. Just send invites to those you want to invite.

FrankRattlesnake · 26/04/2022 06:53

You need to sit down with DH and discuss whether reconciliation is something he wants. Going NC is very hard so getting some therapy to help with the emotions would be advisable.

her behaviour is of course appalling.

if NC then there is no need to engage with them at all. Remove from social media, WhatsApp and the like and move on.

no discussion about the wedding needed. You can continue with your event without a second thought. With regard to BIL it’s up to him if he tells MiL about the wedding. I do think you are being provocative by holding it on her birthday though - you may find that BIL does not attend because of some obligation to his mum for attending her birthday event (because she will surely have one that day and put pressure on him to attend). But this isn’t about bil.

so my advice is NC, therapy and get on with your life

SunshineAndFizz · 26/04/2022 07:16

Don't invite them. Don't contact them about it. After their behaviour they aren't owed that respect. No doubt they'll hear about it - doubt they'll contact you about it but if they do just direct them to your DH and let him explain why they aren't welcome.