To get so upset and over dramatic over DH's words during arguments

[OrientalDaisy]

I have a habit of taking words said in a heated moment really close to heart and have trouble letting go of small fights.

A few days ago my DH of 8 years and I had an argument that started over nothing really but is still ongoing with us constantly trying to hurt each others feelings. I am a SAHM at the moment and he is working full time. He helps out a lot with the kids (6 and 2 years), reads to them, washes the dishes basically all the usual stuff. He is a good person and a lovely dad but sometimes I feel like he is really annoyed with us all. For example he is not the morning person and for the past months he's woken up complaining that kids were being too loud, that he needed coffee ASAP, how exhausted he was, etc. Every single morning I am the one to get up earlier and get the day going so to speak. Recently I started getting really overwhelmed with day to day routine and feel that although we spend a lot of time together it is not really a quality time such as trips away as a family , more us staying at home watching something. He also started saying how he wants to leave the UK and live and work somewhere in the US or China. I sometimes feel like our life with 2 children is not something he fully expected it to be like .

The argument itself was him wanting to go to a football match and meet up with his college friends who live in the other part of the country. It wasn't a problem at all and I told him of course he could go. He then spent the whole Sunday deciding on the tickets, notifying all his friends, arranging plans like it is some big event . I don't know why but it really irritated me, maybe because I cannot leave my kids on the same terms. Anyway I didn't say much and just told him that it wasn't some big event so there was no need constantly bringing it up to me which he understood as me being incredibly jealous and bitter because of that. The minor argument led to lot of hurtful words how I take fun out of everything and that is why he would much rather do that than go anywhere with me. I've been going through a rough few weeks with depression and he also brought it up saying that my issues are my issues and should work hard to resolve them instead of dragging him and the whole family down with me. I found it really upsetting because I trusted him a lot discussing different things that led to my depression. I also supported him through a lot of struggles of his own in the years we've been together and would never say anything of that kind to him.

He is now really cold to me and I feel completely alone. Am I being unreasonable to think over and over everything he said or should I just treat this argument as one of many?

But you did start an arguement for no reason and take the wind out his sails - he was excited to be planning a trip with his friends and I think anyone would be annoyed by your response and you come across as very bitter. If you have a problem with it arrange a trip to an event you want to see with your friends?

If you were excited to plan a trip with your friends, how would that go? Does it happen? Would he facilitate it? Would you be upset if he got irritated by your planning it?

Why are there many arguments?

You are jealous of his ability to make and enjoy making plans, you say so. Ideally you’d have left him to his planning fun and then separately discussed doing something nice for yourself.

Depression isn’t fun for anyone, not for you and not for those close to you. Are you getting proper help and support for it or are you expecting him to be your sole sounding board?

Hmm… it sounds like you created the issue by telling him his trip with his friends was no big deal. He was just excitedly planning something with his friends!
However I can see why you’d be frustrated about the fact that he never excitedly plans things with you and the family, and that you don’t get the same opportunity for trips away.
It can be very hard living with someone with depression, and while it doesn’t excuse him throwing it in your face, it sounds like he had just reached the end of his tether. Are you getting help for your depression?
Sounds like you need a proper, calm talk about it all. If you want time away with your friends, tell him that.

Good questions. Most of my friends are mums too at the moment so the activities we usually go to together involve children too (and lots of coffee). I accepted that as my life and enjoy it. There was a situation just a few weeks back however when I went to a concert with a friend of mine, first time ever after DCs and left both of my kids with DH and my mother in law who was visiting at the time. I had to leave early as I was getting a lot of messages that kids were being uncontrollable and were refusing to go to sleep without me. I grabbed a taxi and returned to find both of them really distressed because they were over tired, my mother in law was just shouting how she has never seen kids who don't sleep in her life and what is going on', my husband lost complete control of the situation and was just arguing with everyone. It was almost 11 and I was terrified that neighbours were gonna come. I just didn't see it as a situation that was under control at all, I just took both of my kids and slept with them on a big bed as they seemed both so distressed. So that was my one night out.

A football match involving several people getting tickets and meeting up in another part of the country IS a big event and does need a lot of planning.

If I was really looking forward to something, I would be really pissed off if someone moaned at me for being excited about it.

Also, you say he is working full time and also does his share with the kids and the housework. It also sounds like your main topic of conversation with him is your dissatisfaction with your life, and your unhappiness. He is also clearly unhappy, but somehow you're only thinking about your feelings here and expecting him to be the one who listens all the time. Then he has a nice thing to look forward to you and you resent him and try to bring him down by sneering at his excitement. I don't think it's surprising that he's reached the end of his tether and snapped.

Are you getting professional help with your depression? Because it sounds like you're in a place where you're struggling to see anything beyond it - which is horrible for you, and also hard for the people around you.

It sounds like you are both bad at communicating.

Sometimes it's because we don't want to hurt the other person, but if important things aren't said (I need you to help more in the morning/ I would like you to seek help for your depression) then it builds up & ends up being a snarky comment to deliberately piss someone off, or blurted out in an argument, both of which happened here.

Ah, so you have a 'DH who can't look after his children solo' problem. That changes things a bit because it's much more understandable you would be jealous if you feel unable to grab the same opportunities he does because he's unable to cope for an evening with his own children.

A note on my depression. Its been under control for a long period of time and I've not been on any medication for a while. I didn't want to bring it up in this post for that very reason. Unfortunately, half of my family has been affected by the war in Ukraine and it triggered lots of emotions as well as a feeling of hopelessness. I find it hard to forgive him for throwing it in my face considering the situation and saying that these are only my problems and shouldn't affect him planning a trip with his friends.

OP, that's a ridiculous performance from your husband. He actually ought to be ashamed of himself. I don't go out often either, but I did last night. I didn't ask, my husband didn't need back up from anyone to take over childcare, he didn't contact me once, I came home when I came home and everything was fine. We had a little chat when I got home about how my evening went and he was glad I had a nice time.

If you can't even go out for one evening and enjoy yourself, I can fully understand why you'd feel irritated.

I feel like every time I leave the house there is some massive catastrophe and I am very worried how he is going to cope when I start work even part time and when the whole dynamics of the family life will change completely.

P.s Sorry for drip feeding

Was he in the least bit abashed at his total inability to manage his children for a few hours? Was he embarrassed you felt you had to leave your event to come and bail him out? He has made any efforts to make sure it doesn't happen again, such as doing solo bedtimes with the kids with you in the house, etc?

Honestly, it sounds like you started this argument for no reason.

But equally, it sounds like neither of you want to be in this relationship. Never, in 15 years with my partner have either of us intentionally tried to hurt the others feelings, I don't understand why either of you would want to do that. To be honest, it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship and both of you and your kids would probably be happier if you split

You need to plan a night out yourself and tell him he needs to practise so that he is able to look after his own DCs. Agree with him, you are jealous, you are jealous of him having a partner who he can trust to look after the DCs while he is out!

You have a dh problem.

Why is he incapable of coping on his own op? Every other father manages it.
I think he needs more practice, and would say so. Every Friday I would go out, and give him the chance to refine his parenting skills, that should solve the problem within a fortnight when he realises you mean it.

You are enabling him to opt out, and he is deliberately being useless so you don't go out again. That is a form of control op. Keep going out, and if he is hurting you with what he says then that needs addressing as well. He is not a great Dad if he can't manage for a few hours on his own, learned helplessness springs to mind.

Sorry perhaps it does come across in the post like that but it is not the case. We went through a lot more difficult situations than that in 8 years we've been together and always worked together as a team. It is just something that made me really upset recently. I might now be overanalysing everything else. I am certain that splitting up is not the option over this one thing. I guess I just need to hear some advice how to approach the situation and how to not take everything so close to heart. Perhaps its just a rocky stage .

1. you both need to communicate better. Maybe some marriage Councelling focused on this
2. You probably need a weekend away. The kids will survive - it won’t be perfect but they will be ok. Don’t come back unless kids/dad get really sick. My DH was always super happy to see me after I had a night or too away. Let him do things his way. Praise him on your return.

You also have other stresses in your life right now. Be aware of that. Try and do something nice just the two of you. The kids will be ok if you are not there.

How does this situation come about? Does he not do bedtimes ever in your house when you’re both home?

Good tip about him practising this more often. To be honest his mum being there at the time didn't help as she was just stressing out and shouting for no reason and getting kids more and more upset. They don't see her very often so my husband claims they were distressed more because of her being there. Who knows now what went off . But yes agree wouldn't have happened with me being there.

We normally take one kid each 🙈

So on the face of your OP, YABU - he is allowed to get excited about planning a trip. And it is a big thing and J would have been just as pissed of with you too for trying to play it down and take the fun out of it.

BUT - there seems to be a lot more to this than you say in your OP. You sound resentful because you do the majority of the childcare and you don't get any time to yourself because he is not stepping up when being left alone with the kids. THAT is the issue, and THAT is why you had an argument. It wasn't nice of him to bring up your depression but as I said, there seem to be much more to it than just an argument.

You won’t like this but can you consider a return to your career?

Most of my friends are mums too at the moment so the activities we usually go to together involve children too (and lots of coffee)

arghh - it makes me want to scream.

You also mentioned he "helps with the kids"

Go on trips with your friends without the children. Just like he is doing. And as you know if there is more than one person it's not just a matter of booking it and it's done in 10 minutes. You seem to have spoiled a bit of his fun there

But this dragging on for ages and ages? You two need to sort this childish bickering out.

Have you pointed out to him that him planning his big day out rubbed you up the wrong way because, when you got your night out, he totally ruined it by being useless?

I did but he always says 'you can do anything you want to, I wouldn't stop you'. When it comes to something however it takes a long time to confirm the date he can take over the kids as he is always extra busy with work, kids get sick, once our oldest DS got covid right before something I planned and it gets too complicated somehow all the time when it comes to me doing something. To be honest I guess I worry that he finds himself wanting his old life back and freedom of making decisions like that on the spot. I however do actually enjoy doing a lot of things with kids, I do find that its my life now and therefore I get up earlier to prep for the day, book holiday activities, make friends with mums from nurseries /schools to have this support. Most of my friends are mums like myself so we can relate to each other. His group of friends are all single guys going out all the time except for 1 of them and they cannot comprehend most of the things and decisions we make as a family at all. He says he loves what we have but during silly arguments like that a lot comes out .