To get so upset and over dramatic over DH's words during arguments

[OrientalDaisy]

I have a habit of taking words said in a heated moment really close to heart and have trouble letting go of small fights.

A few days ago my DH of 8 years and I had an argument that started over nothing really but is still ongoing with us constantly trying to hurt each others feelings. I am a SAHM at the moment and he is working full time. He helps out a lot with the kids (6 and 2 years), reads to them, washes the dishes basically all the usual stuff. He is a good person and a lovely dad but sometimes I feel like he is really annoyed with us all. For example he is not the morning person and for the past months he's woken up complaining that kids were being too loud, that he needed coffee ASAP, how exhausted he was, etc. Every single morning I am the one to get up earlier and get the day going so to speak. Recently I started getting really overwhelmed with day to day routine and feel that although we spend a lot of time together it is not really a quality time such as trips away as a family , more us staying at home watching something. He also started saying how he wants to leave the UK and live and work somewhere in the US or China. I sometimes feel like our life with 2 children is not something he fully expected it to be like .

The argument itself was him wanting to go to a football match and meet up with his college friends who live in the other part of the country. It wasn't a problem at all and I told him of course he could go. He then spent the whole Sunday deciding on the tickets, notifying all his friends, arranging plans like it is some big event . I don't know why but it really irritated me, maybe because I cannot leave my kids on the same terms. Anyway I didn't say much and just told him that it wasn't some big event so there was no need constantly bringing it up to me which he understood as me being incredibly jealous and bitter because of that. The minor argument led to lot of hurtful words how I take fun out of everything and that is why he would much rather do that than go anywhere with me. I've been going through a rough few weeks with depression and he also brought it up saying that my issues are my issues and should work hard to resolve them instead of dragging him and the whole family down with me. I found it really upsetting because I trusted him a lot discussing different things that led to my depression. I also supported him through a lot of struggles of his own in the years we've been together and would never say anything of that kind to him.

He is now really cold to me and I feel completely alone. Am I being unreasonable to think over and over everything he said or should I just treat this argument as one of many?

Your husband is a twat who can't look after his own kids.
I'd get a job asap.
PS as per your post , he doesn't 'help' with the kids, they're his kids.

Thank you for you advice. I agree that in some ways he started taking me for granted maybe and started saying things like 'he's been stuck with us (me and the kids) over all those years' during arguments . Perhaps it will be a good thing that he goes and will make him appreciate that our little world that we created is not actually that bad and maybe he will even miss me a little.

The more you say, the worse the dynamic sounds. I’m a SAHM myself and not anti it in the way a lot of Mumsnet is, but in this case I do think it’s a good thing you’re going back to work.

I am also not against being a SAHM. Yes, we are on the waiting list for a few nurseries so once we get a place our youngest will hopefully start in August. Then I am planning to seek employment/training whatever. I did however work in early childhood education before so I am always around children more than adults anyway.

In your position I’d start by apologising for showing so much irritation that he was planning an event and looking forward to it. It probably did come across as if you were jealous and taking the fun out of everything, and people who do that are hard work to live with.

I don't get the fun out of anything to be honest. But life in general can be pretty tough and some couples go through more struggle than others no? Hard work doesn't mean its not worth it though. My husband struggled with unemployment for almost 2 years and had a period of depression because of that too for example but I kept on encouraging him to consider different options and to believe in himself. He eventually landed a very good job that he got now. Was he hard to live with during that period of his life? Very. But we went through that. Is it my fault that some of my relatives and friends are being bombed at the moment and I am worried sick about them? I think its a normal reaction doesn't mean I am spoiling someone's fun.

So the middle of his Big Day Out you bombard him with messages to come home as the dc are being terrible..
Bet my last quid he ignores you. No wonder you are pissed off and have depression.. He may help out with practical bits but you carry the actual weight of the responsibilities of having dc..

Is it my fault that some of my relatives and friends are being bombed at the moment and I am worried sick about them? I think its a normal reaction doesn't mean I am spoiling someone's fun

While I can’t imagine how horrific that is for you, why does that mean your partner can’t be excited while planning a trip away with his friends?

He sounds like a useless twat who is very good and turning things round on you. YOU don’t have a problem with taking things personally in arguments - HE has a problem with using personal insults in arguments!!!

Good at*

There's so much to this.
Yabu for complaining about him planning his trip.
Im truly sorry for what you're through with your family- that sounds tough and of course it will have taken an impact on your mental health - however its your job to get help for this as best you can.
Next, your husband is also BU.
He doesn't 'help' with the kids. They're his kids and he's doing his share. Simple as that.
If he contacts you again when you're out, let him sort it. If his mum was making things more difficult, he's a big boy and he's capable of asking her to leave.

Wtf? Apologise to a twat who can’t take care of his own kids for an evening and then rubs it in his wife’s day all day that he is going away for the weekend?

Please tell him if you move to US, China or Timbuktu that life with young children remains essentially the same unless at the level it's dirt cheap to have live in childcare and housekeepers etc - It doesn't magically transform your life!! It still involves work, housework, childcare , disagreements etc

I don't understand how do you get help from war? I've been on the antidepressants before they help but no they wouldn't take a situation away in that particular instance.What do you mean by its your job to get it sorted as soon as possible? Life is not that simple, is it? Sorry don't mean it as an offense with you specifically but just something I observed around me a lot. People constantly thinking that relationships are all about good times and joy.

Thats my point! Our children were born in a different country and our life was pretty much the same. He wasn't unhappy. It seems now when he hangs out with his single friends from college the more he feels trapped or the more he complains. Family life unfortunately involves a lot of routine and you have to learn to find joy in that too.

Of course they’re not all about good times and joy.
But even in bad times, it’s not wrong to get excited about planning a weekend away.

You have 3 major problems:

• (1) you aren't getting any break from childcare and this is leading to burnout and excerbating your MH issues
• (2) you and your husband don't communicate in a constructive way and say things you may not mean just to hurt each other
• (3) all your interactions with DH seem to be about childcare and you're not spending quality time together as a family or a couple, so you're growing further apart

The way you describe things gives me the impression you feel helpless to change the dynamic - you don't know how he can cope if you leave the house for an evening much less a job, the war in Ukraine which you have no ability to change means you're stuck with depression, etc. But you have more power than you think.

To address (1), you need to get your husband used to doing bedtime for both children. I'm not sure if you currently switch which DC you each do or if he always does DC1 while you do DC2 and so he's unfamiliar with their bedtime routine? I don't know what exactly caused the catastrophe on your night out but supposing your 2 year old wasn't doing well at bedtime and was screaming, this would prevent the 6 year old from getting to sleep - it could just be that one child's bedtime is the issue here. He probably tried to get MIL to do the other child (taking over your role) and it didn't work out. This is very fixable.

Which brings us to the MIL. You say they don't see her very often, but why's that? Unless she's horrible, that's a great resource you have for free childcare. Maybe she can come around more and learn your bedtime routine so she can follow it and then the DC can grow more familiar with her and won't be distressed by her presence?

To address (2), your DH is being cold and distant because he's avoidant. Neither of you are in a good mood right now from this. You're both having days ruined from it. Neither of you are feeling like a winner here. You have valid reasons for feeling upset and so does he. You've both made the situation worse by saying hurtful things to each other so now you need to hear that the other person didn't mean it to undo the damage.

If your DH is loving and a good person, he will respond positively in kind to goodwill gesture and won't just use it to gloat that he won. Here's how I'd generally approach it... (after the kids are put to bed, and allowing him a say in between some points):

• I hate how things are between us right now. I don't want it to be like this. You were right, I was being jealous and bitter about your trip. I feel like I don't get the fun out of anything to be honest, though I shouldn't have spoiled your excitement because of that

• I don't want your trip to be overshadowed by us fighting so I want find solutions with you together

• I feel like I can't leave the house; I worry about how you are going to cope and it makes me feel like I can't have a night out or go back to work

• One of my biggest anxieties is that you don't want the life we have and want your old one back. I know you've reassured me before that you love what we have but when we fight and you say you're stuck with us, it really hurts. I think this is also why I got jealous of your trip with your single friends.

• lately I've been getting so overwhelmed by the day-to-day routine. I really want us to have quality time together. But it feels like you don't want the same when I'm told you'd rather be out with your friends than go anywhere with me. It hurts so much to hear that because I want to do things with you

I think if you're open and honest and KEEP CALM you will get earnestness in response. You can then talk about trying some nights where he puts the other DC to bed if he hasn't been, some nights he tries to put both to bed, planned nights where you can go out without being bombarded with texts (it won't kill them to get to bed a bit later if it's not a school night and he should be able to handle them while they're sick), MIL coming over more often perhaps, whether he feels you're leaning on him too much by talking to him about your depression and what he can do instead to support you better, planning family/couple activities for the future, etc.

If at any time the discussion threatens to escalate negatively, just say "we've been talking about this for a while. Let's have a break and come back to this tomorrow ok". Then you can talk about it again when you've both cooled off and have had time to think about what the other person said.

Thank you so very much for your constructive advise. Honestly, I really appreciate that a lot. All of the problems raised by you are true and I think we are just a bit stuck in this routine at the moments. In the evening my husband messaged saying that he wasn't having the best day at work (I think it was an alright day but he wanted to start a conversation with me somehow) we discussed all of the issues and admitted that we didn't mean most of what we said and we should try to communicate better and not let arguments get to this stage. We agreed that after his weekend away he will take over so I can go to the movies in the evening even if its just by myself to get some time to relax and eat popcorn .

MIL is not really an option. She lives in the other part of the country, she still works full time and we see her twice a year max for 1 week. There is no question of childcare here unless we move her in with us, she quits her job and we sponsor her. My family is spread between different countries and both of my husband's parents still work full time and got their own lives. Its basically us and our 2 kids which we are quite used to by now to be honest but certain things do need adjusting especially if it spills into a competition of who is tired the most. Thank you once again for your input 🌸🌸🌸