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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

50/50 Contact

50 replies

Another2022 · 25/04/2022 12:27

Thought I’d ask the question here as I’d like some mum options please.

Me and my wife separated last October and a few weeks ago I finally bought my own house and have furnished it.

Me and my ex have almost agreed on a custody schedule:

I pick up the kids (4 of them ages 5-11) on a Tuesday after school and they stay with me until Thursday morning drop off. We then have alternate weekends with them.

The sticking point is I think we should have them from Friday pick up until Monday morning drop off at school, she’s insisting that it’s until 4pm on Sunday.

There are no safeguarding issues and the kids have a lovely house with decent bedrooms etc at both houses.

AIBU by asking for 50/50 shared care and them staying until Monday?

OP posts:
MrsH1983 · 25/04/2022 12:30

It's not unreasonable to ask for 50/50 at all if you feel you can manage that with work schedules etc.

Is there a reason why she wants Sunday 4:00 pm as opposed to Monday at school?

Hospedia · 25/04/2022 12:32

If she won't have seen them since the Friday morning I don't think she's been unreasonable to want to have them at hers for teatime on the Sunday so that she can have a catch up with them before school on Monday, especially as you'll have them the Tuesday anyway.

If you're amicable and on the same page aside from the one day, is it worth upsetting the apple cart for the sake of teatime on Sunday vs school drop off on Monday? There needs to be a bit of compromise.

Original poster
Another2022 · 25/04/2022 12:33

She’s not given me a reason other than that’s what she wants so they can be ready for school on Monday (they would be ready just as well here btw).

OP posts:
Original poster
Another2022 · 25/04/2022 12:35

@Hospedia It works both ways, for instance this week I won’t see them from drop off Thursday morning until Tuesday pick up next week.

OP posts:
ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 25/04/2022 12:35

Either options sounds like a horrible schedule for the children, changing homes every few days. Would you like to live like that?

titchy · 25/04/2022 12:36

Presumably with 50/50 you wouldn't be paying any CM which is why she doesn't want 50/50?

Hospedia · 25/04/2022 12:40

Well yes it does work both ways but my point is that of you've amicably agreed all of the other contact and you have a good parenting relationship, is it worth insisting on this one detail? If she won't back down then your only option would be to go to court to formalise the arrangement with a chance they'd agree with them going back on the Sunday evening anyway.

I'd have a think about whether it's worth souring the partnership you have at the moment or whether it would be better to return them the Sunday evening for the time being and then broach it again in a few months once everyone is used to the shared care arrangements by which time it won't feel so unusual for the children to be spending time at both homes.

Original poster
Another2022 · 25/04/2022 12:42

@ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave I think it’s the best compromise we’re going to get. Both houses are nice loving homes so should be ok.

@titchy I don’t think it’s abou cm, her schedule and my wage means it would be less than £200 going her way and I’m still paying for there energy and broadband and other things which is over double that. I don’t intend to stop this either way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Another2022 · 25/04/2022 12:44

@Hospedia I have backed down and agreed to it for both the kids sake and mine. If I pressed it she would take it to court and I don’t want that. We’re not amicable at the moment because of this.

OP posts:
MrsH1983 · 25/04/2022 12:48

This is just my opinion but that sounds like a lot of back and forth for the kids. Tuesday to Thursday one week and then you would pick them up Friday again for the weekend every 2 weeks? Hope I've understood that right.

My husband has a schedule like this:

Week 1 - Friday to Monday
Week 2 - Wednesday to Friday

Have you thought about school holidays, Christmas, birthdays, other special occasions etc?

Baby3at40 · 25/04/2022 12:52

I agree that Friday to Monday is best. My ex and I have 5050 of my teen and it looks like this:

Me:Monday and Tuesday
Him: Wednesday and Thursday
Every other weekend Friday to Monday

It also means you don't really see each other unless it's school holidays and you both can go away with the child for a full weekend.

Hope she agrees as it works really well

Original poster
Another2022 · 25/04/2022 13:01

@MrsH1983 Nearly, I have them Tuesday to Thursday every week. It’s her scheduling idea and I doubt she’d go for anything else. Anyway, I wasn’t really asking for a critique of the schedule, rather was I asking for whether Sundays on the weekends here was unreasonable.

@Baby3at40 Yes, the not seeing each other would be good but we need to be a bit flexible on that one. Having all the changeovers at school would be good as it would mean we only need to worry about school uniforms being shared between the houses.

OP posts:
Original poster
Another2022 · 25/04/2022 13:02

Oh @MrsH1983 not got to school hols etc yet…that’ll be another hurdle for the future

OP posts:
MrsH1983 · 25/04/2022 13:04

Another2022 · 25/04/2022 13:01

@MrsH1983 Nearly, I have them Tuesday to Thursday every week. It’s her scheduling idea and I doubt she’d go for anything else. Anyway, I wasn’t really asking for a critique of the schedule, rather was I asking for whether Sundays on the weekends here was unreasonable.

@Baby3at40 Yes, the not seeing each other would be good but we need to be a bit flexible on that one. Having all the changeovers at school would be good as it would mean we only need to worry about school uniforms being shared between the houses.

It's not unreasonable, you should get a full weekend as she does.

megletthesecond · 25/04/2022 13:06

What do the kids want? Changing homes every couple of days sounds miserable. I'm glad my parents didn't try that.

Surely it would be better for the kids to stay in one house and you and their mum move back and forth.

wouldthatbeworse · 25/04/2022 13:08

Sunday evenings are generally a bit shit and not worth squabbling over. I think you need some flexibility on 4 pm as it doesn’t allow for day trips/parties/sporting fixtures/life

wouldthatbeworse · 25/04/2022 13:10

Also is any if this about your ex being able to say she has greater custody so more say on X, Y and Z

DoraTheScottishExplorer · 25/04/2022 13:15

If things aren't amicable I'd push for dropping at school Monday morning, I think the biggest trauma of my childhood was Sunday evening handovers, although a lot of that was due to my mum's deep love of arguments.

WTF475878237NC · 25/04/2022 13:18

I am grateful I wasn't living like this and much preferred having one home base and seeing the other parent for pick up, play time, dinner etc or daytimes at weekends but overall going home most nights. Is this what the kids want?

Original poster
Another2022 · 25/04/2022 13:18

@wouldthatbeworse Sunday evenings are like any other evening and I love being with them all the time so we’ll with it (not the squabbling over them!) I’ve got no idea if it’s so she can have a greater say about stuff.

@megletthesecond its a great idea but both me and my ex need our own place so we can move on with our lives. It just wouldn’t work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Another2022 · 25/04/2022 13:20

@WTF475878237NC

The kids are happy at both houses, they want to be with us both. Are you suggesting they should stay with me and their mum can come visit?

OP posts:
Original poster
Another2022 · 25/04/2022 13:21

@DoraTheScottishExplorer This will no doubt be an issue

OP posts:
DoraTheScottishExplorer · 25/04/2022 13:27

Another2022 · 25/04/2022 13:21

@DoraTheScottishExplorer This will no doubt be an issue

Maybe suggest you go with her plan for now but handovers are fraught or distressing for the DC the arrangement needs reviewed.

RandomMess · 25/04/2022 13:59

If you agree to this now and it becomes a pattern then it's more likely the court would support it.

How about week on week off but the other parent has them after school and for tea Tue and Thurs when it isn't their week.

It's perfectly reasonable for you to want a full weekend with the DC EOW including a Sunday evening.

You could offer the compromise of one weekend you will drop back at 6pm and the alternate one you will keep them overnight.

Original poster
Another2022 · 25/04/2022 14:05

@RandomMess she won’t compromise I’m afraid, it’ll go to court if she doesn’t get her way.

OP posts:
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