50/50 Contact

[Another2022]

Thought I’d ask the question here as I’d like some mum options please.

Me and my wife separated last October and a few weeks ago I finally bought my own house and have furnished it.

Me and my ex have almost agreed on a custody schedule:

I pick up the kids (4 of them ages 5-11) on a Tuesday after school and they stay with me until Thursday morning drop off. We then have alternate weekends with them.

The sticking point is I think we should have them from Friday pick up until Monday morning drop off at school, she’s insisting that it’s until 4pm on Sunday.

There are no safeguarding issues and the kids have a lovely house with decent bedrooms etc at both houses.

AIBU by asking for 50/50 shared care and them staying until Monday?

Well 50:50 is the starting point and there seems no reason why it shouldn't be.

TBH try mediation then go to court.

I think it's completely understandable to want the full weekend with them- what if you wanted to take them away somewhere? And for all the people making judgemental comments about the timetable- well you really have no idea how you would have responded when you were a child, plus you are not in his family and have no idea how the kids are managing- I'm sure he knows his children better than we do!

OP I share care of my kids 50/50- I would love to have them more but of course so would their dad! Do you think your ex is bluffing about court? And actually if you did go to court, wouldn't there be a good chance they would give you the Sunday night?

This isn't really a good enough reason. What can she do in terms of getting them ready for school that you cannot? If nothing, then she's unreasonable.

@Sofielou no, nothing different in terms of getting them ready for school.

@cardboardbox24 yes weekends away will be stressful because I’ll be worried about the Sunday afternoon argument if we don’t make it back in time. Yes she’d go all the way to court for this, she simply won’t back down or compromise.

My children go to ex every other weekend and I insist on them coming home on a Sunday due to his shoddy level of care. He doesn’t brush their teeth or hair properly, feeds them shit food, let’s them stay up late and doesn’t do any homework. He would like to keep them til Monday morning but it wouldn’t set them up for a week at school well at all.
It’s frustrating because it would be much easier if he kept them all weekend and dropped them back to school as then we wouldn’t have to be constantly swapping over items between our houses (he has to bring me a set of uniform and all their school stuff and I have to give him back a set of home clothes every week) nor would we be seeing each other when we aren’t always amicable, but he refuses to improve on any of the issues I’ve raised. So I get them back at 3 on a Sunday, filthy and exhausted and have to be the bad guy who straightens them out. It’s definitely not quality time. Basically what I’m saying is Sunday evening handover is a pita and I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t have such a good reason to, so I’d imagine either your ex has good reason for insisting on it or else hopefully she will realise quickly it’s not worth it!

Who was the main carer for the DC before you split or was it 50:50?

@user1471598758 they get fed proper meals here and have clean clothes and are made to to their teeth and wash etc. They get to stay up Friday and Saturday but Sunday is a school night so normal school night rules apply. My ex knows all this.

She was a stay at home mum so did the school runs. She also did most of the cooking, However she spent a lot of time away with her friends or out doing hobbies at the weekends so I took over then. Mornings before school and evenings/bedtime were always split 50/50.

I think the tricky thing is that it's still in the theory stage. Your ex might very quickly realise that never having a Sunday night to herself isn't that great, for example if she wants to go away somewhere with friends. However, you can't rely on that happening. My ex and I agreed that we would try out our agreed arrangements for nine months and then review- would it help to have something like that in writing?

@cardboardbox24 again, she’s very unlikely to agree to any kind of review. I agree, she’s only going to change her mind about it if it impacts her in some way.

I think it’s the best compromise we’re going to get. Both houses are nice loving homes so should be ok.

I'm not talking about the best compromise for you and your ex. What's best for your children?

Would you want to change houses every couple of days?

@ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave so are you suggesting they should spend the majority of the time with me and eow at their mums house?

If she was SAHM she was the main carer.

I think it would be good for the DC to know they’re going to be in the same house every Sunday night to get ready for the school week. Routine is important and they’ve already had to deal with a lot of change.

Ok can you suggest mediation before court then? She must have her reasons for wanting them Sunday night, perhaps she will feel comfortable sharing them in front of a mediator?

Honestly this is a horrible arrangement for the kids, back and forth like yo-yos. They’ll never be able to fully settle anywhere. Is this really the best agreement you can make?

I would recommend you both go off to mediation and consider this course www.cafcass.gov.uk/grown-ups/parents-and-carers/divorce-and-separation/parenting-together/separated-parents-information-programme/

I’m trying to imagine what a judge will say if you both arrive in front of them arguing about a Sunday night. They won’t be impressed with either of you.

Stop trying to catch people out in sexist assumptions. It's transparent and tiresome.

As my posts clearly say, my suggestion is you work out a schedule where the children don't have to move homes every couple of days.

For the third time, would you like to live like that? Clearly not, as you're avoiding the question.

A week on/week off is a more normal arrangement.

Op I would suggest mediation. Take it from there and frankly let it go to court if needed.

I am always surprised by the utter lack of understanding for shared care here on mn. My friend and her dh parted 15 years ago and had 50 50 with their 3 boys all boys are grown up men now and say it was the best of both worlds. They did 1 week off one on. However I known people who have done similar patterns to yours op

@ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave im not trying to catch anyone out, it was a genuine question. Do you think that would be a good idea?

I did suggest 1 week with me and one week with her when it was clear I was soon to get my own place, but that was shot down without discussion.

@JeffThePilot thanks for the link, I’ll have a look

tbh, I think the kids will be ok living in two homes throughout the week. It’s only a 5 minute walk between the houses and almost on the same estate so same area for friends etc. Once they’re older I’m sure they’ll more than likely choose a base, or maybe not, who knows?

Anyway, I can’t change the routine even if I wanted as ex won’t deviate from her idea.

@ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave sorry, forgot your question. If I was close to both of my parents with no worries about either house then no, I don’t think I’d mind. If one house was miles away from my friends or didn’t have the space and I felt neglected there then yes I would.

@Enko yes, I’m thinking meditation is the next step.

50/50 can work well for children where there is good communication and a civil relationship between their parents, and where the parenting is consistent. if there’s a lot of conflict and argument, or different parenting styles, 50/50 care can actually be quite harmful. Something for OP to bear in mind if it starts heading down the path of court.

However I’d still always say to avoid too much back and forth. Doesn’t have to be a full week on/week off, but if you’re bouncing from house to house every two days it’s hard to see how children will ever feel settled.

@JeffThePilot we do actually have pretty similar parenting styles and we certainly didn’t break up because of any conflict there. Im doing all I can to avoid court - hence agreeing to her plan. It’s tough as I want to argue my case and stick up for myself and the kids but it’s like hitting a brick wall and the only way to get round it is court which I want to avoid!

My god is this how some kids are treated??? Shunted backwards & forwards from house to house like reading books? Kids need a base. A place to call their main home. They're children not toys!

That's the reality of separated parents. Most children cope fine with it after they have settled into a routine. It wouldn't be fair to the child to live with one parent and only have daily contact with the other parent. They wouldn't get quality time with them.

When I first separated from my ExH, we did Tues, Thurs, Sat & Sun nights at mine. Mon, Weds, Fri nights at their dads. Our DC were 7 & 9 at the time. But it was a lot of too-ing and fro-ing to be honest. Then my ExH suggested doing week on/week off. I was extremely hesitant initially, but he asked me to try it for one month and see how I felt. The first week without them was awful, but I phoned them every evening, and by the end of the month I could see the positives. The children aren’t constantly packing/unpacking bags, and after a full week of quality time with our DC I then had a week to do as I chose and the same applied for my ExH. For us, it was the perfect solution, but getting your ExW on board will be the difficult part. I wish you all the best