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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About female work colleague confiding in my husband?

38 replies

u32ng · 25/04/2022 10:53

Initially I was fine with this - my husband is a kind person and people just tend to warm to him once they get to know him (both sexes).

He has a female colleague who from what my husband has relayed has had a terrible time over lockdown with behaviour issues from her kids and husband drinking and not coping, all of which continues to be an issue.

I get that confiding her woes maybe helps her deal with it but I am feeling increasingly weird about it. I just feel like it’s a bit of an overshare and starting to wonder if it’s appropriate? However if it was a male colleague would I feel as weird about it? Probably not so am I in double standards territory?

I want to tell my husband that I’m uncomfortable with it and would rather she didn’t speak to him about this stuff, but I don’t want to come across as a heartless cow and make my husband feel bad for being a good listener.

So AIBU feeling this way or do I need to speak up?

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 25/04/2022 10:55

YANBU for feeling a bit uncomfortable but DP has a work colleague who always tells him about her relationship woes and I trust him so I've learnt to deal with it.

phizog · 25/04/2022 10:58

If she's just doing at work then I don't see the issue. Unless it's taking up a lot of his time/energy and impacting both their work. Then it's more a being professional issue but one only he can assess. If she's talking about sexual problems then that's a big fat NO, that's the only time I'd consider it a crossed boundary.

If she's also regularly contacting him after work to mourn/mope with no intention of changing, I would find it annoying (irrespective what sex she is) because you don't want that negativity constantly present in your home life. And would be within bounds to ask him to keep it at work: like you would any other work drama.

frazzledasarock · 25/04/2022 11:00

discussing relationship problems with a male colleague creates an intimacy and closeness which I would find uncomfortable. especially if he then (understandably) starts feeling protective towards her.

also I think it is odd disclosing such detailed issues about ones personal life to a work colleague.

I'd offload to close friends, not Tom in accounts.

Crunchymum · 25/04/2022 11:03

Is she contacting him out of work?

How closely do they work together? (see each other for hours daily? Passing contact?)

I'd find any colleague sharing that much info a bit OTT. However friendships so develop at work so has this gone from colleagues to friendship?

gannett · 25/04/2022 11:06

I feel like the boundary being crossed is a professional one, not a gender one.

Talking about your problems to male or female friends is normal and necessary. You'll get posters saying any male-female interaction beyond small talk will 100% lead to an emotional affair but that's bollocks - the vast majority of the time it simply doesn't. He's being open with you, and this is in character for him - what do you think she'll actually do?

However I'd be pretty uncomfortable knowing this sort of stuff about my colleagues. I have to work with you professionally, I don't want to know about your personal woes.

You could always ask your husband whether he's comfortable with it, or whether he thinks it's a bit much and wishes she'd pull back. Is he senior to her or vice versa? Potentially awkward either way.

MajorCarolDanvers · 25/04/2022 11:18

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MajorCarolDanvers · 25/04/2022 11:20

To add I would be well cross if my DH started to police my conversations with friends and colleagues.

PinkArt · 25/04/2022 11:21

Putting aside whether it's appropriate or not for a moment, does she know he's telling you all of this? If I confide in anyone I expect it to be just that, confidential, not something they then tell their wife. I'd be crushed to discover that someone I thought I could trust with those big issues in my life was then sharing that information with their partner.

drpet49 · 25/04/2022 11:22

Why are you trying to control his friendships????

cockapoopoo · 25/04/2022 11:25

u32ng · 25/04/2022 10:53

Initially I was fine with this - my husband is a kind person and people just tend to warm to him once they get to know him (both sexes).

He has a female colleague who from what my husband has relayed has had a terrible time over lockdown with behaviour issues from her kids and husband drinking and not coping, all of which continues to be an issue.

I get that confiding her woes maybe helps her deal with it but I am feeling increasingly weird about it. I just feel like it’s a bit of an overshare and starting to wonder if it’s appropriate? However if it was a male colleague would I feel as weird about it? Probably not so am I in double standards territory?

I want to tell my husband that I’m uncomfortable with it and would rather she didn’t speak to him about this stuff, but I don’t want to come across as a heartless cow and make my husband feel bad for being a good listener.

So AIBU feeling this way or do I need to speak up?

It IS different because she's a woman. Why censor yourself and ask about double standards?

Of course your husband should not be just making friends with women. No, it's not the same with men.

Going out for a drink with Dave is okay.
Going out for a drink with Linda is not.

Would you be able to make friends with men? No. You're married, at the exclusion of all others - it doesn't mean don't make friends does it, it means don't have relations with the opposite sex.

If they were already friends beforehand that's different. My husband has female friends and if he said he was going to the cinema with one of them I'd be okay with it, but if he came home and said he was going to the cinema with a new female friend I'd be um no the fuck you are not.

NaiceHamAndHugs · 25/04/2022 11:27

Whilst I think he’s telling you this because he’s probably feeling you should know perhaps for your own trust reasons, I think it’s a shame that the colleague is confiding in him and that it’s not staying with him.

He perhaps needs an honest chat with her. Clearly you have raised an eyebrow and he needs to tell his friend that perhaps she needs to find someone else to confide in.

It really is such a shame that men and women can’t have genuine friendships without various complications.

needmorethanthis · 25/04/2022 11:28

Is there any contact outside of work?

cockapoopoo · 25/04/2022 11:29

drpet49 · 25/04/2022 11:22

Why are you trying to control his friendships????

How many new female "friends" does your husband get a month?

gannett · 25/04/2022 11:29

cockapoopoo · 25/04/2022 11:25

It IS different because she's a woman. Why censor yourself and ask about double standards?

Of course your husband should not be just making friends with women. No, it's not the same with men.

Going out for a drink with Dave is okay.
Going out for a drink with Linda is not.

Would you be able to make friends with men? No. You're married, at the exclusion of all others - it doesn't mean don't make friends does it, it means don't have relations with the opposite sex.

If they were already friends beforehand that's different. My husband has female friends and if he said he was going to the cinema with one of them I'd be okay with it, but if he came home and said he was going to the cinema with a new female friend I'd be um no the fuck you are not.

Show quote history

What a bizarre post. I have made plenty of new male friends over the decade I've been with DP, and he's made female friends too. There's nothing wrong with continuing to make friends of either sex even if you're in a relationship. The more good people in your life the better.

If DP dared tell me "no the fuck you are not" about my social plans the relationship would be over there and then. Incredibly controlling behaviour.

SleeplessInEngland · 25/04/2022 11:30

"It IS different because she's a woman. Why censor yourself and ask about double standards?"

Beause it is double standarads. If the OP trusts her DH then, well, she has to trust him. This is what trust looks like.

kitnkaboodle · 25/04/2022 11:31

A similar situation happened to my DH. I was 'cool with it'. He developed feelings for her and we separated for 18 months. Got back together as I believed him that nothing happened between them (and I'm not sure she ever felt the same way about him). But I now see a massive red flag when I see this situation. Just watch out for any defensiveness/secrecy on the part of your DS about this relationship. I think these things rarely end well based on my and other friends' experiences.

Triffid1 · 25/04/2022 11:31

It totally depends on whether it's negatively impacting his professional or personal life. I had a male colleague who we regularly swapped stories, comments, advice re general life in both personal and professional capacities. Admittedly, neither of us had major problems it was more just that we were at similar stages in our respective lives+. And in terms of time/energy/effort it required it really was mostly while doing coffee/lunch runs or making chit chat in the office, openly and in no way in a secret Triffid-maleColleaguecolluding kind of way.

It might have been an issue if he was calling me on weekends or the two of us were going off for long lunches 5 days a week, or if we weren't getting our work done because we were too busy having lots of intense conversations.

+Amusingly, male colleague's wife had first baby as I was leaving the firm. When we caught up for lunch a couple of months later some pretty basic advice I gave him as the "working long hours in the city" partner was extremely helpful and that his wife said to say thank you! Grin

PersonaNonGarter · 25/04/2022 11:38

Going out for a drink with Dave is okay.
Going out for a drink with Linda is not.

This is moronic and unworkable @cockapoopoo I cannot believe that anyone in the modern workplace thinks like this.

This is a Professional Relationship and Linda and Dave should be treated exactly the same. Colleagues are colleagues. If the OP doesn’t trust her husband then that is about the husband, not Linda.

girlmom21 · 25/04/2022 11:41

Going out for a drink with Dave is okay.
Going out for a drink with Linda is not.

What if he goes out for a drink with Dave and Linda? Is that allowed?
What about if Dave then has to leave early and DH and Linda stay for another drink?
Is he allowed to go for a drink with Linda if Lucy is also there?
What if Dave's wife comes to pick him up and there's a woman there who he hadn't told the OP about?

SparklingStars10 · 25/04/2022 11:47

If you trust your husband it shouldn't be an issue, surely? I’ve had some good female/male colleague friendships where we’ve shared stories, discussed life and various topics of interest to us both and it’s never been an issue.

Angrymum22 · 25/04/2022 11:48

Using a male colleague to offload to is always a bit of a difficult one. Supporting someone emotionally requires a great deal of care and responsibility. People can misread your intentions. If she is going through a difficult time in her relationship she may be enjoying the attention. Attraction starts with conversation.
If you feel uncomfortable then have a grown up conversation with your DH. Explain to him that it may not be helping her to resolve issues in her relationship and she should really be seeking professional counselling. Tell him you have no problem if the relationship is professional but if his colleague is stepping outside of these boundaries he needs to tell her. He may have no interest in her outside of work but she may be starting to become emotionally dependent on her. Her husband may not be happy either which just fuels the situation she is in.
Oh, and people lie and that includes women. I’ve known a few women I E worked fabricate very complex relationship problems just to get a little bit of attention. As for men they love spinning a yarn to get a shag.

cockapoopoo · 25/04/2022 11:49

girlmom21 · 25/04/2022 11:41

Going out for a drink with Dave is okay.
Going out for a drink with Linda is not.

What if he goes out for a drink with Dave and Linda? Is that allowed?
What about if Dave then has to leave early and DH and Linda stay for another drink?
Is he allowed to go for a drink with Linda if Lucy is also there?
What if Dave's wife comes to pick him up and there's a woman there who he hadn't told the OP about?

So your husband comes home and says he's heading out this evening for a drink with his work colleague, Claire.

You're okay with this?

He meets her each week for a different activity outside of work.

Fine, yes?

girlmom21 · 25/04/2022 11:51

@cockapoopoo yeah generally - as long as his behaviour doesn't change and he gives me no reason for concern - much like when he has a new male friend

I notice you have no answer to my scenarios.

Is he allowed to go for a drink with a female colleague if another man is also present?

Sittingonabench · 25/04/2022 11:54

There’s some strange posts on here. You can’t prevent your husband forming friendships with the opposite sex because he’s married to you. You can’t stop him being physically attracted to all other women because he’s married either. Marriage is about committing not to act on those feelings and to protect the sanctity of your relationship. Totally normal to feel uncomfortable and at some points insecure and work it through together which may include cooling the friendship but ultimately if he is going to do something then controlling behaviour isn’t going to prevent it

Carrotten · 25/04/2022 11:56

How is she offloading/sharing? Is it just a lunch times, is she calling him outside of work?

Is she just sharing her relationship problems with everyone? I've worked in some work places where if one person is having problems most people know what's going on, some people are just big sharers.