About female work colleague confiding in my husband?

[u32ng]

Initially I was fine with this - my husband is a kind person and people just tend to warm to him once they get to know him (both sexes).

He has a female colleague who from what my husband has relayed has had a terrible time over lockdown with behaviour issues from her kids and husband drinking and not coping, all of which continues to be an issue.

I get that confiding her woes maybe helps her deal with it but I am feeling increasingly weird about it. I just feel like it’s a bit of an overshare and starting to wonder if it’s appropriate? However if it was a male colleague would I feel as weird about it? Probably not so am I in double standards territory?

I want to tell my husband that I’m uncomfortable with it and would rather she didn’t speak to him about this stuff, but I don’t want to come across as a heartless cow and make my husband feel bad for being a good listener.

So AIBU feeling this way or do I need to speak up?

Maybe she is confiding in your husband because he is emotionally unavailable, thus in theory, he shouldn't have the desire to make a pass like a single man would...?

Plus he's told you about these conversations, so that's a good point of reference to judge his behaviour with this woman moving forward. If his routines and behaviour aren't changing over time, I think you should be fine.

I'm feeling for the woman at work TBH.

Am I missing something - are they texting out of work, or meeting for long lunches? Is she asking him to help her, or just discussing her life with someone she presumably shares a lot of time me in a workspace with?

What if he goes out for a drink with Dave and Linda? Is that allowed?
What about if Dave then has to leave early and DH and Linda stay for another drink?
Is he allowed to go for a drink with Linda if Lucy is also there?
What if Dave's wife comes to pick him up and there's a woman there who he hadn't told the OP about?

What if Dave is gay? Is he then only permitted to go for drinks with female colleagues?

What if Dave or Linda or Lucy is bi? Who are they then allowed to go for drinks with?

Most of your scenarios were obtuse but yes, going for afterwork drinks is a thing he does and females are present.

He knows females in work, but if he started chatting to one regularly outside of work or going out with her yes, it would be a problem.

If you have to police your partners friendships to keep them faithful then you are with the wrong partner.

OP it sounds like she talks to your DH because he is a good listener. A good listener puts people at ease and they are comfortable opening up regardless of it being male or female. It is often easier to confide in a good listener who is not a close friend as they are removed from the situation so if asked their opinion it can be a neutral maybe more honest opinion than that of someone we are close to.

Of course your husband should not be just making friends with women.
Would you be able to make friends with men? No. You're married

This attitude is weird and unhealthy.

OP- you are going to get loads of women on MN saying you should be controling and stop your husband having female friends but it will do nothing but harm your relationship.

What if Dave or Linda or Lucy is bi? Who are they then allowed to go for drinks with?

No-one. The type of people who think we should all only befriend the same sex as us don't really have mental space for bi people.

Am I missing something - are they texting out of work, or meeting for long lunches?

Worse than that- they sometimes speak without a chaperone and she wears dresses which show her ankles.

However if it was a male colleague would I feel as weird about it? Probably not so am I in double standards territory?

^ Read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass to help you see why this isn't a fair comparison. YANBU.

My first thought upon reading what you describe is that I would not confide in someone who then tells someone else, be it wife or husband or anyone else. Some things confided in are meant not to be shared elsewhere.

Regardless of your feelings, I suggest telling your DH that you do not want to know because it is something essentially not to be shared with others.

This is down to you - you trust him? Then fine. Maybe he’s just a really good listener. Maybe he’s been kind and abs values his opinion/ friendship.

you don’t trust him? Then tell him to cut the friendship and keep it professional

Personally - it’s double standards on your part because if it was a bloke - you wouldn’t have an issue. I wouldn’t have an issue - but that’s me. You have to do what you feel comfortable with.

This lady certainly has the kind of problems she feels require support. If she has no one else but finds your husband a good listener, that could be easy to understand. The fact that he is telling you all about it is a green flag for me. If it is quite innocent, he would be shattered to know you don;t trust him.

How long can he or anyone actually bother to listen to some relationship problems?
Doesn’t get more boring than that!

Could he like her / find her attractive / like the attention?
It’s just that, stereotypically, men seem to care hell of a lot less about whining and crying about someone’s partner.
Was just wondering what gives him energy to deal with the bore….

This. I’ve made several good male friends while being (happily) married. DH has female friends, too. I don’t think I know anyone who has purely sex-segregated friendships. It seems to me that there’s a link between how often posters on Mn complain of having few or no friends, and discounting half the human race as potential friends.