To feel uncertain about DH’s plan to go part-time?

[FlowersFlowersEverywhere]

We have a primary age DS, been married nearly 10 years. DH in the last few months has decided he hates his job and wants to go part-time, with the idea he will pursue a new business he wants to start up in the 2 days he isn’t working and/or retrain. For context, I bring in about 4 x what he does and have capacity to grow that further. I work full time (and then some) running my own business. We currently equally share childcare/household responsibilities.
I feel uncertain about this because:
a) the early stages of setting up this business wouldn’t take 2 days per week
b) he has no idea what he would retrain as
c) when I set up my business I worked for ten months full time in another job while I busted a guy before and after work getting things going. I didn’t have the luxury of going part-time.
d) he has presented this as a fait accompli - he ‘will’ be going part-time, it’s just a matter of when.
e) he seems perfectly happy for me to still slave every hour running and growing the business, while he goes part-time. He has expended no thought on what I would like to do.
I do want to support his dreams of doing something different, but I also feel a bit taken for granted.
im also very concerned he hasn’t thought this through at all - for instance, he had no idea where the capital would come from to start the business (or how much he needs) and assumed he would be given a loan by the bank, which is highly unlikely. The reality is my business would most likely have to invest it’s profits into his new company.
I really just want some others perspectives on this…feeling uncertain, not sure if im being a bit grumpy or whether he wants a focused only on what he wants…

My view on this is exactly the same as on the other thread.

The default position once children are school aged, should be full time work, unless both parties happily agree that it's better for one of them to reduce work.

It's not fair for one party to force the other to assume more financial responsibility than necessary, without their agreement.

Keep him utterly out of your business. I wouldn't be opening myself up to him having any claim on it. To put it kindly, he seems a bit unrealistic in not knowing whether it's a business he wants to start or to retrain in some unspecified way. I don't think your marriage is on steady ground for what it's worth because I think he'll just fritter the time away or come up with some grandiose scheme which will crash and burn while you slave away paying the bills.

Is there a chance he's just feeling burnt out at work and this is a knee jerk reaction?
Would it be feasible for him to save a bit and then take a few months career break, to review what he's doing and find some headspace to decide what direction he wants to go in?

This must be a reverse, and the replies are hilarious.

The reverse applies to nearly every couple we know.

Problem is, ops husband won't take on extra childcare or household tasks because he will be 'busy' with his new business. If he wants to start a new business, fair enough, but he needs to actually show what this is, not just make shit up for the hell of it.

I'd be sitting him down and telling him he needs to decide what his business will be before reducing his hours, and he is also getting no financial help from my business, ever.

Tell him 3 days a week sounds great -you'd love to - and sit down to work out how you can both do it

Really? Nearly all the couple's you know have a female drop a couple of days a week with no discussion, to theoretically start a business that has yet to be decided upon, while leaving all of the running of the house to their male partner?

Wow, that's pretty unusual.

More than full time working male partner, that should say.

In this case the running of the house isn't left to the OP though. It states they share it. Which is as it should be. Obviously if he drops hours he should pick up more, however if he is retraining or starting up a business the hours may remain the same or even increase. It is the financial implications that need to be addressed and the viability of any training/new business. The DH needs to have a set plan not some wishy-washy ideas.

Personally I think that if you earn 4x his salary, then it's a bit tight to not want him to go part time. If my DH earned 4x my salary I'd absolutely expect to have a bit of breathing space if I wanted it to retrain etc.

Really, this would only work if he has a plan. I don’t think he should go part-time until he knows what he wants to do, or has enrolled on a retraining course. Just to go part-time with no plans makes him a part-time cock-lodger.

Will his current job slow him to;p reduce his hours?

Thats harsh @Riverlee he could go part time and do more of the household and childcare stuff. Nobody would bat an eyelid if the wife did that.

Can't he try starting it up in a small way while still working full time? It does sound rather vague and I'd be worried that the business would t take off and he'd have 2 days a week off - and unlikely he'd pick up more house work.

I know my DH would support me to do similar, so I do think on face value YABU. I'm guessing if he works for an employer, even on minimum wage he'll be on what, £18k? And you earn 4 times that so - a very healthy family income indeed, minimum c. £90k... He should have wiggle room to try this out and going PT seems a sensible way to do this.

HOWEVER it sounds as though there are deeper issues at play. You don't sound convinced that he's on your team, I guess? Is he a bit "what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine" in general? I don't mean just financially - all resources, such as time, money, household skills, family connections etc.

He would certainly need to take on more of the household burden.

I agree in that I’ve seen countless threads where a female partner has been encouraged to retrain or change employment once children were in school. It’s always assumed the male partner will support this.

He sounds like he's a bit of a lazy bastard. Tell him to stop whingeing.

I don't like the way he's talking about it as a done deal OP, without having any definite business plans or ideas for retraining in mind. I would be making it clear that he can't expect you to invest in his business, as you will already be having to cover the loss of his salary. I'm also afraid that maybe he's just fed up with his job and that when it comes down to it, he'll just end up slobbing around at home, enjoying not working while you're the one bringing in the money to keep things going. If I were in your shoes I would sit down and talk about this in depth, with that big piece of paper, and try to ensure that he actually has a clear goal in sight before he goes part time.

The written plan is a great idea.
I’d suggest that he sees a careers coach before making any moves plus a business adviser in order to come up with a plan. That third party input would help him focus his ideas and see the reality of the situation. If I was the third party I would definitely be pointing out that most people start their own businesses in their own time.

I'd also want a timeline as part of the plan with a clear understanding that if he doesn’t stick to it that the expectation is that he returns to full time work.

OP, you sound like you hate your own job. That's what stands out to me.

I agree with @RomainingCalm
I think a collaborative approach is what to do. Yes OP is reasonable to feel grumpy and blindsided, also unsure about how it might work. She knows the reality of starting a business and her DH could benefit from a dose of realism. But his initial announcement is a call to sit down and hammer out how it might be possible. To take it seriously.

FWIW, my DH last year went down to 30hr weeks where he works 6hr days, M-F so he could start a business working on it several hours a day. He now has a Ltd company and it is breaking even although not yet paying dividends because he is reinvesting to get more equipment, pay for a web designer to run an online site for sales, pay for an accountant, etc. I allowed him £500 family money to start the business and now it is valued (by accountant) as worth £24k and we’ve paid ourselves back the initial £500k directors loan to start the company. Next year, it should start adding to our income and who knows in the years to come.

I also was very unsure at the start but he knew the industry and had a good plan as to what to make and sell. I wouldn’t have agreed if we had not had many many conversations hammering out things and I asked him a million questions at least!

I earn very little (hopefully I manage to change that over time) and a full-time job/good income would be a very important consideration in a future partner. I'm alright by myself, I wouldn't want to share financial misery though!

Would I be a high earner ( or independently wealthy!) it would matter much less what partner brings to our life together financially - that part would be "sorted". It's not as important once past the misery point!

So as long as DH is not a lazy sod and has a passion to chase, I'd be all for it!

When you started your business op did you have Dc? As pre dc I too would have made the time for setting it up on top of my ft work, like I did with extra study. But now we have dc I simply don’t have the time for that with evenings needed for housework that gets done post 9pm when dc are in bed , plus late work meetings and bits of urgent work with a busy job. and Dh does pull his weight. So it may not be fair to compare the way you have.
the sit down with a big piece of paper is a good idea, also establish your position: your business isn’t going to fund his. You can’t be the sole earner and take on more housework /you strongly think if you’re the sole earner he needs to take more of the at home load. How developed the plan should be before quitting, how long you think you as a family should support this new business…

I wouldn’t mind in principle is there was a real business plan and prospects if success.

without child caring responsibilities etc it seems unfair.

I work part time to manage kid stuff. I might never be able to go full time but the time I’m not working is still dealing with family stuff.

OP,

How strong is your marriage?

He definitely seems as if he views you as the work horse.

Keep him away from your business.

Ifvyou were my friend I would suggest legal advice.

He has unilaterally decided to become primary carer to your children whilst you do long hours.

I would be VERY wary of a partner doing this without discussing it.

Protect yourself.