Always the one doing lifts

[Shiningstarr]

One of my DS is 15. He's got a group of friends that live locally, and they go out often, sometimes to the nearest city on the train, or just around our village.

The train station isn't too far away, but it isn't accessible by foot, so we give him lifts when he needs them. He usually sends a text when he needs a lift, and he will always ask if his friends can have a lid too.

This is no problem and we always oblige. They always say thanks and are really polite.

Now here comes the bit which annoys me. None of the other boys parents ever give a lift, or say thanks for dropping their boys home. It's become almost expected. DH and I both work full time, and have 2 other children, we are busy just like everyone is.

Aibu to expect the other parents to take a turn in being the taxi?

I would not agree with this at all.

I would absolutely thank the parents whom have dropped my children home.

Likewise my children's friends parents have thanked me too.

We are all united in wanting our children to get home safely, so we share the driving load.

Thanking someone for seeing your child home is a simple acknowledgement that they have stayed up to collect and abstain from alcohol, particularly on a weekend night!

I certainly appreciate another parent doing it.

@billy1966

Exactly this. I honestly couldn't tell you the last time I enjoyed a glass of wine, as I'm unable to have any due to picking up.

I agree with the reasons you've given for thanking parents.

We'll base on your last post, I think you need to tell your DS that you're happy to come and collect him, but his friends need to message for their own lifts as you won't be providing them unless by agreement in advance.

This appears to be a 'DS' problem. It's fair enough to give his friends a lift the first time, or even a few times.

It's also only fair to now ask your DS to see what the others are prepared to contribute, in the way of asking their parents rather than relying on your kindness.

I realise that I am projecting here, I'm picturing a teenager shrugging his shoulders knowing that his parents will always get him so what's the issue?

So if you want a glass of wine, order him a taxi or but him a bike, stop being a martyr

YABU

If you don't want to give lifts to friends then don't. It's as simple as that. You are also very unreasonable to expect the parents to say thank you. They are 15! Lots of parents don't ferry their kids around and there is nothing wrong with that. It's up to them.

I was the one who always gave the lifts and I sometimes teased some of my kids friends about it but ultimately it was my choice. I always enjoyed it tbh. I'd get to know all the latest gossip and it was fun hearing about their days out. I even enjoyed picking them up in the early hours. Drunk teens are hilarious. We would put the music on and have a laugh. I wouldn't go out my way and I wouldn't tolerate any lateness at all though.
My kids all worked hard at school and I used to say that I was rewarding their hard work by offering them 'premier level parenting' and that included lifts.

as far as I know my ds doesn't offer up the lift, he just rings or texts me for a lift and the friends just assume that means they don't need to bother their parents.

He usually sends a text when he needs a lift, and he will always ask if his friends can have a lid too.

Have you actually* *discussed this with either your DS or his mates who are always in your car? Or are you making assumptions?

Say to DS, prior to him going out - “Can you ask X or Y if they can give you a lift home tonight because Dad and I are going to be busy.”

Next time your DS has his mates in the car and you’re dropping them, say “I don’t mind giving any of you a lift but it would be nice if it wasn’t every time - can you boys figure out a rota for whose parents are doing the station pick-up so it’s not me every single time?”

They’re all just thoughtless teens and you’re making it too easy for everyone. Forget the other parents, talk to the children.

You really need to establish some boundaries with him and give him a taxi number.

No reason at all why to martyr yourself by never having a drink just in case you need to pick him up. Set a curfew and he can get a cab if he’s back after then.

OP
I have 4 children that are picked up at times and while the other parents are good to share, I have certainly heard stories like yours.

Kindly, you're being made a mug out of by the other parents AND your son.

Start laying down new rules.
Tell him you are no longer available for 100% of the collecting.

Tell him not to make arrangements on X nights as you are not available.
End of discussion.
No apology.

Be less available.
Encourage him to talk to his friends about sharing lifts.

Stop being so available.
It really isn't good for them to think this is all you are.....a constant taxi.

Have the conversation.

My ruthless friend had this some years ago.
She got the other parents numbers from her son and he knew why.

She text them to ask did they want their child included in future lifts, as she was setting up a group to share the load.

She set a WhatsApp group with the first 4 that answered and it was sorted.

You are being used, which is not good, nor sustainable.

YANBU.

text them to ask did they want their child included in future lifts, as she was setting up a group to share the load.

While this wording is perfect, I think the disadvantage of parents stepping in an organising is that the teens life continues uninterrupted. They may not even notice that arrangements have changed.

I think it's much better to push the responsibility back on the teens to sort it out amongst themselves. They have the problem of getting home and so should be the ones finding a solution.

At the moment, the other teens might not even notice that they are taking advantage of your good nature.

If your bottom line is that you will always collect your teen, because walking is not safe, then you are open to free loaders. Which is why I asked what the other parents think is happening?

Can they think that you like doing all the lifts?

Agree with @violetbunny. A few years back, DH was in the same position as OP and eventually got fed up with it. He told DS1 that he was happy to come and collect him (DH doesn't drink, so that wasn't an issue), but that he would no longer give lifts to DCs whose parents never reciprocated even if he was driving right past their door and had space in the car.

This might sound churlish but actually DS1 agreed that it was perfectly reasonable. DH's responsibilities did not extend to other people's 15-year-old sons.

OP just needs to tell her son not to be so quick to offer up the possibility of a lift back.

I've had the experience of parents always being the one to give the lifts, because they want to be driving their own children. I've also had an arrangement with the parents of my DD whereby whoever could do the lift would no it, regardless of how many other lifts we might have given. That was quite liberating to know no-one was keeping count.

I don't consider it necessary for parents to thank me. If I get a thanks from the teens, that would be enough.

It's tricky as well because apparently we are embarrassing DPs and our cars are not as fancy as others so DS is reluctant to offer lifts on our behalf which we'd be happy to give.

Where I can I liaise directly with the DPs and I would say thank you if he was given a lift and I try to reciprocate- but we always seem to end up giving lifts to random teens that he hasn't had a lift from. But I'm also conscious he's 16 and I don't want to make him feel like an 8 year old with mammy organising play dates.

I guess it's only for a short period so they'll all be keen to learn to drive as soon as they can.

I wouldn't mind if they dropped their kids off at mine and then take them all to the train station in one go, but having to drive around all different houses in different parts would do my head in, very time consuming.
I'd just say can't do lifts this time and ask son to tap one of their friends up and get them to pester their parents

but having to drive around all different houses in different parts would do my head in, very time consuming

The OP doesn't have to do it. She is choosing to.

I don't think it is being a Martyr, I think it goes with the territory of being the parent of a 15 year old, a bit like weaning goes with the territory of being a Mum to a baby. I have a 15 year old but I live in a city and I still try to collect him if I can. He went to the city centre to see a marvel film late on Friday night, I knew that DS and three friends would be coming out of the cinema on to a very lively street at 11.30 and I think he is too young to be around the drunks from hen parties and stag dos and those going from bars to clubs. As it happened he ignored me and walked with his friends to the nearest house from the city. I was really pleased he rang at midnight for a lift from that point as he is too young imo to walk for another 20 minutes on his own. I wouldn't want my son riding a bike in a rural setting on a 60mph road, I think it is irresponsible to encourage that at 15. I think things begin to change in 6th form and obviously 18 but if you are in a rural setting the dangers of the road remain the same. However, a cab at 18 is different to 15.

However, it is not a huge hardship for me to go without a drink for one night.

I don't think anyone is suggesting OP shouldn't go and pick her own 15-year-old up, @Goldenbear. *The question is why should she pick up all his friends too?