Always the one doing lifts

[Shiningstarr]

One of my DS is 15. He's got a group of friends that live locally, and they go out often, sometimes to the nearest city on the train, or just around our village.

The train station isn't too far away, but it isn't accessible by foot, so we give him lifts when he needs them. He usually sends a text when he needs a lift, and he will always ask if his friends can have a lid too.

This is no problem and we always oblige. They always say thanks and are really polite.

Now here comes the bit which annoys me. None of the other boys parents ever give a lift, or say thanks for dropping their boys home. It's become almost expected. DH and I both work full time, and have 2 other children, we are busy just like everyone is.

Aibu to expect the other parents to take a turn in being the taxi?

I'd send DS off expecting him to walk home and he'd arrive back in someone else's car.

Another very good point, ds started walking more around 16-17 because getting a lift from mummy was no longer cool 😂

Your son will remember that you were the kind of parent providing lifts.

on the other extreme, I had the kind of parent who left me to beg other kids parents to help me get to required school activities.

who do you think is going to have a better relationship with their children in 10 or 20 years. These little moments add up. They give you a window into his life and they show him that you care. As frustrating as it is that the burden is not being shared, it might help to keep that in mind.

I suppose it depends whether the parents are happy for their kids to walk along the main road or not. I used to walk home along a main road with no pavement, just on the bank, so what would be too dangerous to you might be acceptable to them. If they’re happy for the kids to walk I can understand why they never do lifts, but if they wouldn’t be happy with that I agree they should be sharing the load. But realistically if your son is always the first to ask and you always say yes then it’s going to be hard to get anybody to share the load unless you start saying no from time to time, or maybe be less available so say yes but only at X time forcing the boys to have to wait around at the train station for 30 mins or so. If it’s inconvenient to wait for you to be free they might try a different parent instead.

Thats rubbish, so if your sons out you can't have a glass of wine together at the weekend till he is home. Next time he is going out say to him in advance can you ask one of the other boys to arrange a lift home from train station, we won't mange it tonight. Then sit with your feet up. They might just tell them to walk though and are happy to risk it.

I think this is a hard one. We were the life givers but that was our choice . You could say you are not dropping others off . I used to feel torn knowing some parents had made a point of making their children be more independent and probably thought I was a mug but generally felt OK about giving lifts partly because I wanted to know my children's friends.

The 15 year old says thanks I don't think follow up message from parents is necessary. The other parents may not even know who dropped off just "I've got a lift"

Be unavailable and ask them to try someone else and call you back if stuck. They can split a taxi if they have to.

I would have thanked parents when DC were young and I'd arranged the lifts, but once they're old enough to make their own arrangements, they're also old enough to do the thanking themselves IMO

Are you sure this isn't a case of other parents "letting go" a bit earlier than you are? Teens should be able to safely walk a short distance along a road, especially those who've grown up with a station accessible that way.

I wouldn't have expected teen DC to need a lift, it's lovely for him if he's offered one, but I wouldn't feel it was needed, so there's no "turn" to take, I'm happy for them to make their own way home.

Nobody walks along the main road with no pavement, there's no bank or anything, and it's a 60mph road. It's just something that nobody does in our area.

Yanbu we used to share lifts with other parents in my dds friendship group otherwise I was just a taxi.

If that’s the case and the boys only option is a lift from parents then I would definitely start being less available, say no or say you can’t pick up until a specific time that means the boys need to wait in the hope it forces the other parents to do their share. You probably also need to have a word with your son about not always volunteering you first, it might be the other parents would be happy to give lifts but are just never asked.

Op if your fed up of giving lifts all the time say to your dc can you not asks John’s parents for a change . They may work shifts / have younger siblings or just simply think you don’t mind and aren’t going to challenge it . If you don’t say something then nothing will change . The kids don’t care they just want a lift and your easier .
as in expecting a thank you from the parents they are old enough to say thanks. If it was my dc I’d say I hope you thanked them for a lift but no way would I message them myself.

When I put 30 miles between me and exh I became dc's taxi. Fine. Then one of the dc's expected pick ups and drop offs for his mates . These were 16yo dc... It was relentless.. They were wanting to come over as we lived in a seaside place....
Once had cause to say no - had a very young dc and always just wasn't possible.. Heard a message on ds's phone pop up and saw the first line... One girl had actually called me a lazy bitch! Lifts ended that day. Beware op.

We've been put in the situation where DS16 received more lifts than he gave because we live a couple of miles further out than most people. We're on a direct and frequent bus route and DS know we're happy for him to get the bus home rather than putting people out.

But then people insist in giving him lifts and he doesn't refuse so then I'm scrambling around trying to return the favour. The worst is. ow they have developed a social life. DS- touch wood - has thus far been trustworthy and we're happy for him to get a bus home provided he's back for around 11.30pm, but then he ends up getting a lift so it means we have to stay up late to return the favour later.

Sorry not really the same as your situation OP.

I think I would want to be a good example, and encourage your son to speak to his friends about this - the other parents need to help out or you won't be driving their children home anymore. Your son needs to learn not to be the doormat of the group with his parents running around everyone.

They either pitch in and help, or you just pick up your son and let the others walk back or they can pay for a taxi. I would not feel obliged to keep driving them home. Teaching kids to have boundaries is not a bad thing, younger the better.

This.

Also once my DC were at secondary school I didn't know the parents of their friends so a thanks from little Johnny was fine. I'd have been surprised to get a separate thank you message from the parents.

Nobody ever walks to your nearby station?

What's the point of public transport you can only access by car?

Gave alot of lifts but I cut back as then she couldnt do mid week trainings either..so when she ask again I said sometimes we go direct from apts to there so best go yourself. Op I got fed up of it. !!

Not from our village they don't, no. The station is in the next village, and the one in from that has a pavement all the way through, so it can be accessed from that side.

It's annoying where we are, as there's no pavement at all from our village to the next (where the train station is), and it's too dangerous to walk as no bank or anything and it's a 60mph road.

Locals have been campaigning for a proper pavement for years.

We live rurally and have a similar setup so I completely understand.

We are also generally the only lift-givers but I want to make sure ds gets home so I can cope with bringing the rest home too. Dh is similarly laid back. Bottom line is I couldn’t deal with the guilt if we left any behind and something happened so we just do the rounds on the way home. It would be nice if other parents took a turn but that’s their choice and this is ours.

If you live rurally that’s the situation for many local people unless they live in the village where the station is. Lots of commuters park at the station for the day to get to work, teens have to be dropped/picked up at the station (but that’s far easier than dropping them in the city so we are happy to do it). It’s just part of life in this sort of area.

Is there no bridleways, country paths through the fields to the adjoining village?

No sadly there isn't.

And are all the others also returning to your village?

I'd still ask DS why the others do not volunteer, because I would want to understand how this comes about.

Does he always jump in to offer ?

How do the other parents think their darlings are getting home if they live in a village without access by foot between station and village?

Do they imagine because your son always volunteers you that you are happy to help in this way? Do they have other challenges ?

Yea they are all returning to the same village, although we live at the beginning of the village, and the friends who have lifts live right on the other side. It doesn't really matter but just adds to it. If we give anyone a lift we always drop them right to their front door, making sure they get in ok, I would feel responsible otherwise.

The other parents have no more commitments than we do, (I know them from school) and as far as I know my ds doesn't offer up the lift, he just rings or texts me for a lift and the friends just assume that means they don't need to bother their parents.

I wouldn’t expect a thank you from the parents of teens
I’d talk to your DS. When he is making plans to take the train somewhere with his friends tell him that you will be unable to give him a lift to the station or home again and he needs to arrange it with his friends.

If he goes with 3 friends then be available 1 in 4 times