Husband keeps pushing for me to go back to work full time.

[PaddlingLikeADuck]

As our family situation currently stands my husband works full time and I work 25 hours over 3 days. I dropped to 25 hours after our second son was born but I always worked full time before that.

Our two children are now aged 8 and 4. The 4 year old is due to start school this year.

Our current take home pay per month (jointly) is just under £4k which I consider to be a comfortable amount and and one we can have a nice lifestyle with.

In August I am getting a promotion and increasing my hours up to 30 hours a week and so our monthly bring home pay will increase further so up to just under £5k a month.

As it stands, my plan is for me to work 4 days a week (8 hour days) and have one day off in the middle of the week. My husband however is being really pushy about me working full time as opposed to “just working 30 hours.”

I said it will really help us with me having one day off a week because if anything untoward comes up, one of the children takes ill, appointments come up, school assemblies etc I have the option to change my days to accommodate this. I’m very lucky to have a job where I can be very flexible with my days.

I said I will still be doing 30 hours a week so it’s hardly like I will be a lady of leisure at home whilst the children are at school and whilst he works.

As it stands, he is home by 4pm most days whereas my work days means I’m not home until 6.30pm, if not a little later. This would mean that me working 5 days a week will result in me hardly getting any time in the evening with the children whereas my husband would spend every evening with them from 4pm onwards.

He also works in a school so he gets all the holidays off which again means he gets lots of quality time with them that I don’t. And one day a weekend they go out together for about 6 hours for a sport related event, so that’s more time that I’m not with them.

I said that I just want to be able to spend at least one day in the week to see my children, and to be able to collect them from school and have some quality time with them, as opposed to not getting home until an hour before their bedtime every night.

He’s just keeps pushing it though.

I said I don’t understand why, for the sake of me working 7.5 hours less than full time, he would begrudge me wanting to spend more time with the children.

I get it that if I financially hard to work full time for our family situation to be manageable then I would, but I don’t and we manage perfectly fine already, never mind after my upcoming promotion and increase in hours.

My husband is very money focused though and instead of thinking about how comfortable we already are, and will be even more come August, he just keeps saying “but think how much more money we would have if you went full time.”

His priority is money whereas mine just isn’t, especially when the children are so young.

He brings it up all the time and it usually ends up in a mini argument where we just go round in circles.

AIBU about this?

I think it's fairly obvious what kind of school the Ops DH works in. Not your standard one is a big clue.

Op please don't be anyone's work horse.

You were not born to deliver his a 'lifestyle' to your dh, you have a right to spend time with your children, get your admin completed and not lead a life of absolute exhaustion just to bankroll a few luxuries. Time is the biggest luxury of all.

I am guessing he is looking on at the lifestyles of some of the families that go to the school and sees a way to achieve that (working you to the bone) You might not be materialistic but he certainly seems to think he is entitled to a more lavish lifestyle than you the one you currently have, and the fast track way he can achieve that without any personal input is to make you do it.

I would be firm and frank. There is no way you are doing more hours, as it is the balance is in his favour, if wants more money that is for him to take on a second job/work in the holidays. Not you. That would the end of the discussion.

I might add also, my best friend was forced into this arrangement, whilst dh sat at home gaming (and his idea of cooking for the dc was oven chips and beans every nigh) she was doing 70 hours a week to pay for holidays and cars she didn't care about, and was too dog tired to spend time with her dc. Their marriage ended a few years later. She felt so used, and still to this day feels very resentful. Don't do it.

If I were him, I'd agree on the basis that you do a big clean every Wednesdays, take the kids to school and pick them up, and do after-school activities/chores so that We'd after-work is his time for himself.

You get 5 hours for yourself after the big clean, he gets 5 hours for himself after-work.

This way, it balances out.

I can’t comment on your individual circumstances but I have a similar work life balance and my 4 day week is invaluable. OH works 5 days but in a structured job with defined time off, my job earns more but is very pressurised with lots of overtime, calls out of office hours etc. 4 days a week gives me a day to collect kids, get to know the other parents, do play dates and keep on top of all that sort of admin. It’s honestly worth more than money to me. And I’m not part time… 4 days definitely allows you to stay fully across your job.

Most families would give their right arm to be in the position that you and your DH find yourself in; being able to afford a comfortable lifestyle whilst the kids also get to spend quality time with a non-exhausted/physically or mentally absent set of parents is what everyone strives for.

I think your DH is being very blinkered and can’t see the wood for the trees, but at the same time it is human nature to want, want, want, want, and not realise just how good we have it, so I have empathy from that side.

Sit down with him and give him a philosophical chat about what is truly important in life.

No one ever cried on their deathbed because they didn’t earn £5k more a year at the expense of getting to spend quality time with their children during their most precious years - I’m sure plenty have done the opposite.

however, when they hit 15, you’ll probably be begging to go full-time 😂

I would work out how many days per year he works and how many days per year you work.

I bet it's not that different.

sorry not rtft but just came on to say I work 4 dpw for the same reasons you describe and it's invaluable. During that day I do various errands that wouldn't get done otherwise, lots of general tidying, food shop for the week, pick up the kids and ferry them to evening activities that would be very difficult for them to go to if I worked that day. Also as you say even if not on that particular day it leaves more energy to sort appointments etc when they invariably come up. It also makes school holidays easier to manage because I am off on day, can usually get grandparents to help out 2-3 days which only leaves one more day to sort out. My husband is generally very appreciative of all of the above as it makes it easier for him to concentrate on his own job full time (he is rather better paid than I am tbf).
If we both worked FT then ideally we would share the load of all of the above but actually most of it would end up falling to me so I'd end up far more stressed out by the end of the week.
Assuming you can afford it and it sounds like you can YANBU at all but clearly you have different priorities and I'm not sure you can sort this easily.

If you read the thread you would see that OP saying her OH does not work outside of his paid hours. So you'd understand that it is wrong to accuse me of twisting the facts. THE OP SAID THIS FFS

The OP also clearly states that he works full time. Therefore to state that he doesn't, based purely on what hours he does/doesn't work, constitutes twisting the facts in my book.

Your post is hugely unpleasant.

No, it's not. I didn't swear, call you names or anything like that. You're the one who's been employing block capitals and things like 'FFS', not me. And I'm not personally offended by your posts at all, I just consider them factually inaccurate.

And if you want to talk about being patronising, I'd say that attempting to tell others 'Teaching is a part-time job', based on as little direct/personal knowledge of teaching as you've just described, is way more patronising than anything I said.

You need to be clear and say I don’t need the extra money, but he could give up his weekends and find another job if it is bugging him so bad. If he still remains adamant say it is for your mental health you can only comfortably do 30 hours. If after this he does not back down I would plan to leave because this is abusive. He is using emotional abuse to coerce you to do something that you don’t want to do.

He is using emotional abuse to coerce you to do something that you don’t want to do
He could claim that's exactly what OP is doing. We have little information on the current division of labour currently, what they agreed before children and therefore who changed their minds and what OP has suggested she could take on as chores during the day she is on her own.

We don't know if they discussed paying the mortgage early, retiring earlier, save to take a year out to travel. We really have so little information to decide who is reasonable or not, but inevitably, it didn't take long for many to jump on the assumption that the guy is abusive!

@bringincrazyback I'm not going to engage with your aggressive and patronising posts any more. You can believe that 32 hours a week or 13 weeks leave a year is full time to your hearts content and I will see things differently as will most people who've done 40 hours a week for 48 weeks of the year in their FT job. The OP is also not the law writer on what is/ is not FT work though she is not rigidly trying to be - just pointing out that her saying he was FT does not mean that is a line in stone any more than if you say it or I say it. People are actually allowed to see things differently.

Your points about "Therefore to state that he doesn't, based purely on what hours he does/doesn't work, constitutes twisting the facts in my book" is just bizarre IMHO as the concept of FT is entirely about the hours that you work. This has clearly touched a nerve for you and you are reading all sorts of things into what I said which are based on your own issues. So lets just agree to disagree. Or not - I'm not going to respond to any of your future posts no matter how patronisingly you write them.

😄😄😄

Ask him WHY he think you need even more money?

You are wrong. She is nearly full time over four days. One day free enables her to do housework, shopping, washing and ironing etc, so she can spend quality weekend time as a family!

My ex was like that - even begrudged me maternity leave. I love the suggestion that he get a summer job. Would you say you do most of the emotional/mental load as well - organising/planning house/kids etc? When you come home from work has he done the housework and made dinner and sorted out dentists' appointments and organised play dates with your children's friends? I think some of the other posters are right - he begrudges you the ability to be able to work 30 hours. Your children are only little for so long - can you explain that to him and say that you know at some point you will go back to full time but while your children are little you'd love the extra time with them?

My 2 are 13 and 15, I work 4dpw, this works really well for our family, I get 1dpw to run round like a nutter and get various jobs done which means I can spend more time as a family at the weekend, husband works shifts so it's the only guaranteed time I have to myself, financially we are OK, we get by, the quality to our lives this 1dpw adds to our lives is more than worth it for us

Stick to your guns. Time with your children is much more important than money. I’m sure your children would agree they’d rather have fun with Mummy than a bigger t.v. or an i phone .

They are only children once, I would hate to be a weekend mum. If you are comfortable, you're comfortable. Does he have any hidden money worries?

Add up the days you get each off annually. It’s not a massive discrepancy, once your annual leave is added, is it?

Add up costs for all the shit that you do on your day off - wraparound care, cleaning, general admin shit and take it off ‘all the money you’d have’

Or consider going full time and buying back leave so you have the same as him. That should shut him up (if you can still do it).

But he doesn’t need convincing. He just needs to respect your decision about how you want your work life balance to be, because that’s WHAT YOU WANT. You don’t want more money. If he wants more money, he can figure it out (depending on what for) And that’s what I’d say. (Obviously if you were struggling to make ends meet that would be different. But if you’re not, the decision to work more hours is yours alone, providing you would and could support him if he wanted to do the same, and it sounds like you could)

pity you can’t do one of your days at the weekends when they’re all out. Is bank nursing at weekends an option for you, if it’s time with kids that’s driving it for you? I know it wouldn’t be the same pay, necessarily, and I don’t think you should be pushed into it, but it’s a possibility if you want to explore options.

If I had one day 'free' during the week, I would clean the house, do teh food shop and do some batch cooking. That would mean that weekend time is family time. Work out how much more a year you will get after tax (sometimes with the extra tax, it's not much more), then take away how much you would pay a cleaner. You might find the financial difference is minimal, and if weekends are more relaxed, isn't that worth a few extra quid if you're comfortable?

I tried working full-time with two kids, and just found it impossible with all the housework etc, not to mention whenever the kids were sick or had holidays.
So I agree with the majority here, we work to live, not live to work.
Whether you can convince your husband is a whole other matter!

I would stand your ground definitely. Also, could you join them at the sports related activities at the weekend?

If he is so concerned about more money, tell him to get another job in the evening.

He is a twat. Stand your ground or you will realise in 12 years what you missed out on. And you cant ever get it back. Reading between the lines, i wonder how happy you actually are? You have a fantastic income monthly, you dont need it. What else is simmering?

Also, if you add his actual hours up and divide it, he will come out at less than 30hr pw over 52weeks. I would counter him and ask that he get a job in the holidays so he works full time too. Current school is 38/39 weeks a year. 7.5hr pd x 5 x 38 divided by 52, will not be full time!
Good luck.

Start to question why he is with you. Does he really like you or is he in it for the money?

Here is something else to consider. You do realise the teacher pension is over 20% salary. If you are private you are likely 8% pension. So while you contribute more to the house and his lavish trips out (while you are working), he will be contributing to his retirement.

Finally what's the point in earning money if to u have no time to spend it? This isn't a problem for him, he has the time and he will spend it. Hello Disney Land!