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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find what happened to DD really odd?

50 replies

Sue662 · 23/04/2022 21:18

So my DD has been seeing a lovely guy for a while now. He lives with his gran who has brought him up from being young I believe, my DD says she tries to make her feel bad by making comments and making her feel useless, she came home last night in floods of tears because the grandma apparently said that she was taking the grandson away from her? I was a bit taken back by it and don’t know how to help her? She just wants to get on with her I think? I dunno WWYD?

OP posts:
Heathyou · 23/04/2022 21:19

How old are they? Are they teenagers?

Original poster
Sue662 · 23/04/2022 21:19

DD is 18, I don’t see why I should have to get involved but I do think it was quite bizarre

OP posts:
serenghetti2011 · 23/04/2022 21:21

Not bizzare, but granny sounds a bit possessive. I’d perhaps speak to her about speaking to boyfriend and having him visit her at home rather than there. He needs to speak to grandma and reassure her he has space in his life for them both but she’s being a bitch to an 18 year old girl who has done nothing wrong. Nasty woman. Hope your daughter is ok

DaisyQuakeJohnson · 23/04/2022 21:25

It's quite common for over-invested parents (or grandparents) to feel bfs or gfs are stealing their relatives away. I wouldn't be in floods of tears over it. If she's upsetting your DD so much, tell your DD not to visit. She can meet her bf at your's or in a cafe, etc.
My MIL always used to say I was taking her baby away from her. He was in his 30s when we met and hadn't lived at home for years but que sera sera. She even said it on our wedding day. My DM was in earshot once and said 'well your son is taking my baby away!' We both found it strange and a bit funny.

Merryoldgoat · 23/04/2022 21:59

Honestly? I’d run a mile if I were her.

but I have a low tolerance for nonsense.

crackingreward · 23/04/2022 22:07

I would just tell DD to ignore and spend as little time near her as possible. Some people are just like that and it won't change if you become involved, all that will happen is a wedge will be driven and it won't be in the right place. At 18, realistically she doesn't need to spend any time at his house, so this woman is easily avoided.

FleurDeLizz · 23/04/2022 22:10

She’s 18 she should be young and carefree not bogged down in a difficult relationship even if that is with her boyfriends granny. She should just stop seeing the granny and see if the relationship has real merit without relatives meddling

Original poster
Sue662 · 23/04/2022 22:13

I keep thinking if they do stay together, I hope they do as he is so lovely! Will she make my DD’s life difficult? She sounds like she would?

why do people get to be arses to people but it’s ok because that’s just the way they are?

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 23/04/2022 22:17

Hmmm, I'd ask your daughter what her boyfriend has done or said to defend your dd in the face of these comments? If he's just standing there like a gormless goon then there are more pressing issues to the relationship than just his gran.

crackingreward · 23/04/2022 22:22

I keep thinking if they do stay together, I hope they do as he is so lovely! Will she make my DD’s life difficult? She sounds like she would?

Do not if your DD lets her...

AliceMcK · 23/04/2022 22:24

Being maybe a bitch here, but I’d tell your daughter to say ok fine, I’m off but remember when your gone ( you old bag) (this is optional) he’s going to be all alone and your the only one to blame after driving the people who care for him away.

Neverreturntoathread · 23/04/2022 22:25

Sue662 · 23/04/2022 22:13

I keep thinking if they do stay together, I hope they do as he is so lovely! Will she make my DD’s life difficult? She sounds like she would?

why do people get to be arses to people but it’s ok because that’s just the way they are?

Very very few people end up marrying the guy they dated when they were eighteen so I wouldn’t worry too much about that.

Granny is rude and nuts. Avoid granny. If it gets pad, DD needs to get her boyfriend to tell his gran to stop spoiling his relationship. If he can’t stand up for his girlfriend then it can’t last anyway.

Justkidding55 · 23/04/2022 22:43

are you sure you aren’t both being a bit sensitive? Could the grandma have said it in a jokey way and your daughter not knowing her meant she misinterpreted?
anyway she doesn’t need to see his gran surely she can just
stop?

ineedsun · 23/04/2022 22:43

I’ve told this story on here before. On DD’s wedding day, her new mother in law approached me to let me know that her son would never love my daughter like he loves her and she will never steal him from her.

I just said ‘Okay’ and was grateful she hadn’t (I presume) said it to DD.

They’re about 10 years married now and things seem OK but they do live very close to her and see her most days.

Not sure what my advice is but could this be an opportunity to talk about how we decided what the limits are for us in terms of other peoples behaviour?

Original poster
Sue662 · 23/04/2022 22:44

His gran was crying apparently??

OP posts:
me4real · 23/04/2022 22:44

Being in floods of tears about it seems a bit much IMHO.

Original poster
Sue662 · 23/04/2022 22:45

Yes she could stay away but I’m thinking more long term it won’t be ideal will it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sue662 · 23/04/2022 22:46

I think she was a bit taken back, she’s only 18, she just wants to get in with her I think and is hurt that she thinks that is the case

OP posts:
ssd · 23/04/2022 22:47

I dont know what you expect people to say @Sue662 ??

me4real · 23/04/2022 22:48

His gran was crying apparently??

@Sue662 Ah ok that is a bit of an intense situation. I would say DD should probably avoid going around there, and her boyfriend could maybe think of moving out if he feels able.

Merryoldgoat · 23/04/2022 22:48

So what does her boyfriend say then?

Daisy95 · 23/04/2022 22:50

God my boyfriend at 18 dad was exactly the same, saying I was taking him away. The dad behaviour only got worse in the 5 year relationship even ended up with him abusing me. I’d tell her to run a mile, it’s not worth it, if she’s saying it now, she’ll always say it, wish I had!

AIMD · 23/04/2022 22:52

I’d talk to her about how to avoid emotional manipulation, how to maintain boundaries and be assertive. Possibly practice a few scenarios with her of responses she could give, actions she could take with the grandmother if anything similar occurs in the future.

maybe she should avoid the home for a while and see him else where.
she needs to be clear it’s not something she will accept and make sure it doesn’t become a set dynamic Incase the relationship is long term

crackingreward · 23/04/2022 22:55

Sue662 · 23/04/2022 22:45

Yes she could stay away but I’m thinking more long term it won’t be ideal will it?

It will be perfect actually. Stay away. No drama.

MumW · 23/04/2022 23:18

Boyfriend definitely needs to show your DD he has her back but maybe next time she could say something along the lines of "I'm sorry you feel that way, I was hoping you'd see it as gaining a granddaughter as I was hoping we'd be friends and you'd be more like another grandmother"