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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find what happened to DD really odd?

50 replies

Sue662 · 23/04/2022 21:18

So my DD has been seeing a lovely guy for a while now. He lives with his gran who has brought him up from being young I believe, my DD says she tries to make her feel bad by making comments and making her feel useless, she came home last night in floods of tears because the grandma apparently said that she was taking the grandson away from her? I was a bit taken back by it and don’t know how to help her? She just wants to get on with her I think? I dunno WWYD?

OP posts:

EmpressSuiko · 23/04/2022 23:19

This is on the BF to sort out OP. She needs to speak to him about how it’s making her feel, if he really cares about her then he’ll speak to his Grandmother, if she refusing to be nice to your DD then they stay away from her home.

Dita73 · 23/04/2022 23:28

My mother in law did this to me when I was first seeing my husband. She told me I was taking him away from her and was crying. I was only 19 at the time and had no idea what to say. We did end up having children and getting married and to be honest she was a pain in the arse all the way through. She was so possessive over him but he was a bit of a mummy’s boy so didn’t really help the situation. She’s been dead ten years and to be honest he now treats me like I’m his mother! Tell her to run

oakleaffy · 23/04/2022 23:59

ineedsun · 23/04/2022 22:43

I’ve told this story on here before. On DD’s wedding day, her new mother in law approached me to let me know that her son would never love my daughter like he loves her and she will never steal him from her.

I just said ‘Okay’ and was grateful she hadn’t (I presume) said it to DD.

They’re about 10 years married now and things seem OK but they do live very close to her and see her most days.

Not sure what my advice is but could this be an opportunity to talk about how we decided what the limits are for us in terms of other peoples behaviour?

That's one step away from Norma Bates behaviour!
Creepy as heck.

Dinoteeth · 24/04/2022 00:09

Op Granny sounds a bit .... emotional.

But we don't know what happened to her own child that she ended up raising her DGS.
She maybe does fear the empty nest syndrome much more than most as she's raised two generations. And has probably never had much time to be an adult without dependent children.

However I think she needs her BF to have her back and them both to reassure DGM that she won't be forgotten.

Dita73 · 24/04/2022 00:29

@ineedsun My husband and I had our two children before we got married. When we did get married my mother in law wrote in our wedding card “thank you for the two little mistakes” meaning our daughters!

Hertsgirl10 · 24/04/2022 00:34

Dita73 · 24/04/2022 00:29

@Dita73 I’m sorry that made me actually laugh out loud!
What is wrong with her 😂 Do you still speak?
I can’t cope with some of these replies, why are MIL like this?

Felicity42 · 24/04/2022 00:36

This boyfriend needs to step up and stand up for her. How can he let her get walked all over by his grandma. An 18yr old is going to find it hard to stand up to someone like that on her own that's for sure.

Dita73 · 24/04/2022 00:45

@Hertsgirl10 No she’s dead 👍🏻

Original poster

Sue662 · 24/04/2022 08:57

That’s the thing, I feel it’s a bit intense for my DD to be dealing with. Why are women like this?

OP posts:

ImustLearn2Cook · 24/04/2022 09:31

Why are women like this? @Sue662 I ask myself the same question. Us women face so many challenges in life. We really need to empathise with each other more, support each other. Not tear other women down or view other women as threats.

I agree with a previous post suggesting a response of: I’m sorry that you feel that way, I was hoping we could get along and have a good relationship.

I also agree with a previous post about using this as an opportunity to learn about establishing healthy boundaries and self respect. Could also be a good opportunity to explore what healthy relationships are.

EATmum · 24/04/2022 09:42

Just wondering how old the grandmother is? If she's starting to say things that are odd/out of character, it might be worth the boyfriend getting advice from the GP? It depends if this seems as odd to him as it does to us.

billy1966 · 24/04/2022 09:47

OP,

I would not be encouraging my daughter to remain in a relationship where the person she is seeing stands by and accepts this.

I would be encouraging her to protect herself by saying to him that "I don't think this is going to work as I have no interest in this type of drama".

I am a great believer in encouraging all my children to recognise drama people and avoid.

She is young, she doesn't need to be spending time in a house where she is clearly unwelcome.

Encourage her to recognise her value and to not tolerate being treated poorly.

I certainly wouldn't encourage her to go back there and try to win her round.

Screw that.

Owwlie · 24/04/2022 09:49

It's quite common for over-invested parents (or grandparents) to feel bfs or gfs are stealing their relatives away.

Yep. When I was 16 I went shopping with my then boyfriends mom (for something to wear to a family event of theirs). Afterwards my mom was fuming and told me ‘she can share you but I won’t let her have you’. She’s still jealous if I do anything with DHs family now.

I would encourage your DD to speak to him, he needs to speak to his gran and explain that he’s an adult now.

FAQs · 24/04/2022 09:53

You can see a lot of posters on MN on other threads are going to be like these MILs in the future!

My 17 year old daughters boyfriends mum was a little odd to start with, invited her to dinner but wouldn’t speak to her etc, my daughter found it awkward but more amusing than anything, they actually get on ok now, it’s only 6 months, and they are young and off to Uni soon but the first time my daughter just found it all strange and questioned why invite her to ignore her.

I think the best option is to arm your daughter with potential responses and to be open with her boyfriend about how she feels.

How old is granny and do you know the family circumstances?

crackingreward · 24/04/2022 10:02

Sue662 · 24/04/2022 08:57

That’s the thing, I feel it’s a bit intense for my DD to be dealing with. Why are women like this?

You are making far too much out of it. Your DD simply has to avoid. That's all. 'Women' are not like this. Some are of course, but when you see it you can avoid it.

Original poster

Sue662 · 24/04/2022 10:05

Think she is in her late 60’s the boyfriends mum has him quite young I believe and I get the impression she is quite controlling and took over.

there was a bit of an altercation which triggered this though, my daughter said the she woke up in the night and saw the grandma at the door staring? I thought oh don’t be silly haha but apparently the excuse was she hurt her foot and was checking if she woke them?

my DD raised this with boyfriend and this has come on the back of it I think

OP posts:

Cloud16 · 24/04/2022 10:13

Granny sounds creepy!!

Does boyfriend know this happened? If not, she should tell him and his reaction really gives her the answer to the question of staying or running a mile.

MyEasterEggs · 24/04/2022 10:48

I wonder if the solution is for them to spend more time together at yours?

It doesn’t sound like BF has done anything to address the problem, but he’ll have to if your daughter stops going.

Grandma has a choice; be unkind and see less of grandson, or behave and see more of him…and maybe even enjoy life and get to know your daughter.

Your daughter doesn’t deserve this. I put up with it for 18 months before I stopped spending time with ExBFs family. They were a tight bunch, and I used to love that about them, but his mother and grandmother were vile to me. His dad was other level. Quite sinister.

When I stopped seeing so much of them and stopped seeking their approval, they suddenly wanted to see me, invited me on holiday, hinted about marriage and children. I ended it for a few reasons but mainly because I was tired of the drama. It sucked so much joy out of me and the relationship.

chisanunian · 24/04/2022 10:57

How old is the boyfriend?

Presumably there is no grandad on the scene, so maybe grandma thinks of her grandson as the man of the house.

GladAllOver · 24/04/2022 11:02

The grandma has looked after him for years, and now expects him to take care of her in return, in her old age.
I can understand her feelings but she should have known that he would find someone one day. If he's as nice as you say he wouldn't abandon his grandma completely.

Original poster

Sue662 · 24/04/2022 11:22

no grandad on the scene they split up I believe. BF is 18 and is so lovely, just wondering if my DD should get out now I think I would haha

OP posts:

chisanunian · 24/04/2022 11:35

I think your dd should stop going to his house, yes.

What the eye don't see, the heart don't grieve over, as the old saying goes. And of course the grandma can hardly prevent him from going out.

Dinoteeth · 24/04/2022 12:17

Could grandma be worried about another teenage pregnancy?

If she's only in her 60s and Gran to 18 yo, (assuming the boy is similar age to your DD) that means both she and her child had children young and maybe doesn't want history to repeat itself again.

Esp since she's been left holding the baby, possibly twice!

I think I'd encourage DD and BF to spend more time at yours. But make sure they don't forget Granny completely

crackingreward · 24/04/2022 12:22

Sue662 · 24/04/2022 11:22

no grandad on the scene they split up I believe. BF is 18 and is so lovely, just wondering if my DD should get out now I think I would haha

Urgh. No. She just needs to avoid the woman. There is no need to end a perfectly good relationship.

Echobelly · 24/04/2022 13:13

I think she has to let go of getting on with the grandma - it's just not going to happen.

I was really, really devasted when my future MIL did not like me and it really obssessed me in the first few years of mine and DH's relationship that I had to find a way to make her see my worth. I'm not the best thing since sliced bread or anything, but I was always of the belief you should try to get on with people who you have to interact with often and it kind of shook me to meet someone who didn't care about that. As it was, she came round to me quite a lot when we got engaged and I've learned to accept she has a go and complains at everyone she knows now and then, and no one's always in her good books. But I accept we'll never truly get on.

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