Terrified of ivf - please can somebody reassure me

[ivfscared]

Hi everyone,

Long story short, I think I'm going to have to have ivf if any hopes of having my own child. Nothing confirmed yet but it looks like I'll be losing at least one Fallopian tube due to endometriosis.

Never in a million years did I think I would have to type that - as I'm sure nobody else does!

I'm absolutely terrified. I'm scared of needles. I'm scared of pessaries. Mentally I'm weak.

I'm hugely in shock and just feel devastated, can't drag myself out of rock bottom.

Sorry for the post but I have no one to turn to. Husband is supportive obviously but family are being quite dismissive and avoiding it.

Please can somebody reassure me in some way. Not really sure what I'm asking for here, I'm just heartbroken. I'm 30.

(This post is not intended to cause any offence to anybody so please, please do not get offended by this. I am struggling an astronomical amount and just desperately need support/help).

I've just been through IVF and due to give birth in three weeks. More than happy for you to pm me for any support or advice.

The needles, don't worry. Get your partner to do them. Ice your belly, stick a cushion over your face and tell partner to pinch tummy and stick it in. After a few you'll get used to it.

Pessaries are a piece of cake, just messy. They come with an applicator like a tampon, slide in, click button and lie down for half an hour if possible.

Also, try and see it as an adventure and an amazing opportunity. We really surprised ourselves with our attitudes through IVF after being so sad and bitter for so long after losses. Xxx

If it helps, I am very very squeamish, I faint at needles, blood, medical stuff generally and have a degree of PTSD from an assault years ago. I found myself with unexplained fertility and ended up having one IVF cycle and then an FET and 9 months after the FET, a planned c-section. The support from all the clinicians every step of the way was without exception amazing, they talked and held my hand through everything. And the counsellor at the IVF clinic was fabulous - maybe worth enquiring about an appointment with a fertility counsellor now to talk through how you're feeling? I found knowledge helpful - the unknown and your own imagination are the worst. Feel free to PM me if you have any specific questions.

O and read "It starts with the Egg" I found that really good for the few months leading up to the IVF to prep my body x

I’ve had two full round of IVF and a few FETs. I am also petrified of needles. I’m more than happy for you to pm with any questions. I actually found that I was happier doing the injections myself - the needles are tiny too.

I was the same as you. I’m not going to lie, it was hell for me so I’m probably not much use really! I can however help with how to do the injections:

ice the area
talk to yourself, to anyone there, complete gibberish if you need to, holidays, remembering fun things, whatever pops in to your head
play music loudly
make a countdown chart of all the injections so you can tick them off one by one
drink gallons of water before any blood tests so your veins are nice and juicy
take plenty of rest
practice a bit of hypnotherapy/a safe place you can escape go in your brain
make a cracking fun plan for what to do afterwards if it’s unsuccessful but also prepare yourself for it working too (I didn’t do this but which was a bit stupid!)
If you can’t do the injections anymore, get your partner to do it. I did the down regulating ones, but couldn’t do the next batch so DH did them for me. I’d ice my tummy, play music and talk non stop with a Tshirt tied round my eyes so I couldn’t see anything and cried after every one.
stay away from google as much as you can - I discovered I had low ovarian reserve and only produced 6 eggs which became 4 blasts and needed a few days extra stims which destroyed me at the time. It compounded my feeling of failure as the Internet was awash with women who produced a gazillion eggs, and only bad stories for women like me.
decide how many you have implanted! I had 2 implanted as I was convinced two in would equal one out if I was really bloody lucky. The world had the last laugh when they both stuck which was a massive surprise!

It may well suck, and I don’t know if I could do another round if I needed to. I found the whole experience pretty traumatic at the time, but the passing of time has helped greatly. I wish you all the very best on your journey, please be kind to yourself and treat yourself as much as you are able to 💐

Can I suggest trying your best not to worry too much about it until after the surgery? I had a laproscopy and was warned I may loose a tube and an ovary, but I didn't. So much mental energy went into something that didn't happen. Yes it's good to be prepared and understand the possible outcomes, but do try to just focus your energy on each step as it happens.

Unless you have both tubes removed there's still a very real chance of natural conception with the right support if that is what you're more comfortable with. Fertility support in the UK very quickly pushes everyone towards IVF nowadays but that doesn't mean it's right for everyone or the best option. Wishing you all the best xxx

OP, I am really glad that people have come on and offered you the reassurance you want about the process. Thousands of people have managed to create families this way when they would have had no hope otherwise, and that is wonderful, precious thing.

I just wanted to add one important thing.

You don’t HAVE to do it, if you don’t want to. There is always that option.

We had fertility problems caused by my hormonal issues, and explored all our options. We looked into everything, and it turned out that for me, IVF would be very risky, given my own unique make up. DH looked at me and said quite clearly that he wasn’t prepared to risk losing me, even if that meant no children.

That was our decision, and it was right for us, and although there have been times when it’s been hard, we are still happy and together nearly 20 years on from that decision.

I know how easy it is to get caught up in the process, and this message can get lost, so I do like to offer an alternative view just as food for thought. You have to do what’s right for you, and I’m sure that will be to go ahead and brave the IVF, with your eye on the prize of your child! That’s worth overcoming fear of needles for.

I wish you all the luck in the world in your journey.

I felt like this when I was told we should do IVF, I was 24 at the time, unexplained infertility. So it hit me a lot - because I actually didn't know what was wrong. I was crying and asking why me. But then I had my first cycle and I felt exited to start, because I wanted to have a family so bad.

@FloraPostePosts thank you for sharing your experience. I think this is so rarely said and if of loved to have read your post a year or so ago when I was struggling with whether to go down the IVF route.

I was really pushed down the IVF route due to endometriosis, fibroids, cysts and 4 years of no pregnancy but deep down I knew it wasn't right for me, and explored other routes. I am extraordinarily grateful to have conceived naturally since. The things that were improved made the difference of conceiving and would not have been picked up on the standard IVF route, so IVF would of been likely also failed.

I really do believe in following your gut and looking at all the options. The NHS tests and IVF tunnel vision is very limited. At an IVF clinic I was told after my first scan with them that the only way I may conceive was with ICSI, but after 4 years not to have great hopes. A year later with the right tests and consultants I was able to conceive naturally and it was the biggest shock of my life, thinking after 5 years the future would be child free. You have time to get other opinions, look at all your options.

IVF is incredible. I have many friends who have children from it. But it's not for everyone, so if you're really anxious it may be worth delving into that more, is there more to it, and do you have other options.

Keep reaching out, and most importantly listen to your gut, that's the biggest thing I've learnt ❤️ xx

Thank you all so, so much for your lovely, lovely responses.

Luckily I don't have a full blown needle phobia - just very much dislike them. (Getting my covid jab was a massive deal but I did do it)
In terms of the pessaries - I can't actuall even insert tampons. I have huuuuge problems with tensing up so any pelvic examinations are incredibly difficult as I just can't relax! So this is possibly worse than the idea of the injections even! Mardy aren't I!

@daysfilledwithdappledlight I agree with you completely. I have built this up in my head to the absolute 'worst' case scenario and I am struggling to see past that. I had suspected hydrosalpinx on one tube but from what I've read online it does say that the other tends to also be damaged. It does seem safe to say I will be losing the hydrosalpinx tube (should it be confirmed to be that).

I just feel really ashamed and disappointed that my body has failed me. I'm embarrassed too. Yet for all of you here talking to me about your experiences with ivf (and everyone else whose had it too for that matter) I feel proud and admired by them. But when ir comes down to me I'm angry at myself.

As mentioned further below too, I feel EXTREMELY bitter towards others that have conceived so easily! I never thought I'd look at friends who've had children so quickly and easily and hate them!!

💜thank you all 💜

There is nothing shameful or embarrassing about not being able to conceive naturally. As a PP has said, you still have choices. iVF may not be the right choice for you or it may be exactly the right choice. Don’t be rushed into anything and do take time to explore other options.

The only thing I would recommend is that you try to find a better way to relate to people who do have children. Their happiness is unrelated to your experience and you don’t want to lose your friends because of it.

@bridgetreilly

Thank you, I do wish I could turn these huge emotions off and just try to relax and wait until I've had my lap to see exactly what is happening. I hate being jealous and bitter about friends getting pregnant. It's great for them - I just wish it was me :(

The only possibly 'good' thing is is that we are right at the beginning of ttc so we are kind of 'lucky' that we've got information so early on and can act appropriately. It just shatters me that we've waited so long to ttc (through my own personal issues) and I feel like I've been kicked in the face.

I feel like I'm being so cruel and flippant with my words so again, I never want to cause any offence to anybody. Just expressing my (very pent up) feelings xx

I do think that you’d benefit from some therapy to try to get on a more even keel before you start - the hormones alone send you into emotional hyperspace, and the prospect of losses along the way is something you’ll have to face too, so you will need to draw on all your resilience to get through that side if treatment, if you do go down the ivf route.

The good thing is that you’ve got time to get into a better place while you have your investigations, and each one will give you a bit more concrete information on which to base your decision making.

But having someone to talk to who can help you manage these big feelings seems like another priority, from the outside looking in.

We started TTC when I was 27 and it wouldn't happen. 2 ectopic pregnancies later and I had my second laparoscopy (investigative). We had been referred to the fertility clinic in Bristol and had finally managed to get an appointment. They were lovely and luckily I conceived DS after that laparoscopy. My tubes had been blocked and they cleared them out, which helped. I was pregnant by the time our follow-up appointment came round. I was 33 when DS was born.
We then tried to conceive a sibling from when he was about a year old. He's now 5. I've had two more ectopics, one more laparoscopy, during which they removed my left tube. We had moved countries and my medical files hadn't been transferred, so we basically started from scratch convincing my doctor that we'd most likely need help again. I got referred for IVF last year and we've done two rounds (unfortunately unsuccessful) so far. I've just started round 3 and we are doing the long protocol this time.
You get used to the injections. I get them out of the way in the morning and then that's done for the day. I've also luckily not really had any side effects.
One thing I did learn, though, was to eat something and have a cup of tea before the injection. I also lie down on the sofa for a few minutes. The first time, I hadn't had anything to eat or drink before and was sitting up. I passed out and was feeling sick for hours afterwards. This hasn't happened again since.
The egg collection was fine first time round. No side effets and I was up again and at work again the next day. Second time, I felt like I had been run over and everything hurt and I struggled to breathe when laying down. I did need a few days off. So make sure to listen to your body and go with the flow.
Good luck.

I have a friend whose husband did her injections for her. I did my own. I'm not scared of needles though. I do think the absolute want for a child spurs you on to do it.i was scared before the first needle but then once I did it and got over the fear of it I was fine. I wanted to have some control over the situation and do it myself but a partner definitely could. There are some great YouTube videos of people doing theirs to get you psyched up. I also found a good instructional video on doing the pessary which I then found the easiest bit. Also helped that I knew thr progesterone would help.prevent miscarriage and once I read up on that I was happy to shove them up my bum lol

You gave already had some amazing supportive advice 😊

I just wanted to say that I was terrified of IVF. The fear of the unknown and how I would cope. You do cope. Take it step by step. Try not to think further than where you are at.
I look back and can’t believe I actually went through it 2x fresh 2x fet.

you will have plenty of knowledge along the way and really use the above advice posts. They are fab

good luck

"I had suspected hydrosalpinx on one tube" exactly what they thought I had - on further investigation it was clear, please do try and not catastrophise. My surgeon was very positive about the other one rarely being affected. One step at a time. Look into your options and keep listening to what feels right for you.

And struggling with people around you falling pregnant easily is completely understandable. Don't beat yourself up for that. It's very possibly to be happy for a friend but sad that your journey has been more difficult than you hoped. Suggest following some Instagram accounts / joining some communities with people that understand those complicated emotions. I can recommend @uniquelyknitted and @thisisalicerose for starters 👍 I never had counselling but I probably should have, so well worth it if you can - find someone with experience with infertility / fertility investigations so they understand what you're going through. (Someone I know has used nicolaheadley.com/contact/ and been really positive about them)

Wish you all the best. Finding a safe space to explore your worries and feelings is so important but please try to remember what is true to you right now, and it's still a real possibility you'll be able to conscience naturally or have many options after the lap xxx

The 'peanut' app is also good for talking to people and finding people / chats that are going through similar things whilst trying to conceive xx

@daysfilledwithdappledlight

That's very interesting and hopeful!!! I've never heard of hydrosalpinx before and when I googled it looked rare.

How did your doctor first suspect it can I ask ? Interesting that you then didn't end up having it!!

Thank you so much for your advice, I'm taking it all in and it is definitely helping thank you xx

@Newmumatlast

My husband has agreed that he will do the injections - reluctantly but that's the least of his problems :(

In other news... the pessaries go up your bum?!! I thought it was the front!! 😂

I had 6 rounds of IVF.

The needles are super fine, once you've mastered it after a couple you'll relax. It's one of those times when you're grateful for a bit of tummy.

It does become a bit all consuming and it helps if your IVF clinic offers counselling.

On the other hand you do get a bit into the science.

I’m not sure I can add much to the advice you have already been given but I just wanted to add that I felt exactly the same as you when we were first told we would probably need to have IVF. I did have a full blown needle phobia and I was absolutely terrified, I really didn’t believe there was any way I could do it. But I did, four times and we now have a beautiful little baby boy.

In terms of the pessaries, I do know someone who had progesterone as injections rather than pessaries so it might be worth enquiring about that if you feel that it’s the pessaries that are more of a problem.

@RunnerDuck2020

So pleased for you, 4 rounds must have been really tough 💝

Thanks for the info on progesterone injections - I'd definitely prefer that than pessaries! Bet I'm the only person ever who'd choose that over pessaries lol xx

I’d echo what others have said- make sure you eat something and have a cuppa before your injection and what really helped me was to elevate my legs on a couple of cushions so that they were above my heart. I used to be very prone to passing out after injections and needless to say IVF was real exposure therapy. My husband did all
my injections and perfected the art of talking nonsense to me to distract me as he did so! As someone who had never had a medical procedure I was petrified of the whole process and worried myself sick about it. As a result of the pandemic I had to go to most of the appointments myself and found it so hard to concentrate on the one where they are explained how to do the injections. I vividly remember watching a YouTube video with my husband the night before I started my injections and being in floods of tears! I totally understand how are you feeling. But in actuality it was not as bad as I had built it up to be, even the egg retrieval which I was most worried about. Obviously everyone has different experiences but I am sitting here typing this with my gorgeous baby girl sleeping on me. I’d go back and do it all again. If you want to PM me please do. Good luck 🤞🥰

Just on the tube thing, I had to have a tube and ovary removed due to ovarian torsion and it hasn't affected my fertility at all - I've been pregnant 6 times (not all of them successful) with just the one side working. Regular monthly periods.

I know there's more to your medical history than that but I hope it helps to reassure you a little bit that if you get to keep one side it'll quietly pick up duties and you won't even notice a change.