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Original poster

Please help me feel better about my teens

35 replies

mycatisannoying · 22/04/2022 22:43

I'm sitting here crying and feeling rather low about parenting my soon-to-be 16 and 13 year old daughters. Also have a 20 year old, but she's an angel who's grown out of the bratty stuff now Grin
It all started last night when I implemented a new phone rule. Nothing hardcore at all (I'm really pretty relaxed), just to get off them at a reasonable time before bed and put them to charge outside the bedrooms overnight. Well, you'd think I'd asked them to commit mass murder. And then it just kind of snowballed. I remained calmish throughout, but it's just so fucking hard.
Their dad picked them up tonight, as it's their weekend with him (good timing!) and apparently all they did was bitch about me to him. They've always been reasonably loyal before, so I feel that this crossed a line and I'm so bloody disappointed.
They are such privileged kids. Spoilt by their wealthy dad (both are being taken by him for iPhone 13s tomorrow), private school, holidays, lovely meals out, etc.
I guess you could say I'm more of the 'real' parent, the one who deals with all the nitty gritty. I try to raise them to be kind, to have empathy, to understand that you can't live your life without consequence, to take responsibility, and not spend endless amounts on them. But I feel like I'm failing miserably.
Earlier today I took a deep breath and phoned their dad (something I hardly ever do) about a couple of important matters pertaining to the girls. He made a dig about me to my eldest tonight about how 'your mother likes to talk and doesn't get to the point'. I checked the call time and it was 3 minutes long, that's all.
Next time I won't bother.
I'm just downhearted tonight and feel like fucking off and leaving them all to it.
I know this is an odd request, but please could you give me your unreasonable teen stories Smile
It's hard being a single parent and not a co parent as there's never anyone to tell you you're doing alright, or that you made the right shout when you did X or Y.
So sometimes I think 'is it just me fucking all of this up?' when actually I'm trying kinda hard to raise them to be good people Sad
Thanks (and please be gentle).

OP posts:
monkeysox · 22/04/2022 22:46

Teens can be awful. It's not you 🌸

Original poster
mycatisannoying · 22/04/2022 22:46

Aww, thank you!

OP posts:
Threetulips · 22/04/2022 22:49

Teens are annoying!

Think of it as a long term project- your main aim is to keep them alive until they turn 18!

Next is to make sure they are fed and watered and generally clean - although they can do that themselves and you can rely on their mates to give them a nudge!

My teens are fairly ok! Kind thoughtful but addicted to their phones, which is communication with friends, games, encyclopedia, homework, research and general crap.

we had DVD players, board games and the library, popped to the bank, shopping, - they do t need those things they have phones!

when you think of it that way it isn’t so bad is it?

Original poster
mycatisannoying · 22/04/2022 22:49

I can never figure out if my expectations are too high, or not high enough! Confused

OP posts:
gandalf456 · 22/04/2022 22:49

It's the end of the school holidays. Say no more. I am about to sell my 13 year old son on ebay (joke). The nearly 18 year old has grown out of most of it now and is not so bad

Original poster
mycatisannoying · 22/04/2022 22:50

Thanks TT and everyone else.

OP posts:
millytint44 · 22/04/2022 22:55

Single mum of a 13 Yr old daughter here. She tells me to f off. I've once tried to implement rules similar to yours with the phone... ended up trying to wrestle the damn thing out of her hand. I just gave up. I sympathise but have zero wisdom to share!

GetThatHelmetOn · 22/04/2022 22:57

Single mum here as well. I take no prisoners, the only two times DS treated me like that I told him he was free to move to his dad (and I meant it!). There is no way I would allow him to put me down and joke at my expense when I do all the hardwork, not that I could compete with his dad’s money either.

The bottom line is that they misbehave with you because they trust you will always be there for you, no matter what. But you also need to teach them you are a team, not a pushover and also that you deserve respect.

It is possible that they may want to go and live with their dad, but honestly, what is the likelihood their dad will not return them to you in a couple of weeks when he starts being blessed with the nasty behaviour?

GetThatHelmetOn · 22/04/2022 22:58

Trust you you will always be there for them.

pumpkinpie01 · 22/04/2022 22:58

Mine are older now , but they were all hard work in their own ways - my ds16 brought a car home once , a total wreck , and wanted it in the garden , when I stood my ground we had an enormous row and he went to his dads for 6 weeks ! My middle son was generally argumentative for about 4 years and my daughter was like Jekyll and Hyde one minute ' let's do face packs mum ' literally 2 minutes later shouting at me to get out of her room. They can be unreasonable, selfish and have no empathy pick your battles , stand your ground when you are right and honestly things will get better .

Original poster
mycatisannoying · 22/04/2022 23:03

Thanks everyone - I feel a bit better already. I daresay they'll see the value in what I'm trying to do in about 20 years' time!

OP posts:
Maddiemoosmum0203 · 22/04/2022 23:16

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
mycatisannoying · 22/04/2022 23:18

Thanks. My sister has 3 boys and they're very different easier? to raise.

OP posts:
RockinHorseShit · 22/04/2022 23:24

Thanks everyone - I feel a bit better already. I daresay they'll see the value in what I'm trying to do in about 20 years' time!

They see the value of it now, that's why it's you that's getting it in the neck, you are their safe space & those rules & boundaries are their security blanket.

Mine has been hell for a few years & I only have the one, but jeez she has had me at breaking point & I'm not single, might have been easier fir a while if I was, because she was playing me & her dad off against each other & he never saw her nasty side & boy she was evil at times. She was like Jekyll & Hyde on steroids 🥴.

We've ended up with counselling & I'd highly recommend it as it's been a godsend having somewhere to offload & be reassured I'm doing it right. We've learnt a few tips too & we are finally coming out of the other side of it & I'm seeing the benefits of my being her punch bag for a few years. She suffers badly with anxiety, but she is coming out the other as a fierce young woman & is coping brilliantly with situations I would never have imagined a few years ago.

You have my sympathy 💐

Threetulips · 22/04/2022 23:33

I daresay they'll see the value in what I'm trying to do in about 20 years' time!

Well if nothing else, motherhood teaches us to appreciate our own mothers more!

Sandra2010 · 22/04/2022 23:59

Honestly, my DS is 20 and I'm currently on the edge of throwing him out. I keep thinking, where the hell did I go wrong with him? How can he possibly be so inconsiderate, self-centred, and generally an arsehole, when his sister is the opposite? How can two people who were brought up exactly the same and only 2 years apart be so totally different? I love him so much, but I'm struggling to like him just now and it's breaking my heart. So, no, you're not alone at all. Sometimes, they're all little arseholes.

GetThatHelmetOn · 23/04/2022 00:03

mycatisannoying · 22/04/2022 23:18

Thanks. My sister has 3 boys and they're very different easier? to raise.

They are different, my partner has a bit and a girl and the teen boy is absolutely vicious when is in a mood, while the girl is very easy going. Looking at my son’s friends you can get nasty or lovely characters regardless of their sex but I do feel that culturally speaking girls are more often allowed to gat away with far more nastiness when it comes to be bitchy.

We were 3 girls and I can assure you we never behaved like that, my parents wouldn’t have put up with nasty disrespectful behaviour.

Catupatree123 · 23/04/2022 00:19

My 16 year old dd accused me of trying to sabotage her because of the way I plaited her hair (at her request!) She's Jeckyl and Hyde and when confronted on her unreasonable and demanding behavior she actually said that her generation (she uses that phrase a lot) and just entitled and I should just go along with it!

RockinHorseShit · 23/04/2022 14:07

Lucky you @ get. I bet your bum crack chaffing badly with those judgey pants pulled so far up your arse

So, so, so naive 🙄

notanothertakeaway · 23/04/2022 14:14

Children need stability, security, love, respect and consistent, reasonable boundaries

Did you discuss your new phone rule in advance? Do they agree to it? Do you lead by example, with your own phone use?

I wonder if your almost 16 year old is old enough to be taking responsibility for their own bedtime, so the argument wasnt really about the phone rule, but about her autonomy / independence

itsgettingweird · 23/04/2022 14:23

Teens are so sure they're wait is right and they know everything Grin

Everything you do is obviously to ruin their life as you just don't understand Wink

How about trying a different tact of sitting down and discussing some rules and each having their viewpoint, explain the rationale for them and once agreed type them up.

I find making the things they want dependent on what they are willing to put in helps.

But yes it's hard when your a LP to teens. I feel your pain. My ds dad isn't in the picture and everyone's always empathised that I have had to do it alone but I've always said in some ways it's easier - ds doesn't have anyone to hold me against and compare me too Grin plus I don't ever feel I have to compete with a Disney dad or I'm doing all the drud work whilst someone else is doing the fun bits.

Original poster
mycatisannoying · 23/04/2022 14:26

@notanothertakeaway

My 16 year old fell asleep during a school play, and slept in for school the other day. 13 year old is experiencing difficulty staying focused at school. So, no, I won't be allowing them to take control of bed times. They are poor at self-regulation when it comes to their phones.
Not everything has to be agreed too, and certain steps must be implemented for their own good. I don't run a dictatorship but don't believe that everything should be up for negotiation either. It's all about balance ultimately.
Thanks for your viewpoint though.

OP posts:
Etinoxaurus · 23/04/2022 14:30

One of mine had me tearing my hair out- stand up screaming rows over screentime, performative self harm, social services CAHMS. For about 6 months Confused
8 years on and she’s now a Russel Group graduate with a humanitarian job living independently with a lovely partner and in constant chatty touch.
It does get better ❤️‍🩹 Flowers

Original poster
mycatisannoying · 23/04/2022 14:33

@Etinoxaurus

So glad to hear - thank you!

OP posts:
doggiescats · 23/04/2022 14:38

Oh bless you. It really will get better…if you look up teen brain development you will understand why they can be so vile at times ….obviously don’t justify that excuse too them 😉
My three are all in their 20s now and are great company.X

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