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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask when my DD15 will get over her heartbreak

37 replies

Fishandchipstwice · 22/04/2022 19:00

DD got her first boyfriend last year and they were together almost a year and appeared to be completely smitten with each other.
He dumped her at the end of February without any warning and she is still really struggling. We have kept her busy with activities and friends but she is still crying on and off and moping about.
Unfortunately they are in the same tennis club so she sees him regularly and her team mates couldn’t wait to tell her when he had a new girlfriend almost immediately and he’s been very proficient at putting it all over social media (she isn’t looking but gets sent screen shots regularly by others!)
I keep waiting for her to get angry but she doesn’t seem to be moving beyond sad. There are some things I could share with her that would make her realise he was not as perfect as she still thinks but I know the advice is not to speak badly of the ex so I haven’t.
She is so young to be dealing with such huge emotions and for the first time in her life, I can’t fix it! I thought she’d be well over it by now. Does anyone have any advice that might help please?

OP posts:

CordeliaChasex · 22/04/2022 19:04

There is no right or wrong length of time to get over someone and it sounds like those around her are not helping, so are prolonging her misery.

Her friends need to stop stirring things up and sending her pictures.

And I would discourage you from describing her sadness as "moping about". It's not a very kind way to view a child who's struggling with serious heartbreak, especially as it came as a sudden shock and she has been immediately replaced. Poor kid can't even get away from him because they're at the same tennis club.

Her self esteem and trust in people has taken its first huge knock. She needs kindness. You cannot set your watch to grief, and what she's experiencing is a kind of grief.

She will be okay, but she needs her mum to be an unwavering source of support.

MatildaTheCat · 22/04/2022 19:10

Have a sharp word with her friends about the screen shots, that’s such a dick move to a friend.

when I was a broken hearted teenager my Dad used to take me for walks. I really didn’t want to go but the rhythm of placing one foot in front of the other is very soothing. Walking, running, swimming all equally good and even more if done together. Yoga good for clearing the mind. Watching box sets together and chatting about them, in fact almost any shared activities that don’t involve sitting sadly.

you can’t rush her but you can definitely distract her.

Greensleeves · 22/04/2022 19:13

Poor girl, she must be absolutely devastated. Adolescence is a time of intense emotions anyway, and this situation would cause an adult woman huge distress.

I think how you handle this will be decisive in your future relationship with her, tbh. She needs you to respect the magnitude of her feelings here and not characterise her pain as "moping about". It will take as long as it takes, and it's a process she needs to go through as part of growing up and learning to manage relationships and their endings. Just be patient, be there for her, don't rush her or expect too much of her and treat her like someone who has just gone through a traumatic breakup, not a child being dramatic.

LegalEagle931 · 22/04/2022 19:17

She'll get there, but first love and the resulting first heartbreak when it goes wrong are massive when you're in the middle of it all. I was couple of years older then your DD when my first boyfriend dumped me and it took me a good few months to get over it...7 or 8 weeks in I was still well and truly in the miserable and moping stage.

Just be kind, offer distractions when you can and let time do it's thing.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 22/04/2022 19:21

I know she shouldn't have to, but would it be easier if she switched to a new tennis club?

Even as an adult, I would find it incredibly difficult if I had to see and interact with my ex on a regular basis - I can't imagine how hard that is for a 15yo girl.

It sounds like her team "mates" aren't helping either, so I wonder whether it would be easier if she started afresh somewhere else and made some new friends?

Hutchy16 · 22/04/2022 19:26

Stop being a jerk and just be there if she needs you…don’t put a timeline on something because you don’t know how she feels. She will deal with it in her own time

vipersnest1 · 22/04/2022 19:30

Here's something that might help - you can judge whether or not it will.
I've been in the position of helping someone going through similar. I asked her if she was planning on marrying him and having babies with him. Her reply? 'Of course not!' I then pointed out that it wasn't the end of the world in that case. She smiled.

Aprilx · 22/04/2022 19:30

Some people take time with these things, I do. It took me a year to get over my first boyfriend when he dumped me (I was 18). I think you need to let her be and I agree with the last poster saying that she is moping about is very unkind, I am sure she wishes she did not feel sad and miserable and isn’t doing it on purpose.

Bootothegoose · 22/04/2022 19:34

Bless her cotton socks, nothing hurts quite like first love.

eight weeks (ish) isn’t overly long… they usually say for every month you were together it takes a week to begin to move on. I found this to be quite true. I would say by Autumn he’ll be last week’s news. Everything feels better over summer.

Eightiesfan · 22/04/2022 19:35

Girls that age can be horrible, and it sounds like they are gloating about the split. I wouldn’t even think about changing her tennis club as that will just give them something else to gossip about. Support your daughter and just tell her to keep her head held high. When she meets someone else she’ll wonder what she ever saw in BF1.

emmetgirl · 22/04/2022 19:37

You know, I'm mid 50s now and I can still remember very clearly the utter devastation I felt the first time I had my heart broken. No words of wisdom but your poor DD. We know she'll get over this; before too long she will too xx

Original poster

Fishandchipstwice · 22/04/2022 19:42

Thanks - I haven’t said to her that she is moping about. Wouldn’t dream of it - it was merely a descriptive term for here.
She has asked people to stop sending screenshots - it’s quite hard for her as he appears to have gone on the exact same dates to the exact same places and taken the exact same photos that he took with DD!
She’s also in the tennis team group chat, as is he, and he’s happy to discuss his activities on there which is hard too. She can’t leave it as a lot of practices etc are organised on there. Have looked for a new club but there is nothing anywhere near us with a teen team.
I’m reassured to hear that teen heartbreak can take a while as I was wondering if had become something more.

OP posts:

WestminsterCrabby · 22/04/2022 19:49

Oh bless her. I remember my first heartbreak at the same age as her so vividly, in fact it remains the breakup I've taken the hardest in my life and I'm 30 now so theres been a fair few more!

I think the realisation that people can discard you like that is a harsh one and time is the only real healer, sadly.

All you can do is be there for her, listen to her, let her cry on your shoulder and do your best to build her back up again. Try and offer lots of distractions, perhaps a pamper evening or start a new TV show together?

Footballsundays6777 · 22/04/2022 19:53

Totally concour with what others have said, my first break up at 16 was by far the worst I’ve ever experienced. I honestly felt like my heart was breaking. He got with of my peer group quite quickly, (we’d been together about 13/14 month) and the utter devastation of seeing them around college together broke me every day. But after a few months, maybe 3/4 months my mopping around stopped, summer came , I got a part time job and enjoyed myself.

Just give her time space and support, things toll look forward too, it will get better!

Ahwig · 22/04/2022 19:56

My mum was very much “a pull yourself together , you don’t know what love is” type of person after a break up. I was 16 and broken-hearted . I vowed to myself I would be different as a parent and I’m glad to say I never belittled my sons feelings and he was able to tell me how he felt. My father on the other hand who was never a heart on the sleeve kind of guy, sat on the end of my bed and just held me while I sobbed and sobbed for 2 hours straight. In a funny way that is now a cherished memory.

Ducksurprise · 22/04/2022 20:05

My father on the other hand who was never a heart on the sleeve kind of guy, sat on the end of my bed and just held me while I sobbed and sobbed for 2 hours straight. In a funny way that is now a cherished memory.

Not funny, lovely.

Kitten2 · 22/04/2022 20:17

Don't think I have ever gotten over my first heartbreak at 15. Or my second, at 18. All these years later I still think of them. It was enormous pain at the time. I was broken.

Shiningstarr · 22/04/2022 20:19

Is being in the same tennis group helping though? Especially having to be on the same group for messaging?

I know she shouldn't have to leave, but I can only say how I would personally feel, and I would need the clean break in order to move on.

Maybe a different hobby to start?

HangOnToYourself · 22/04/2022 20:21

Poor thing, I'm 35 and still takes months and months to get over heartbreak

Kitten2 · 22/04/2022 20:21

At 15 I remember my mum trying to help but after weeks had gone past there wasn't much she could do. We went to a a shopping centre a lot after school, so I wouldn't just sit there thinking about him. I felt so lost I actually joined a church (raised atheist) and weirdly found a lot of comfort in it and met some new friends including a new love interest. Though it didn't last long.
I also had some counselling through the school, I guess they must have realised I was struggling.

Life got better after 6 -12 months.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 22/04/2022 20:21

Eightiesfan · 22/04/2022 19:35

It's not about whether it'll give them something to gossip about, it's about what will help the DD feel better.

It's really really hard to get over a relationship when you still have to see that person regularly, and when you still have participate in group chats with them. Even as an adult, I've always wanted as little as possible to do with my ex's as speaking to them just opened everything up again and made it 10x harder.

If she leaves the club and cuts contact, it won't matter whether they're gossiping or not anyway :)

Dealwithit · 22/04/2022 20:22

Footballsundays6777 · 22/04/2022 19:53

Just give her time space and support, things toll look forward too, it will get better!

This. Go into her room and snuggle her and say nothing. Reassure her of her worth and boundaries and her self esteem.
take her out for fresh air etc have you got a dog? Can it sleep on her bed.

talk to the friends - she doesn’t need her nose rubbed in it.

Original poster

Fishandchipstwice · 22/04/2022 21:42

Thanks. I’m so torn about the tennis club but she absolutely loves it. I went to watch a match the other day and just seeing him made my stomach lurch so she must find it so difficult seeing him there.
I just can’t believe she still sees him as perfect - I could really open her eyes in that respect but I won’t.

OP posts:

RobertaFirmino · 23/04/2022 02:22

Oh the poor love, it's the absolute pits. Could she put her feelings down on paper and do something symbolic like burn it or tear it up into shreds? Might help with 'closing the door', so to speak.

Spending time with friends outside the tennis crew might help too. Less reminders of the ex, different conversations and new people to meet - which will include new boys!

As for getting her to see he's not what she thinks he is, why not mention that if you were the ex's current girlfriend, you wouldn't be happy to find out he'd taken you to the exact same places, done the same things and taken the same photos as he did with his last girlfriend. Ask her what she thinks that says about a man.

She'll be alright in the end, we all are. In the meantime, I think it would be a terrible shame to quit a sport I loved or move to a different club because of a boy.

Original poster

Fishandchipstwice · 23/04/2022 10:15

I’ve spoken to her again and she’s adamant she doesn’t want to leave the tennis club so I’m not going to force her.
i guess it’s just going to take time. It’s just so hard to hear her crying when she thinks we are all asleep!

OP posts:

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