Regarding ex and allotment

[Beachtrip]

I have two dc. Junior 7&9.

History:
I divorced their dad years ago, at the time there were restraining orders on him (this has since expired), we have a rigid court order, we do hand over in public etc.
things have settled somewhat in the last few years. (I still get bullshit texts and accusations but it appears calm enough in front of DC)

Question:
We have an allotment, and it's flourishing. It's our garden as we don't have one at home.

Ds would like to show it to his father. I've said no.
I don't want him there. It's my/our space. It's our lives that don't include him.
It's out of the way and not public.
If it were a garden there's no way I would let him in to see and I don't think DC would ask.
They can send him photos but I don't want to physically walk there with him and have him spend time there.

Aibu? Is this a me problem?
(I can become quite conflicted on things regarding their dad and massively over think)

No, that’s a sensible boundary.

I've no idea why it says junior before their ages... that's so bizarre!

Nope your being sensible

YANBU. Photos are a nice compromise.

You're absolutely right, that is your space, and you don't want him in it. I would feel the same.

No, bearing in mind the history you need to keep strong boundaries. Photos are appropriate.

Agree with PP-a very sensible and appropriate boundry. Stand your ground!

Thanks for reassurance.
I've tried explaining it as if it were our back garden then it wouldn't even be a consideration but DS is continuing to ask.

No, you wouldn’t want him in your garden, and the allotment is your garden like you said.
Stand firm.

How about telling him that you’ve said no, and that’s that. You don’t want to hear any more about it.

I have, and do frequently, say this, but I can also understand that he wants to share the things he does there with his dad.

His dad is a prick, and is a grade A twat towards our daughter but DS has a good relationship with him so far and wants to show his dad the things he planted and see the pond life etc. so I feel sad that I'm uncomfortable with it. Ds is 7 and can't quite get his head round why I don't want it.

The answer is no. This is our private space. Adults have boundaries the garden doesn’t just belong to you it’s mummy’s and mummy says no. You can take some things we grow or photos but no to anything else.

Maybe as a compromise of sorts you could buy a few seeds.and some small pots so he can grow stuff with his dad? Or make a little photo album up?

Although it will benefit your ex, it wouldn't be for him, it would be for your ds.

Tell him the site manager said no. Say it’s to do with too many people being on and now only those names or within the household are allowed on site due to incidents or something.

Id be more than willing to play nasty site manager.

but seriously a lot of alloments don’t like lots of people being brought into site anyway as other plot holders get worried about break ins and thefts and then ponder if it was that chap sally brought on that one time as it hasn’t happened for months till he came by.

I would double check that it is private land - our local allotments are council owned and people have the right to sit on the benches and walk down the paths.

I get what you are saying but would it hurt to mend bridges for the sake of your son? And yes my ex comes into my house, we exchange a dog rather than kids (kids are adults so sort their own arrangements out)

As it technically belongs to council & it isn’t your garden so not quite the same thing as allowing him onto your property your son could tell him where it is & he could go down without you & see it although he wouldn’t know which plot is yours unless he sees pics, what are you worried he’ll do? Vandalise it, turn up unannounced? Sounds like your son is proud of it & just wants to show it off. I would def agree with you if it was your personal private garden but I don’t see what harm it does to show him an allotment plot.

Our allotments are all fenced in and locked. Completely forgot about those that are just empty spaces. Hope yours is a fence one op.

No, it's sensible. Once he knows where it is he could turn up at any time, you don't want this because he's not part of your life.

Also DC is wanting to offer something they can't deliver: to show the ex your allotment. It's you who'd have to show the ex, so DC is offering up your time not just their own, asking you to spend time voluntarily with someone you had a restraining order for and who is still being abusive towards you (don't minimise those texts, the fact you're used to worse is irrelevant). If DC is old enough to understand, I'd be explaining to them why spending time with such a person is not an appropriate thing for you to do or for them to ask you to do. An early lesson in having good boundaries.

Absolutely this. Very clear, no negotiation.

If idiot ex knows exactly where it is, which plot etc. it's an unnecessary layer of worry for you that he'll sabotage it or something.

I would def agree with you if it was your personal private garden but I don’t see what harm it does to show him an allotment plot.

the ex isn't a nice person and is still being abusive to OP. At the very least I wouldn't trust him not to steal the harvest if he has access to the plot. It may belong to council but OP pays to rent the plot, once rented the plot isn't a public amenity for everyone to use, it's the plot holder's. It's OPs private space and she shouldn't feel she has to give access to someone she doesn't like and who is a threat to her wellbeing. It would cause her unnecessary stress and spoil her enjoyment of the place, even if he didn't do anything. Her DC being proud of it doesn't trump that. DC can talk about it and show pics, it's not depriving the DC to say no to ex visiting.

I think you tell DS age appropriate truth.

Dad was very unkind/hurt Mummy so now he isn't to be near our house and that includes the allotment because of what he did.

I’m not suggesting it’s a public amenity! Her son wants to show his Dad, doesn’t matter whether she doesn’t like him that’s irrelevant here and OP says any issues are in past & he is fine around the children so don’t see any issue.

Boundaries OP. Something is going wrong if you're having to repeatedly say you don't want to hear about it. Once should be enough. I know DC will push boundaries it's part of their learning but don't let this become something he wears you down about until you give in. It's a red flag your ex's dynamic with the DC. It's as harmful to grow up the arsehole-parent-pleasing golden child as it is to grow up the scapegoat. Both DC need to understand boundaries.

@gogohm restraining orders are granted for good reasons. How does she need to build bridges?!

Daddy behaved very badly when you were little, so he isn't allowed to come to our spaces anymore.