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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Regarding ex and allotment

37 replies

Beachtrip · 22/04/2022 15:11

I have two dc. Junior 7&9.

History:
I divorced their dad years ago, at the time there were restraining orders on him (this has since expired), we have a rigid court order, we do hand over in public etc.
things have settled somewhat in the last few years. (I still get bullshit texts and accusations but it appears calm enough in front of DC)

Question:
We have an allotment, and it's flourishing. It's our garden as we don't have one at home.

Ds would like to show it to his father. I've said no.
I don't want him there. It's my/our space. It's our lives that don't include him.
It's out of the way and not public.
If it were a garden there's no way I would let him in to see and I don't think DC would ask.
They can send him photos but I don't want to physically walk there with him and have him spend time there.

Aibu? Is this a me problem?
(I can become quite conflicted on things regarding their dad and massively over think)

OP posts:

billy1966 · 22/04/2022 19:01

Absolutely not.

Keep the space private and safe.

DisforDarkChocolate · 22/04/2022 19:05

I'd say no too, I'd also bet shoeing his Dad is something his Dad has put in his head.

Photos, ones that make the area hard to identify are an excellent compromise. It sounds like your son isn't aware of how difficult his father is and what this means, you may need to look at age appropriate ways to explain this too him soon.

SquishyGloopyBum · 22/04/2022 19:08

Is his dad pushing this for you think? Odd for a 7 year old to repeatedly ask.

You are right go say no. I'd say that visitors aren't allowed by the council, it's for the allotment users only.

spongedog · 22/04/2022 19:22

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 22/04/2022 17:41

Maybe as a compromise of sorts you could buy a few seeds.and some small pots so he can grow stuff with his dad? Or make a little photo album up?

Although it will benefit your ex, it wouldn't be for him, it would be for your ds.

This idea seems a good way to allow DS to share his love of the gardening and produce with his dad - at his dad's house. Perfect for a father's day present! (Enough time now for DS to be decorating pots etc) and everytime DS (I really mean ex but cant remember the silly symbols to get the strikethroughs!) asks about the allotment you can direct him back to his special project for Daddy.

HikingforScenery · 22/04/2022 19:24

Dont do it OP. Photos/videos with no identifying signs should be enough for now.

bcc89 · 23/04/2022 08:25

Ignore the posters saying to tell your son that "daddy was bad" so he isn't allowed. What the hell?

Just tell your son that it's your garden and you've said no, but you could take some pictures together and if he asks again, repeat that you've said no. Don't blame the council, don't make up an excuse. No means no. You're the parent. If he was asking to show his dad his bedroom, you wouldn't even be questioning this. Your property (whether borrowed from the council or not!), your say.

Lindy2 · 23/04/2022 08:31

It's your allotment not your ex's. He therefore has no need to see it.

It's your private space so tell your son that he can take some photos to show his dad but he can't visit it, the same way as he can't come into the house.

BenCooperisaGod · 23/04/2022 08:40

Nooooooo. I have an allotment, and it is my safe happy space. Since the pandemic, it has taken on additional meaning to me and the family. I totally understand why you would be territorial about it.

Also it can be an isolated lonely place, where i am often on my own, so for personal safety alone it be be a hard no.

sirensscreech · 23/04/2022 08:44

Daddy doesn't come into our house and he's not coming into our allotment. Repeat as necessary.

Make it a statement not a discussion

Soultrader · 23/04/2022 08:53

How does your dd feel about it? If her dad is a twat to her and the allotment is a safe space for her then she may not want him there.

Franklyfrost · 23/04/2022 09:23

Your son will benefit more from having a safe space and activity and from having a mother who also has that safe space and activity than he will from showing his dad that space for 20 min. Just because things have settled down with the ex that doesn’t mean you invite him back into your private lives to start again.

YouHaveYourFathersBreasts · 23/04/2022 09:36

Completely reasonable and fair. I have/had similar arrangements with my ex. He’s never known any of our addresses, the children know to never ever tell him or his family them. He’s tried to get it out of them and me. Don’t know if he’d do anything about it, I think it’s a control thing. Our home is our safe space anyway. I would say your allotment is an extension of your home. It’s sad for your child in the sense that the allotment makes them happy and they want to share that with their dad. But he doesn’t deserve a part in that due to his behaviour.

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