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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's perfectly reasonable to not want to do big days out without DP

52 replies

Popeee17 · 22/04/2022 15:11

I have two dc, both on the spectrum, although one is officially diagnosed at present. Amongst other things. Both totally different and hard work for different reasons.

Dp works full time, I'm a sahp.

When Dp is working I'll take them to the park, or places locally. I don't like to go too far or anywhere too busy with them alone. They are nightmares for fighting in the car, it's distracting so I tend to stay in walking distance or short drives.

dm always suggests doing this and that in the holidays (she has two secondary school age kids much younger than me but old enough to entertain themselves). she means like big theme parks, beach etc but I always say I don't want to without Dp.

she then shames me saying that I should be able to do things without Dp in the holidays and I'm not being fair as my kids miss out (they really don't, we do a lot just asd friendly things and dp gets weekends off so we get out and about as a family.

she says she'll help me with them but she won't. I don't expect her as they are not her kids but she's always hours late keeping us waiting which causes dc stress. Then she'll just sit around drinking coffee all day and eating. She has no duty to help with my kids. Days out are much more relaxing for her now she has teens and no sen. She doesn't get his exhausting if is. She says things well we'll just sit down whilst they play.

I have done days out with her and it's awful so I avoid it. One time I was doing it all alone and didn't even have chance for a wee break or a drink! My kids are full on. I was beyond exhausted. They don't sit down for 2 minutes.

When we go out as a family, me, Dp and the kids me and dp do it all between us. It's much easier. plus we tend to just go out for short bursts whereas dm likes to go out all bloody day and I don't want to.

shes suggested going to a big theme park Sunday, usually Dp has weekends off but has to cover someone on Sunday. I don't want to go. The Easter holidays have done me I'm so ready for Monday when they go back to school!

aibu? Having Dp around on a day out really makes things easier. Sometimes we have a child each and go separate ways as my two are so different and not into the same things at all! I can't split myself into 2!

  • [Message from MNHQ: please note, we've edited the title at the OP's request- it originally said 'to not want to do big days out with DP'
OP posts:
OctopusSay · 22/04/2022 15:14

I didn't have any of your issues, but still saved big days out for when DH was around, simply because they're something special and both he and I wanted him to be involved.

TBH big days out are over rated anyway and simple pleasures much more important anyway IMO.

Original poster
Popeee17 · 22/04/2022 15:16

OctopusSay · 22/04/2022 15:14

I didn't have any of your issues, but still saved big days out for when DH was around, simply because they're something special and both he and I wanted him to be involved.

TBH big days out are over rated anyway and simple pleasures much more important anyway IMO.

Absolutely. I enjoy the more chilled days more than any big days out! My mum has always been big on big days out (we can't afford many big days out at the minute anyway so on that alone too!) but me not so much, I liked chilled. My kids are just as happy to go to the park or for a walk!

OP posts:
Original poster
Popeee17 · 22/04/2022 15:17

She thinks I'm mad not taking to the beach on my own. We live very close to the beach (like 3 miles) but I would need eyes in the back of my head and an extra pair of hands on a packed beach!

OP posts:
Blinkingheckythump · 22/04/2022 15:18

OctopusSay · 22/04/2022 15:14

I didn't have any of your issues, but still saved big days out for when DH was around, simply because they're something special and both he and I wanted him to be involved.

TBH big days out are over rated anyway and simple pleasures much more important anyway IMO.

Completely agree

Blinkingheckythump · 22/04/2022 15:19

Plus it's better to have two pairs of hands

LittleMissUnreasonable · 22/04/2022 15:22

I didn't have any of your issues, but still saved big days out for when DH was around, simply because they're something special and both he and I wanted him to be involved.

@OctopusSay So your kids missed out on doing days out because you're too codependent to do things without your DP ... Way to let your kids know how low down on the pecking order they are. It's a day out for them, not for your DP 🙄

OP, that's understandable but isn't there anyone else who could go with you? An in law, friend, other family member?

grapewines · 22/04/2022 15:26

You're not unreasonable to want him there, but your thread title is the opposite question. Or I have covid brainfog.

OctopusSay · 22/04/2022 15:33

LittleMissUnreasonable · 22/04/2022 15:22

I didn't have any of your issues, but still saved big days out for when DH was around, simply because they're something special and both he and I wanted him to be involved.

@OctopusSay So your kids missed out on doing days out because you're too codependent to do things without your DP ... Way to let your kids know how low down on the pecking order they are. It's a day out for them, not for your DP 🙄

OP, that's understandable but isn't there anyone else who could go with you? An in law, friend, other family member?

What nonsense. They still had good days, but the big stuff was done as a family, in exactly the same way that family holidays and birthday parties are family occasions.

And if it said anything about "pecking order" it was that their Dad wanted to spend his leave doing fun things with them.

Original poster
Popeee17 · 22/04/2022 15:36

grapewines · 22/04/2022 15:26

You're not unreasonable to want him there, but your thread title is the opposite question. Or I have covid brainfog.

I didn't even check the title 🤦‍♀️ Oops!

OP posts:
DysmalRadius · 22/04/2022 15:41

It sounds like a good excuse to avoid days out with your mum!! The issues you have on days out with her are reason enough not to want to go, and if your kids' needs mean that you all have an easier and more enjoyable day with your partner there, then it makes sense to stick with that, at least for now.

RewildingAmbridge · 22/04/2022 15:44

I have a day off in the week with DS and so does DH we do days out on those days, farm parks, beach (a mile away) etc but the big days theme parks the Safari park, Legoland etc we do when we're both off, it's more fun with another adult and neither of us want to miss out.

PolitePlantPot · 22/04/2022 15:53

LittleMissUnreasonable · 22/04/2022 15:22

I didn't have any of your issues, but still saved big days out for when DH was around, simply because they're something special and both he and I wanted him to be involved.

@OctopusSay So your kids missed out on doing days out because you're too codependent to do things without your DP ... Way to let your kids know how low down on the pecking order they are. It's a day out for them, not for your DP 🙄

OP, that's understandable but isn't there anyone else who could go with you? An in law, friend, other family member?

@LittleMissUnreasonable that's a bizarre take on things. Isn't it normal for families to save the big days out until the whole family can enjoy them? That's how it works round here, when my husband is off with the kids he does stuff locally and when I'm off with the kids I do the same. If we're doing a big day out we do it as a family. Anyway, OP, we've had a pretty quiet Easter, doing lots of free stuff and local (cheap or free) events and walks. The kids have both said how much they've loved these holidays. Made me realise that they really need time to relax and decompress and the big days out can be exhausting and overwhelming for primary aged kids who are already knackered from the school term. My oldest possibly has ASD and he in particular loves quiet chilled out days.

PolitePlantPot · 22/04/2022 15:54

Sorry! Not @LittleMissUnreasonable I meant @OctopusSay . Knew I shouldn't attempt fancy things like tagging!

OctopusSay · 22/04/2022 15:56

PolitePlantPot · 22/04/2022 15:54

Sorry! Not @LittleMissUnreasonable I meant @OctopusSay . Knew I shouldn't attempt fancy things like tagging!

I think you got it right first time 😀

TheYearOfSmallThings · 22/04/2022 15:56

she says she'll help me with them but she won't. I don't expect her as they are not her kids but she's always hours late keeping us waiting which causes dc stress. Then she'll just sit around drinking coffee all day and eating.

She sounds rubbish - I wouldn't be making plans with her in any circumstances. Be firm and say "No, it wouldn't be any fun for us. You go ahead without us."

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 22/04/2022 15:57

Do what suits you and your family. As long as your children are loved and well cared for that's what matters. It's not like your saying you stay at home with them and never take them anywhere. It sounds like you're doing your best and your children are happy so please don't let anyone else dictate how you should parent or spend your time.

Babyboomtastic · 22/04/2022 16:01

Long drives and big days out, sure save for family trips,but I do personally think its a bit odd not to go the beach if it's that close. Its not really a big day out, but more a local alternative to the park.

ThinWomansBrain · 22/04/2022 16:06

with their diagnosis and needs, do the DC actually enjoy theme parks - wouldn't it be sensory overload?

VariationsonaTheme · 22/04/2022 16:11

Yanbu if it won’t be enjoyable and will just be hard work, but you are a little bit unreasonable if it’s things you and the kids would enjoy.

If we stayed at home until DH was ready to go somewhere we wouldn’t ever go anywhere. We have far more free time than him and although mine are older teens now, we’ve enjoyed lots of places just the three of us without DH.

doadeer · 22/04/2022 16:12

My son is autistic and I've always done big days out with him by myself but I couldn't do two of him as he needs attention constsntly, can't let him out of eye sight.

Where do your kids actually enjoy going though? My son would probably hate a theme park!

KangarooKenny · 22/04/2022 16:15

I didn’t do long drives and big days out without my DH. I stuck to walks to the park/library, and trips to town/shopping when on my own.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 22/04/2022 16:24

If you need two competent pairs of hands to keep your DC safe, then no, YANBU. Safety comes first.

(We do lots of stuff without DH, mostly visiting my parents in London, so maximise family time when he has time off He does stuff with them without me as well. But anything we both want to do we do together. Its what works for us.)

10HailMarys · 22/04/2022 16:31

LittleMissUnreasonable · 22/04/2022 15:22

I didn't have any of your issues, but still saved big days out for when DH was around, simply because they're something special and both he and I wanted him to be involved.

@OctopusSay So your kids missed out on doing days out because you're too codependent to do things without your DP ... Way to let your kids know how low down on the pecking order they are. It's a day out for them, not for your DP 🙄

OP, that's understandable but isn't there anyone else who could go with you? An in law, friend, other family member?

What a bizarre thing to say, @LittleMissUnreasonable. Codependent? Pecking order? What on earth are you on about?

The kids weren't missing out on anything. They get a family day out with both parents. Just because they didn't do massive days out while their dad was at work, that doesn't mean they didn't do massive days at all. They just did them on the days when both parents were available. Not quite sure why you have a problem with the concept of a family day out; it's not exactly unusual. Doing stuff as a family is kind of the point of having a family?

OP, your position is totally understandable - YANBU at all! It makes much more sense in your situation to do the 'big' days out with your DP so you can manage both your kids more easily. It's really not up to your mum to say what you should and shouldn't do with your kids anyway.

springtimeishereagain · 22/04/2022 16:34

Yes, yanbu at all! Your mum sounds selfish and inconsiderate.

Shinyandnew1 · 22/04/2022 16:35

I’d stop taking quite so much notice about what your mum thinks, wants and says. She can take her kids to a theme park if she wants-you don’t have to go!

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