To think it's perfectly reasonable to not want to do big days out without DP

[Popeee17]

I have two dc, both on the spectrum, although one is officially diagnosed at present. Amongst other things. Both totally different and hard work for different reasons.

Dp works full time, I'm a sahp.

When Dp is working I'll take them to the park, or places locally. I don't like to go too far or anywhere too busy with them alone. They are nightmares for fighting in the car, it's distracting so I tend to stay in walking distance or short drives.

dm always suggests doing this and that in the holidays (she has two secondary school age kids much younger than me but old enough to entertain themselves). she means like big theme parks, beach etc but I always say I don't want to without Dp.

she then shames me saying that I should be able to do things without Dp in the holidays and I'm not being fair as my kids miss out (they really don't, we do a lot just asd friendly things and dp gets weekends off so we get out and about as a family.

she says she'll help me with them but she won't. I don't expect her as they are not her kids but she's always hours late keeping us waiting which causes dc stress. Then she'll just sit around drinking coffee all day and eating. She has no duty to help with my kids. Days out are much more relaxing for her now she has teens and no sen. She doesn't get his exhausting if is. She says things well we'll just sit down whilst they play.

I have done days out with her and it's awful so I avoid it. One time I was doing it all alone and didn't even have chance for a wee break or a drink! My kids are full on. I was beyond exhausted. They don't sit down for 2 minutes.

When we go out as a family, me, Dp and the kids me and dp do it all between us. It's much easier. plus we tend to just go out for short bursts whereas dm likes to go out all bloody day and I don't want to.

shes suggested going to a big theme park Sunday, usually Dp has weekends off but has to cover someone on Sunday. I don't want to go. The Easter holidays have done me I'm so ready for Monday when they go back to school!

aibu? Having Dp around on a day out really makes things easier. Sometimes we have a child each and go separate ways as my two are so different and not into the same things at all! I can't split myself into 2!

• [Message from MNHQ: please note, we've edited the title at the OP's request- it originally said 'to not want to do big days out with DP'

I have a child with autism and I completely get you.

I do wonder if this is actually part of a bigger issue about your Mum not actually understanding autism / appreciating how difficult life can be with children with disabilities?

baseline is that the reason doesn't matter, your family your kids your choice.

Yanbu
I am a single parent to two teens now bu5 when they were young, it was always a nightmare. Fighting crying the forceful boundary pushing from my eldest, the younger one getting so upset so easily.

Nightmare.

YANBU

I have 2 autistic children and I also avoid big days out with them on my own. Particularly ones that involve a big drive at either end.

They are so different and have conflicting needs, so it can be difficult for one adult to keep them happy. It would be massively stressful for me to deal with them both on my own for an entire day.

We do go quite a bit, just not on my own with them! I have one water baby and one who's not so keen 😅

Absolutely. She's always for the attitude 'it'll be alright' 'just let them get on with it'. I don't think she realises how exhausting it is 24/7. She has no idea how I feel on edge 24/7 thinking what next. I literally cannot relax when I take mine out!

OP, I wouldn't judge. You've more on your plate than your average parent, and know what your limitations are. It's not for anyone else to tell you if you're right or wrong.

I have 2 ds - 1 with asd and 1 who is nt and there is no way on God's green earth would I take them to a theme park without dh! We both do days out with the 2 of them on our own and it's exhausting.

Yanbu Op

Thanks all. It is just the guilt tripping and making me feel bad like I cannot manage them! Buy it would be me running round after than all day, which I don't mind but it's tiring when one wants to do one thing and the other something else. My mum had a lot of help when both her older children and now younger children (teens) were little. My grandparents ran around after us and as did my stepdad. She just used to sit and do nothing. It's not like that for me when I go out! I'm here there and everywhere. My youngest has a mild physical disability too and she can't get on and off anything herself so I'm constantly lifting her on and off things if she struggles!

today, we went to the park first thing and went into town for an ice cream and they had some pocket money from a relative so looked in a couple shops. Was a good day without having to do anything major! ☺️

I'm completely with you on this. I have 3 children (7 and under) the eldest has ASD & ADHD, i really struggle to take them out on my own even to the local park because he frequently disappears. I wouldn't entertain 'big' days out without dh with us. Even then it's not enjoyable for me being constantly on edge and i find that many people don't understand.

How does she know what you are doing? She sounds overinvolved in your life. I'd speak to her less and keep answers vague and tell her that you are capable of organising your own days and suggest she just plans her own days as you aren't telling her what to do.

'co-dependent' FFS

Do you mean 'in a family and like to spend time together'?

We also do big days out when we can all do it... because it is more fun for us all. We happen to enjoy each others' company.

Honestly, being a regular family is now psychoanalysed.

And OP - YANBU. Your family - so you know best. No point someone here saying take them to the beach, you know whether that will result in happiness or stress.

Your DM is being an unsupportive PITA and you just need to stick to your guns.

Honestly I'd be tempted to say "actually I'm under the weather, but they are free for you to take them. I'll pay for everyone's tickets"

See how she manages on her own!

Are you okay? God forbid, imagine having a family and wanting to do family days out! The audacity.

If your Mum and/or the teens could be relied upon to understand and help then no issue.

However, with the behaviour you describe it could actually be dangerous to bring the kids to a theme park without DH. If they are anything like my DS they will be prone to wander, unpredictable and totally excitable and hyper all day. How are you supposed to take care of DC1 if DC2 has a meltdown??

No, you’re making the right decision and are not being unreasonable. Your kids can get the big days out when their Dad is around to help.

The bug days like theme parks I get saving them for the whole family but I did take mine out alone, no dm either, one is autistic one adhd - I wasn't going to let it being difficult stop them from having normal experiences

She is over bearing but she keeps saying she wants to go out somewhere on Sunday, Dp normally has sundays off but not this weekend. I don't fancy it regardless 😪

I just fo my own thing usually. I think she struggles with the fact I like to do my own thing. Her and my grandma did everything together and still do it my grandma can manage it, but I like to do my own thing most of the time. We don't have the same relationship my mum snd grandma do as we are like chalk and cheese!

It depends on what you mean by ‘big day out’? There’s a lot of ground between a walk to the park and a theme park. Where do you go and how often? And with anyone but your Mum? How about to friends house/ soft play, local farm or zoo/ cafe etc?

I take mine out alone to things locally. We do a lot and have gone out most days in the holidays! I just don't want to do long trips or days out alone with them. They are nightmares in the car to start with. It's dangerous and distracting at times.

they have plenty of 'normal' experiences.

we have annual passes to our local fun park. We go at least once a month (the 4 of us!)

YANBU

Our oldest 7 is autistic and not fully verbal and the youngest 4 is NT, very verbal and full of energy and both have darted off in different directions with DH having to go after them just going in and out of the house. Luckily, one of them usually listens ( the oldest) when told to stop so you can go get the other one, but it’s still panic-inducing since there are people who like to speed through residential areas and we’re near the main road. 7 yo also knows how to unlock and take the chain off the door 😭so on constant alert listening out to it.

Our oldest also gets distressed if he is dressed and we don’t leave the house immediately. Your dm showing up late the first few times would have ended trips with me.

Before the oldest entered school, I took both boys on the trains and buses to outings in London and Oxford monthly but they were in a double pram so were much easier to control and they love traveling on them so were usually distracted just looking out the window. Saying that, the oldest struggles with noise and refused to wear ear defenders (only just started wearing headphones this year) so outings could only be in specific places and during quiet times except for parks or places with large green areas were usually fine.

We have taken the boys to Legoland (first and only time so far to a theme park) but it was because DH was offered cheap tickets for after hours due to being a part of some club so we went knowing it would be much quieter than normal and parked near the entrance jic, both boys had a blast.

The only way I take them out alone is with the double pram or just take one. Nothing else.

You are doing amazing, OP. Don’t let your dm tell you different. Some people just don’t get what it’s like to have a child with a disability and the extra concerns and planning that comes with it. Be easy on yourself. 🙂

We have annual passes to a local fun park wr go to regularly. It's 5 Minutes away. Only small but has a few rides and outdoor things as well as animals.

Im talking about theme parks with rides etc. Can't manage it on my own.

there isn't much around here but I take them out locally to me.

it usually is just me, Dp and the kids. I spend very little time with dm, she's hard work (another story!).

most of my friends are like me and do their own things with their spouses and kids.

also have mil locally, I would never say this to my mum but I would much rather go out with mil than my own mum (I know I can't tell anyone that 😅)! She is ten times easier to deal with than my mum!

@phoenixrosehere thank you, it's not easy is it. We live somewhere where has very little in the terms of public transport so it's drive or walk and that's it. My eldest has no sense of danger, bolts off and my youngest is 7 and can't run! It's hard work!

I just don't think she understands now tiring it is. Shes always telling me to 'relax' but it's not that easy!

Plus her time keeping is shocking which triggers the kids if we are waiting around, it winds me up too 🤦‍♀️

Your DM sounds like a pain. People who tell you to relax when you have a lot on are toxic.