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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for examples of boundaries you set with your MIL

54 replies

Olinguita · 22/04/2022 14:29

Just that, really!

OP posts:
Moomeh · 22/04/2022 14:37

I love my MIL but we went through a rough patch after dd was born. One boundary I set that I found helpful was no more three way group chat (me, dh, mil). She kept messaging there and dh cba to reply straightaway and so I had to reply to be polite, even though I was annoyed with her about things she'd done/said about dd. It was weird because fil wasn't on it, my mum wasn't on it, it was just me, dh, mil. Even stuff like "how are you both, how's your weekend, when can i next come visit" would always be on that 3-way chat. So I said to dh, all correspondence from now on must be through you, on a 1-1 chat. Similarly my mum and I have a 1-1 chat and she "books" all visits through me.

It helped a lot and mil's attitude changed in general, she slipped out less snide comments about my parenting when we next met...I think she just needed that reset/reminder, I'm not her daughter!

We get on pretty well now on the whole.

Moomeh · 22/04/2022 14:38

Ps I should say in fairness my mil is very nice on the whole and much lovelier than the average mil! But still good to have boundaries!

theremustonlybeone · 22/04/2022 14:39

TBH the main boundary that requires setting first is that your OH is in agreement and sets the boundary too and it isnt left you. As you will just be seen as a 'problem'.. If he/she doesnt have your back your off to a non starter.

girlpancake · 22/04/2022 14:43

My in laws looked after the kids one day a week and I was definite about healthy food and limited TV. It's one thing to treat them when they only see them in the school holidays, but a different thing when it's bad habits every week. They were fine with it.

Pegasussnail · 22/04/2022 14:43

Mine was to stop the phonecalls (anxiety related) had dh come home from work safely. Considering he was in his mid 40s a careful driver and quiet roads. I couldn't pander to it. So dh rang her and nicely asked her not to ring me that he would ring on his way home from work each day (he does this by 6pm)

What annoyed me was the 'how are you? ' when you know what's coming next .. I'm terribly worried about Dh. I'm the one working and homeschooling and doing my own thing. Yet dh is the one who is pandered to like a prince.

Moomeh · 22/04/2022 14:56

Pegasussnail · 22/04/2022 14:43

Mine was to stop the phonecalls (anxiety related) had dh come home from work safely. Considering he was in his mid 40s a careful driver and quiet roads. I couldn't pander to it. So dh rang her and nicely asked her not to ring me that he would ring on his way home from work each day (he does this by 6pm)

What annoyed me was the 'how are you? ' when you know what's coming next .. I'm terribly worried about Dh. I'm the one working and homeschooling and doing my own thing. Yet dh is the one who is pandered to like a prince.

Wow she rang you and not him? That's so unreasonable of her!

skilpadde · 22/04/2022 15:00

Arriving for a visit to stay (for 1-2 nights) without any notice had to get nipped in the bud. As did the subsequent attempts, with pre-arranged visits, to bring extra guests without notice.

Early on, DH tried to avoid dealing with it by claiming it was no big deal, but he was encouraged to grow a backbone and impose some boundaries.

Katesboy8 · 22/04/2022 15:02

Pegasussnail · 22/04/2022 14:43

Mine was to stop the phonecalls (anxiety related) had dh come home from work safely. Considering he was in his mid 40s a careful driver and quiet roads. I couldn't pander to it. So dh rang her and nicely asked her not to ring me that he would ring on his way home from work each day (he does this by 6pm)

What annoyed me was the 'how are you? ' when you know what's coming next .. I'm terribly worried about Dh. I'm the one working and homeschooling and doing my own thing. Yet dh is the one who is pandered to like a prince.

Oh dear lord this is absurd!

She needs to get some counselling not to always assume the worst when it comes to driving etc! I used to suffer myself and had to get help. I wouldn't put that worry on someone else though!

WhaaaaaaaaaaaatTF · 22/04/2022 15:04

Pegasussnail · 22/04/2022 14:43

Mine was to stop the phonecalls (anxiety related) had dh come home from work safely. Considering he was in his mid 40s a careful driver and quiet roads. I couldn't pander to it. So dh rang her and nicely asked her not to ring me that he would ring on his way home from work each day (he does this by 6pm)

What annoyed me was the 'how are you? ' when you know what's coming next .. I'm terribly worried about Dh. I'm the one working and homeschooling and doing my own thing. Yet dh is the one who is pandered to like a prince.

Checking a 40-year old has got home safe everyday? That's cracked! And so is him calling her every day from the car . . . . same thing in reverse.

Pegasussnail · 22/04/2022 15:09

God I feel better now. I had terrible pangs of guilt about it. Was I being uncaring towards her. All her children ring every single day. Sometimes a couple of times per day. She's elderly now but it's always been like this. Dh is very caring so I think it's important he calls.
But it was silly her ringing me. A bit of attention really. She's does a lot of things like that. But I feel like a cow. I can't pander to it.

gwanwyn · 22/04/2022 15:17

Not to tell the DC complete opposite thing to what DH or I just said or pre-planned with them - though I think the DC learnt that one way before IL.

Not to play silly buggers with phones - 30+ calls in 20 minutes when we asked to finish meal we just sat down to- she got DH on the phone and he was bloody angry - call did not go well to point it's never been done since.

One more with DH - check with me first before arranging visits - and TBF IL have been good last few years about not pushing when we're in a busy period.

Traumdeuter · 22/04/2022 15:20

the boundary I needed to set was that I am not her daughter. She has three sons who are all perfectly capable of chatting to her on the phone / visiting / going for lunch / doing birthday cards. I like her and will happily visit/chat/lunch on occasion, but I also have my family of origin to manage and I refuse to do all the emotional labour.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 22/04/2022 16:04

@Traumdeuter How exactly did you set that boundary?
if it’s expected then it’s hard to do it without potentially a fallout?

Thisismynamenow · 22/04/2022 16:18

Traumdeuter · 22/04/2022 15:20

the boundary I needed to set was that I am not her daughter. She has three sons who are all perfectly capable of chatting to her on the phone / visiting / going for lunch / doing birthday cards. I like her and will happily visit/chat/lunch on occasion, but I also have my family of origin to manage and I refuse to do all the emotional labour.

This is exactly why I was disappointed when I was told my pregnancy was with a boy. You're dammed If you're too nice and dammed if your too distant! The DIL/MIL dynamic is a terrifying thought when you only have boys but always wanted a daughter!

sjxoxo · 22/04/2022 16:23

I’ve never managed it tbh and It’s a struggle every time she comes. She’s friendly but has no self awareness and is interfering with my baby… grates on me but I don’t want to fall out with her! X

satelliteheart · 22/04/2022 16:31

I'm really lucky in that my mil is genuinely lovely and we get on very well and she makes a conscious effort not to interfere in our lives or parenting beyond the occasional pass-agg comment about me not making the children clear their plates at mealtimes

The one boundary I had to set was when I came home from hospital after ds1 was born, had spent 50 hours in labour followed by emergency c section and a large amount of blood loss so was in a bad way. In her attempt to be helpful she took a load of our washing to her house to do and brought back. This included all my blood stained underwear from hospital and made me SO uncomfortable. Dh had a quiet word that we'd prefer to do our own laundry but if she wanted to help we'd welcome some meals dropped off or the dishwashing emptying/hoover running round

LikeABreathRipplingBy · 22/04/2022 16:35

That they needed to knock, not just walk in the house.
That they couldn't use money to control what we did - e.g. offer to give us £x if we went to visit a specific relative for our holiday, or £x towards wooden floors (carpet not allowed).
That because they were DH's parents, they did not outrank us when it came to decisions about our DC.
That I was not DH's secretary.
In hindsight, I wish I had stood up to them much earlier. We'd probably have got on better in the longer term if I had.

Fandangofran · 22/04/2022 16:37

@Thisismynamenow its not a forgone conclusion. Not all DIL want to keep their MIL at arms length.

I never thought I needed to set any boundaries with mine in the same way that I never needed to set boundaries with my own mum - it sounds like anticipating problems before they start. I would simply deal with issues as and when they arose.

Thankfully my MIL is a perfectly normal reasonable human being. She's respectful of the way we want to do things and doesn't think her son is some kind of christ reborn who can do no wrong - in fact she often shakes her head at his silliness and tells him how lucky he is to have married a sensible woman 😂
That means we are quite happy in her company so she does benefit in the long run.

I think I must be in the minority though as it seems MIL and DIL often have some in built desire to be as awkward as possible.

Whooshaagh · 22/04/2022 17:03

Dd's mil is younger than me and always struck me as a sensible woman.
I was a bit surprised yesterday when dd told me that her mil suggested that dd express milk so that mil can look after the baby on her own.
Needless to say dd will be setting that boundary and not leaving her tiny newborn with mil.
Being the kind person I am I suggested to dd that if she feels comfortable perhaps she could allow her dh and mil to walk the baby out for an hour after a feed as a compromise.

TrippinEdBalls · 22/04/2022 17:11

I find the whole way this is phrased a bit odd. I don't have any specific boundaries for my MIL. She's a person in my life and just like every other person in my life if she was doing something that upset me I'd work out whether and how to address that. Much like for most other people in my life it doesn't come up much. Starting with the premise that everyone must have particular boundaries for their MIL seems to assume that it'll be a hostile relationship and seems to almost be going looking for trouble.

Abra1d1 · 22/04/2022 17:14

TrippinEdBalls · 22/04/2022 17:11

I find the whole way this is phrased a bit odd. I don't have any specific boundaries for my MIL. She's a person in my life and just like every other person in my life if she was doing something that upset me I'd work out whether and how to address that. Much like for most other people in my life it doesn't come up much. Starting with the premise that everyone must have particular boundaries for their MIL seems to assume that it'll be a hostile relationship and seems to almost be going looking for trouble.

Exactly. I didn’t go into the relationship expecting problems. There were some things we didn’t agree on but we seemed able to overlook them.

Inklingpot · 22/04/2022 17:20

That she cannot just drop in unannounced. She lives fairly close and expected that she could just turn up for a cup of tea whenever the mood took her. There was one occasion when I didn’t let her in and the shit hit the fan. She never did it again though.

I also had to put my foot down over her coming on holiday with us. She made a few noises to DH about how lovely it would be if we all went on holiday together, offering to pay as an incentive. That got nipped right in the bud.

Thisismynamenow · 22/04/2022 17:25

Fandangofran · 22/04/2022 16:37

@Thisismynamenow its not a forgone conclusion. Not all DIL want to keep their MIL at arms length.

I never thought I needed to set any boundaries with mine in the same way that I never needed to set boundaries with my own mum - it sounds like anticipating problems before they start. I would simply deal with issues as and when they arose.

Thankfully my MIL is a perfectly normal reasonable human being. She's respectful of the way we want to do things and doesn't think her son is some kind of christ reborn who can do no wrong - in fact she often shakes her head at his silliness and tells him how lucky he is to have married a sensible woman 😂
That means we are quite happy in her company so she does benefit in the long run.

I think I must be in the minority though as it seems MIL and DIL often have some in built desire to be as awkward as possible.

@fandango I think you're completely right! It depends on the people and their relationships I guess.
My MIL is hard work but means well, DH is an only child so I try to spend time with her 1 on 1 occasionally so she has the experience spending time with a 'daughter' despite me not really enjoying it. I've also tried incredibly hard to be even between her and my mom in terms of the baby coming.
I'm thankful that I don't have to worry about possibly becoming being a MIL for at least 20-25 years 😂

Original poster
Olinguita · 22/04/2022 17:27

Like the vast majority of DILs (I assume) I went into the relationship with an open mind, not anticipating problems. Sadly I have been unpleasantly surprised and would now like to (respectfully) draw some lines in the sand in order to restore peace of mind for me, and harmony for the wider family.

OP posts:
EL8888 · 22/04/2022 17:34

@TrippinEdBalls you’re lucky then! My current MIL is reasonable, non-interfering, has her own life etc. So boundaries haven’t had to be enforced as yet

1st MIL was very different, she was a total nightmare and tried to be very controlling. Boundaries had to be laid down or she ran wild, causing stress and trouble. I could give 100’s of examples e.g. telling me l had to convert religions when we got engaged (l didn’t), informing us she was coming to stay for 3 weeks straight after we got back from honeymoon (she didn’t), trying to tell me l couldn’t be a nurse as if it was low class (l am experienced and well qualified nurse) etc