Page 2 | To ask for examples of boundaries you set with your MIL

EL8888 · 22/04/2022 17:41

I can imagine my mum needs managing but my brothers girlfriend. She is usually reluctant to consider other people’s viewpoints, hates compromise and can be rather demanding. She does have a tendency to treat my brother like her little Prince 🙄. I have had decades of experience and put her back in her box when she tries to takeover wedding plans, tells me l shouldn’t have children etc

Classicblunder · 22/04/2022 17:41

I was going to say nothing but actually she did early on drop hints about presents for Christmas and birthdays that she would like, under the impression that I would be choosing them. I never explicitly said this but left it entirely to DH and she has stopped now. I think the thing I found most offensive about that was that she didn't get me anything for Christmas/birthdays!

Inklingpot · 22/04/2022 19:03

@Thisismynamenow My DH is also an only child and MIL is on her own (by choice, it should be pointed out). She’s very clingy of him and to a certain extent I sympathise, but she’s quite an overbearing, difficult personality and will happily roll right over anyone who doesn’t stand up to her so I had to put boundaries fairly early.

MrsSpooner · 22/04/2022 19:06

Not just to drop in.

Although she has still be known to text / phone and say I’m outside your house can I pop in !!

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 22/04/2022 19:12

I asked my MIL to call and arrange any visits when it's convenient for all of us, this is something my own family do too. It wasn't well received at first but things are fine now and we get along ok, although we don't see eachother that much as we both have busy lives. I don't think i was being unreasonable and would respect someone asking the same of me, i would never drop in on anyone without checking it was ok first. I personally find it a bit rude but i also realise some people are the type to pop in as that's how their family was growing up so they've known no different.

BobHadBitchTits · 22/04/2022 19:17

A friend of my MiL was in hospital. I've never met her. Obviously it was sad she was in hospital but I do not know this woman.

My MiL rang me daily with updates. After two days I handed my phone to my husband to answer.

The next time she was in hospital we received no updates.

doggiescats · 22/04/2022 19:21

Fandangofran · 22/04/2022 16:37

@Thisismynamenow its not a forgone conclusion. Not all DIL want to keep their MIL at arms length.

I never thought I needed to set any boundaries with mine in the same way that I never needed to set boundaries with my own mum - it sounds like anticipating problems before they start. I would simply deal with issues as and when they arose.

Thankfully my MIL is a perfectly normal reasonable human being. She's respectful of the way we want to do things and doesn't think her son is some kind of christ reborn who can do no wrong - in fact she often shakes her head at his silliness and tells him how lucky he is to have married a sensible woman 😂
That means we are quite happy in her company so she does benefit in the long run.

I think I must be in the minority though as it seems MIL and DIL often have some in built desire to be as awkward as possible.

I agree with every word. My MIL was very unassuming but lovely. My Mum always got on with my husband. I do think that these MIL threads are too dramatic and people looking for problems!! Horses for courses…but think that people are almost looking for conflict TBH 😳

Mamabananananana · 22/04/2022 19:23

Dont ring or knock on my door loudly , pls ring my ( silent) phone first!
also naps are when i say they are, not when convenient
Although my MIL is an angel and we are very lucky. You just need to gently remind any wayward family members that YOURE the parent.

poor you @EL8888 nightmare!

spongbob · 22/04/2022 19:30

This is exactly why I was disappointed when I was told my pregnancy was with a boy. You're dammed If you're too nice and dammed if your too distant! The DIL/MIL dynamic is a terrifying thought when you only have boys but always wanted a daughter!

I felt this, both as a dil and mother to a son. I think just be open and warm, but gauge they're reaction. If dil isn't suggesting days out/visits in return, back off a bit (same as with a friend). Just be there, but don't impose. It is tricky, though.

But I'm a long way off being a mil! Exactly why I was secretly hoping for another dd

Olsi109 · 22/04/2022 19:42

skilpadde · 22/04/2022 15:00

Arriving for a visit to stay (for 1-2 nights) without any notice had to get nipped in the bud. As did the subsequent attempts, with pre-arranged visits, to bring extra guests without notice.

Early on, DH tried to avoid dealing with it by claiming it was no big deal, but he was encouraged to grow a backbone and impose some boundaries.

Wth? Who would even do that? So rude

Olsi109 · 22/04/2022 19:52

Not to publicly slag me off on social media and put horrible photos of plastic surgery gone wrong saying it looks like me just because I've had my lips filled a little. Needless to say I have no boundaries now as I have nothing to do with her - only real boundary is regarding kids and not to slag me off in front of them which they have previously done 🤣

rosewater20 · 22/04/2022 22:05

spongbob · 22/04/2022 19:30

This is exactly why I was disappointed when I was told my pregnancy was with a boy. You're dammed If you're too nice and dammed if your too distant! The DIL/MIL dynamic is a terrifying thought when you only have boys but always wanted a daughter!

I felt this, both as a dil and mother to a son. I think just be open and warm, but gauge they're reaction. If dil isn't suggesting days out/visits in return, back off a bit (same as with a friend). Just be there, but don't impose. It is tricky, though.

But I'm a long way off being a mil! Exactly why I was secretly hoping for another dd

I get this feeling too. I get on well with my mother in law but it is because I respect her as my husbands mum and I have learned to meet her half way on things and also set boundaries when she has crossed the line (just as I do with my own family). I have a son and I make sure that my husband shows him the effort that he puts forward to be a caring son to his own family. For the most part, I leave gift giving for my in laws to my husband and he will sit down with our son and make birthday cards, mothers day and fathers day cards and makes a point to show our son that he calls his family weekly and sends them daily texts messages to check in. The idea is that our children need to know that it is their job to maintain a relationship with us and to not burden their future spouses with this. And I am trying to learn as much as possible as a DIL in terms of respecting my in laws and not disregarding their family/family traditions just because they are different from mine and I hope that if my children marry in the future that I will be able to maintain a separate relationship with my children while also having a loving relationship with their spouses.

LikeABreathRipplingBy · 22/04/2022 22:06

Theses threads are so sad. My own mum is now more of a problem than MIL ever was. She's just getting nastier as she gets older. Too much time on her hands means her behaviour is getting more and more toxic. Already LC/grey rock.

Pyri · 22/04/2022 22:21

The issue with MILs is that they come with a forced level of familiarity that you don’t have with anyone else. It’s a huge level of connection and intimacy without the shared history of a family member or the choice of a friend or partner. So when you irritate one another you can’t really just tell them, instead you seethe and build resentment and that’s when it becomes a problem.

My MIL is perfectly lovely but something massively changed for me when I had children, all her helpful little hints suddenly became massively patronising and critical and I’d rather bang my head against a brick wall than listening to her signing silly songs i a silly voice to my children. I appreciate this is my issue! But it’s a hugely forced level of intimacy to have someone that you don’t actually know that well so connected : involved with your children

Thepossibility · 22/04/2022 22:30

Rock hard boundaries have resulted in a pleasant relationship. Previously DH was way too compliant to and reliant on them. He couldn't make a single decision without their input. Now boundaries include not telling them all our purchases and how much money we have. Not asking their opinion on our recent house purchase as they ruined the experience for us the first time. Everything is much more on a need to know basis

sjxoxo · 22/04/2022 22:44

Agree with pp that the issue is that there is a forced familiarity and you don’t necessarily have a lot in common- I think there’s a tendency in a family setting to share advice/experience on things which are close to our hearts - kids/family life etc and therefore it’s easily tricky ground between the MIL and DIL. This is exactly my issue- feels to me to be interfering and patronising as a new mum doing it how I would like to, but she’s being a ‘parent’ still at her sons house which feels natural to her.. problem is she’s not my parent, or my sons! Very hard to resolve because she thinks She’s just being mum X

ThackeryBinks · 22/04/2022 23:00

My main boundary is to completely withdraw. I'm too long in the tooth for all her crap. DP has never had a gf up to her standards. My crime was getting support from women's aid regarding my ex. Obviously I should have swept it all under the carpet. I've brought some sort of shame on her, my bad!

Zazdar · 22/04/2022 23:02

None that I can think of.

Mrsmch123 · 22/04/2022 23:09

My mil is very reasonable. She lives in a different country but always asks before booking a trip. With our baby she is very good and will ask if she can do something and not just steam in. To the point were I said if he wants picked up for example than you don't need to ask your allowed to cuddle him. She hands him over as soon as she sees that he wants me.

CrowAndArrow · 22/04/2022 23:27

Gawd, I'm a new MIL and this sort of stuff terrifies me. My DIL is exactly the right person for my son, they are about to have a child - I really don't want to be seen like some of the MIL's on here !

FrancescaContini · 22/04/2022 23:37

Not to give the children a packet of chocolate buttons just before lunch when the were small.

Not to insist on commenting on DD’s appearance/clothes (however favourably) when she didn’t do the same with her grandsons.

Not to blab on about good food/bad food and pass on her disordered eating habits to our DC.

knowinglesseveryday · 22/04/2022 23:43

My mil is ok too. We've never fallen out or had bad feelings. In the early years she was a bit disengaged, but that has had its upsides.

seven201 · 22/04/2022 23:47

I don't know if it's boundaries but I just say no if I don't want to do something. About a year in to dating, she started listing off family birthdays to me, expecting me to write them down so I could be the one to sort family birthday cards as DH is useless at them. I just said "Don't tell me this. I don't even like doing it for my own family!". She means well though. We're not close, and we're very different, but she is a nice woman. If my own mum had been alive when I had dc I'm sure she would have said lots of things that annoyed me too, but she'd have that family history and unconditional love to begin with.

I think MIL would like us to visit more, and thinking about it she used to hint a lot about it, but has stopped. I think she's probably just got used to me/me and DH as a couple and parents, and it's not necessarily all boundaries. I think it's just a mutual respect thing and adapting to how different people live differently, and responding to that. Not all MILs are bad, they're just not used to how things work for the new little family and have to navigate that. Some do a great job, and I guess others try to bulldoze on, and that rarely works.

EL8888 · 23/04/2022 01:28

@Mamabananananana it’s part of the reason l divorced him! It was too much

Aquamarine1029 · 23/04/2022 01:32

After my husband and I caught my MIL in our bedroom rifling through my drawers, my boundaries were pretty much "stay the fuck out of my house."