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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

calling mother's boyfriend boyfriend - Dad

29 replies

DuvetHugger · 22/04/2022 12:37

AIBU to assume that if a (just turned) 2 year old is calling her mother's boyfriend of a year, daddy - then she is being told to - "this is daddy".

Father is in her life. She calls him daddy also, all aunties and uncles are called by their name.

Show photo of mother's boyfriend and she says "daddy". Mother denying thats what she calls him.

OP posts:
JoeGattoNo · 22/04/2022 12:38

I wouldn't necessarily think so. For a 2 year old- mummy lives with daddy.

elenacampana · 22/04/2022 12:39

Not necessarily no.

Sirzy · 22/04/2022 12:40

I wouldn’t necessarily think so. At two they are still learning these things and putting Mummy and Daddh together is pretty standard.

emmathedilemma · 22/04/2022 12:44

I'm guessing you're possibly the father?
I agree with the PP, at that age mummy and daddy live together and that's very much what "social norms" in books, TV etc are very much geared to, even though it is the 21st century! What does she call her father?

MargaretThursday · 22/04/2022 12:47

Not necessarily instigated by mum.

I nannied a little boy. He called me by my name when inside his house, but "mums" when out. This lasted from about age15 -20 months. It was like he saw it as a job description and when we were out he wanted to make sure people knew we were together.
I never encouraged it at all, nor did his mum (she was "mama" to him so different)

I also remember my oldest girl aged about 2yo having an argument with an older friend in the car
Older friend: My mummy's driving.
DD: My-mummy
Older Friend: "No it's MY mummy driving.
DD: Yes, my-mummy driving

This continued for some time until we (laughing) tried to explain to dd that the lady driving the car was not, as she thought, called "my-mummy". She called her "my-mummy" for weeks!

Original poster
DuvetHugger · 22/04/2022 12:49

I am the Father's mum. He is obviously upset by it. They get on well but the Mother is very controlling and doesn't get along very well with me.

Father is called Daddy. I haven't brought it up with her. I have no intention of being on the end of another of her bollockings!

OP posts:
Original poster
DuvetHugger · 22/04/2022 12:50

Nor has it got anything to do with me really. It is up to him to deal with things

OP posts:
CavernousScream · 22/04/2022 12:51

No wonder she doesn’t like you if you’re always making nasty assumptions about her and her two year old.

RonObvious · 22/04/2022 12:57

One of my kids went through a stage of calling every male "daddy". Which was awkward at times. The other one went through a stage of calling my husband by his first name, so didn't call anyone daddy! So, she isn't necessarily being told to do it.

Original poster
DuvetHugger · 22/04/2022 13:01

@CavernousScream No, she doesn't like me because I helped my Son fight for access to his child.

They had a one night stand, she fell pregnant and didnt tell him until the baby was 2 weeks old.

She has made him jump through hoops to see her. He suffered terribly with his mental health due to her not letting him see her. It eventually went to Court.

My Son is very reasonable. for instance it was his christmas with her this year, but he allowed her to have her and he just popped round in the morning.

He knows the best place for his daughter is with her Mother.

She has been very difficult throughout the whole thing, which is what makes me think she is doing this to cause arguments.

OP posts:
Totheweekend · 22/04/2022 13:07

Op I’m a step mum and my DSD tried for years (when she was little) on and off to call me mum. So it may well be your grandchild trying to rationalise their world. I can imagine it’s painful for dad though.
It was easy for me to check that my DSD understood as I could simply say ‘you do know I’m not your real mummy - she carried you in her tummy’ as an age appropriate way of ensuring there was no confusion. I’ve no idea how you’d explain that for a dad!!

YouHaveYourFathersBreasts · 22/04/2022 13:09

You’re being unreasonable. Think about all the story books we read our children when they’re little for example, that feature mums and dads- mummies and daddies live together.

it’s unfair to assume that the little girls mother is responsible for this or even that it’s that big a deal. It doesn’t have to be.

PeterpiperpickedapeckofpickledPEPPAS · 22/04/2022 13:09

My 2 year old thought all adult women are mummies and all adult men are daddies. Now he’s at least worked out that you need a kid with you to be called a mummy or a daddy. We get lots of awkward looks in the park.

SemperIdem · 22/04/2022 13:13

I wouldn’t say she’s necessarily actively telling her 2 year old to call her partner daddy. What I would say is that neither of them are gently correcting her. So it’s more likely to be passive encouragement.

YellowPlant · 22/04/2022 13:22

My Son is very reasonable. for instance it was his christmas with her this year, but he allowed her to have her and he just popped round in the morning.

He knows the best place for his daughter is with her Mother.

This could also be seen as disinterest. It could be seen that the father of the child didn’t want her for his contact time.

AHungryCaterpillar · 22/04/2022 13:28

Not necessarily but I do think she should be correcting the child

Thesearmsofmine · 22/04/2022 13:34

No I wouldn’t leap to that conclusion. I have been called mama by small children I looked after. Why are you showing this young child photos of her mothers partner in the first place ? I think that hurtful as it is in a young childs mind this man is a father figure in her life and I wouldn’t make a big deal about it.

10HailMarys · 22/04/2022 13:34

It's certainly very possible that she's instigating it, but it's also quite common for toddlers to describe all grown-ups as 'mummies and daddies' so there could be an element of that too. DP and I don't have kids but when my nephew was two or three he was adamant that I was 'a mummy' rather than just 'a lady' and DP was 'a daddy' rather than just 'a man'. He also refused to believe that I was DB's sister because he didn't accept that adults could be siblings, so toddlers have some super weird ideas about that stuff sometimes.

It's also possible that, because she's only two and her mum's boyfriend is there a lot, she just calls him daddy because her understanding of 'daddy' is a man who is around her a lot and helps to care for her.

So I don't think it would be possible to prove that it was all down to her mum, really. I can see why it's upsetting for your son, of course - I think most dads would be upset by it, really. But if your granddaughter knows him as her daddy and she's still only two, I don't think it will weaken her bond with him in any way.

UpYourBumHun · 22/04/2022 13:42

She should be correcting her and so should her boyfriend , he is not her father & her father deserves that title as he is involved .It doesn’t devalue the BF , it just sets out who is who , there’s nothing wrong with that

Onlyforcake · 22/04/2022 13:50

Is it though? The boyfriend could be parenting this child on an everyday basis so he could be filling that role in her life. Yes that might suit the mother but focus on the child. Embrace the daddy, say yes Daddy name, and your son is then daddy when up you talk about him. The child will then start to frame in her own mind that there is a distinction, which apparently your son wants.

you've got to remember, if someone eho is only the boyfriend to you doesn't mean that they are somehow not a very important person to your grandchild.

Minniem2020 · 22/04/2022 13:53

Not necessarily. My 4 year old calls all women mam and all men dad. Including random strangers in the street which is a bit embarrassing.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 22/04/2022 13:55

Our next door neighbour's daughter used to call my dh dad at that age. It particularly annoyed the next door neighbour as she called him by his first name Grin

Dutch1e · 22/04/2022 13:59

Both my kids went through a phase of calling every man Dad and every woman Mum.

If you want a bunch of Mumsnetters to side with you against this 'controlling' woman you're barking.

SVRT19674 · 22/04/2022 15:03

My daughter called big dogs "dogs" and small dogs "cats", it is just them putting some semblance of order in their lives.

pinkunicorns54 · 22/04/2022 21:19

My not quite yet 2 yr old - calls everyone daddy, including me (mummy) 🤣

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